Struggling with the physical side of dating

[Anonymous]

don’t feel obligated to touch or be affectionate with any of these men


if he makes you comfortable then you’ll open up


don’t force yourself to have to do or feel anything that’s not natural


and don’t you dare think it’s a “you” thing


these men are deserving of you being affectionate to them until they have showed that they are worth of such

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been OLD for the past 6 months or so, and have found the physical part of dating was at times awkward. For example, how am I supposed to show physical affection during a hike or trip to the museum? Haven’t even gotten farther than that. I think it’s because these guys are basically strangers and it honestly just feels weird to touch strangers. Any advice? One thing I’ve heard is to try to break the touch barrier early, because otherwise it will start to feel like the friend zone. If I have to make a first move, what should I do?

Are you not hugging hello or goodbye? It’s unusual that one of those doesn’t happen even on a first date. You’re probably giving off a vibe…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think it’s related to dating anxiety. I didn’t have this issue with my ex.

Take it easy on yourself, easier said than do I know, but don't start listening to those clowns who say you have to do XYZ or else. They aren't worth it. Just see dating as fun, and do what comes naturally to you. I suspect that when there's someone you are into the wanting to touch him will come and happen quite organically. I say this as someone who did the online dating there were those I didn't want to touch and those I was daydreaming about doing the deed with from date one and in between.

But what if I have no interest in “doing the deed” with anyone? I mean, is that the only thing there is to post-divorce dating?

Sounds like you’re not ready to date. Or you’re asexual

[Anonymous]

Go for drinks on the 2nd date. Drink a few glasses of alcohol and flirt and see what happens. If you feel it, they will probably be trying to make a move which you can lean into or avoid.

[Anonymous]

Are you talking about first dates or several weeks/months in?

I’m not flirtatious or physically affectionate until I get to know someone. That’s just how I am. Once I feel secure with a person, then I’m extremely affectionate, physical, and sexual. So I don’t think what you’re feeling is abnormal, I think it’s pretty common among women and is pretty important for keeping us safe.

If men are giving you a hard time, they’re not good men to waste your time on. My now-H was very understanding that I take things slow and never pressured me, he wanted me to be comfortable and enjoy it. Don’t compromise or make yourself do things you aren’t comfortable with.

And for gods sake, don’t listen to the advice to drink and then get it over with. That’s horrible. Touch should be something enjoyable and pleasurable, not something you need to drug yourself for or force yourself to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been OLD for the past 6 months or so, and have found the physical part of dating was at times awkward. For example, how am I supposed to show physical affection during a hike or trip to the museum? Haven’t even gotten farther than that. I think it’s because these guys are basically strangers and it honestly just feels weird to touch strangers. Any advice? One thing I’ve heard is to try to break the touch barrier early, because otherwise it will start to feel like the friend zone. If I have to make a first move, what should I do?

Are you not hugging hello or goodbye? It’s unusual that one of those doesn’t happen even on a first date. You’re probably giving off a vibe…

OP here. Yes, we are hugging hello and goodbye. Thus far, I’ve been on 6 dates with one guy who did make a first move (goodbye kisses, hand holding, sitting close to each other, etc.). He has covid right now, so obviously not going any farther for now. Prior to this, I had 3 guys get to 4 dates each without touching me at all beyond the goodbye hug. It just feels super awkward. I know I need to relax more…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that if you aren't making out by the end of the first date, the relationship probably isn't going to happen.

Doesn't seem like your relationships are going anywhere since you are still dating.

This is the exact type of idiocy op should ignore.

I've tried it both ways over many years. Getting physical early is more likely to lead to a long-term relationship.

[Anonymous]

I have found that if I am attracted to a guy I want to touch him. I mean like touch his hand or arm, sit close to him, stuff like that. If I don't feel that desire to touch him then there's little chance I will later on. For me that is a barometer as to whether I will continue to see him. Eventual physical intimacy would then happen if nothing he says or does in a few dates turns out to be a big no.

[Anonymous]

No offense OP - but why aren't you initiating at least a kiss by date 2 or 3. If you don't want to kiss them, that's fine but you shouldn't continue going on dates with men that aren't physically attractive to you. That's just leading them on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that if you aren't making out by the end of the first date, the relationship probably isn't going to happen.

Doesn't seem like your relationships are going anywhere since you are still dating.

This is the exact type of idiocy op should ignore.

I've tried it both ways over many years. Getting physical early is more likely to lead to a long-term relationship.

Absolutely- every one of my long term relationships we at least kissed by date 2

[Anonymous]

I’m 43 and have been with Dh since I was 24.

Back in the day when I used to date, I never made the first move. I hung out with a lot of guys. Some I naively thought were just friends. Others I knew were trying to date me so it was a date. You have physical chemistry with some but not all. Some guys would give you an awkward hug at the end of a date. Guys often may get close to you.

I dated one guy for 3 years and I was instantly attracted to him. We met, hung out with friends and the third time we hung out we had sex. We just had this physical attraction. Other guys I may have gone on many dates and when guys made a move, I didn’t feel anything.

[Anonymous]

Why do you have to make a first move?

The guy should or could make the first move.

[Anonymous]

You're putting way too much thought into this. If you have to plan on how to break "the touch barrier" then either the person isn't right for you, or you're just not ready to date.

[Anonymous]

Do you have a thing about touch being necessarily sexual?

I touch my girlfriends a lot. If I like someone I touch them. It doesn’t have to be sexual, it can be affectionate. However I have a friend who hates to be touched. Do you like being touched in non sexual contexts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find that if you aren't making out by the end of the first date, the relationship probably isn't going to happen.

Doesn't seem like your relationships are going anywhere since you are still dating.

This is the exact type of idiocy op should ignore.

I've tried it both ways over many years. Getting physical early is more likely to lead to a long-term relationship.

Absolutely- every one of my long term relationships we at least kissed by date 2

And yet both of you are currently single and those relationships didn't last.