Reply to Spouses from functional families vs dysfunctional families

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Depends. DH and I are both from dysfunctional families. We do sometimes joke that it would be nice if at least one of us had a functional family to create a support system, only we’re not really kidding because wow it would be nice.

But I do think there is a benefit to us both understanding and commiserating with one another’s family situation. We never judge or resent the other so there’s a lot of acceptance in our marriage, which helps.

But the PP is right that you need a lot of self-awareness for this to work. The main thing I’d be wary of is if your SO’s family is dysfunctional but they are very defensive/protective of it and can’t willingly identify the dysfunction. This will basically make it impossible to address the ways the dysfunction impacts either of you. The reason my DH and I work is because we both see what is going on in our FoO, and know we don’t want to repeat those patterns in our own family. And that’s a conversation that started when we started dating, basically the first time we had a conflict. I asked him how his parents might have resolved an argument like that snd he got very serious and said “No, I don’t want to do this the way they would.” And we’ve been on our own path ever since.[/quote]

This is us, too.  And regardless of how “dysfunctional” a family is, adult children need to have good boundaries with their parents.  Plenty of “functional” families have pushy dynamics and if the kids can’t or won’t set boundaries because their family is so “functional,” it can be miserable.

DH and I are by far the most functional in our extended families.  It’s lonely at times, but we do really get each other and support our kids.[/quote]

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