How to Tell Mother I Just Don't Want To Be Close

[Anonymous]

Agree, explaining or defending just gives her an opening to contest what you say.

My mom is local and I keep her to 2x a month. I do a lot of “I am really busy this week but I want to see you—can I put you down for breakfast next Sunday? We have something at 11 but I want to make sure I see you.” For me that phrasing has helped because she feels prioritized, but I also explicitly lay out the hours in which I can see her.

Silence her texts so that you only look at them when you’re ready to. Screen your calls and only phone when it’s within the time you are willing to talk, and always ensure you have an out—I call while commuting for this reason.

Be prepared for her to continue her pleas. Her need for time with you does not supersede your willingness and availability to spend time with her, decide what you can give, and give that. Let the rest roll of your back as much as possible (and keep looking for a therapist).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you trust her with your kids without you? Do kids like her? If yes to both, send them over there as much as you can?

Oh yes, so she can become dependent on them and can start emotionally burdening them as they get older? Use them as human sponges to soak up her needy behavior? GREAT ADVICE.

I have news for you - relationship with grandkids can be different than with kids. Also, she only burdening OP by asking her to come visit more often - it’s easier for kids to not give in to her guilt tripping - again becduse tbe relationship is different and because their mom can support them and because kids are naturally less prone to be guilt tripped by a
Third party (not their parents).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you trust her with your kids without you? Do kids like her? If yes to both, send them over there as much as you can?

Oh yes, so she can become dependent on them and can start emotionally burdening them as they get older? Use them as human sponges to soak up her needy behavior? GREAT ADVICE.

OP - We do send kids on their own, but I do question it for this reason. As they get older, I'm very worried.

But even now, it's not a panacea, because she often uses it to guilt-trip me. "Well, we babysat your kids, so now you have to get together with me one on one." (Even if she suggested that they come in the first place).

I am the PP who suggested it. Ok, I hear you! Sorry you have to deal with her.
You received great advice already

[Anonymous]

Maybe get her a language conversation partner? Someone who is interested in practicing her language. She would get companionship, the other person would get language practice. And maybe your mom's English would improve and lessen her isolation.

[Anonymous]

Stop trying to fix her! It's not your job o get her a therapist! I think you really need to take a break from her so you can get this distance to see how emeshed you are. That's one reason why it's hard for you to enforce boundaries.

[Anonymous]

OP's situation may be different, but, for everyone asking, how do you feel about the possibility that your own children won't be interested in seeing you more than a few times a year in the future? I definitely wish I lived closer to my mother, and could have a once a week lunch, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have a job? What does she do with her time?

She works on and off - she's been laid off or quit several times (office work for random small companies). She is an immigrant so it's really hard for her to get work because of language barrier, and the usual unskilled immigrant jobs like cleaning, retail, etc, that she did when she was younger are too difficult physically. She's not working now and I think she just helps my grandparents, does housework, cooking, etc, reads, takes walks, and feels lonely.

Is there any local community for the country she came from? A church perhaps? It makes sense that she’s lonely if she doesn’t have friends who can speak in her native language. I don’t think therapy is the answer, friends are.

OP. Yes!!! There is a large local community from our country - church, women’s social group that she was literally invited to join, and more. She won’t do it!! She was brought up spending time only with family, taught that family is most important, and has trouble connecting to others. She has a million reasons why the other people she meets are unsuitable friends, and she says she doesn’t want friends, she wants family.

[Anonymous]

I had to get a little mean for my Mom to understand I meant business. So if she did XYZ, or said abc, I’d leave the room or hang up the phone. And I was mentally ready to cut off the relationship if I needed to.

Of course, I told her what I was going to do prior to starting to do this.

Guilt only works if you think what she’s saying is valid. So there is a part of you that believes you “should” visit more. Until you make peace with that, she’ll always be able to emotionally blackmail you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your mom needs therapy. It’s not that you do not want to be close, you don’t want to be co-dependent.
She needs therapy. Poor thing.

+1
I’m struggling with this with my own mother, so much so that I checked the date to see if I was the one who wrote this and forgot about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This would totally have been me except that I already had enough as a smothered teen and I escaped to grad school and then a subsequent life in the US. My parents live in Europe and that distance has been miraculous for our relationship. There have been times when we have clashed during a visit, but generally she can't do much damage in 2 weeks.

Your mother is mentally ill, OP. She is only partly responsible for her own actions. Just like my mother. So you must treat her as a mentally ill person: do not trust her, do not talk about anything deep, keep things pleasant and short and do not respond to any texts or messages except when you are ready to engage. I talk with my mother once a week every Sunday at 11am for an hour. I visit on average once a year for two weeks. I have trained her for 20 years to not expect more than that. It helps these people to know when to expect a phone call, Facetime or in-person visit.

You have to double down on your boundaries, and be ready to let all her tantrums run off you like water off a duck's back. If she chooses to go off in huff for weeks, GREAT. When she comes back, don't budge. Don't apologize. Just keep repeating: "I'll phone on Sunday at 11am" (or whatever works for you). Or "I'll see you at Christmas".

Like all conflicts, OP, this boils down to who has the most willpower. Be that person.

This is great advice.

Have a set time you will see her and a set time to talk to her. That may help reassure her you will be around for that particular time, but hold fast. She will take over your life if she can.

[Anonymous]

And, OP she wants "family" because family supposedly has to put up with any and all behavior and love you regardless. My mom and grandmother were exactly like this, and were flabberghasted and then hateful when I went out on my own and did my own thing.

If you want to see her and talk to her, do so, but have a reliable schedule for doing so that she can learn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's situation may be different, but, for everyone asking, how do you feel about the possibility that your own children won't be interested in seeing you more than a few times a year in the future? I definitely wish I lived closer to my mother, and could have a once a week lunch, etc.

OP sounds like she sees her family as much as possible. She’s entitled to a life of her own.

And as far as the possibility that my kids might not want to see me when they’re adults? It’s very sad and I hope that we have a different relationship with our kids than some of us have with our parents.

[Anonymous]

STOP explaining anything to her. Decide what you want and do it. Decide how much talking to her you want -- and do that. Don't pick up the phone. Call her once a week (whatever) YOU DECIDE. For once in your life, take charge.

You have kids. You will be a terrible role model for THEM, unless you get your act together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:STOP explaining anything to her. Decide what you want and do it. Decide how much talking to her you want -- and do that. Don't pick up the phone. Call her once a week (whatever) YOU DECIDE. For once in your life, take charge.

You have kids. You will be a terrible role model for THEM, unless you get your act together.

Also good advice, don't explain anything or tell mom you "don't want to be close" because that is how she makes herself have a nervous breakdown and tries to take you with her.

Decide when you can talk to her and when you can see her, and follow that schedule every week / month. Tell her you would love to see her more often, but the kids and you have xyz things going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Mom I can not be your therapist. Your mental health issues and disrespect are impacting my well being and the well being of my family. If you keep badgering I will need to cut back further on our contact."

Practise "I'm going to let you go now. We can try again another day." Do this every time she boundary crosses, guilt trips etc.

This. You have to have the guts to hang up on her when she starts this. Every time.

"I'm not having this conversation again and I have to go now." Hang up. You ignore it if she calls 100 times after. If she comes to your house to have a yard tantrum, you don't open the door.

She is manipulative and smothering.