Step Children V Children Gift giving for extended family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the core complaint is that you didn't give as much of grandma than that is rude and he should cut it out.

If the core complaint is that you gave more to your blood nieces and nephews than to the step nieces and nephews than you're in the wrong.

It is hard to tell from your post because the kid being step or not is irrelevant if he first scenario is true.

I see what you're saying, he's the first nephew/grandchild. His (blood)brother just turned 1, and got a lot of stuff babies get for 1 year olds so it's tough to compare. I don't remember giving the 1 year old anything substantial (finger paint, board books, etc.)

Yeah, I'm realizing I should of said something when it happened, so now if I stop gifting him and continue to gift his brother it will look horrible.

Dude, he's 10. 10 year olds can be rude. It is your (and your brother's) job as trusted adults in his life to teach him manners. Not to teach him that family will cut him off if he makes a misstep. I would tell your brother about it and ask him what he thinks and emphasize that you're not trying to treat them differently and have your brother talk to him.

But he's 10. So get over yourself and act like an adult who cares about him. Keep showing him that you care, but don't endorse his rudeness. It's not that complicated. The step designation here is irrelevant. A 10 year old was rude, that should be addressed. That is the conflict. Step/bio/whatever, the conclusion here is the same no matter what.

As a parent, its on the parents. There would be serious consequences if my 10 year old said that. And, they know better.

[Anonymous]

I don't think this has anything to do with being step-anything, it has to do with the kid being rude.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That kid is a brat.
Yes, they are treated equally.

He’s 10. I would cut him a little slack.

OP, steps and bios get the same amount from everyone in our family. We don’t differentiate in any way.

[Anonymous]

I don’t give anyone anything and expect nothing from anyone. For context, I’m DH’s second wife and we don’t get each other gifts. If we need something for the house, I’ll spend my Amazon points and that’s it. I rather get no gifts than an obviously re-gifted gift like the one his son mailed last year ( it was meant for the both of us but it was obviously not thoughtful). If anyone dares ask, I tell them we are minimalists and against hyperconsumerism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't think this has anything to do with being step-anything, it has to do with the kid being rude.

In my culture, that kid would get a beating for having no manners. American kids boggle my mind.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Steps are not related to you. Let their family members send them gifts (or not).

Exactly, don't step-kids sometimes come out way ahead, because of having more family to dote on them?

Yes, they do, and it can be overwhelming to the step. It really sort of takes some of the fun out of it for the kid, or at least that is what I saw in my own stepson. He would get stuff from a whopping 3 sets of grandparents and two sets of parents, not to mention aunts and uncles. I tried to explain this to my parents, but they insisted on getting him stuff. I always insisted that when he was with us at my family's celebration, it was my and my husband's responsibility to provide something for him to unwrap. They never listened to me. It helped when he started spending Christmas with his mom, and then he grew up and it wasn't an issue any more.

I don't love the idea of forcing a relationship between steps and grandparents. My stepson is unlikely to have an ongoing relationship with my parents; in fact, he doesn't. And that's okay; he has perfectly lovely grandparents of his own. I know plenty of families do it differently, and that's fine, but it's not important to everyone.

What a weird reaction. There is nothing wrong with stepgrandparents giving their steps gifts. And was your stepson the only kid there? If not, did you expect the grandparents to give presents to the other kids and not the stepson? That’s terrible.

Exactly. As a bonus mom I do not understand this at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Steps are not related to you. Let their family members send them gifts (or not).

Exactly. The bios gives them presents. OP presents to your own family and kids.

Sicko. If you are a step parent then that kid is family.

[Anonymous]

Bio, step, adopted, foster, alien visitor from mars, all children opening gifts together at an event get largely similar gifts. They can’t help comparing, and they can’t help measuring love that way. We make that happen in our family by coordinating a lot beforehand, and the end of major gift opening is usually by 14 or so.

[Anonymous]

I don’t totally understand how everyone is related but I’ll say:

- I don’t handle H’s side of the family when it comes to cards/gifts/birthdays/Christmas/whatever. Saves a ton of drama and my own time and sanity.

- No one in my family gets gifts for my step kids (H’s kids). No one in H’s family gets gifts for my kids (so H’s step kids).

- H and I have a kid together and inequity hasn’t been a problem since our kids from previous marriage also have tons of extended family that gives them gifts. But if it were, we would take it on ourselves to even things out rather than expect our extended families to.

- I stay out of H’s family drama and he stays out of mine. If a kid said this to me, I’d laugh, file it under “kids say the darndest things”, and move on with my life. If kid’s parents had an issue with our gift, I’d let H handle it. Not my business.

[Anonymous]

I would be mortified if my 11 yo said this. It's not cute, or the darnedest thing. If the gift giver wanted to make a donation in his name the next time and tell him about it, I'd be fine with that. Or give him nothing, because frankly, that's what he would deserve and we'd talk about learning to be grateful. I'm wondering in what context this was even said? Did he write a thank you note? Call you on the phone? A text?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be mortified if my 11 yo said this. It's not cute, or the darnedest thing. If the gift giver wanted to make a donation in his name the next time and tell him about it, I'd be fine with that. Or give him nothing, because frankly, that's what he would deserve and we'd talk about learning to be grateful. I'm wondering in what context this was even said? Did he write a thank you note? Call you on the phone? A text?

m

He called and DH responded, ‘Oh well that’s cool she gave you $100 bucks!’

DH didn’t say anything about it until I asked about it later on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t totally understand how everyone is related but I’ll say:

- I don’t handle H’s side of the family when it comes to cards/gifts/birthdays/Christmas/whatever. Saves a ton of drama and my own time and sanity.

- No one in my family gets gifts for my step kids (H’s kids). No one in H’s family gets gifts for my kids (so H’s step kids).

- H and I have a kid together and inequity hasn’t been a problem since our kids from previous marriage also have tons of extended family that gives them gifts. But if it were, we would take it on ourselves to even things out rather than expect our extended families to.

- I stay out of H’s family drama and he stays out of mine. If a kid said this to me, I’d laugh, file it under “kids say the darndest things”, and move on with my life. If kid’s parents had an issue with our gift, I’d let H handle it. Not my business.

This is how DH thought of it, until I told him it was a bit rude.

[Anonymous]

I think there are 3 separate issues here:

1. I think there are lots of ways to join a family. Whether you’re part of a family by birth, or brought in by a family member via marriage (spouse/step), or fostering/adoption, you are a fully-fledged family member.

2. While I don’t think there are levels of family membership, I do think there are degrees of relationship. So, for example, while I think parents should treat children, step-children etc., fairly (not necessarily equally - bean counting is a terrible idea), and grandparents should treat all their grandkids (natural, step, fostered, adopted, etc., fairly, and aunts and uncles shouldn’t discriminate between their nieces and nephews, I would expect a difference between how a parent, grandparent, and aunt/uncle would treat the same child.

3. Completely aside from familial relationships, it is common courtesy to be gracious when given a gift. It is rude for a recipient to compare one giver’s gift to another’s, and even worse to suggest a giver should have given more. There aren’t gift quotas for a relationship. Maybe somebody has limited finances, or is feeling generous because they just got a big bonus, or values things differently, and feels a homemade gift is more meaningful than an expensive one, or isn’t big on gifts, but spends lots of time with someone instead. The child was rude, but it has nothing to do with being a step.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t totally understand how everyone is related but I’ll say:

- I don’t handle H’s side of the family when it comes to cards/gifts/birthdays/Christmas/whatever. Saves a ton of drama and my own time and sanity.

- No one in my family gets gifts for my step kids (H’s kids). No one in H’s family gets gifts for my kids (so H’s step kids).

- H and I have a kid together and inequity hasn’t been a problem since our kids from previous marriage also have tons of extended family that gives them gifts. But if it were, we would take it on ourselves to even things out rather than expect our extended families to.

- I stay out of H’s family drama and he stays out of mine. If a kid said this to me, I’d laugh, file it under “kids say the darndest things”, and move on with my life. If kid’s parents had an issue with our gift, I’d let H handle it. Not my business.

This is how DH thought of it, until I told him it was a bit rude.

Eh. Kids say rude things, especially at 10/11. They have strong opinions and are less shy than little kids, but haven’t yet developed the ability to filter. My 10yp stepdaughter spend thanksgiving comparing and contrasting me with her mom, ending in “you two are so much alike and would be great friends! Dad must really have a Type!” I just about died laughing.

I think you should be the adult and not punish him. Continue giving whatever gifts you want, and if he’s still being rude once he hits his teens, then say something or stop giving gifts.

[Anonymous]

As a step kid, the risk of a kid feeling like they aren't a part of a family is worse than a kid getting spoiled on christmas. You're right, you get a lot of stuff, but you are also VERY attuned to relationships and who thinks of you as 'family' and so honestly as a step kid you remember the snubs way more than the gifts, because the snubs MEAN something. Giving to the steps makes them feel secure, like they belong. That is the gift you're giving.



Completely agree