How to Tell Mother I Just Don't Want To Be Close

[Anonymous]

Maybe I'm in the wrong here - if so, please tell me.

My mom doesn't have friends, and despite much encouragement from me is too shy/reluctant to make any. She chats with neighbors, occasionally catches up with people from her past, but she is very social by nature and she gets maybe 20%-30% of the social contact she needs at most.

She has a rocky marriage with my dad, and a pretty unhealthy, enmeshed relationship with her own elderly parents, whom she does a LOT for and they still grumble about how it's not enough. She has no siblings or other family. So, this leaves her unfulfilled and lonely and constantly trying to be closer to me than I would like to be.

I am working an intense job that I love and have two young kids. Life is really busy. I struggle to fit in quality time with my husband, friendships, or exercise. I try to see my family once a week, because they live nearby, usually with the kids. Most weeks they will also call and ask for a second get-together just with the kids.

It's never, never enough. If I visit my grandparents, she will make comments about how I find time for them but not her. If I call my dad, it's "Why don't you call me too?" If I see her with the kids, it's "That was fun, but I want to see you one-on-one". If we have a family celebration, "that doesn't count as quality time since it's so hectic".

I've tried to talk to her about this, and she wants me to find time to meet up with her one-on-one every week or at least have a long call without the kids in the background. This is in addition to making sure she and my grandparents see the kids several times per month, and any family events for birthdays, holidays, etc. I've tried to explain that I'm really busy and that the amount of contact we have is more than enough for me, but she doesn't get it. She says she doesn't understand how a daughter would NOT want to spend time with her mother, that it's cruel and selfish. How could I prefer going out with friends to seeing her, when she's my mom and has done so much for me? What have those friends done for me? How can my job be more important than my family? (i.e. her?)

I don't even have a date night with my husband every week. I barely find an hour to work out per week. I see friends maybe a couple times per month. I'm usually exhausted after I put them to bed and/or finishing my work. And honestly, I don't enjoy hanging out with my mom that much. We're very different, don't have much in common, clash and argue a lot, and she cries a lot and is very emotionally volatile and refuses to get help. So I don't really want to make the huge effort to cut out time for a weekly "mother-daughter date". If I have an extra hour in my week, there are several other things I'd much rather do with that time.

So, here's what happens now. I try to set my boundaries. She keeps pushing and suggesting more get-togethers. I do what I can, and say no to the rest. Eventually, I get overwhelmed with her invitations, ("Can we get together tomorrow?" "no." "Wednesday?" "No". "Thursday?" "No! How about we just see each other in two weeks when I come over?" "That's way too long, at least let's do Saturday."

She starts guilting me, crying, and I lose it and blow up as well (after months of saying no politely). Then she says that she never wants to see me again. Then we don't talk for weeks. Then we make up and the cycle repeats again.

I feel so shitty about this whole situation, especially, as my mom points out, some people don't get to have a mom and I should be grateful that I have one who wants to hang out with me all the time. It's been like a decade of this, and she has shown pretty clearly that she cannot respect my boundary of how often I want to be in touch, because it feels like a personal insult to her. She will hold out for a couple months max and then start pushing and guilting again.

Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Does she have a job? What does she do with her time?

[Anonymous]

Just drop the rope. You told her and now, show her. When she complains don't engage. Schedule the stuff you want to and can and she can deal. Eventually she will STFU if she gets no response, but even if she doesn't you will have spent the time you want to spend with her.

[Anonymous]

Your mom needs therapy. It’s not that you do not want to be close, you don’t want to be co-dependent.
She needs therapy. Poor thing.

[Anonymous]

Do you trust her with your kids without you? Do kids like her? If yes to both, send them over there as much as you can?

[Anonymous]

"Mom I can not be your therapist. Your mental health issues and disrespect are impacting my well being and the well being of my family. If you keep badgering I will need to cut back further on our contact."

Practise "I'm going to let you go now. We can try again another day." Do this every time she boundary crosses, guilt trips etc.

[Anonymous]

While she may need more friends, what she is saying and you are missing is that she wants more time with YOU. I think what might help in your situation is to have a standing date with her. Can you meet her for lunch once every other week? And talk to her while you go for a walk once a week? I talk to my mom while I ride a stationary bike a couple of times a week..

But be straight-forward without being mean. "Mom, I only have time for twice a month get-togethers and unfortunately don't have time for what you want. So this will have to do, even if you cry."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you trust her with your kids without you? Do kids like her? If yes to both, send them over there as much as you can?

Oh yes, so she can become dependent on them and can start emotionally burdening them as they get older? Use them as human sponges to soak up her needy behavior? GREAT ADVICE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you trust her with your kids without you? Do kids like her? If yes to both, send them over there as much as you can?

Oh yes, so she can become dependent on them and can start emotionally burdening them as they get older? Use them as human sponges to soak up her needy behavior? GREAT ADVICE.

OP - We do send kids on their own, but I do question it for this reason. As they get older, I'm very worried.

But even now, it's not a panacea, because she often uses it to guilt-trip me. "Well, we babysat your kids, so now you have to get together with me one on one." (Even if she suggested that they come in the first place).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom needs therapy. It’s not that you do not want to be close, you don’t want to be co-dependent.
She needs therapy. Poor thing.

OP here. It is actually really difficult to find a good therapist who accepts insurance. She's very reluctant, too. One time, a couple years ago, I finally convinced her to go and the therapist wasn't helpful at all. It was some girl straight out of school, we did a few joint sessions that ended with my mom screaming and crying. Then my mom saw the therapist on her own for a few months, then said it was useless and stopped.

I've been searching for a good therapist for myself and have not found anyone who accepts insurance. It's all like $250/hour or shit quality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she have a job? What does she do with her time?

She works on and off - she's been laid off or quit several times (office work for random small companies). She is an immigrant so it's really hard for her to get work because of language barrier, and the usual unskilled immigrant jobs like cleaning, retail, etc, that she did when she was younger are too difficult physically. She's not working now and I think she just helps my grandparents, does housework, cooking, etc, reads, takes walks, and feels lonely.

[Anonymous]

This would totally have been me except that I already had enough as a smothered teen and I escaped to grad school and then a subsequent life in the US. My parents live in Europe and that distance has been miraculous for our relationship. There have been times when we have clashed during a visit, but generally she can't do much damage in 2 weeks.

Your mother is mentally ill, OP. She is only partly responsible for her own actions. Just like my mother. So you must treat her as a mentally ill person: do not trust her, do not talk about anything deep, keep things pleasant and short and do not respond to any texts or messages except when you are ready to engage. I talk with my mother once a week every Sunday at 11am for an hour. I visit on average once a year for two weeks. I have trained her for 20 years to not expect more than that. It helps these people to know when to expect a phone call, Facetime or in-person visit.

You have to double down on your boundaries, and be ready to let all her tantrums run off you like water off a duck's back. If she chooses to go off in huff for weeks, GREAT. When she comes back, don't budge. Don't apologize. Just keep repeating: "I'll phone on Sunday at 11am" (or whatever works for you). Or "I'll see you at Christmas".

Like all conflicts, OP, this boils down to who has the most willpower. Be that person.

[Anonymous]

I think you must decide how often you will be able to see her. 2X a month seems fair. Explain to her your priorities are 1) children 2) spouse 3) job 4) friends, family (both her and the grandparents), exercise and some much needed downtime. Tell her what is possible and when she wants more, remind her of your priorities. Be strong. This is a tough situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have a job? What does she do with her time?

She works on and off - she's been laid off or quit several times (office work for random small companies). She is an immigrant so it's really hard for her to get work because of language barrier, and the usual unskilled immigrant jobs like cleaning, retail, etc, that she did when she was younger are too difficult physically. She's not working now and I think she just helps my grandparents, does housework, cooking, etc, reads, takes walks, and feels lonely.

Is there any local community for the country she came from? A church perhaps? It makes sense that she’s lonely if she doesn’t have friends who can speak in her native language. I don’t think therapy is the answer, friends are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would totally have been me except that I already had enough as a smothered teen and I escaped to grad school and then a subsequent life in the US. My parents live in Europe and that distance has been miraculous for our relationship. There have been times when we have clashed during a visit, but generally she can't do much damage in 2 weeks.

Your mother is mentally ill, OP. She is only partly responsible for her own actions. Just like my mother. So you must treat her as a mentally ill person: do not trust her, do not talk about anything deep, keep things pleasant and short and do not respond to any texts or messages except when you are ready to engage. I talk with my mother once a week every Sunday at 11am for an hour. I visit on average once a year for two weeks. I have trained her for 20 years to not expect more than that. It helps these people to know when to expect a phone call, Facetime or in-person visit.

You have to double down on your boundaries, and be ready to let all her tantrums run off you like water off a duck's back. If she chooses to go off in huff for weeks, GREAT. When she comes back, don't budge. Don't apologize. Just keep repeating: "I'll phone on Sunday at 11am" (or whatever works for you). Or "I'll see you at Christmas".

Like all conflicts, OP, this boils down to who has the most willpower. Be that person.

Me again. I don't think explaining anything will help. Such people are ill - they cannot see reason. You will only get bogged down in arguments, at which they are very skilled. So don't explain, don't defend. Just say "I'll see you at X day, Y time".