Spouses from functional families vs dysfunctional families

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it is weird to ASSume that not being divorced means you are happily married.

Yep, divorce is often a financial decision. One of the posters above mentioned how the divorce rates are higher in low income populations. Well, having money often allows one to buy their way out of dysfunction (outsource all the domestic labor, have a house large enough or more than one property to live apart together) or forces them to turn blind to certain things if divorce means a significant hit to financial and social status. Some of the most dysfunctional families I've seen are those who "could never divorce" for financial reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would assume yes because the dysfunction is passed down through the generations unless a person gets help and breaks the cycle. I would assume it would be the same in functional families.

However this is the funny thing, lots of dysfunctional families actually think they are successful functional families. They cannot see the dysfunction. It is normal to them.

That is why if someone says they come from a close family I now see it as a red flag. Most people in these 'close' families are somewhat dysfunctional. They almost speak like they are a clan, and any newcomers have to prove themselves to be accepted into the fold. Their lives then reflect this mentality.

The functional families I know have not described themselves as close, ever. They do however in their actions and words show a very close supportive loving family.

It takes a self aware, smart and confident person to move away from home, realize they’re are better ways of doing things and talking, and then see how different their family of origin was in some ways, and then improve themselves.
My father did it. He and the siblings who moved away- college, other states- all are healthier and more successful than the ones who stayed and never grew as people. My cousins are estranged from their fathers who did not change. My father had bits of drama, as the oldest child, to try to fix over the decades.
It was mainly manipulation and games and personal attacks from the unhappy matriarch, who was overwhelmed and possibly quite unhappy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce rate is higher in low income, low education and POC. It’s often connected with alcoholism, drug abuse, infidelity, mental health and domestic violence. Many of these factors are passed from one generation to the next one, it’s not just learned behavior, it can be genetic and circumstantial. Some people break the cycle, others keep repeating it.

Reported the racist disinformation

It’s odd because majority of the time the dysfunctional are not legally married having kids with multiple women anyhow, do no divorce rate to contribute to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone’s family has some dysfunction. I also think the level of tolerance for the dysfunction decreases as you add more people and responsibilities (spouses, kids and jobs).

I would think the tolerance goes up, as you are too busy to do interventions and navel gazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from a loving but dysfunctional family, but am in a stable functional marriage with kids. Im a terrific mom. My mom, whom i loved dearly passed away 6 years ago. Her relationship with my dad was fraught— tension that often turned violent, though he did not hit her that i know of. My father loved her and showed remorse every time. I don't think my mom loved him much if Im being honest. She nagged him constantly and would say terrible things to set him off. Now my aunts, her sisters, bring it up that my dad was abusive to her and mistreated her, and it makes me very upset. He is now old and frail. Families are complex. There is often love even in these circumstances. My sibling adds another layer of dysfunction— substance abuse, mental illness (bipolar), but again there is love along with all the hurt.

I’d believe the aunts.

Nagging shouldn’t be needed because he should have done what he agreed to do. Voila, o reminding or nagging or letting down people.

Set him off. Rewind and see what set her off. Maybe in todays time should could have divorced.

[Anonymous]

Undiagnosed and untreated mental disorders can really mess up a family and the childrens safety, development, communication skills, and relationship role models. Their whole sense of familiarity is based on a mentally disordered parent (neglect, abuse, lying) and a healthy parent trying to accommodate that. It’s terrible. And divorce and split custody is not the clear answer for the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends. DH and I are both from dysfunctional families. We do sometimes joke that it would be nice if at least one of us had a functional family to create a support system, only we’re not really kidding because wow it would be nice.

But I do think there is a benefit to us both understanding and commiserating with one another’s family situation. We never judge or resent the other so there’s a lot of acceptance in our marriage, which helps.

But the PP is right that you need a lot of self-awareness for this to work. The main thing I’d be wary of is if your SO’s family is dysfunctional but they are very defensive/protective of it and can’t willingly identify the dysfunction. This will basically make it impossible to address the ways the dysfunction impacts either of you. The reason my DH and I work is because we both see what is going on in our FoO, and know we don’t want to repeat those patterns in our own family. And that’s a conversation that started when we started dating, basically the first time we had a conflict. I asked him how his parents might have resolved an argument like that snd he got very serious and said “No, I don’t want to do this the way they would.” And we’ve been on our own path ever since.

This is us, too. And regardless of how “dysfunctional” a family is, adult children need to have good boundaries with their parents. Plenty of “functional” families have pushy dynamics and if the kids can’t or won’t set boundaries because their family is so “functional,” it can be miserable.

DH and I are by far the most functional in our extended families. It’s lonely at times, but we do really get each other and support our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are statistics that the children of divorced families are more likely to be divorced, so yes dysfunction in that respect is “hereditary”.

Other than that I think it comes down to self awareness. If an adult knows their family is dysfunctional and sets good boundaries/does the work to avoid enmeshment I think they have as good a chance as successful marriage as anyone else, perhaps better because self awareness is very good for other relationship issues as well.

As someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family - let me say that in my youth I completely disagreed and couldn't understand how dysfunction could be 'hereditary'.
Well, now in my 50s I think I can explain.
It's not genetic per se, it's behaviors that we normalize to our children.
If we treat our children or spouse poorly and it is a normal part of family relations to do so, the child grows up thinking this is perfectly acceptable behavior.
Children who grow up in conflict riddled households think conflict is normal.

As people we seek out what seems familiar to us. And so people who grew up in dysfynctional households are drawn to similarly dysfunctional situations. Because these circumstances are something they can relate to, something they are familiar with. It's not a conscious decision to do so and that's why dysfunction perpetuates itself.

There is a lot more one can go into, but the short and quick of this 'hereditary' notion is that certain behaviors and dynamics are normalized in households and the offspring of such households carry this baggage unbeknownst with them wherever they go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are statistics that the children of divorced families are more likely to be divorced, so yes dysfunction in that respect is “hereditary”.

Other than that I think it comes down to self awareness. If an adult knows their family is dysfunctional and sets good boundaries/does the work to avoid enmeshment I think they have as good a chance as successful marriage as anyone else, perhaps better because self awareness is very good for other relationship issues as well.

As someone who grew up in a dysfunctional family - let me say that in my youth I completely disagreed and couldn't understand how dysfunction could be 'hereditary'.
Well, now in my 50s I think I can explain.
It's not genetic per se, it's behaviors that we normalize to our children.
If we treat our children or spouse poorly and it is a normal part of family relations to do so, the child grows up thinking this is perfectly acceptable behavior.
Children who grow up in conflict riddled households think conflict is normal.

As people we seek out what seems familiar to us. And so people who grew up in dysfynctional households are drawn to similarly dysfunctional situations. Because these circumstances are something they can relate to, something they are familiar with. It's not a conscious decision to do so and that's why dysfunction perpetuates itself.

There is a lot more one can go into, but the short and quick of this 'hereditary' notion is that certain behaviors and dynamics are normalized in households and the offspring of such households carry this baggage unbeknownst with them wherever they go.

What you’re talking about is the phenomenon of generational trauma and you’re giving a very apt, lived experience of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leo Tolstoy has a famous quote: "All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." I think it is very true. The thing is that unhappy and dysfunctional families have sooooo many issues and sooooo many problems that it would be impossible to solve in even one or two generations. It takes tremendous effort and focus to try to change the dynamic. That doesn't mean that one person can't break away and change themselves but it takes a lot of work if, indeed, the person even recognizes that there is a problem.

I think unhappy families are the ones who are often unhappy in similar ways. Similar broad themes show themselves over multiple generations (and cultures) and timeperiods.

Addictions, weak parental bonds that blur the lines between parents and children (boundary issues), narcissism that often is associated with that, too much involvement or too little involvement, abuse of various types, poverty, trauma (early deaths of parents and little support for the children), neglect. Meanwhile there are all kinds of ways to be in a happy family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leo Tolstoy has a famous quote: "All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." I think it is very true. The thing is that unhappy and dysfunctional families have sooooo many issues and sooooo many problems that it would be impossible to solve in even one or two generations. It takes tremendous effort and focus to try to change the dynamic. That doesn't mean that one person can't break away and change themselves but it takes a lot of work if, indeed, the person even recognizes that there is a problem.

One person changing themselves is a way to change the system. And is actually all we really have control over.

[Anonymous]

I, the DW, come from a dysfunctional family that play-acted at being a perfect, esteemed family. As it turned out, my sisters and I are very successful (yay, superficial success!) but neurotic, with depression, eating disorders and as for me, drinking problems and ADHD. I am estranged from my mother.

DH has very nice parents, though one has a mental illness, under control. He was adopted by his parents, which brings along some level of trauma. He has ADHD also. And drinks too much sometimes.

SO here we are raising a kid. I think we are functional but I often worry. What crap I might be perpetuating. However, we have lots and lots of love and forgiveness in our little family, I think it's enough??? Also money. We have enough money.

We provide lots of opportunities and speak kindly. We do not shame. We do not spank. We show loads of affection. We do not expect the kid to live out our own ideas, but his own ideas. He is not ours to make, he is only under our care. This is what I wanted for myself, and what I am making to happen.

[Anonymous]

They are also watching how you speak and interact with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are statistics that the children of divorced families are more likely to be divorced, so yes dysfunction in that respect is “hereditary”.

Other than that I think it comes down to self awareness. If an adult knows their family is dysfunctional and sets good boundaries/does the work to avoid enmeshment I think they have as good a chance as successful marriage as anyone else, perhaps better because self awareness is very good for other relationship issues as well.

And people whose parents were/are cheaters are 75% more likely to cheat.
And people whose parents had addiction/mental illness are more likely to face problems with addiction/mental illness.

Add to that, many of these issues don't start becoming an issue until these kids reach middle age with children of their own. The repressed trauma can cause them to some of the things their parents did which they swore they never would do.