Step Children V Children Gift giving for extended family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Steps are not related to you. Let their family members send them gifts (or not).

Exactly, don't step-kids sometimes come out way ahead, because of having more family to dote on them?

Yes, they do, and it can be overwhelming to the step. It really sort of takes some of the fun out of it for the kid, or at least that is what I saw in my own stepson. He would get stuff from a whopping 3 sets of grandparents and two sets of parents, not to mention aunts and uncles. I tried to explain this to my parents, but they insisted on getting him stuff. I always insisted that when he was with us at my family's celebration, it was my and my husband's responsibility to provide something for him to unwrap. They never listened to me. It helped when he started spending Christmas with his mom, and then he grew up and it wasn't an issue any more.

I don't love the idea of forcing a relationship between steps and grandparents. My stepson is unlikely to have an ongoing relationship with my parents; in fact, he doesn't. And that's okay; he has perfectly lovely grandparents of his own. I know plenty of families do it differently, and that's fine, but it's not important to everyone.

What a weird reaction. There is nothing wrong with stepgrandparents giving their steps gifts. And was your stepson the only kid there? If not, did you expect the grandparents to give presents to the other kids and not the stepson? That’s terrible.

Its primarily the overwhelming number of gifts. No kid can appreciate that many gifts when they have 3+ sets of grandparents, and +10 aunts/uncles. The kid ends up getting a bunch of kids from extended step-family who don't have any idea what he would like. Parents can have a legitimate interest in discouraging step-grandparents from lavishing gifts on their step-grandkids when those kids end up having five or six Christmases. I don't question how it works in different families; to each his own. But there is not one definite right answer that fits every family situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Step-grandma? Does that mean your mom sent him more???

Honestly, I would be inclined to stop all gifts after a bratty response like that.

This. Step or bio I'd hesitate to give that brat a gift again.

[Anonymous]

Anyone who told me my gift was too cheap would never see another present from me ever.

[Anonymous]

That child wouldn’t receive a gift from me going forward. Ten is old enough to know that is an unacceptable response.

[Anonymous]

I would treat this step child the same as I would a bio child: I would let him know that his response was not appropriate.

I think you’re getting stuck on the wrong issue, it’s not about step versus bio it’s about entitled versus gracious.

[Anonymous]

Grandparents send more than aunts and uncles.
The kid’s manners are horrible.
If you are close as a family, then step or not step shouldn’t make a difference.

[Anonymous]

Generally it's better to be generous and equal. As a stepkid, actually you get the shaft compared to your contemporaries, half siblings or stepsiblings, especially with extended family of vastly different wealth levels.

However, 10 is not too young for you to tell him verbally that he was rude and ungrateful and that there are consequences for that.

It's an awkward age where he might be trying to express that he doesn't feel accepted or valued or secure in his place in your family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Steps are not related to you. Let their family members send them gifts (or not).

Exactly. The bios gives them presents. OP presents to your own family and kids.

[Anonymous]

If the core complaint is that you didn't give as much of grandma than that is rude and he should cut it out.

If the core complaint is that you gave more to your blood nieces and nephews than to the step nieces and nephews than you're in the wrong.

It is hard to tell from your post because the kid being step or not is irrelevant if he first scenario is true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Steps are not related to you. Let their family members send them gifts (or not).

Exactly, don't step-kids sometimes come out way ahead, because of having more family to dote on them?

Yes, they do, and it can be overwhelming to the step. It really sort of takes some of the fun out of it for the kid, or at least that is what I saw in my own stepson. He would get stuff from a whopping 3 sets of grandparents and two sets of parents, not to mention aunts and uncles. I tried to explain this to my parents, but they insisted on getting him stuff. I always insisted that when he was with us at my family's celebration, it was my and my husband's responsibility to provide something for him to unwrap. They never listened to me. It helped when he started spending Christmas with his mom, and then he grew up and it wasn't an issue any more.

I don't love the idea of forcing a relationship between steps and grandparents. My stepson is unlikely to have an ongoing relationship with my parents; in fact, he doesn't. And that's okay; he has perfectly lovely grandparents of his own. I know plenty of families do it differently, and that's fine, but it's not important to everyone.

What a weird reaction. There is nothing wrong with stepgrandparents giving their steps gifts. And was your stepson the only kid there? If not, did you expect the grandparents to give presents to the other kids and not the stepson? That’s terrible.

Its primarily the overwhelming number of gifts. No kid can appreciate that many gifts when they have 3+ sets of grandparents, and +10 aunts/uncles. The kid ends up getting a bunch of kids from extended step-family who don't have any idea what he would like. Parents can have a legitimate interest in discouraging step-grandparents from lavishing gifts on their step-grandkids when those kids end up having five or six Christmases. I don't question how it works in different families; to each his own. But there is not one definite right answer that fits every family situation.

As a step kid, the risk of a kid feeling like they aren't a part of a family is worse than a kid getting spoiled on christmas. You're right, you get a lot of stuff, but you are also VERY attuned to relationships and who thinks of you as 'family' and so honestly as a step kid you remember the snubs way more than the gifts, because the snubs MEAN something. Giving to the steps makes them feel secure, like they belong. That is the gift you're giving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step-grandma? Does that mean your mom sent him more???

Honestly, I would be inclined to stop all gifts after a bratty response like that.

Yes DH mom sent the $100, we sent $35. Which I thought was enough for a 10y/o.

He’s normally a great kid, this did catch me off guard.

^^^ But this is not really relevant to your question in the title. If you send your brother's kid $50, and your brother's step-kid $35, that would be the comparison. I don't have any step-kids in my family but I can tell you that my parents and my in-laws always spend more on their grandkids than we do on our nieces/nephews! I think if any of ours siblings did have step kids, we would probably spend the same amount on all of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the core complaint is that you didn't give as much of grandma than that is rude and he should cut it out.

If the core complaint is that you gave more to your blood nieces and nephews than to the step nieces and nephews than you're in the wrong.

It is hard to tell from your post because the kid being step or not is irrelevant if he first scenario is true.

I see what you're saying, he's the first nephew/grandchild. His (blood)brother just turned 1, and got a lot of stuff babies get for 1 year olds so it's tough to compare. I don't remember giving the 1 year old anything substantial (finger paint, board books, etc.)

Yeah, I'm realizing I should of said something when it happened, so now if I stop gifting him and continue to gift his brother it will look horrible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Step-grandma? Does that mean your mom sent him more???

Honestly, I would be inclined to stop all gifts after a bratty response like that.

Yes DH mom sent the $100, we sent $35. Which I thought was enough for a 10y/o.

He’s normally a great kid, this did catch me off guard.

^^^ But this is not really relevant to your question in the title. If you send your brother's kid $50, and your brother's step-kid $35, that would be the comparison. I don't have any step-kids in my family but I can tell you that my parents and my in-laws always spend more on their grandkids than we do on our nieces/nephews! I think if any of ours siblings did have step kids, we would probably spend the same amount on all of them.

It's relevant to the statement he made, and pp asked a question.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If the core complaint is that you didn't give as much of grandma than that is rude and he should cut it out.

If the core complaint is that you gave more to your blood nieces and nephews than to the step nieces and nephews than you're in the wrong.

It is hard to tell from your post because the kid being step or not is irrelevant if he first scenario is true.

I see what you're saying, he's the first nephew/grandchild. His (blood)brother just turned 1, and got a lot of stuff babies get for 1 year olds so it's tough to compare. I don't remember giving the 1 year old anything substantial (finger paint, board books, etc.)

Yeah, I'm realizing I should of said something when it happened, so now if I stop gifting him and continue to gift his brother it will look horrible.

Dude, he's 10. 10 year olds can be rude. It is your (and your brother's) job as trusted adults in his life to teach him manners. Not to teach him that family will cut him off if he makes a misstep. I would tell your brother about it and ask him what he thinks and emphasize that you're not trying to treat them differently and have your brother talk to him.

But he's 10. So get over yourself and act like an adult who cares about him. Keep showing him that you care, but don't endorse his rudeness. It's not that complicated. The step designation here is irrelevant. A 10 year old was rude, that should be addressed. That is the conflict. Step/bio/whatever, the conclusion here is the same no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Steps are not related to you. Let their family members send them gifts (or not).

Exactly, don't step-kids sometimes come out way ahead, because of having more family to dote on them?

Yes, they do, and it can be overwhelming to the step. It really sort of takes some of the fun out of it for the kid, or at least that is what I saw in my own stepson. He would get stuff from a whopping 3 sets of grandparents and two sets of parents, not to mention aunts and uncles. I tried to explain this to my parents, but they insisted on getting him stuff. I always insisted that when he was with us at my family's celebration, it was my and my husband's responsibility to provide something for him to unwrap. They never listened to me. It helped when he started spending Christmas with his mom, and then he grew up and it wasn't an issue any more.

I don't love the idea of forcing a relationship between steps and grandparents. My stepson is unlikely to have an ongoing relationship with my parents; in fact, he doesn't. And that's okay; he has perfectly lovely grandparents of his own. I know plenty of families do it differently, and that's fine, but it's not important to everyone.

What a weird reaction. There is nothing wrong with stepgrandparents giving their steps gifts. And was your stepson the only kid there? If not, did you expect the grandparents to give presents to the other kids and not the stepson? That’s terrible.

Its primarily the overwhelming number of gifts. No kid can appreciate that many gifts when they have 3+ sets of grandparents, and +10 aunts/uncles. The kid ends up getting a bunch of kids from extended step-family who don't have any idea what he would like. Parents can have a legitimate interest in discouraging step-grandparents from lavishing gifts on their step-grandkids when those kids end up having five or six Christmases. I don't question how it works in different families; to each his own. But there is not one definite right answer that fits every family situation.

This is absurd and if your kids get that many gifts, cut back on what you buy.