Spouses from functional families vs dysfunctional families

[Anonymous]

I come from a loving but dysfunctional family, but am in a stable functional marriage with kids. Im a terrific mom. My mom, whom i loved dearly passed away 6 years ago. Her relationship with my dad was fraught— tension that often turned violent, though he did not hit her that i know of. My father loved her and showed remorse every time. I don't think my mom loved him much if Im being honest. She nagged him constantly and would say terrible things to set him off. Now my aunts, her sisters, bring it up that my dad was abusive to her and mistreated her, and it makes me very upset. He is now old and frail. Families are complex. There is often love even in these circumstances. My sibling adds another layer of dysfunction— substance abuse, mental illness (bipolar), but again there is love along with all the hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would assume yes because the dysfunction is passed down through the generations unless a person gets help and breaks the cycle. I would assume it would be the same in functional families.

However this is the funny thing, lots of dysfunctional families actually think they are successful functional families. They cannot see the dysfunction. It is normal to them.

That is why if someone says they come from a close family I now see it as a red flag. Most people in these 'close' families are somewhat dysfunctional. They almost speak like they are a clan, and any newcomers have to prove themselves to be accepted into the fold. Their lives then reflect this mentality.

The functional families I know have not described themselves as close, ever. They do however in their actions and words show a very close supportive loving family.

I could not agree with this statement for. I heard the family described the same way, said in a “we are close, you’re on the outside way” when I’ve been married to my husband for 9 years and put sooo much into the kids having relationships with their grandparents and it’s very one sided (we are the ones that have to come to them always.)

[Anonymous]

I married a man from a very functional family. I've always been drawn to them. I know it's good for me. But it's really boring sometimes.

[Anonymous]

I don't think this is a black and white question. I find it weird to totalize family interactions that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce rate is higher in low income, low education and POC. It’s often connected with alcoholism, drug abuse, infidelity, mental health and domestic violence. Many of these factors are passed from one generation to the next one, it’s not just learned behavior, it can be genetic and circumstantial. Some people break the cycle, others keep repeating it.

Reported the racist disinformation

It’s not discrimination, just stating the unfortunate facts. Oppression, racism, slavery, segregation and marginalization rob communities in many ways.

[Anonymous]

*disinformation

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I come from a loving but dysfunctional family, but am in a stable functional marriage with kids. Im a terrific mom. My mom, whom i loved dearly passed away 6 years ago. Her relationship with my dad was fraught— tension that often turned violent, though he did not hit her that i know of. My father loved her and showed remorse every time. I don't think my mom loved him much if Im being honest. She nagged him constantly and would say terrible things to set him off. Now my aunts, her sisters, bring it up that my dad was abusive to her and mistreated her, and it makes me very upset. He is now old and frail. Families are complex. There is often love even in these circumstances. My sibling adds another layer of dysfunction— substance abuse, mental illness (bipolar), but again there is love along with all the hurt.

Being old and frail doesn’t absolve anyone of their actions when they were young and strong to scare and harass weaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would assume yes because the dysfunction is passed down through the generations unless a person gets help and breaks the cycle. I would assume it would be the same in functional families.

However this is the funny thing, lots of dysfunctional families actually think they are successful functional families. They cannot see the dysfunction. It is normal to them.

That is why if someone says they come from a close family I now see it as a red flag. Most people in these 'close' families are somewhat dysfunctional. They almost speak like they are a clan, and any newcomers have to prove themselves to be accepted into the fold. Their lives then reflect this mentality.

The functional families I know have not described themselves as close, ever. They do however in their actions and words show a very close supportive loving family.

I know so many dysfunctional families and none has a clannish feel. This is so weird. And lots of totally functional families describe themselves as close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Everyone’s family has some dysfunction. I also think the level of tolerance for the dysfunction decreases as you add more people and responsibilities (spouses, kids and jobs).

Every family some but there is dysfunction and there is DYSFUNCTION. People who see trivial minor issues as dysfunction have little idea of what real dysfunction is.

[Anonymous]

Family can be close knit without enmeshment. Enmeshed families aren't close knit, they are entangled as a web.

[Anonymous]

Close knit families embrace significant others, enmeshed families consider them threat to group’s echo system.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would assume yes because the dysfunction is passed down through the generations unless a person gets help and breaks the cycle. I would assume it would be the same in functional families.

However this is the funny thing, lots of dysfunctional families actually think they are successful functional families. They cannot see the dysfunction. It is normal to them.

That is why if someone says they come from a close family I now see it as a red flag. Most people in these 'close' families are somewhat dysfunctional. They almost speak like they are a clan, and any newcomers have to prove themselves to be accepted into the fold. Their lives then reflect this mentality.

The functional families I know have not described themselves as close, ever. They do however in their actions and words show a very close supportive loving family.

I know so many dysfunctional families and none has a clannish feel. This is so weird. And lots of totally functional families describe themselves as close.

DP. I think, like a lot of things, closeness can go either way. I also know some functional families I'd describe as close. But like PP, I also know some families that think of themselves as very functional and successful where their closeness is, I think, a sign of dysfunction. I can think of one in particular where they are extremely close and have one very successful sibling, but there are lots of issues with some of the others -- inability to develop or maintain long term relationships, despite very much wanting to, being the biggest one. It's like the closeness of the family inhibits their ability to form their own familial bonds. I also think the family is extremely focused on the success and career and family of the one very successful sibling to the detriment of the others. There is simply not airspace for others. But the closeness feels good and they'd feel very lonely without it. It's basically codependency, but in a package that seems really great at first.

But I'm from a dysfunctional family that is not close and that's hard too -- people don't talk to each other, there is very little trust or companionship. I had an extremely lonely upbringing and early adulthood. But I did ultimately figure out how to create my own family that has the closeness I craved as a child. Whereas my friend in the family I just described will likely never marry or have kids of her own, because there is simply no room in her life for it. I don't think people have to get married or have kids to be fulfilled, but it's what she says she wants.

So in our case, my family's dysfunction actually drove me to create a strong and functional marriage and become a supportive and loving parent. Whereas her family's dysfunction is kind of masked. I used to be jealous of her family and now I'm not so sure it's as great as I thought when I first encountered them in my 20s (we are in our 40s now).

[Anonymous]

I think it is weird to ASSume that not being divorced means you are happily married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely underestimated this before getting married.
I have friends though from very disfunctional families though who have great marriages and families. I think they are very self aware and put the work in to recognize that they don’t have the baseline knowledge or expectations some other people might.

Yep, this is my H. His family is incredibly disfunctional, mine is boring and sane and happy. We have a good marriage and great kids. H is joking that, as long as he does the opposite of what his parents do, we will be ok.

This is us. My husband was fully aware of the distinction in his family (although his parents and sister still seem willfully blind to it) and worked every day to be the opposite of that. While we have no relationship with his family now after some particularly atrocious acts on their behalf, he and I have a great marriage and we have built a very happy family with our kids. He’s a wonderful husband and father and he works very hard at not letting his past be part of his present.

[Anonymous]

^^^ dysfunction, not distinction