Struggling with the physical side of dating

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You're putting way too much thought into this. If you have to plan on how to break "the touch barrier" then either the person isn't right for you, or you're just not ready to date.

Exactly this! Why are you obsessing over this OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been OLD for the past 6 months or so, and have found the physical part of dating was at times awkward. For example, how am I supposed to show physical affection during a hike or trip to the museum? Haven’t even gotten farther than that. I think it’s because these guys are basically strangers and it honestly just feels weird to touch strangers. Any advice? One thing I’ve heard is to try to break the touch barrier early, because otherwise it will start to feel like the friend zone. If I have to make a first move, what should I do?

Are you not hugging hello or goodbye? It’s unusual that one of those doesn’t happen even on a first date. You’re probably giving off a vibe…

OP here. Yes, we are hugging hello and goodbye. Thus far, I’ve been on 6 dates with one guy who did make a first move (goodbye kisses, hand holding, sitting close to each other, etc.). He has covid right now, so obviously not going any farther for now. Prior to this, I had 3 guys get to 4 dates each without touching me at all beyond the goodbye hug. It just feels super awkward. I know I need to relax more…

It sounds like you and the other guys weren't that into each other, and that's okay, just move on. It sounds like things with current guy are progressing nicely, just let things happen naturally.

Also OP do you have anxiety? I ask because I do and before I started medication I would overthink stuff like this just something to consider.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been OLD for the past 6 months or so, and have found the physical part of dating was at times awkward. For example, how am I supposed to show physical affection during a hike or trip to the museum? Haven’t even gotten farther than that. I think it’s because these guys are basically strangers and it honestly just feels weird to touch strangers. Any advice? One thing I’ve heard is to try to break the touch barrier early, because otherwise it will start to feel like the friend zone. If I have to make a first move, what should I do?

Find a neglected youngest-born who was beat up by cruel older siblings behind parents' backs. Not a youngest born with an 13+ age gap with a normal/cool sib. Not one who owns how crappy a father/mother he had and would raise two kids differently. These guys are often found drinking heavily at bars with a few inches of padding to help with the bruising. Hug him. Bonus:youngest-born guys who married eldest-sisters have the lowest divorce rate of any birth order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been OLD for the past 6 months or so, and have found the physical part of dating was at times awkward. For example, how am I supposed to show physical affection during a hike or trip to the museum? Haven’t even gotten farther than that. I think it’s because these guys are basically strangers and it honestly just feels weird to touch strangers. Any advice? One thing I’ve heard is to try to break the touch barrier early, because otherwise it will start to feel like the friend zone. If I have to make a first move, what should I do?

Find a neglected youngest-born who was beat up by cruel older siblings behind parents' backs. Not a youngest born with an 13+ age gap with a normal/cool sib. Not one who owns how crappy a father/mother he had and would raise two kids differently. These guys are often found drinking heavily at bars with a few inches of padding to help with the bruising. Hug him. Bonus:youngest-born guys who married eldest-sisters have the lowest divorce rate of any birth order.

Curious — why this? So specific.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think it’s related to dating anxiety. I didn’t have this issue with my ex.

Take it easy on yourself, easier said than do I know, but don't start listening to those clowns who say you have to do XYZ or else. They aren't worth it. Just see dating as fun, and do what comes naturally to you. I suspect that when there's someone you are into the wanting to touch him will come and happen quite organically. I say this as someone who did the online dating there were those I didn't want to touch and those I was daydreaming about doing the deed with from date one and in between.

But what if I have no interest in “doing the deed” with anyone? I mean, is that the only thing there is to post-divorce dating?

A couple, things if you were previously into xes, I would step away from dating and possibly go into therapy to deal with whatever caused you to lose interest in it.

If you are confident you are firmly asexual then you need to put that in your dating profile.

Not OP, but: JFC.

It is not "asexual" to want to wait to have sex with someone you actually have gotten to know as a person.

It is not "losing interest in sex" to date to get to know a whole person, not just hunt for a sex partner as early in the dating as possible. Nor is it something to pathologize and turn into a reason for therapy.

Some people actually want sex and plenty of it, with the right person, whom they trust, not with someone they've seen for a few hours at time, a couple of times, on their best dating behavior.

It's so very DCUM to consider it asexual or a case for therapy if someone isn't into easy sex, early on. Before you leap in here to say, "But, but BUT the PP said 'What if I have no interest in doing the deed with anyone'! That means no sex at all so she's/he's asexual!" Uh, not necessarily. Whatever that PP means for her or himself, it's all too common on here for posters to insist that dating = sex, period. Dating used to be about getting to know people and then deciding if you wanted to have sex with one of those people -- not "if we date more than once, I expect sex, or there is something wrong with you."

[Anonymous]

Bottom line: therapy first, then considering dating or touching others, any level of anxiety = need therapy, don't sabotage yourself by going out into the dangerous world without therapy first, others will smell it and exploit it for sex or undesired commitment

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been OLD for the past 6 months or so, and have found the physical part of dating was at times awkward. For example, how am I supposed to show physical affection during a hike or trip to the museum? Haven’t even gotten farther than that. I think it’s because these guys are basically strangers and it honestly just feels weird to touch strangers. Any advice? One thing I’ve heard is to try to break the touch barrier early, because otherwise it will start to feel like the friend zone. If I have to make a first move, what should I do?

Find a neglected youngest-born who was beat up by cruel older siblings behind parents' backs. Not a youngest born with an 13+ age gap with a normal/cool sib. Not one who owns how crappy a father/mother he had and would raise two kids differently. These guys are often found drinking heavily at bars with a few inches of padding to help with the bruising. Hug him. Bonus:youngest-born guys who married eldest-sisters have the lowest divorce rate of any birth order.

Curious — why this? So specific.

Because not all youngest-borns are "affected by birth-order". You can't stereotype a good father who teaches his eldest to get along and subsequently have great relationships with zir roommates and significant others. Guys with trash dads who think they need to hide the fact they were beat up and abused and think they had father of the year need the affection/vices as "medicine".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think it’s related to dating anxiety. I didn’t have this issue with my ex.

Take it easy on yourself, easier said than do I know, but don't start listening to those clowns who say you have to do XYZ or else. They aren't worth it. Just see dating as fun, and do what comes naturally to you. I suspect that when there's someone you are into the wanting to touch him will come and happen quite organically. I say this as someone who did the online dating there were those I didn't want to touch and those I was daydreaming about doing the deed with from date one and in between.

But what if I have no interest in “doing the deed” with anyone? I mean, is that the only thing there is to post-divorce dating?

Middle-aged man here. If you have no interests in that side of it, you probably need therapy first. Most men are going to expect that as a normal part of a relationship. Not on the first date, but eventually.

I know it wasn’t OP who said this but if somebody doesn’t want to have sex and is okay with that, there is no need for therapy. You’re right that most people want sex as part of a relationship but pathologizing a lack of desire is my pet peeve.

[Anonymous]

Op, you could have some anxiety. Try to start with hand holding and some kissing and see if it goes to giving him head from that. That would open you up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think it’s related to dating anxiety. I didn’t have this issue with my ex.

Take it easy on yourself, easier said than do I know, but don't start listening to those clowns who say you have to do XYZ or else. They aren't worth it. Just see dating as fun, and do what comes naturally to you. I suspect that when there's someone you are into the wanting to touch him will come and happen quite organically. I say this as someone who did the online dating there were those I didn't want to touch and those I was daydreaming about doing the deed with from date one and in between.

But what if I have no interest in “doing the deed” with anyone? I mean, is that the only thing there is to post-divorce dating?

A couple, things if you were previously into xes, I would step away from dating and possibly go into therapy to deal with whatever caused you to lose interest in it.

If you are confident you are firmly asexual then you need to put that in your dating profile.

Not OP, but: JFC.

It is not "asexual" to want to wait to have sex with someone you actually have gotten to know as a person.

It is not "losing interest in sex" to date to get to know a whole person, not just hunt for a sex partner as early in the dating as possible. Nor is it something to pathologize and turn into a reason for therapy.

Some people actually want sex and plenty of it, with the right person, whom they trust, not with someone they've seen for a few hours at time, a couple of times, on their best dating behavior.

It's so very DCUM to consider it asexual or a case for therapy if someone isn't into easy sex, early on. Before you leap in here to say, "But, but BUT the PP said 'What if I have no interest in doing the deed with anyone'! That means no sex at all so she's/he's asexual!" Uh, not necessarily. Whatever that PP means for her or himself, it's all too common on here for posters to insist that dating = sex, period. Dating used to be about getting to know people and then deciding if you wanted to have sex with one of those people -- not "if we date more than once, I expect sex, or there is something wrong with you."

The bold should help you out. There are courses you can take to improve your reading comprehension. There's also therapy and meds to help control your angry outbursts. Look into both, and have a happy and healthy new year!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think it’s related to dating anxiety. I didn’t have this issue with my ex.

Take it easy on yourself, easier said than do I know, but don't start listening to those clowns who say you have to do XYZ or else. They aren't worth it. Just see dating as fun, and do what comes naturally to you. I suspect that when there's someone you are into the wanting to touch him will come and happen quite organically. I say this as someone who did the online dating there were those I didn't want to touch and those I was daydreaming about doing the deed with from date one and in between.

But what if I have no interest in “doing the deed” with anyone? I mean, is that the only thing there is to post-divorce dating?

Middle-aged man here. If you have no interests in that side of it, you probably need therapy first. Most men are going to expect that as a normal part of a relationship. Not on the first date, but eventually.

I know it wasn’t OP who said this but if somebody doesn’t want to have sex and is okay with that, there is no need for therapy. You’re right that most people want sex as part of a relationship but pathologizing a lack of desire is my pet peeve.

The vast majority of humans want sex. To go from wanting ex to not at ally generally suggests some underlying issue for which therapy might be helpful. If you have just suddenly realized you have been asexual all these years maybe not. Your freaking out on posters does suggest some issues that need addressing, confident people don't behave this way. LAshing out and decreased secualy desire are connected to mental health issues....

[Anonymous]

There is a book on body language you may want to read. It was written by J Demetrius, a well known jury consultant, but it may help you understand the nonverbal body language you are sending and what to do to change the message if you are coming across as too stand offish to your dates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a book on body language you may want to read. It was written by J Demetrius, a well known jury consultant, but it may help you understand the nonverbal body language you are sending and what to do to change the message if you are coming across as too stand offish to your dates.

I don't get the idea that OP is being too standoffish. I get the idea that OP has got it into her head she's supposed to be jumping the bones of every guy she goes out with. Seems like she's got a nice rhythm going with her current guy. You aren't going to have chemistry with every date, that's just facts. Better to let things happen naturally than forcing it.

Going a step further op is meeting these guys n dating apps, a downside of these apps is a false sense of chemistry when you're looking at pics, reading their profile, and texting back and forth, you can think there's more there than there is. When you meet up in person you realize the chemistry just isn't there, but you feel badly about it because you've spent all this time chatting pre-meet up and have your hopes up feel is though you've invested something. When you meet someone in person no apps you can tell early on if that chemistry is there and usually don't waste time going out on a date and thus you don't feel invested and wasting time.

Back to OP, it seems silly to say but se's got to relax and not build up these dates so much in her head let things flow naturally.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you could have some anxiety. Try to start with hand holding and some kissing and see if it goes to giving him head from that. That would open you up.

+100

[Anonymous]

If it isn't happening naturally, it's not the right person, imo.

My now-husband and I hugged when we met in person for the first time. It just felt natural.