No win with visiting in laws. Who is wrong- who is right?

[Anonymous]

Tell them, directly, with specific dates:

"We can host you Friday, Feb. 18-Sunday, Feb. 20. If you want to come during weekdays, I'm afraid you're going to have to stay in a hotel. We can host some weekends, but it's hectic during the week and frankly, we're not up for super-frequent hosting. We can be in the mix of hosting you, but we can't be your home base when you visit every time."

[Anonymous]

It sounds like they’re inconsiderate. Your husband needs to suggest meeting for dinner or ice cream in those instances where a prolonged visit is disruptive. You need to be very self aware about when it’s genuinely “disruptive” not just “annoying” and give your husband the chance to see his sibling in the latter instances. Also there’s no reason you have to participate until 10:30! Go to bed!

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to your DH in a CALM time about this. It's too disruptive during the week, period. If they can't accommodate that, then he needs to visit with them outside of your house.

I would also keep all the kids on their same schedule and not do any extra catering to BIL at all. So have him help make dinner, or clean up, and work to keep your kids on their schedules. Ask DH to help in the same way you would when they aren't there. "As discussed, weeknights are really busy around here, so you'll have to rummage in the fridge for your own dinner tonight BIL, or there are several take out places around the corner".

[Anonymous]

I personally would simply refuse to play host but let them access our house, in order to not spend down MIL’s care fund for a hotel. But I’m the type of person who can easily turn off hosting duties for family - I simply won’t cook for or entertain them and would go about our regular schedules.

[Anonymous]

OP it's your home and no is a complete sentence. However,
Can you elaborate on exactly what takes the worst toll on you?

I'd let them come but not cater to them. I'm not cooking, cleaning, changing sheets or schedules. Tell the kids they can visit with Aunt Larla for 30 minutes then they are banished to their rooms for studying. You can't be home for dinner because you are chauffering kids to activities. Whatever. Put more on your husband.

Be nice but continue to live your life as if they aren't there. It's one thing to cater to guests once or twice a year, you can't live your life around them weekly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally would simply refuse to play host but let them access our house, in order to not spend down MIL’s care fund for a hotel. But I’m the type of person who can easily turn off hosting duties for family - I simply won’t cook for or entertain them and would go about our regular schedules.

This. Just go about your regular routine. Tell your kids that they need to do their homework, studying, activities, etc., even if their aunt and uncle are visiting. And you do whatever it is you normally do. Tell your visiting family that you are happy for them to come by, but you and the kids will be busy doing whatever it is you normally do on those evenings. It's family. You don't have to sit there and entertain them as you would other guests. When it's time for bed, just say that it was great seeing them, but you and kids need to go to bed because you have school and work tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

When it's 9pm, round the kids up for bed, tell BIL and SIL, well that was fun, since it's a school night, kids need to go to bed. Good night to you both.

You have to break up the party. It's tiring, it's rude of them, but you have to learn to set limit to their face.

[Anonymous]

OP, you sound high strung, judgmental and unappreciative. How often do they actually come to visit? They sound like lovely people and your kids love them. You should be happy that they help out with your MIL by visiting her -- that lessens the burden on you.

[Anonymous]

"If you want to continue staying with us during the week, we need to be on the same page. We have school and work, and we don't have the capacity to host-host/entertain you. You are welcome to stay here and help yourself to whatever is in the fridge, but you need to fend yourself and not expect us to chat with you when we need to be doing homework, doing chores, and doing what our routine needs to be. If you can accept this, you can stay during the week. If you can't accept this, you can only stay here occasionally on the weekends. Are we on the same page?"

[Anonymous]

I would tell them you need their help in enforcing the routine if they want to visit on weeknights, aka, encourage your 7 yo to go to bed, maybe read her a story? Have dinner with them and then spend 30 min catching up and then send them to the hotel.

You know, the MIL is going to die eventually and these visits will stop and you and your family might miss them. I would love to have my DH's sibling visit once a week, but they don't live close by.

You need to chill out a little bit - it sounds like you really need to control things. I would just have a talk with the family and say we can have these visits, but we need to enforce routine. If you are overwhelmed, tell ILs. Have them pick up dinner every time and set it up, help the kids with homework, etc. Make it work for you! And keep that family time that you won't likely get the chance to enjoy again.

Your kids like them, this is important. Kids remember stuff like this when they are older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They used to stay with us and I had to be the one to say that doesn’t work can we use MIL money to pay for the hotel. They understood snd are fine with that. I also stated very hard on eeekday visits/ can you come do we all can enjoy spending time with you on weekends- falls on deaf ears. Usually seems they are headed to see their adult children for weekend so this is weekday stop on way. But it’s a few days like Sunday through Wednesday.
So now they stay at hotel but still want to come and hang at our house like we are all retired .
And no, we are not. We both have demanding jobs.

Unless MIL thinks that is a good idea, you have no right to use her money to pay for their choices

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Will DH help you in setting limits with your kids. "I know aunt and uncle larlo are going to be visiting, but you all have stuff to do tomorrow. Hector, at 7:30, you are going to your room to study. Hester and Horatio, you are going to bed at the regular time so you are rested for tomorrow." I guess I don't understand why you can't have dinner with them, socialize for a bit, and then leave your DH to host while the rest of you go about your business.

We’ll easier said than done. These are super fun aunt and uncle- and my kids just have a hard time going to bed when they are there. Plus we have smaller house and they are loud! Last night was a bit odd in that this contractor came later than expected. I had carefully maneuvered a plan- told kids no go to eat with aunt and uncle- oldest take youngest to bball practice and home to get ready for bed and study. We were to be done with contractor by then.
Daughter picked up to eat so no aunt and uncle at our housr late.
But here they come inside after eating and never leave. The contractor stayed forever but there was a lot to discuss. The aunt and uncle just hung in living room with kids forever! They wouldn’t leave. So kids just hung- I kept telling daughter- go to bed. She of course argued- son said he was studying but in living room with them.
My husband helped with nothing. My son was pretty upset- he said that he felt like he needed to hang out and host them- but we knew he had a test. Which is understandable. He’s also super tired.

It's not really understandable that your son would want to go study but feel that he needs to host. If you and your son are on the same page, just loudly say "John, I know you are enjoying the company, but you have a big test tomorrow. If you don't go upstairs now, you'll be in trouble with me." Just give him the out and he will go. I understand it being tougher with the little kids if they are having a good time. If you insist a few times and put up with fighting and tears that aren't fun for anyone, the IL may start to get it.

[Anonymous]

If they are regular visitors then you don’t have to drop everything to entertain them. Let them hang out and do their thing. Your kids can say hello and then go about their activities and stick to their usual bedtimes. Just be firm with your kids.

[Anonymous]

While it is inconsiderate, your husband is the one that is setting the rules. He's the sibling of one of the relatives and he is not putting boundaries on the visits.

Since you've asked them to visit on weekends and they have objected, you and the kids should maintain your schedule and do whatever needs to get done on that routine. It will also teach the kids, who are teens, how to manage their time. If they want to spend time with fun aunt and uncle, then they need to get the homework done earlier. You can tell your son to go do his homework in another room because he's distracted by aunt and uncle and not doing his work. If he says that he feels like has to host them, tell him that they are family and do not need to be hosted. If they do, then his father (your DH) can do it.

You need to have a discussion with your family and explain that the family routine should not be disrupted by their visits. Explain to your husband that since his sibling and spouse do not want to change their habits, that he needs to be responsible for them when they visit. If they need to be hosted, he has to do it. Otherwise, the kids and you have a schedule to maintain on weekdays and you are done with trying to accommodate their visits and disrupting the family schedule, exhausting the kids, etc. So let him deal with his sibling. If your daughter was arguing about going to bed, tell her she'll have to visit with them next time and that she needs to get her rest. If aunt and uncle are too loud after kids go to bed, you ask them to please quiet down as the kids have gone to bed. Since your DH is the one allowing them to break household boundaries, let him be the one responsible for them when they do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you sound high strung, judgmental and unappreciative. How often do they actually come to visit? They sound like lovely people and your kids love them. You should be happy that they help out with your MIL by visiting her -- that lessens the burden on you.

I agree that it’s great my kids love them and that’s where I’m torn- but you have no idea on being unappreciative. First we brought my MIL near us to care for her and found out she actually had pretty advanced dementia. So on top of two working parents, Covid and three busy kids- we are helping full time with her. We take turns going over evey couple days snd can’t count more than one hand of events husband and I attend together for our kids. Typically one will drive kid 1 or 2- then other will go by to spend time with MIl. Instead of watching sons bball games, my husband goes to his moms those nights because I can take younger to see oldest play. All our weekends include MiL which is a challenge. We do need help from his brother- the reason they were here is she had glaucoma surgery Friday- so husband took off work- but with our house damage, we couldn’t spend nite with her and can’t just hang at her living center so used MIL money to bring brother him to help.
Yes my husband who handles her money decided it’s necesary. We can’t always do it all snd they don’t seem to come otherwise.

Point is, I enjoy their company- I appreciate their help- yes frustrated they don’t come on their dime but my husband offered the paying - better than paying a visiting angel service- but it doesn’t mean that my apppreciation removes my own family impact.
It’s complicated. Ideally they would come and help every other month or so- and spend time with us on weekends and some weeknights (not at our housr) and say “ love to go to dinner or get carry out- but know you all have kids to put to bed” and leave by 8:30ish.
But if I say something, may upset things and so feel my husband needs to find a way.