No win with visiting in laws. Who is wrong- who is right?

[Anonymous]

We moved MIL near us in assisted living. Other son out of state and his wife come to visit weekdays every freaking time. They see the MIl during day and then hang out with us at night. My kids love to see them and all good- but it’s during school week and I have three kids in tough clssses and lots of after school activities -it’s bad timing and too hard. I asked them to visit weekends- it’s never convenient for them- I finally suggested we use MIL money to put them up in hotel.
My high school son has heavy school load. AP classes and plays a sport so busy. He had a huge AP history exam this morning and in laws (both retired ) hung out at our house until 10:30. My daughter has track tryouts snd then company dance after that tosay. And my 7 year old catches his bus at 6:20 am. So now today everyone is dragging.
So aggravated at my husband who never tells them to go home! Or ask to “meet” them for dinner so he can leave. I got aggravated at it last night and now he’s mad at me.
It’s ridiculous. They had kids- how are they so clueless that we can’t have people hanging out until 10:30 during school week. I feel justified in being so aggravated at husband.

[Anonymous]

They should not be doing weekday stays. That is way too much.

[Anonymous]

Family doesn’t need to be hosted. You simply have to learn to be ok with the son and wife hanging out in the den, watching tv and not being attended to. Keep firm to your schedule including the 7 year old’s bedtime.

In a way, this is a benefit to your high schooler. He can learn to set limits now before the distractions of college. In another year of two, he will have to learn to leave his friends and go to the library to study when he has an exam, and it’s really not that different to tell aunt and uncle “hey, I have an AP exam in the morning so I’m heading up to my room now to study. Love you and good night.”

Have you tried giving them tasks? “Hey, I know you are swinging by Tuesday after seeing MIL. Any chance you could take Tommy to soccer while I take Sally to track?” “Can you order in dinner tonight for all of us? I’m too stressed to cook for everyone.” I wonder if they would be less inclined to visit on Tuesdays going forward if they knew you would be pressing them to help out?

[Anonymous]

ITA. You didn't even mention your or DH's work schedules but even if it's just the kids, this wouldn't be viable in my house unless it's a one-off or emergency. You and your DH need to be on the same page, and one of you needs to communicate with your BIL and his wife.

I'm sure they mean well and they don't intend to be disruptive. My brother and his family operate on a different speed than we do - warp speed - and their visits are go-go-go. Even when they don't stay with us, even when they come in the summer or during spring break, I need a rest as soon as they leave. I put my foot down on one proposed visit this fall - my oldest is a senior and had an insane schedule plus college applications. I'm sure they thought I was a jerk, but it literally would not have been possible to entertain them while one kid was studying around the clock.

[Anonymous]

They are ok with picking up a kid to go eat- not sure about helping anything else- but I have carpools set up. We did ask them once to wrap their visit around time we needed help with kids and of course, they had spring break plans. MIl was getting eye surgery and we had trip with one child so could have used their help. That pissed me off because they are retired but again, they usually only visit on way to see someone else snd completely when it’s just convenient for them.
I do enjoy them- but now here we start the week exhausted again. It’s so crazy!
We had roof collapse over garage so last night the guy fixing came late- so had them pick up daughter at track and take her to eat- told my boys no aunt and uncle tonite- one of you doesn’t feel well and tired from their Sunday nite visit snd other son has AP exam.
But then the in laws came to drop daughter off and stayed forever so my 17 year old felt like he had to sit with them because we were in garage for an hour with this repair guy.
Normally the older two would have done their thing and gotten ready for bed. The little one would have been in front of tv show while we dealt with roofer.

Anyhow it’s just another night they really create hardship. But it’s my husbands freaking fault- he needs to say nicely- “ we can’t hang on school nights/ just too hard for kids to keep their routine”.

[Anonymous]

Are they staying in your house or visiting for the evening? You make comments that make it seem like both.

since you are seeing them regularly and it isn't really a social visit with your family, still do what you & your kids need to do.

[Anonymous]

Will DH help you in setting limits with your kids. "I know aunt and uncle larlo are going to be visiting, but you all have stuff to do tomorrow. Hector, at 7:30, you are going to your room to study. Hester and Horatio, you are going to bed at the regular time so you are rested for tomorrow." I guess I don't understand why you can't have dinner with them, socialize for a bit, and then leave your DH to host while the rest of you go about your business.

[Anonymous]

They used to stay with us and I had to be the one to say that doesn’t work can we use MIL money to pay for the hotel. They understood snd are fine with that. I also stated very hard on eeekday visits/ can you come do we all can enjoy spending time with you on weekends- falls on deaf ears. Usually seems they are headed to see their adult children for weekend so this is weekday stop on way. But it’s a few days like Sunday through Wednesday.
So now they stay at hotel but still want to come and hang at our house like we are all retired .
And no, we are not. We both have demanding jobs.

[Anonymous]

Kids should go to bed at normal time and go to all activities. Grandparents can tag along to activities if it is appropriate for a parent to be present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Family doesn’t need to be hosted. You simply have to learn to be ok with the son and wife hanging out in the den, watching tv and not being attended to. Keep firm to your schedule including the 7 year old’s bedtime.

In a way, this is a benefit to your high schooler. He can learn to set limits now before the distractions of college. In another year of two, he will have to learn to leave his friends and go to the library to study when he has an exam, and it’s really not that different to tell aunt and uncle “hey, I have an AP exam in the morning so I’m heading up to my room now to study. Love you and good night.”

Have you tried giving them tasks? “Hey, I know you are swinging by Tuesday after seeing MIL. Any chance you could take Tommy to soccer while I take Sally to track?” “Can you order in dinner tonight for all of us? I’m too stressed to cook for everyone.” I wonder if they would be less inclined to visit on Tuesdays going forward if they knew you would be pressing them to help out?

This 100%

[Anonymous]

I don't really understand. Do you have an extra bedroom for them? If you do - I would just say you can stay here but you're on your own during the week.

[Anonymous]

Everyone gets out of my house no later than 9pm on a weeknight. If it’s an overnight guest during normal times (meaning not a holiday week, NOT talking about pre-Covid normal), I leave them to themselves at 9pm. My entire family is the same way and it’s just understood. I just ask if they need anything, they say no, and that’s a wrap. Let go of the need to entertain these people and they’ll get the message to head to the hotel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They used to stay with us and I had to be the one to say that doesn’t work can we use MIL money to pay for the hotel. They understood snd are fine with that. I also stated very hard on eeekday visits/ can you come do we all can enjoy spending time with you on weekends- falls on deaf ears. Usually seems they are headed to see their adult children for weekend so this is weekday stop on way. But it’s a few days like Sunday through Wednesday.
So now they stay at hotel but still want to come and hang at our house like we are all retired .
And no, we are not. We both have demanding jobs.

You just keep saying “that doesn’t work for us” over and over. You can’t say it doesn’t work and then have them over. They will learn quickly.

[Anonymous]

OP -you seem to have too much on your plate without the weekday visits. Either lean in to the chaos that is having three teens in the house, with all the activities that YOU encourage them to do, or figure out what isn't important.

I am tired of the "we're SOOO busy" and can't handle it folks. You chose to do all of this - can't you at least be gracious about it?

And the ILs are older and are building relationships with your children - your kids are going to be leaving and the ILs will get too old to do these visits. Family is important.

Sounds like you don't have to "entertain" them at all. Adding two more portions to the dinner and just keep the guest room for them - a la don't change the sheets if they are going to be the next ones in there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will DH help you in setting limits with your kids. "I know aunt and uncle larlo are going to be visiting, but you all have stuff to do tomorrow. Hector, at 7:30, you are going to your room to study. Hester and Horatio, you are going to bed at the regular time so you are rested for tomorrow." I guess I don't understand why you can't have dinner with them, socialize for a bit, and then leave your DH to host while the rest of you go about your business.

We’ll easier said than done. These are super fun aunt and uncle- and my kids just have a hard time going to bed when they are there. Plus we have smaller house and they are loud! Last night was a bit odd in that this contractor came later than expected. I had carefully maneuvered a plan- told kids no go to eat with aunt and uncle- oldest take youngest to bball practice and home to get ready for bed and study. We were to be done with contractor by then.
Daughter picked up to eat so no aunt and uncle at our housr late.
But here they come inside after eating and never leave. The contractor stayed forever but there was a lot to discuss. The aunt and uncle just hung in living room with kids forever! They wouldn’t leave. So kids just hung- I kept telling daughter- go to bed. She of course argued- son said he was studying but in living room with them.
My husband helped with nothing. My son was pretty upset- he said that he felt like he needed to hang out and host them- but we knew he had a test. Which is understandable. He’s also super tired.