How to Tell Mother I Just Don't Want To Be Close

[Anonymous]

i have anxiety just reading this thread

op, therapy and books about boundaries for you!

[Anonymous]

Op you say she is enmeshed with her parents so this is what she knows. She says she only wants to be around family because this is what she was taught growing up so that she was enmeshed with her parents. Sad thing is it worked on her.

She hasn't been able to help herself and needs therapy or needs to first understand something is wrong but I doubt she'll get there.

Its not your job or responsibility to help her see this. You need to help yourself. I would not argue with her.

If she wants to get together just tell her that there are women's groups local that would be great for her. If she wants to see you tell her you can on xyz day otherwise you are busy. If she complains simply ignore.

I wouldn't expect her to stop though. If that is what you are after, something that will make her stop and fix this, there isn't. Its up to your mom to decide to go out and make friends or fill her time in with things she enjoys. You can't make her get it.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry. This would be so stressful!

Personally, I’d sit down one evening with a glass of wine (alone) and spend it online researching & making a list of ideas for her with addresses and phone numbers. Exercise classes, meet up groups, clubs, religious centers, etc and dig deep. How about volunteer work? Look into those as well. Print everything out and give her the list. If it is classes or something costly that she can’t afford and you can, add a gift card for that item.

Present it to your mother. Sometimes people just need a kick in the pants and a little push.

Then every time she complains, steer her back to the list. Reward good behavior (want to meet for coffee and you can tell me about your new water aerobics class?) or whatever. Show interest in that and ignore her complaining/

I’m not without sympathy for her (and I know you are not either) but you can only point her in the right direction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your mom needs therapy. It’s not that you do not want to be close, you don’t want to be co-dependent.
She needs therapy. Poor thing.

OP here. It is actually really difficult to find a good therapist who accepts insurance. She's very reluctant, too. One time, a couple years ago, I finally convinced her to go and the therapist wasn't helpful at all. It was some girl straight out of school, we did a few joint sessions that ended with my mom screaming and crying. Then my mom saw the therapist on her own for a few months, then said it was useless and stopped.

I've been searching for a good therapist for myself and have not found anyone who accepts insurance. It's all like $250/hour or shit quality.

Yep. Most therapists don’t take insurance. Do what you can to budget for it for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Was her involvement with her parents the reason why her marriage is not healthy?

[Anonymous]

I think your mom is borderline OP. Mine is too and before I cut her off, would beg me to return to my home country to take care of her. I haven’t spoken or visited mine in three years and plans to regain contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's situation may be different, but, for everyone asking, how do you feel about the possibility that your own children won't be interested in seeing you more than a few times a year in the future? I definitely wish I lived closer to my mother, and could have a once a week lunch, etc.

+1

Just wait until the shoe is on the other foot. Imagine your young adult kids silencing your texts and calls, and telling you that they are too busy with their lives and so seeing you once a month is enough for them1 yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have a job? What does she do with her time?

She works on and off - she's been laid off or quit several times (office work for random small companies). She is an immigrant so it's really hard for her to get work because of language barrier, and the usual unskilled immigrant jobs like cleaning, retail, etc, that she did when she was younger are too difficult physically. She's not working now and I think she just helps my grandparents, does housework, cooking, etc, reads, takes walks, and feels lonely.

Is there any local community for the country she came from? A church perhaps? It makes sense that she’s lonely if she doesn’t have friends who can speak in her native language. I don’t think therapy is the answer, friends are.

OP. Yes!!! There is a large local community from our country - church, women’s social group that she was literally invited to join, and more. She won’t do it!! She was brought up spending time only with family, taught that family is most important, and has trouble connecting to others. She has a million reasons why the other people she meets are unsuitable friends, and she says she doesn’t want friends, she wants family.

I might be sneaky and suggest you join the women’s group yourself, and then make that the place you see her one or two times a month. Make it a way for her to meet other people. Sort of force her to expand her circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have a job? What does she do with her time?

She works on and off - she's been laid off or quit several times (office work for random small companies). She is an immigrant so it's really hard for her to get work because of language barrier, and the usual unskilled immigrant jobs like cleaning, retail, etc, that she did when she was younger are too difficult physically. She's not working now and I think she just helps my grandparents, does housework, cooking, etc, reads, takes walks, and feels lonely.

OP, I’m wondering if your mother is similarly enmeshed and codependent with her own parents and therefore has the same expectation for your relationship with her. You cannot change her script if this is what she grew up with herself. The only thing you can do is disengage. Every time she starts the guilt trip, disengage and end the call. “I’m sorry seeing me once a week/every two weeks is not enough for you. That’s all the time I have available. If this is not enough for you, we may need to scale back on the visits further, as you clearly don’t appreciate the time I’m sacrificing to spend together.” No more blow ups, screaming matches, etc. She craves any and all attention she can get from you, even if it is negative. Time to set some boundaries for yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's situation may be different, but, for everyone asking, how do you feel about the possibility that your own children won't be interested in seeing you more than a few times a year in the future? I definitely wish I lived closer to my mother, and could have a once a week lunch, etc.

+1

Just wait until the shoe is on the other foot. Imagine your young adult kids silencing your texts and calls, and telling you that they are too busy with their lives and so seeing you once a month is enough for them1 yikes.

So true. My mom is gone, and I miss her so much.

[Anonymous]

OP I could have written this post. A lifetime of this, starting when I was a teen. My mom is a good person but her issues and insecurities and past fulfillment of her needs through her kids without any help got her stuck in this cycle and it literally was driving me insane. I got a therapist for me to help me cope, deal with guilt, find some semblance of a relationship without resorting to being cruel (because I honestly just never wanted to see her) and it has helped a LOT in helping reframe things and work on healthy boundaries. So I would prioritize your mental health here and seek guidance not from all of us wackjobs on DCUM but an actual therapist. I know it’s energy you don’t have to find one, but they are out there. What I did was pull up a list of in network providers on my insurance webpage, email every single one who seemed like a decent fit, got a few replies, pestered the ones I was really interested in until they had an opening and finally got in. It was work but so worth it. Hugs to you and your mom too. She needs help but it’s not your job to fix her, work on you and hopefully it will help you cope and maybe even improve the relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your mom is borderline OP. Mine is too and before I cut her off, would beg me to return to my home country to take care of her. I haven’t spoken or visited mine in three years and plans to regain contact.

I'm getting borderline vibes too. I'd suggest reading up on how to set boundaries with borderline parents, OP. Whether or not your mom is borderline, you may still get good advice as the issues you're facing seem similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's situation may be different, but, for everyone asking, how do you feel about the possibility that your own children won't be interested in seeing you more than a few times a year in the future? I definitely wish I lived closer to my mother, and could have a once a week lunch, etc.

+1

Just wait until the shoe is on the other foot. Imagine your young adult kids silencing your texts and calls, and telling you that they are too busy with their lives and so seeing you once a month is enough for them1 yikes.

So true. My mom is gone, and I miss her so much.

And sometimes you don't, like in my case. It could have been different, but she didn't care.

[Anonymous]

If you want to conitine to have a relationship with your mom I would schedule standing time for her. Like phone call at Tuesday at 8:30pm for 30 minutes. Set the alarm. I would not use that time for any housekeeping or logistics. I would not use the time to talk about me or the kids. I would let her talk about herself and her day. Ask her questions. Maybe that will give her a chance to feel connected to you and have something to look forward to. She sounds like she’s struggling with some mental illness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just drop the rope. You told her and now, show her. When she complains don't engage. Schedule the stuff you want to and can and she can deal. Eventually she will STFU if she gets no response, but even if she doesn't you will have spent the time you want to spend with her.

This. My mom did not respond well to words and being rational so I had to calmly show her with behavior I did not have the time. Your mom wants a co-dependent enmeshment from hell and it's not healthy for either of you. My mom is just like this. Besides showing her I did the following:

1.) Got therapy since she wouldn't. Learned to detach and set boundaries without words, since words didn't work.

2.) Gave lots of positive reinforcement anytime she did something healthy like get together with a friend. Not in a patronizing way, just in a genuine joyous way.

3.) When she tantrummed at me and tried to emotionally abuse me into being her BFF and servant, I called her doctors to express concern about her mental health and suggest she be screened for dementia, depression and anxiety. It worked. They didn't follow up with me, but eventually she mentioned she got screened and was on meds-never thought that would happen. She keeps thinking she is cured and goes off and then she regresses back to her baseline crazy.

4.) Read Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. It's my bible and I have it in my nightstand drawer for reference as needed.