Reply to 35 year old brother snaps at mom "I've hated you since I was 13"

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Reply to "35 year old brother snaps at mom "I've hated you since I was 13""

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Your brother revealed some startling information and your response is to gaslight him -- his reality could not exist because it did not happen to YOU too.  Your second impulse is to shame him because your mother is 70 years old and should not have to deal with peoples' anger.

Both of your reactions are really off base here, which leads me to suspect that your brother has triggered some deep feelings in you that you are desperate to suppress.  What happened in your family growing up?  Why is it forbidden to express anger to your parents?

[/quote]

I agree.  OP, I don't mean this meanly, but it seems like your overarching need here is to control interpersonal reactions between two other people, which "could" possibly mean you are codependent on your mother.  I might explore that a little more in therapy.

I haven't liked my mother since I was 11.   I wouldn't blow up at her, but stuff that happened in my tween years definitely caused trauma.   And sometimes that comes to the surface.    The last thing I will put out there is grandparents on both sides were alcoholics and my parents grew up in that mess.

I mention the next part only to show that very unhealthy things can be going on in your nuclear family dynamic that you might be unaware of:  One of my old therapists told me my nuclear family was playing out roles of an alcoholic family, even though neither of my parents drank.  It's just how they learned to interact with family members, and they passed that down to our generation.

If you can't deal with your brother's behavior (and you don't have to), put up appropriate boundaries on how or even if you interact with him.  And stick to them.   But trying to "fix" his behavior is a no-win situation.  [/quote]

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