Job offer overseas vs 50% child custody

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies - they came so quick!
Appreciate it.
Many times he said he did not care if i left with kids and went after overseas career but I am a bit nervous he may back out once things get real.
Thanks for helping me learn about how this works. Don’t know - somehow I like it here more than googling.

but how do your kids feel about this? their opinion is just as important as his.

They hate the idea…
But I was hoping to talk them into it or bribe them… I mean - no kid likes a change. This would be academically good for them…

Going to a foreign country would be very hard academically and they’d lose their father.

Father doesn’t do much and doesn’t even like when he had to babysit his own kids from time to time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for all the replies - they came so quick!
Appreciate it.
Many times he said he did not care if i left with kids and went after overseas career but I am a bit nervous he may back out once things get real.
Thanks for helping me learn about how this works. Don’t know - somehow I like it here more than googling.

but how do your kids feel about this? their opinion is just as important as his.

They hate the idea…
But I was hoping to talk them into it or bribe them… I mean - no kid likes a change. This would be academically good for them…

Why do you think this would be good for them academically? How old are they?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grateful if someone has an answer to the following.
Suppose I’m divorced with 50% custody of children.
Does that mean I’m forever tied to the location job-wise where my husband is also located?
That is, I can’t accept overseas job offers as that would effectively prevent his 50% custody?

My neighbor is in foreign service at State department and she and her ex worked out a schedule during the years she was overseas. Some years her son was with her and spent summer/vacation with Dad and some years son stayed stateside with Dad and spent summer/vacation with her. It changed as his age changed and what he wanted. Once he was in HS he stayed stateside for schooling.

If you can’t come to agreement, then yes you can’t leave the area, let alone the country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grateful if someone has an answer to the following.
Suppose I’m divorced with 50% custody of children.
Does that mean I’m forever tied to the location job-wise where my husband is also located?
That is, I can’t accept overseas job offers as that would effectively prevent his 50% custody?

It wouldn't prevent his 50% custody, it would prevent *your* 50% custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can go to court and fight for full custody but that would be pretty terrible for him and the kids. Or, just leave the kids with him and take the job. You can have visits on holidays and summers.

Sounds like I have to persuade him to let me go…

You can go if you want to. You do the right thing and leave the kids with him. Problem solved.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grateful if someone has an answer to the following.
Suppose I’m divorced with 50% custody of children.
Does that mean I’m forever tied to the location job-wise where my husband is also located?
That is, I can’t accept overseas job offers as that would effectively prevent his 50% custody?

It wouldn't prevent his 50% custody, it would prevent *your* 50% custody.

THIS.

[Anonymous]

Yeah. You’re stuck. You can’t take the job or get back your autonomy no matter what you do, and he can make your life and your kids’ lives hell if you try. It’s not any better if you are divorced.

You might as well just stay married, spend most of your time out of the house with the kids, and keep all of the social and financial perks of marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Grateful if someone has an answer to the following.
Suppose I’m divorced with 50% custody of children.
Does that mean I’m forever tied to the location job-wise where my husband is also located?
That is, I can’t accept overseas job offers as that would effectively prevent his 50% custody?

Are you serious? No, you cannot have 50% custody if you're overseas. How would that even work? You want your kids to be at two different schools? You want your kids to be 50% in the USA and 50% in another country? Wow, you sound BEYOND selfish.

Judges will ALWAYS side with the betterment of the children. If you want to see your kids, you need to stay WITHIN their school borders.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grateful if someone has an answer to the following.
Suppose I’m divorced with 50% custody of children.
Does that mean I’m forever tied to the location job-wise where my husband is also located?
That is, I can’t accept overseas job offers as that would effectively prevent his 50% custody?

Neither of you can move. Unless you are willing to give up a lot of custody, or the way it is scheduled is drastically rearranged (which also sucks for the kids). It has to do with where the children's lives are based and how established they are at this point in their community and location. How old are your kids? I'm assuming they are not babies/toddlers and they are in school? Would they want to be uprooted to go live overseas? I'm assuming no.

Having a judge approve a relocation that includes taking the kids with you in a divorce/split custody situation is not common. The bar is very high to prove how/why that would be beneficial to the children. You also have to show that you absolutely cannot find other suitable employment where you currently live.

You can accept overseas job offers without ramifications when your children are grown and living on their own.

No, you do not have to prove there’s no suitable employment offers in the present locale. What the heck….

You talk it out and paper it up Op. mature adults can do that . If he wants to be controlling and a jerk he will be. If he thinks he’s a fantastic care giver, teacher, coach and parent, he’ll have tons of examples and pitch for more custody. Or you can.

You can go to custody court any time and as many times as you wish.

You think a divorced parent is "controlling and a jerk" if they don't acquiesce to their spouse moving overseas with the kids, so the kids only see the other parent very infrequently?

That's . . . well, that's something. Tell me, have you been formally diagnosed as a narcissist, or is your doctor still mulling it over?

[Anonymous]

Unless you literally cannot put food on the table, there is no job on the planet more important than you and your ex-husband BOTH having strong relationships with your kids, and you doing absolutely anything to impede that makes you a bad parent. Your feelings on how good of a parent your ex is is not relevant here.

--Child of divorce, 50/50 custody, whose stepfather had to commute NY to DC for a year for work (he went Monday morning, worked 10 hour days, came home Thursday night) when he got transferred but did it anyway because the kids come first. And technically we aren't even his kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grateful if someone has an answer to the following.
Suppose I’m divorced with 50% custody of children.
Does that mean I’m forever tied to the location job-wise where my husband is also located?
That is, I can’t accept overseas job offers as that would effectively prevent his 50% custody?

My neighbor is in foreign service at State department and she and her ex worked out a schedule during the years she was overseas. Some years her son was with her and spent summer/vacation with Dad and some years son stayed stateside with Dad and spent summer/vacation with her. It changed as his age changed and what he wanted. Once he was in HS he stayed stateside for schooling.

If you can’t come to agreement, then yes you can’t leave the area, let alone the country.

Being in foreign service at the State Dept is a completely different situation. And it also sounds like your neighbor had established her career in the foreign service prior to divorce. That's a whole different ball o' wax.

OP is not in the foreign service.

Your last sentence is correct though. OP can try to litigate this in court, but it is very highly unlikely that she would be successful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grateful if someone has an answer to the following.
Suppose I’m divorced with 50% custody of children.
Does that mean I’m forever tied to the location job-wise where my husband is also located?
That is, I can’t accept overseas job offers as that would effectively prevent his 50% custody?

You’d have to renegotiate things. Perhaps you’d take the kids and he would have summers or other breaks. Or vice versa. Or you find a different job entirely.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grateful if someone has an answer to the following.
Suppose I’m divorced with 50% custody of children.
Does that mean I’m forever tied to the location job-wise where my husband is also located?
That is, I can’t accept overseas job offers as that would effectively prevent his 50% custody?

My neighbor is in foreign service at State department and she and her ex worked out a schedule during the years she was overseas. Some years her son was with her and spent summer/vacation with Dad and some years son stayed stateside with Dad and spent summer/vacation with her. It changed as his age changed and what he wanted. Once he was in HS he stayed stateside for schooling.

If you can’t come to agreement, then yes you can’t leave the area, let alone the country.

Being in foreign service at the State Dept is a completely different situation. And it also sounds like your neighbor had established her career in the foreign service prior to divorce. That's a whole different ball o' wax.

OP is not in the foreign service.

Your last sentence is correct though. OP can try to litigate this in court, but it is very highly unlikely that she would be successful.

Of course it could be different, but she did not start at State Department until after the divorce. It was about 5 years after and the child was 5.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grateful if someone has an answer to the following.
Suppose I’m divorced with 50% custody of children.
Does that mean I’m forever tied to the location job-wise where my husband is also located?
That is, I can’t accept overseas job offers as that would effectively prevent his 50% custody?

Neither of you can move. Unless you are willing to give up a lot of custody, or the way it is scheduled is drastically rearranged (which also sucks for the kids). It has to do with where the children's lives are based and how established they are at this point in their community and location. How old are your kids? I'm assuming they are not babies/toddlers and they are in school? Would they want to be uprooted to go live overseas? I'm assuming no.

Having a judge approve a relocation that includes taking the kids with you in a divorce/split custody situation is not common. The bar is very high to prove how/why that would be beneficial to the children. You also have to show that you absolutely cannot find other suitable employment where you currently live.

You can accept overseas job offers without ramifications when your children are grown and living on their own.

No, you do not have to prove there’s no suitable employment offers in the present locale. What the heck….

You talk it out and paper it up Op. mature adults can do that . If he wants to be controlling and a jerk he will be. If he thinks he’s a fantastic care giver, teacher, coach and parent, he’ll have tons of examples and pitch for more custody. Or you can.

You can go to custody court any time and as many times as you wish.

You think a divorced parent is "controlling and a jerk" if they don't acquiesce to their spouse moving overseas with the kids, so the kids only see the other parent very infrequently?

That's . . . well, that's something. Tell me, have you been formally diagnosed as a narcissist, or is your doctor still mulling it over?

DP. I have to agree with the poster above you. OP’s husband doesn’t take care of the children right now. But at the same time, he won’t let her take a job overseas and tasks the kids with her.
She is wondering if they divorce: Will he still be able prevent her from taking this job and moving the kids overseas?
Answer: If he’s a great dad, then yes. If he’s a controlling asshole, then yes. If he is mature enough to recognize that he isn’t a great parent, and the kids are better off with their mother, then you can work it out.

Honestly, OP, you are better off staying married.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Unless you literally cannot put food on the table, there is no job on the planet more important than you and your ex-husband BOTH having strong relationships with your kids, and you doing absolutely anything to impede that makes you a bad parent. Your feelings on how good of a parent your ex is is not relevant here.

--Child of divorce, 50/50 custody, whose stepfather had to commute NY to DC for a year for work (he went Monday morning, worked 10 hour days, came home Thursday night) when he got transferred but did it anyway because the kids come first. And technically we aren't even his kids.

I bet that your mom made a effort to make sure that he couldn’t wait to get home on Thursday night .