No win with visiting in laws. Who is wrong- who is right?

[Anonymous]

I know you are stressed but if you put too many limits on them, realistically they won’t drive in from out of state, and more of MIL’s care will fall on your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound high strung, judgmental and unappreciative. How often do they actually come to visit? They sound like lovely people and your kids love them. You should be happy that they help out with your MIL by visiting her -- that lessens the burden on you.

Lol. That you in-laws?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They used to stay with us and I had to be the one to say that doesn’t work can we use MIL money to pay for the hotel. They understood snd are fine with that. I also stated very hard on eeekday visits/ can you come do we all can enjoy spending time with you on weekends- falls on deaf ears. Usually seems they are headed to see their adult children for weekend so this is weekday stop on way. But it’s a few days like Sunday through Wednesday.
So now they stay at hotel but still want to come and hang at our house like we are all retired .
And no, we are not. We both have demanding jobs.

Unless MIL thinks that is a good idea, you have no right to use her money to pay for their choices

My parents moved into a CCRC and always wanted to pay for our hotel. Neither you nor I can speak to what OP's MIL wants, but it seems totally reasonable that she would be happy to spend her money in a way that gets her visitors.

[Anonymous]

IMO, your bigger problem is your family, not the ILs. When they are not around, you need to talk to DH, ask him if he understands the impact of their later night visits on your kids, and what he thinks is a good solution to minimize the disruption. Once you two have sorted it out, talk to the kids.

I would tell your HS son exactly once that he needs to learn to prioritize his life, and decide for himself whether the tradeoff of staying with his aunt and uncle are worth it. Ask him if he wants you to provide an out, so that he can exit gracefully, and then do that. If he decides to stay up with them instead of studying, that's on him.

The younger two need to understand that the rules are the rules, and you are going to accommodate them a little. Say, move the bedtimes by 15 minutes or 30 minutes. Let them know that there is no further grace, and wheedling and arguing with you will have consequences. Follow-through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They used to stay with us and I had to be the one to say that doesn’t work can we use MIL money to pay for the hotel. They understood snd are fine with that. I also stated very hard on eeekday visits/ can you come do we all can enjoy spending time with you on weekends- falls on deaf ears. Usually seems they are headed to see their adult children for weekend so this is weekday stop on way. But it’s a few days like Sunday through Wednesday.
So now they stay at hotel but still want to come and hang at our house like we are all retired .
And no, we are not. We both have demanding jobs.

Unless MIL thinks that is a good idea, you have no right to use her money to pay for their choices

My parents moved into a CCRC and always wanted to pay for our hotel. Neither you nor I can speak to what OP's MIL wants, but it seems totally reasonable that she would be happy to spend her money in a way that gets her visitors.

All depends on how much money there is. If it cuts into her care, then it makes more sense for the sibling to sleep over and save the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -you seem to have too much on your plate without the weekday visits. Either lean in to the chaos that is having three teens in the house, with all the activities that YOU encourage them to do, or figure out what isn't important.

I am tired of the "we're SOOO busy" and can't handle it folks. You chose to do all of this - can't you at least be gracious about it?

And the ILs are older and are building relationships with your children - your kids are going to be leaving and the ILs will get too old to do these visits. Family is important.

Sounds like you don't have to "entertain" them at all. Adding two more portions to the dinner and just keep the guest room for them - a la don't change the sheets if they are going to be the next ones in there.

Ridiculous response

[Anonymous]

My DH would never stand for this. He kicked out his own mother and dad on her 75th birthday (not the night of her celebration, which we had had a few nights earlier) in order that the kids continue with their HW and be able to go to bed at a decent hour. He gave her fair warning that he would be doing so. We had a lovely dinner followed by another candle on a cake, then out the door.

OP, your DH needs to step in here and explain that this arrangement is not working. Perhaps when kids are on school breaks and vacations, you all can accommodate a mid-week late night visit, but not during school year. If you do have them for dinner, then have a hard stop and send them on their way. Think people tend to do better when they know the parameters.

GL!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Family doesn’t need to be hosted. You simply have to learn to be ok with the son and wife hanging out in the den, watching tv and not being attended to. Keep firm to your schedule including the 7 year old’s bedtime.

In a way, this is a benefit to your high schooler. He can learn to set limits now before the distractions of college. In another year of two, he will have to learn to leave his friends and go to the library to study when he has an exam, and it’s really not that different to tell aunt and uncle “hey, I have an AP exam in the morning so I’m heading up to my room now to study. Love you and good night.”

Have you tried giving them tasks? “Hey, I know you are swinging by Tuesday after seeing MIL. Any chance you could take Tommy to soccer while I take Sally to track?” “Can you order in dinner tonight for all of us? I’m too stressed to cook for everyone.” I wonder if they would be less inclined to visit on Tuesdays going forward if they knew you would be pressing them to help out?

The above is so beyond ridiculous and could only be written by a clueless person who has never had overnight company!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Family doesn’t need to be hosted. You simply have to learn to be ok with the son and wife hanging out in the den, watching tv and not being attended to. Keep firm to your schedule including the 7 year old’s bedtime.

In a way, this is a benefit to your high schooler. He can learn to set limits now before the distractions of college. In another year of two, he will have to learn to leave his friends and go to the library to study when he has an exam, and it’s really not that different to tell aunt and uncle “hey, I have an AP exam in the morning so I’m heading up to my room now to study. Love you and good night.”

Have you tried giving them tasks? “Hey, I know you are swinging by Tuesday after seeing MIL. Any chance you could take Tommy to soccer while I take Sally to track?” “Can you order in dinner tonight for all of us? I’m too stressed to cook for everyone.” I wonder if they would be less inclined to visit on Tuesdays going forward if they knew you would be pressing them to help out?

The above is so beyond ridiculous and could only be written by a clueless person who has never had overnight company!

Ha. It was actually one of the better responses. Are you the Negative Nellie on the Mitzvah thread telling everyone their good deeds aren't good deeds? So delightful.

OP--keep your kids on the same bedtime regardless of whether there's visitors. Tell the older kids they can skip whatever after school activity they want, or find their own ride home. After school activities shouldn't come before family time. Those are extras. The only non-negotiable are homework and decent bedtime. No one would be dragging in the morning--if you are, make further adjustments next time. Also, good heavens, scale back those after school activities. That's why they're exhausted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We moved MIL near us in assisted living. Other son out of state and his wife come to visit weekdays every freaking time. They see the MIl during day and then hang out with us at night. My kids love to see them and all good- but it’s during school week and I have three kids in tough clssses and lots of after school activities -it’s bad timing and too hard. I asked them to visit weekends- it’s never convenient for them- I finally suggested we use MIL money to put them up in hotel.
My high school son has heavy school load. AP classes and plays a sport so busy. He had a huge AP history exam this morning and in laws (both retired ) hung out at our house until 10:30. My daughter has track tryouts snd then company dance after that tosay. And my 7 year old catches his bus at 6:20 am. So now today everyone is dragging.
So aggravated at my husband who never tells them to go home! Or ask to “meet” them for dinner so he can leave. I got aggravated at it last night and now he’s mad at me.
It’s ridiculous. They had kids- how are they so clueless that we can’t have people hanging out until 10:30 during school week. I feel justified in being so aggravated at husband.

Its inappropriate to have them stay in a hotel with MIL money.

[Anonymous]

OP, did you start this post, too? https://www.dcurbanmom.com/jforum/posts/list/1025062.page#21618389

If so, it sounds like you and your husband have an ongoing communication problem that should be addressed so you can have a more harmonious family life. Your husband is used to you taking the reins so he's happy to sit back and be passive WRT the visiting family.

Also, if they are staying in a hotel, why do they need to visit you, too? Could you agree to meet for one meal/one evening with a hard stop at 9 PM? How often are they visiting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound high strung, judgmental and unappreciative. How often do they actually come to visit? They sound like lovely people and your kids love them. You should be happy that they help out with your MIL by visiting her -- that lessens the burden on you.

I agree that it’s great my kids love them and that’s where I’m torn- but you have no idea on being unappreciative. First we brought my MIL near us to care for her and found out she actually had pretty advanced dementia. So on top of two working parents, Covid and three busy kids- we are helping full time with her. We take turns going over evey couple days snd can’t count more than one hand of events husband and I attend together for our kids. Typically one will drive kid 1 or 2- then other will go by to spend time with MIl. Instead of watching sons bball games, my husband goes to his moms those nights because I can take younger to see oldest play. All our weekends include MiL which is a challenge. We do need help from his brother- the reason they were here is she had glaucoma surgery Friday- so husband took off work- but with our house damage, we couldn’t spend nite with her and can’t just hang at her living center so used MIL money to bring brother him to help.
Yes my husband who handles her money decided it’s necesary. We can’t always do it all snd they don’t seem to come otherwise.

Point is, I enjoy their company- I appreciate their help- yes frustrated they don’t come on their dime but my husband offered the paying - better than paying a visiting angel service- but it doesn’t mean that my apppreciation removes my own family impact.
It’s complicated. Ideally they would come and help every other month or so- and spend time with us on weekends and some weeknights (not at our housr) and say “ love to go to dinner or get carry out- but know you all have kids to put to bed” and leave by 8:30ish.
But if I say something, may upset things and so feel my husband needs to find a way.

OP you did not need to explain in yourself to the ridiculous pp. Your in laws are inconsiderate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH would never stand for this. He kicked out his own mother and dad on her 75th birthday (not the night of her celebration, which we had had a few nights earlier) in order that the kids continue with their HW and be able to go to bed at a decent hour. He gave her fair warning that he would be doing so. We had a lovely dinner followed by another candle on a cake, then out the door.

OP, your DH needs to step in here and explain that this arrangement is not working. Perhaps when kids are on school breaks and vacations, you all can accommodate a mid-week late night visit, but not during school year. If you do have them for dinner, then have a hard stop and send them on their way. Think people tend to do better when they know the parameters.

GL!

Neither would mine. This would be so annoying.

[Anonymous]

Easy! Kids should go to bed normal time regardless of family there. What is the problem?

[Anonymous]

Family rule: no weekday overnight guests. No reason they can't get a hotel if they feel a need to inconvenience others (do they have no kids/how can they be traveling mid-week?)