Spouses from functional families vs dysfunctional families

[Anonymous]

Are odds of having a successful family life higher for people who grew up in a functional and happy family?

[Anonymous]

I would assume yes because the dysfunction is passed down through the generations unless a person gets help and breaks the cycle. I would assume it would be the same in functional families.

However this is the funny thing, lots of dysfunctional families actually think they are successful functional families. They cannot see the dysfunction. It is normal to them.

That is why if someone says they come from a close family I now see it as a red flag. Most people in these 'close' families are somewhat dysfunctional. They almost speak like they are a clan, and any newcomers have to prove themselves to be accepted into the fold. Their lives then reflect this mentality.

The functional families I know have not described themselves as close, ever. They do however in their actions and words show a very close supportive loving family.

[Anonymous]

Yes, definitely

[Anonymous]

I definitely underestimated this before getting married.
I have friends though from very disfunctional families though who have great marriages and families. I think they are very self aware and put the work in to recognize that they don’t have the baseline knowledge or expectations some other people might.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I definitely underestimated this before getting married.
I have friends though from very disfunctional families though who have great marriages and families. I think they are very self aware and put the work in to recognize that they don’t have the baseline knowledge or expectations some other people might.

Yep, this is my H. His family is incredibly disfunctional, mine is boring and sane and happy. We have a good marriage and great kids. H is joking that, as long as he does the opposite of what his parents do, we will be ok.

[Anonymous]

Leo Tolstoy has a famous quote: "All happy families resemble one another, each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." I think it is very true. The thing is that unhappy and dysfunctional families have sooooo many issues and sooooo many problems that it would be impossible to solve in even one or two generations. It takes tremendous effort and focus to try to change the dynamic. That doesn't mean that one person can't break away and change themselves but it takes a lot of work if, indeed, the person even recognizes that there is a problem.

[Anonymous]

Well, actions speak louder than words, if you see commitment to love and honor as something fragile or disposable, that’s what you learn. Children of divorced parents are twice as likely to divorce, not only that but divorces of siblings and best friends are often a negative influence for other couples.

[Anonymous]

There are statistics that the children of divorced families are more likely to be divorced, so yes dysfunction in that respect is “hereditary”.

Other than that I think it comes down to self awareness. If an adult knows their family is dysfunctional and sets good boundaries/does the work to avoid enmeshment I think they have as good a chance as successful marriage as anyone else, perhaps better because self awareness is very good for other relationship issues as well.

[Anonymous]

I would say for sure! I am not very good at dealing with conflict and have a hard time expressing emotions sometimes. I chalk that up to bad role models aka my parents.

[Anonymous]

Divorce rate is higher in low income, low education and POC. It’s often connected with alcoholism, drug abuse, infidelity, mental health and domestic violence. Many of these factors are passed from one generation to the next one, it’s not just learned behavior, it can be genetic and circumstantial. Some people break the cycle, others keep repeating it.

[Anonymous]

Divorce rate isn’t just statistics, it’s indicative of dysfunctional relationships and families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Divorce rate is higher in low income, low education and POC. It’s often connected with alcoholism, drug abuse, infidelity, mental health and domestic violence. Many of these factors are passed from one generation to the next one, it’s not just learned behavior, it can be genetic and circumstantial. Some people break the cycle, others keep repeating it.

Reported the racist disinformation

[Anonymous]

Functional is more likely to produce functional, but dysfunctional doesn’t always spell doom. I came from a highly dysfunctional family and my brother married somebody who came from a highly dysfunctional family too. They both want more than anything else to break the cycle, and they’re doing great both in their relationship and in life generally.

[Anonymous]

Depends. DH and I are both from dysfunctional families. We do sometimes joke that it would be nice if at least one of us had a functional family to create a support system, only we’re not really kidding because wow it would be nice.

But I do think there is a benefit to us both understanding and commiserating with one another’s family situation. We never judge or resent the other so there’s a lot of acceptance in our marriage, which helps.

But the PP is right that you need a lot of self-awareness for this to work. The main thing I’d be wary of is if your SO’s family is dysfunctional but they are very defensive/protective of it and can’t willingly identify the dysfunction. This will basically make it impossible to address the ways the dysfunction impacts either of you. The reason my DH and I work is because we both see what is going on in our FoO, and know we don’t want to repeat those patterns in our own family. And that’s a conversation that started when we started dating, basically the first time we had a conflict. I asked him how his parents might have resolved an argument like that snd he got very serious and said “No, I don’t want to do this the way they would.” And we’ve been on our own path ever since.

[Anonymous]

Everyone’s family has some dysfunction. I also think the level of tolerance for the dysfunction decreases as you add more people and responsibilities (spouses, kids and jobs).