s/o finding a half sibling placed in adoption

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here is a website with some ideas.
https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/search/records/

I think it's great you are doing this and I hope you find your sibling!

I disagree. OP has no right to butt into someone else's life to satisfy her morbid curiosity. Leave it be. If your mother had wanted to pursue this then she would have done so. Again, do not interfere in their life!

Wanting to know your own sibling is not “morbid curiosity”. It is a normal human emotion. Family is family. A sibling relationship is one more the most important relationships someone can have. My sister and I were separated for 45 years, but she is now one of the 5 closest relationships I have in my life. Nothing about that is “morbid”. It is fundamental. It is primal. Family bonds being ripped apart by adoption is a very new phenomenon in human history. Our current adoption industry based on profits, coercion, secrecy, and the complete erasure of a child’s original identity is less than 100 years old. It is NOT normal. And it is not “morbid” for people to feel a keen need to find their lost family members. As keen as if they had been stolen, which in many families they were.

Funny, I grew up with my sister. She was and is horrible to me. Zero interest in seeing her.

Many birthparents place their kids voluntarily. It is their choice. You are not getting that. Family is more than just blood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, putting your info on Ancestry is fine but understand there could be some collateral damage from that fact. My dad, who is into genealogy, convinced me to do Ancestry. I had no problem with that. Then a couple of years later, I had a weird match. Well...turns out my mother gave a baby up for adoption in the late 60s, before she met my father. My mother and father both knew this and were never going to tell me (an only child) until things showed up on Ancestry. (And yes, I guess they didn't think their plan through.)

I am in contact with my half-sister, who knew she was adopted and is a lovely person. My parents no longer speak of her or of what happened (swept back under the rug). But it all really threw me for a loop and it's taken a couple of years of therapy to work through the aftermath. Logically I can understand why they kept it from me, but emotionally it's been really hard. My trust and my relationship with them is not the same as before. I wonder what else they are not telling me. I get angry that, even if they waited to tell me when I was an adult, I could've known my sister for 20 years by now rather than 2. And finally I'm pissed that they dropped a bomb on me then left me to deal with it alone.

I just wanted to share my experience as an innocent party who was affected by all of this. I guess I could have not done the DNA but I had no reason to believe it would blow things up.

You need better therapy, and quickly. Out of all the people that were affected by that situation, you were the least harmed. The absolute least. The 1960s was a different time- abortion was illegal in many states, and Catholic Charities had a good business going convincing young teen moms that they were sluts, they didn’t deserve their children, they should hand them over to better parents (particularly ones who could pay), and they should pretend it never happened. The trauma your mother likely experienced is beyond anything you could ever understand. Could you imagine being forced to hand over your own flesh and blood and being told to pretend it never happened? Your parents likely did the best they could with the shame and trauma they felt. Get your head out of your ass and learn to appreciate what you have before it’s too late.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, putting your info on Ancestry is fine but understand there could be some collateral damage from that fact. My dad, who is into genealogy, convinced me to do Ancestry. I had no problem with that. Then a couple of years later, I had a weird match. Well...turns out my mother gave a baby up for adoption in the late 60s, before she met my father. My mother and father both knew this and were never going to tell me (an only child) until things showed up on Ancestry. (And yes, I guess they didn't think their plan through.)

I am in contact with my half-sister, who knew she was adopted and is a lovely person. My parents no longer speak of her or of what happened (swept back under the rug). But it all really threw me for a loop and it's taken a couple of years of therapy to work through the aftermath. Logically I can understand why they kept it from me, but emotionally it's been really hard. My trust and my relationship with them is not the same as before. I wonder what else they are not telling me. I get angry that, even if they waited to tell me when I was an adult, I could've known my sister for 20 years by now rather than 2. And finally I'm pissed that they dropped a bomb on me then left me to deal with it alone.

I just wanted to share my experience as an innocent party who was affected by all of this. I guess I could have not done the DNA but I had no reason to believe it would blow things up.

You need better therapy, and quickly. Out of all the people that were affected by that situation, you were the least harmed. The absolute least. The 1960s was a different time- abortion was illegal in many states, and Catholic Charities had a good business going convincing young teen moms that they were sluts, they didn’t deserve their children, they should hand them over to better parents (particularly ones who could pay), and they should pretend it never happened. The trauma your mother likely experienced is beyond anything you could ever understand. Could you imagine being forced to hand over your own flesh and blood and being told to pretend it never happened? Your parents likely did the best they could with the shame and trauma they felt. Get your head out of your ass and learn to appreciate what you have before it’s too late.

PP- I was too harsh- I see you replied upthread. I’m glad you are bouncing back from the shock and have some empathy for what your mom went through. Seeing her lost child could break her if she realizes what she was forced to miss out on - I really wouldn’t push her or judge her for not wanting to stir the pot this late in her life.

[Anonymous]

Are you unhappy? Unfulfilled? I really don’t get the draw to want to have relationship with every person you are related to. It’s ok to not know a half sibling, or care.

Focus on your own family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Are you unhappy? Unfulfilled? I really don’t get the draw to want to have relationship with every person you are related to. It’s ok to not know a half sibling, or care.

Focus on your own family.

I think most people think a sibling is family. Again, louder for those in the back- a SIBLING. As in- "another child your parent (s) had." Sibling. 50% of your DNA or 25% if it is a half sibling.

Not a second cousin once removed or some aunt from the "old country." A sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The person in question does not have to be on Ancestry or 23. After taking the test, connect yourself to anyone you match with, 3rd cousin, etc., that and you don't recognize, then work from there using census records, address books, FB, family trees that have been posted, etc. She is there, you just have to research.

This doesn't make sense to me. Yes, OP will find all sorts of cousins and can trace backward to find their ancestors in common. But they can't use those cousins to find an untested adoptee.

You are right, it doesn’t make sense. That works for helping adoptees find their families. It wouldn’t help a person looking for an adoptee unless that person tested.

OP, the fact that your father encouraged you to do ancestry makes me think he wanted you to find your half-sibling.

And like everyone else says, test with Ancestry. It’s the most popular. We have been both ends of this surprise. My grandfather was adopted and I found his siblings who had no idea he existed. Later, I found a half-sibling of my mom’s that she didn’t not know existed. I think it’s totally natural to get curious. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The person in question does not have to be on Ancestry or 23. After taking the test, connect yourself to anyone you match with, 3rd cousin, etc., that and you don't recognize, then work from there using census records, address books, FB, family trees that have been posted, etc. She is there, you just have to research.

This doesn't make sense to me. Yes, OP will find all sorts of cousins and can trace backward to find their ancestors in common. But they can't use those cousins to find an untested adoptee.

You are right, it doesn’t make sense. That works for helping adoptees find their families. It wouldn’t help a person looking for an adoptee unless that person tested.

OP, the fact that your father encouraged you to do ancestry makes me think he wanted you to find your half-sibling.

And like everyone else says, test with Ancestry. It’s the most popular. We have been both ends of this surprise. My grandfather was adopted and I found his siblings who had no idea he existed. Later, I found a half-sibling of my mom’s that she didn’t not know existed. I think it’s totally natural to get curious. Good luck!

Again, you are wrong- a person does not
need to have been tested to be located. This is probably due to the fact that you aren't trained in genealogical research.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you unhappy? Unfulfilled? I really don’t get the draw to want to have relationship with every person you are related to. It’s ok to not know a half sibling, or care.

Focus on your own family.

I think most people think a sibling is family. Again, louder for those in the back- a SIBLING. As in- "another child your parent (s) had." Sibling. 50% of your DNA or 25% if it is a half sibling.

Not a second cousin once removed or some aunt from the "old country." A sibling.

Exactly. A sibling. And as a person write above, blood isn’t everything, but it’s something. I have a brother that I don’t much get along with, but now that I have met my new sister through DNA, it’s a whole new meaningful branch of the family. I have a niece and a nephew. My son has cousins. My niece looks JUST like my mom. Uncannily, like she skipped a generation. All of my guest cousins on my mom’s side that we are close to have embraced her, too. Having her family at our family events and in our circle has been really meaningful to all of us.

It’s not just about the birth mother. All of these kingship connections matter. Or *can* matter, depending on the person. They matter to me enormously, and I’m really glad my sister feels the same.

BTW, I had lunch today with my sister’s adoptive mom. She has a photo of my son on her fridge. Her son has also found his genetic sister and considers her family, too…like of like an in-law relationship. So I as her daughter’s sister and her son’s other sister are all now extended family. It’s lovely how she has embraced her family growing this way, and she’s so happy for her daughter. She’s very sad that she never met my mom. She told me she prayed for her and sent her love every night. That would have meant so much to my mom.

OP, yes, there are risks. But I wish you and your sibling a reward as rich as the one I’ve been lucky to have!

[Anonymous]

I found a full sibling several years ago after being told there was a sibling as an adult. I agree with the PPs who have said put your information out there so your sibling can look for YOU - I wasn't initially sure if I thought my sibling would want to hear from me as the other child in our family and I don't know that it would have felt right for me to force the discovery on them had they not known.

In our case, we both put our information into an adoption search website (literally called adoptionsearch.com) - they had put their information online after the sibling they were raised with was found by their birth family. My sibling and I have a great relationship and I am so glad to know them. My father never had any interest in hearing anything about them or meeting, and while my mother was initially happy and did meet them, there was a falling out and they are no longer in touch. Neither is thrilled I maintain a relationship with sibling and their family but...sibling is honestly one of my very favorite family members and I'm making my own choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you unhappy? Unfulfilled? I really don’t get the draw to want to have relationship with every person you are related to. It’s ok to not know a half sibling, or care.

Focus on your own family.

I think most people think a sibling is family. Again, louder for those in the back- a SIBLING. As in- "another child your parent (s) had." Sibling. 50% of your DNA or 25% if it is a half sibling.

Not a second cousin once removed or some aunt from the "old country." A sibling.

A sibling is a sibling because you were raised together by the same parents. A “sibling” that shares 25% DNA that was raised by different people in a different location all their life if no more family to you than a random stranger

[Anonymous]

We were not looking for anyone but an adopted relative found us via dna. She is very close to the family. It was almost instantly close and the relationships have been pleasant for years. She got a sense of relief that is palpable to everyone and we are happy for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you unhappy? Unfulfilled? I really don’t get the draw to want to have relationship with every person you are related to. It’s ok to not know a half sibling, or care.

Focus on your own family.

I think most people think a sibling is family. Again, louder for those in the back- a SIBLING. As in- "another child your parent (s) had." Sibling. 50% of your DNA or 25% if it is a half sibling.

Not a second cousin once removed or some aunt from the "old country." A sibling.

A sibling is a sibling because you were raised together by the same parents. A “sibling” that shares 25% DNA that was raised by different people in a different location all their life if no more family to you than a random stranger

You feel very strongly about this. Was there a situation in your own life that has led you to feel this way?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you unhappy? Unfulfilled? I really don’t get the draw to want to have relationship with every person you are related to. It’s ok to not know a half sibling, or care.

Focus on your own family.

I think most people think a sibling is family. Again, louder for those in the back- a SIBLING. As in- "another child your parent (s) had." Sibling. 50% of your DNA or 25% if it is a half sibling.

Not a second cousin once removed or some aunt from the "old country." A sibling.

A sibling is a sibling because you were raised together by the same parents. A “sibling” that shares 25% DNA that was raised by different people in a different location all their life if no more family to you than a random stranger

You feel very strongly about this. Was there a situation in your own life that has led you to feel this way?

No, I am content with my life and the people in it. I just don’t get the obsessive nature of people seeking out those they share DNA with. We are all related somewhere down the line. If I found out my dad had another kid at some point, and they lived in Jersey, I would just file it under interesting things and move on. I wouldn’t make it some mission to seek this person out and start up a relationship. Blood relation shouldn’t make a big difference. As evidence by the family forum here, plenty of people don’t like those related to them and chose not to keep up a relationship (or would like not to). Plenty of people have friends that are closer to them than some of their blood relatives. Sharing DNA has little to do with personal compatibility with a person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you unhappy? Unfulfilled? I really don’t get the draw to want to have relationship with every person you are related to. It’s ok to not know a half sibling, or care.

Focus on your own family.

I think most people think a sibling is family. Again, louder for those in the back- a SIBLING. As in- "another child your parent (s) had." Sibling. 50% of your DNA or 25% if it is a half sibling.

Not a second cousin once removed or some aunt from the "old country." A sibling.

A sibling is a sibling because you were raised together by the same parents. A “sibling” that shares 25% DNA that was raised by different people in a different location all their life if no more family to you than a random stranger

You feel very strongly about this. Was there a situation in your own life that has led you to feel this way?

No, I am content with my life and the people in it. I just don’t get the obsessive nature of people seeking out those they share DNA with. We are all related somewhere down the line. If I found out my dad had another kid at some point, and they lived in Jersey, I would just file it under interesting things and move on. I wouldn’t make it some mission to seek this person out and start up a relationship. Blood relation shouldn’t make a big difference. As evidence by the family forum here, plenty of people don’t like those related to them and chose not to keep up a relationship (or would like not to). Plenty of people have friends that are closer to them than some of their blood relatives. Sharing DNA has little to do with personal compatibility with a person.

It doesn't have to be about relationships at all. However, the record needs to be set straight. People need to understand their origin story- including the children who were kept by a birthparent because they need to know who their siblings are,who their family tree is. This goes far beyond people in question..it affects all generations going forward. It also affects the original nuclear family- they need to know who their parents really were and what they were responsible for. But, no one needs to be close or even have a relationship. It's just about truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you unhappy? Unfulfilled? I really don’t get the draw to want to have relationship with every person you are related to. It’s ok to not know a half sibling, or care.

Focus on your own family.

I think most people think a sibling is family. Again, louder for those in the back- a SIBLING. As in- "another child your parent (s) had." Sibling. 50% of your DNA or 25% if it is a half sibling.

Not a second cousin once removed or some aunt from the "old country." A sibling.

A sibling is a sibling because you were raised together by the same parents. A “sibling” that shares 25% DNA that was raised by different people in a different location all their life if no more family to you than a random stranger

Until you end up dating them because you don't know they are your sibling. Sorry- who one is related to matters.