At what age will your spouse let you retire?

[Anonymous]

"LET you retire'...wtf?!?!! I'm a woman that has worked my entire life. I am close to 30 years with the Feds and 52. I have over $1.8 million in my 401k/TSP and we have lots of investments. Kids are in high school.

My husband also works and has his own retirement too.

We both are WAH since the pandemic. A dynamic where someone NEVER had employment/paycheck and is going to dictate when the one earning the dough can retire sounds like an abusive relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a SAHM. DH calculated how much we have to save to retire when he wants (right now the goal is 48), and that’s what we are working toward. Right now that calculation doesn’t include me going back to work. If he wanted me to work so he could retire earlier, I’d try to make that work but it would require a lot of adjustments to a lot of things and I don’t think either of us wants that.

Retire at 48?

DP. It's the FIRE mindset of a lot of people. Financial Independence, Retire Early

Hopefully they have a lot of money, like several million. I subscribe to the idea of living below your means and saving as much as possible but there are fire people who will retire in their 40s on $600K.

[Anonymous]

I am 60 and feel like this is such a throwback premise. I can't believe there are people in 2022 who actually think like this.

We have been saving for retirement for years. We have $10m now and yes, either or both of us could retire at any time. But we will both keep working for another 4-5 years because we enjoy it. We really haven't talked about the specific timing, and my decision doesn't hinge on his or vice versa. I am guessing he will retire earlier than me, in part because I am more driven and earn most of the money. But it is my decision to make, no one will tell me what I am allowed to do.

[Anonymous]

I know a SAHM like your wife.(SAHM seems like a misnomer though, given that her kids are pretty much grown at this point.) She keeps trying to delay her husband's retirement, because she does not want him around.

It honestly disgusts me to hear her talk. It is SO clear that she sees him as a meal ticket. I cannot relate to such a relationship, and my heart goes out to men who realize this is all they are to their wives.

Women who miss having the house to yourself: get over it. Your partner has HAD to work for decades so you had a house to hang out in. He paid for the nice furnishings and the groceries you are shopping for. How dare you resent him spending time there like you have for most of your adult life.

Men, if you see this in your future, get out now. Don't be a fool.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a weird premise. "Let you retire?"

If I'm in a relationship that holds a dynamic where someone is bestowing upon me the gift of retiring, then I'm pretty sure I'd want to work forever.

+1 million

Was just about to post the same exact thing. "Let you retire"? WTH?

[Anonymous]

I agree that the pandemic was eye-opening for some. My DH is a SAHD and he started telling people that I am the hardest working person he knows after watching me work from home for a few months. I like what I do--it is stressful and challenging--and I wonder how I will handle retirement. I might take a sabbatical at 60 to see what I think if my schedule allows. Is it possible for you to take a 3 month sabbatical as a trial run, of course with a plan to teach/learn a skill or hobby/travel, etc, but also mimic retirement in someway?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"LET you retire'...wtf?!?!! I'm a woman that has worked my entire life. I am close to 30 years with the Feds and 52. I have over $1.8 million in my 401k/TSP and we have lots of investments. Kids are in high school.

My husband also works and has his own retirement too.

We both are WAH since the pandemic. A dynamic where someone NEVER had employment/paycheck and is going to dictate when the one earning the dough can retire sounds like an abusive relationship.

FYI, most sahp have had paychecks at one or more points in their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH and I both WFH full time. I dislike being home together all the time because it's SO MUCH TIME TOGETHER. He drives me nuts, though I love him. He asks me what I'm eating, asks me for updates on snacks, whistles non-stop, wants to tell me about boring work calls. I miss being home ALONE. I used to have one WFH day a week that I loved because I was home ALONE all day. That never happens now. I am adjusting, but I still miss the alone time.

Now, there are certainly perks too, especially when it comes to child care because we have young kids.

If I were you, I'd work on giving her space as much as possible when you are WFH. Obviously, it's your house too. But ask her what ways you could back off a bit so she isn't so irritated by your presence. Do you request lunch? Do you come into the kitchen at 10am right when she's done cleaning up and leave crumbs on the counter? Do you try to talk to her for 90 seconds every 8 minutes?

This is pretty much me, except our kids are older, so the perks aren't there.

My spouse does not have friends of his own, and the prospect of being his only social contact/source for entertainment makes me cringe. I want time to myself. I want to announce that I'm taking off for a day or a week and not have it turn into some sort of negotiation, because it would be fine with me if he wanted to do the same, but he doesn't.

He also only does chores as assigned -- I keep track of maintenance, know what needs to be fixed/replaced and how to do that, etc. I like hanging around with the guy, but I would much rather have my own place, and our respective retirements will be the opposite of that.

[Anonymous]

I work out of the house and my spouse now WFH because of the pandemic and I also NEVER have the house to myself. It has made me hate him.

[Anonymous]

I love having my DH WFH. I don't want him to go for in-person ever again, but it seems that he will have to go in a couple of months. I am so sad. I love having him at home. Same for the kids. Love having them at home. Wasn't that the only good part of the pandemic? Sleeping in late, no commuting, comfortable clothes and three hot meals a day?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love having my DH WFH. I don't want him to go for in-person ever again, but it seems that he will have to go in a couple of months. I am so sad. I love having him at home. Same for the kids. Love having them at home. Wasn't that the only good part of the pandemic? Sleeping in late, no commuting, comfortable clothes and three hot meals a day?

You sound like you have a healthy marriage. Your children are quite lucky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a SAHM like your wife.(SAHM seems like a misnomer though, given that her kids are pretty much grown at this point.) She keeps trying to delay her husband's retirement, because she does not want him around.

It honestly disgusts me to hear her talk. It is SO clear that she sees him as a meal ticket. I cannot relate to such a relationship, and my heart goes out to men who realize this is all they are to their wives.

Women who miss having the house to yourself: get over it. Your partner has HAD to work for decades so you had a house to hang out in. He paid for the nice furnishings and the groceries you are shopping for. How dare you resent him spending time there like you have for most of your adult life.

Men, if you see this in your future, get out now. Don't be a fool.

Most SAHMs aren’t hanging out at home all day. They have activities, volunteer work, relationships with friends and adult children, etc.

The answer isn’t to “get out now,” but to have other things in your life besides work. That way, when you retire, you have something meaningful to do besides hang out at home and annoy your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know a SAHM like your wife.(SAHM seems like a misnomer though, given that her kids are pretty much grown at this point.) She keeps trying to delay her husband's retirement, because she does not want him around.

It honestly disgusts me to hear her talk. It is SO clear that she sees him as a meal ticket. I cannot relate to such a relationship, and my heart goes out to men who realize this is all they are to their wives.

Women who miss having the house to yourself: get over it. Your partner has HAD to work for decades so you had a house to hang out in. He paid for the nice furnishings and the groceries you are shopping for. How dare you resent him spending time there like you have for most of your adult life.

Men, if you see this in your future, get out now. Don't be a fool.

I hear you and agree 100% (and I'm a woman). I can imagine the outrage if the gender roles were reversed and it was a fifty or sixty something SAHF with young adult kids complaining about his wife retiring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know a SAHM like your wife.(SAHM seems like a misnomer though, given that her kids are pretty much grown at this point.) She keeps trying to delay her husband's retirement, because she does not want him around.

It honestly disgusts me to hear her talk. It is SO clear that she sees him as a meal ticket. I cannot relate to such a relationship, and my heart goes out to men who realize this is all they are to their wives.

Women who miss having the house to yourself: get over it. Your partner has HAD to work for decades so you had a house to hang out in. He paid for the nice furnishings and the groceries you are shopping for. How dare you resent him spending time there like you have for most of your adult life.

Men, if you see this in your future, get out now. Don't be a fool.

I hear you and agree 100% (and I'm a woman). I can imagine the outrage if the gender roles were reversed and it was a fifty or sixty something SAHF with young adult kids complaining about his wife retiring.

The gender roles are usually reversed. Women complain that their husbands don’t want to spend time with them all of the time.

Look, the OP was perfectly fine not to spend time with his wife during the day for 25 years. He didn’t call her, invite her out to lunch when he had an hour break, come home early to spend time with her, etc. She might have wanted those things early in the marriage, but she didn’t get them. (She got used to not hearing from him for 12 hours a day.). She probably told herself that it was fine, and she didn’t want those things anyway. Now, after telling herself that lie for a decade or more, it became the truth.

It would take a truly remarkable and understanding person to go on actively wanting to be with someone who more or less ignored them twelve hours a day for twenty-five years.

[Anonymous]

If she would rather be alone than be with you, then you need to up your game, OP.

“A bore is someone who deprives you of solitude without providing you with company.”
~Oscar Wilde