Resentment toward husband over project that went south

[Anonymous]

Not sure where to post this- real estate- home improvement - relationship- but here goes as the bottom line I need help with is relationship- although help on the project issue would be equally helpful.
So my DH wanted a pool and poolhouse forever- but I’m pretty tight and don’t like buying bad investments- however he reminded me marriage is compromise and I have gotten some things and he wants this- my things btw, are more investment than just fun.
Year ago after much saving we pulled trigger / then poolhouse builder takes our 100k and literally disappears last month- We were 70% done on poolhouse but we have now learned he stole the money and forged the paid invoices. So all the subcontractors are coming after us. It’s been devasting. Not only because this sits in our backyard unfinished- but we lost so much money and all these folks are coming out of woodwork filing liens etc.
I am primary breadwinner and we buy this stuff with my bonuses.
So I am furious about this! And can’t get past my anger. I never wanted this stupid poolhouse - gave up my backyard to build it ( we have small yard)- and now it’s ruined our holidays and each day getting worse. That knock on the door as another lien is sent to us.
I feel so angry that this cost so much of our savings- and has ended up Being emotionally devastating. I’m scared and not sure what to do.
I also actually feel aggravated because we had no business with both of us working taking on this big a project - we haven’t had time to pick things and make decisions so took us forever - And now we’ll never get out from under it.
He says this is not worth ruining our family and marriage and I KNOW that. But can’t help feel so mad! And unfortunately I’m directing it at him. One side note- I feel like now he is leaning on me too much to find solution.
I also get angry that he doesn’t make the right decision and now can’t fix it! I am tired of handling it all! I know I’m totally in the wrong.

[Anonymous]

Was your contractor licensed and bonded? This is the whole purpose of having a bonded contractor

[Anonymous]

You are not totally in the wrong for wanting DH to handle this. Let him know that if he wants to have the pool house not ruin your relationship then he has to own fixing the issue without it causing you any more pressure.

[Anonymous]

OP here- he was licensed - but we called city and nothing they can do - and he was late on paying his bond amount. I think he got way in over his head on gambling debt and had good reputation so folks extended him credit.
How can I find out if there is another bond or who would have it and how far after he goes under is the unpaid bond in place.
We met with attorney and he feels we would spend a lot of money to pursue and sounds like this guy is dead broke.
The large university project had a bond/ so they are safe- at least any “project over 40k”.
He apparently had an LLC and building project with our state senator’s daughter- but we had our attorney calm her and she said they didn’t have bond on project.
We have copy of his insurance policy would that be bond owner? It’s travelers insurance.

[Anonymous]

This is something that really should be bringing you closer together, not driving you apart. I’m sure your H feels terrible and is scared you’ll leave him or punish him in some way. You need to rally together and come up with a plan together.

Also, you need to change your attitude about money and possessions. In a marriage, it’s not your money or your backyard. It belongs to both of you equally. Also change your attitude about your H doing the “right” thing - there’s nothing wrong with wanting and working towards a pool.

I’d start by sharing your actual feelings with him with a very soft start up. “I’m not blaming you or angry with you, but I’m so scared what’s going to happen and need comfort”.

[Anonymous]

You are not totally in the wrong for wanting DH to handle this. Let him know that if he wants to have the pool house not ruin your relationship then he has to own fixing the issue without it causing you any more pressure.

+1. Have you tried turning over the project to him to solve? (And I don't mean give him the paperwork but still make all the calls and second guess him. I mean totally handing him the ball.)

IMO if you don't want to take down your marriage, you'll need to accept the unfairness of it all and let him deal with the consequences. I'm sure you have other things you'd rather do than call attorneys.

[Anonymous]

Yes I know PP that you are right- completely! I know I’m in the wrong snd trying hard to be understanding. And yes I hate how I feel like - it’s “my” etc. I make a lot more than him and all these special purchases come from my bonuses. I’m also 10 years younger and he’s 59 so wants to retire soon. So I have told him I want to reduce our debt and the things we own snd the stress- I have been worried because we have three kids starting college over next 2-8 years.
He works corporate America and most of his co- workers get offered packages around 60. So I have told him I’m so nervous to have all our income come from me and have to pay all our expenses snd college. What if I lost my job?? I’m too old to want to start over.
That’s why I save so much. I want to pay for kids college - we want to pay- and I want to slow down work over next 5-8 years to enjoy my kids/ I work all the time.
And now I feel like I’m on that gerbil treadmill for rest of my life. But I know that my attitude is totally wrong to blame him.

[Anonymous]

Op here- sadly I don’t have confidence in him handling. So you’re right- if I let him, I kind of worry what end result would be. Why can’t he draw up a plan of bulldozing vs finding new builder/ believe me we have interviews about 5- they are all so buys now that they want to charge 30k minimum just to take the job. It’s 70% done and most all the remaining stuff had been selected- we just need help in otder of install- so to pay a 30-40 is so high.
But I also want to make the call snd move forward. As long as it’s hanging out there- we ar losing more time on this construction loan and getting farther out on all the stuff we need to order.

[Anonymous]

No advice but just wanted to say that you’re not “totally wrong” the way you keep saying. I’d be pissed too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here- sadly I don’t have confidence in him handling. So you’re right- if I let him, I kind of worry what end result would be. Why can’t he draw up a plan of bulldozing vs finding new builder/ believe me we have interviews about 5- they are all so buys now that they want to charge 30k minimum just to take the job. It’s 70% done and most all the remaining stuff had been selected- we just need help in otder of install- so to pay a 30-40 is so high.
But I also want to make the call snd move forward. As long as it’s hanging out there- we ar losing more time on this construction loan and getting farther out on all the stuff we need to order.

You mean you got a loan for this?

[Anonymous]

I am sorry you are going through this. Does sound stressful.

My advice would be to first get a plan for retirement and college in place along with your spouse, and then tackle this issue once you have the larger plan. The bigger worries are causing this issue to be magnified. (not that it is trivial).

[Anonymous]

Ok. It sounds like from your posts you lost $30k because the rest is 70% done? And it’ll take another $30-40K to finish? That’s definitely better than $100K lost so that’s good news. So many construction projects run way more than originally estimated. Not usually because of this reason but often because of other unanticipated issues behind the walls or floors. So while this is infuriating, it’s not an unusual thing to happen, running over the estimated cost. So the overage could have happened with another contractor for other reasons.

It also sounds like the attorney is recommending not to sue because you’ll sink a lot of legal costs into it and he won’t have the money to pay. Even if he does, he’s thinking you’ll come out negative with all the court and attorney costs. You could check into small claims court, which doesn’t have much cost, but this may be over the small claims limit. So the main avenue to pursue him is possibly the bond, and you’re investigating that.

It is going to more detrimental to your marriage to have the project unfinished in the backyard and never be able to use it. So it would make the most sense to finish the project with another contractor once you’re able so your family can enjoy it.

In terms of your husband’s retirement, it sounds like he will need to be put that off for several years so that your finances can catch up after this. He made that choice by advocating for a $100K change to the house he really wanted. So now it’ll be until at least the 65 mark, possibly the next mark at 69 since you’ll also be needing to fund college for the kids, which the $100K could have been used for. Not saying that you shouldn’t have built the pool, just saying that the desire and decision to do that means now retirement is put off so that his income can help pay for pool.

[Anonymous]

^^ Pp here, last sentence should end with help pay for pool and college. He needs to understand he doesn’t get the dream pool without helping to pay for it and the kids’ college. No retirement until that’s all caught up. His income will go a long way toward that versus having nothing coming in and retirement money going out of funds, not accumulating still.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, if you really can’t swallow the thought of the addiction 30k, I’d get my whole family out there with hammers and finish and subcontract the electrical, plumbing and a finisher for the drywall. The rest is literally swinging hammers (or air compressed nail guns). I’d put my DH in charge of the whole thing - watching YouTube, a schedule and who is doing what.

Rent the tile saw, nail gun, etc. and start doing it.

This is all on the premise that it’s a one story structure- if not, hire someone to do the roof.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is something that really should be bringing you closer together, not driving you apart. I’m sure your H feels terrible and is scared you’ll leave him or punish him in some way. You need to rally together and come up with a plan together.

Also, you need to change your attitude about money and possessions. In a marriage, it’s not your money or your backyard. It belongs to both of you equally. Also change your attitude about your H doing the “right” thing - there’s nothing wrong with wanting and working towards a pool.

I’d start by sharing your actual feelings with him with a very soft start up. “I’m not blaming you or angry with you, but I’m so scared what’s going to happen and need comfort”.

The husband pushing for a stupid investment that OP didn't want that ended up a money pit from hell is not something that should bring them together. I would get couples counseling so the resentment of his entitlement doesn't eat you alive.