s/o finding a half sibling placed in adoption

[Anonymous]

The other thread of someone seeking out their twin cousins that were put up for adoption got me thinking ... this might be a platform for some helpful tips!

I found out a long while ago, that my mother had a baby as a teen that she was force to put up for adoption. I would love to find this person but I am at a bit of a loss of how to start. I know some basic information, their first name (at birth), DOB, and city of birth ... but as it was a closed adoption (1968) I am a little lost on how to start the process. My mother wrote to the agency in the 90s to have her information on file if the child was looking to connect ... but I am not sure the agency even still exists.

I have completed 23andMe, and uploaded my DNA to GEDMatch as well. I will respect their privacy if they don't want a connection with their half siblings, but my sister and I would love to meet them, and if we have children have them meet, etc. My best friend is also adopted, and we have talked about this at length (and she crowd sourced opinions at her adoption support group) that while some adoptees are ambivalent or against meeting birth parents ... the idea of a sibling tracking them down was strongly encouraged!

I am just at a loss at next steps ... thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Here is a website with some ideas.
https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/search/records/

I think it's great you are doing this and I hope you find your sibling!

[Anonymous]

OP, one thing that came up repeatedly in that other thread is that if someone is interested, they'll do a 23 and Me or whatever and get on those sites that turn up matches. If they are not on any such sites, well, they very likely do not want to be found -- if they even know they're adopted. Please be patient and see if a match turns up anywhere first on the databases to which you uploaded your genetic information.

Also, I'm sorry if I didn't catch it, but is your mother still alive?

And noting that if it was a closed adoption, isn't it possible this person has no idea he or she is adopted at all? Back in 1968 it wasn't as common to tell a child he or she was adopted as it is now.

[Anonymous]

Are you able to apply for the original birth certificate?

[Anonymous]

I think putting your DNA out there is enough at this point.

[Anonymous]

If your mother is alive you need to let this be her decision or the decision of the person placed for adoption. You can NOT drive this - that's inappropriate.

[Anonymous]

I never knew of anyone who used 23andme. I think ancestry is more popular. Try that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never knew of anyone who used 23andme. I think ancestry is more popular. Try that.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP my DH was adopted at birth.His mother went on to have more children but died young, when he would have been around 10. I traced two younger half sisters and emailed with one for a while. They are literally on the other side of the world so that was our only option. The other sister wasn't interested at all. In the end the emails just stopped dead. There was no misunderstanding or anything, I believe the disinterested sister pursuaded her sibling to drop it.

Net effect - a slight sense of double rejection.

This was 10 years ago now and my DH and I literally never speak of them.

[Anonymous]

OP, hello! I am delighted to type this tonight as I’m driving 5 hours tomorrow to spend the weekend with my sister, who my mom was forced to give up for adoption in 1965. (It’s actually even worse than that, as the nuns had told my mom she was a he and that he likely wouldn’t survive.) I spent many years chasing possible leads…Catholic Charities, death certificates, voter registration databases. It was complicated by the fact that my mother still was SO torturously guilty about the birth defects she was told he had , that she was ambivalent about me searching. Sadly, she died soon before we finally made the connection via Ancestry DNA.

My (half) sister did not join Ancestry with the determined purpose of finding my mom. She was curious to know what her genetic background was (Irish or Italian or what) and knew that it was a possibility she would find genetic relatives. It was amazing to log on one day and see “close relative” listed, and through her birthdate know it was the child my mom never even got to hold.

Since then, it has been such a joy. We have visited each other often. We vacationed together the summer before COVID. Her children are grown and enjoy having new cousins. She and her husband are wonderful aunt and uncle to my young son…his favorites now. Her daughter looks so much like my mom. And sometimes we just look at each other, marveling. There are no Hugh expectations. We don’t talk every day. We text every week or so. It’s just a joyful addition to our lives. I love her.

I definitely recommend Ancestry. Someone die-hard looking will obviously be on GEdMatch. But someone like my sister, who was open to connecting but not really looking, would be more likely to be found on Ancestry.

I wish you luck! And I wish you the joy and fulfillment that finding my sister has brought to our families.

[Anonymous]

OP, putting your info on Ancestry is fine but understand there could be some collateral damage from that fact. My dad, who is into genealogy, convinced me to do Ancestry. I had no problem with that. Then a couple of years later, I had a weird match. Well...turns out my mother gave a baby up for adoption in the late 60s, before she met my father. My mother and father both knew this and were never going to tell me (an only child) until things showed up on Ancestry. (And yes, I guess they didn't think their plan through.)

I am in contact with my half-sister, who knew she was adopted and is a lovely person. My parents no longer speak of her or of what happened (swept back under the rug). But it all really threw me for a loop and it's taken a couple of years of therapy to work through the aftermath. Logically I can understand why they kept it from me, but emotionally it's been really hard. My trust and my relationship with them is not the same as before. I wonder what else they are not telling me. I get angry that, even if they waited to tell me when I was an adult, I could've known my sister for 20 years by now rather than 2. And finally I'm pissed that they dropped a bomb on me then left me to deal with it alone.

I just wanted to share my experience as an innocent party who was affected by all of this. I guess I could have not done the DNA but I had no reason to believe it would blow things up.

[Anonymous]

Test with Ancestry. It doesn't allow uploads from any other company.

Upload your 23andme results --or Ancestry results, but since you already have 23 it makes sense to use 23-- to My Heritage, Family Tree DNA and, if your background is British Isles, to MyLivingDNA. There is often a fee involved, but it's less than full testing.

If your sister is willing to test, have her test with Ancestry and 23 and me and upload to the others plus GedMatch. Remember, as a half-sister, the person you are trying to reach will share ABOUT 25% of your DNA and your sister but the 25% will not be exactly the same and your half-sister may share more DNA with one of you. (First cousins are also about 25% but the amount of DNA I share with first cousins varies a LOT.)

On 23andme, check your "Family Tree" periodically. Unlike Ancestry, 23andme makes a family tree for you based ONLY on DNA. Not all of your DNA relatives will be included, but some will. If your half-sister has children or grandchildren who test with 23andme, they may show up in your family tree or in your sister's.

It sounds like your mom would like to find her bio daughter. If so, have her check the laws of the state where the child was adopted. Some states have registries. If both parent and child register saying they would welcome contact, the state will let them both know. That's how a friend of mine found her birth daughter. As soon as her daughter turned 18, my friend sent her own info to the registry. Nothing happened for a year. Then, through a fluke, her birth daughter found out that the state had a registry and registered. It was a great way to make contact because they both knew the other wanted contact before initiating it.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If your mother is alive you need to let this be her decision or the decision of the person placed for adoption. You can NOT drive this - that's inappropriate.

Sorry. But it is appropriate, as the birtgh mother actually isn't entitled to privacy of who is related to whom. The adult child is allowed privacy once he or she indicates they aren't interested, but, keep in mind this relationship affects absolutely everyone...the children and grandchildren of these people, the father that no one mentions, and his family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, putting your info on Ancestry is fine but understand there could be some collateral damage from that fact. My dad, who is into genealogy, convinced me to do Ancestry. I had no problem with that. Then a couple of years later, I had a weird match. Well...turns out my mother gave a baby up for adoption in the late 60s, before she met my father. My mother and father both knew this and were never going to tell me (an only child) until things showed up on Ancestry. (And yes, I guess they didn't think their plan through.)

I am in contact with my half-sister, who knew she was adopted and is a lovely person. My parents no longer speak of her or of what happened (swept back under the rug). But it all really threw me for a loop and it's taken a couple of years of therapy to work through the aftermath. Logically I can understand why they kept it from me, but emotionally it's been really hard. My trust and my relationship with them is not the same as before. I wonder what else they are not telling me. I get angry that, even if they waited to tell me when I was an adult, I could've known my sister for 20 years by now rather than 2. And finally I'm pissed that they dropped a bomb on me then left me to deal with it alone.

I just wanted to share my experience as an innocent party who was affected by all of this. I guess I could have not done the DNA but I had no reason to believe it would blow things up.

Your issue is with the secret keeping, the people keeping the secret, not the secret itself. The days of secrets are over.

[Anonymous]

The person in question does not have to be on Ancestry or 23. After taking the test, connect yourself to anyone you match with, 3rd cousin, etc., that and you don't recognize, then work from there using census records, address books, FB, family trees that have been posted, etc. She is there, you just have to research.