Reply to Take them or leave them - brutally honest description of your spouse

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]We all want different things in life. describe your spouse. Comment if you’d be “in” or “out” for the other spouses described here.

Mine:
Works hard, but can’t delegate, isn’t a high earner (&lt;100k at 50)
Poor boundaries 
Enjoys the good things in life (music, art, culture) - good taste
Great sense of humor, dedicated friend - is there when it counts. Makes time for those who count. 
Affectionate, loves to give and receive attention 
(High sex drive. great at oral sex)
But needs a lot of attention 
Moody and erratic
Pedantic, micromanaging, anxious about household cleaning - [b]gets angry if you don’t do things the “right way”[/b]
Time blindness - always late, no ability to long term plan
[b]Mean when angry - speaks in cutting tone, will insult you personally[/b] 
Can’t save money. Living paycheck to paycheck. Finances all on you.[/quote]

I was in until I reached these lines. Out. Unless it only happens once every 10 years, can’t live with meanness. [/quote]

NP. Meanness, cutting tone, insults-- also grabbed my attention as a no-go. But also can be worked on if the person is self-aware enough and able to be objective enough to see there is a problem and accept help working on it.

On the bald face of it, merely the description above is nowhere near enough to divorce or tell someone else to divorce. What has the couple done AS a couple to be frank about this, for the OP to be blunt and honest that it's happening and harms the marriage, and for the DH to accept that and commit to working on it? Preferably with outside, third party help.

Living paycheck to paycheck and a "finances all on you" attitude is even more toxic in some marriages. I am NOT giving anyone a pass on meanness, before DCUM leaps down my throat. I'm saying it can be worked on but only if it is acknowledged with crystal clearness by the OP it's a problem (not merely in the heat of the moment but with cold clarity at a later, calm time) and if the DH accepts it's wrong to behave that way AND alters it.

The financial thing is not necessarily a bigger deal than meanness but it eats away at a marriage more insidiously, more quietly, over a longer time. And builds resentments that fester, and puts the couple in a horrible situation when retirement time approaches. Imagine all those years of resentment about the finances coming to a head just as you are both old enough you could retire and enjoy the positives of each other's company. Financial adviser, stat. If you have a regular bank, banks often provide free financial consulting and budgeting help to customers. The DH would have to accept though that he has a problem and needs to save, and can't just slough it all off onto the wife. [/quote]

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