How to Tell Mother I Just Don't Want To Be Close

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Mom I can not be your therapist. Your mental health issues and disrespect are impacting my well being and the well being of my family. If you keep badgering I will need to cut back further on our contact."

Practise "I'm going to let you go now. We can try again another day." Do this every time she boundary crosses, guilt trips etc.

This. You have to have the guts to hang up on her when she starts this. Every time.

"I'm not having this conversation again and I have to go now." Hang up. You ignore it if she calls 100 times after. If she comes to your house to have a yard tantrum, you don't open the door.

She is manipulative and smothering.

With mentally ill older parents this often creates more drama not less. Tell them they need therapy is like telling them they need to a straight jacket and to be hospitalized for the next 6 months. They fear it like the plague and have no self-awareness. Anytime I confronted my mom like this she had rage fits that gave me heart palpitations. It was easier to calmly say "that doesn't work for me. I can call you and x day. Oh there's the oven going off. Gotta go. Have a good day mom!" Talking about feelings and how her behaviors affected me was like throwing gas on a fire. She could not cope.

Always stay calm. Keep the words simple. Don't engage in the crazy. Don't defend. Don't explain. Have an exit strategy..."oh there's the door, gotta go." "Sheila has soccer practice, gotta go. Nice to see you."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's situation may be different, but, for everyone asking, how do you feel about the possibility that your own children won't be interested in seeing you more than a few times a year in the future? I definitely wish I lived closer to my mother, and could have a once a week lunch, etc.

+1

Just wait until the shoe is on the other foot. Imagine your young adult kids silencing your texts and calls, and telling you that they are too busy with their lives and so seeing you once a month is enough for them1 yikes.

So true. My mom is gone, and I miss her so much.

Was she co-dependent and borderline?
Have compassion just like you want it.

[Anonymous]

As a daughter of a mom like this, I feel so seen right now.

[Anonymous]

As 10:26 said, get this book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. I got it from the library, convinced my DH to read it, and then we bought it because we both need it (both of our widowed parents think that our lives should revolve around them). You need to learn boundaries and to stop caring about her guilt trips.

To those who say they miss their moms, that's YOUR experience. When your mother is badgering and smothering you, you don't feel as though you'll miss it, even for one day.

OP - detach, detach, detach.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As 10:26 said, get this book: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsay Gibson. I got it from the library, convinced my DH to read it, and then we bought it because we both need it (both of our widowed parents think that our lives should revolve around them). You need to learn boundaries and to stop caring about her guilt trips.

To those who say they miss their moms, that's YOUR experience. When your mother is badgering and smothering you, you don't feel as though you'll miss it, even for one day.

OP - detach, detach, detach.

Good luck!

Yup, I’m the PP who moved overseas and I feel tormented at the thought of answering the phone. I’ve made peace that my mom will probably die without any further communication from me. I know it’s harsh but my mental health comes first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does she have a job? What does she do with her time?

She works on and off - she's been laid off or quit several times (office work for random small companies). She is an immigrant so it's really hard for her to get work because of language barrier, and the usual unskilled immigrant jobs like cleaning, retail, etc, that she did when she was younger are too difficult physically. She's not working now and I think she just helps my grandparents, does housework, cooking, etc, reads, takes walks, and feels lonely.

This is pretty expected if she’s not American.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's situation may be different, but, for everyone asking, how do you feel about the possibility that your own children won't be interested in seeing you more than a few times a year in the future? I definitely wish I lived closer to my mother, and could have a once a week lunch, etc.

+1

Just wait until the shoe is on the other foot. Imagine your young adult kids silencing your texts and calls, and telling you that they are too busy with their lives and so seeing you once a month is enough for them1 yikes.

So true. My mom is gone, and I miss her so much.

I say this kindly, but you both need to grow up. This thread isn’t about you and trying to interject your guilt trip into this conversation is hyperbolic and lacking in self awareness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm in the wrong here - if so, please tell me.

My mom doesn't have friends, and despite much encouragement from me is too shy/reluctant to make any. She chats with neighbors, occasionally catches up with people from her past, but she is very social by nature and she gets maybe 20%-30% of the social contact she needs at most.

She has a rocky marriage with my dad, and a pretty unhealthy, enmeshed relationship with her own elderly parents, whom she does a LOT for and they still grumble about how it's not enough. She has no siblings or other family. So, this leaves her unfulfilled and lonely and constantly trying to be closer to me than I would like to be.

I am working an intense job that I love and have two young kids. Life is really busy. I struggle to fit in quality time with my husband, friendships, or exercise. I try to see my family once a week, because they live nearby, usually with the kids. Most weeks they will also call and ask for a second get-together just with the kids.

It's never, never enough. If I visit my grandparents, she will make comments about how I find time for them but not her. If I call my dad, it's "Why don't you call me too?" If I see her with the kids, it's "That was fun, but I want to see you one-on-one". If we have a family celebration, "that doesn't count as quality time since it's so hectic".

I've tried to talk to her about this, and she wants me to find time to meet up with her one-on-one every week or at least have a long call without the kids in the background. This is in addition to making sure she and my grandparents see the kids several times per month, and any family events for birthdays, holidays, etc. I've tried to explain that I'm really busy and that the amount of contact we have is more than enough for me, but she doesn't get it. She says she doesn't understand how a daughter would NOT want to spend time with her mother, that it's cruel and selfish. How could I prefer going out with friends to seeing her, when she's my mom and has done so much for me? What have those friends done for me? How can my job be more important than my family? (i.e. her?)

I don't even have a date night with my husband every week. I barely find an hour to work out per week. I see friends maybe a couple times per month. I'm usually exhausted after I put them to bed and/or finishing my work. And honestly, I don't enjoy hanging out with my mom that much. We're very different, don't have much in common, clash and argue a lot, and she cries a lot and is very emotionally volatile and refuses to get help. So I don't really want to make the huge effort to cut out time for a weekly "mother-daughter date". If I have an extra hour in my week, there are several other things I'd much rather do with that time.

So, here's what happens now. I try to set my boundaries. She keeps pushing and suggesting more get-togethers. I do what I can, and say no to the rest. Eventually, I get overwhelmed with her invitations, ("Can we get together tomorrow?" "no." "Wednesday?" "No". "Thursday?" "No! How about we just see each other in two weeks when I come over?" "That's way too long, at least let's do Saturday."

She starts guilting me, crying, and I lose it and blow up as well (after months of saying no politely). Then she says that she never wants to see me again. Then we don't talk for weeks. Then we make up and the cycle repeats again.

I feel so shitty about this whole situation, especially, as my mom points out, some people don't get to have a mom and I should be grateful that I have one who wants to hang out with me all the time. It's been like a decade of this, and she has shown pretty clearly that she cannot respect my boundary of how often I want to be in touch, because it feels like a personal insult to her. She will hold out for a couple months max and then start pushing and guilting again.

Any advice?

My husband and I are completely devoted to our kids. We would be sad if they cut us off when they got older. See you don’t want to be close is hurtful. Just reassure her you love her and that you’ll get together with her once a week

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe I'm in the wrong here - if so, please tell me.

My mom doesn't have friends, and despite much encouragement from me is too shy/reluctant to make any. She chats with neighbors, occasionally catches up with people from her past, but she is very social by nature and she gets maybe 20%-30% of the social contact she needs at most.

She has a rocky marriage with my dad, and a pretty unhealthy, enmeshed relationship with her own elderly parents, whom she does a LOT for and they still grumble about how it's not enough. She has no siblings or other family. So, this leaves her unfulfilled and lonely and constantly trying to be closer to me than I would like to be.

I am working an intense job that I love and have two young kids. Life is really busy. I struggle to fit in quality time with my husband, friendships, or exercise. I try to see my family once a week, because they live nearby, usually with the kids. Most weeks they will also call and ask for a second get-together just with the kids.

It's never, never enough. If I visit my grandparents, she will make comments about how I find time for them but not her. If I call my dad, it's "Why don't you call me too?" If I see her with the kids, it's "That was fun, but I want to see you one-on-one". If we have a family celebration, "that doesn't count as quality time since it's so hectic".

I've tried to talk to her about this, and she wants me to find time to meet up with her one-on-one every week or at least have a long call without the kids in the background. This is in addition to making sure she and my grandparents see the kids several times per month, and any family events for birthdays, holidays, etc. I've tried to explain that I'm really busy and that the amount of contact we have is more than enough for me, but she doesn't get it. She says she doesn't understand how a daughter would NOT want to spend time with her mother, that it's cruel and selfish. How could I prefer going out with friends to seeing her, when she's my mom and has done so much for me? What have those friends done for me? How can my job be more important than my family? (i.e. her?)

I don't even have a date night with my husband every week. I barely find an hour to work out per week. I see friends maybe a couple times per month. I'm usually exhausted after I put them to bed and/or finishing my work. And honestly, I don't enjoy hanging out with my mom that much. We're very different, don't have much in common, clash and argue a lot, and she cries a lot and is very emotionally volatile and refuses to get help. So I don't really want to make the huge effort to cut out time for a weekly "mother-daughter date". If I have an extra hour in my week, there are several other things I'd much rather do with that time.

So, here's what happens now. I try to set my boundaries. She keeps pushing and suggesting more get-togethers. I do what I can, and say no to the rest. Eventually, I get overwhelmed with her invitations, ("Can we get together tomorrow?" "no." "Wednesday?" "No". "Thursday?" "No! How about we just see each other in two weeks when I come over?" "That's way too long, at least let's do Saturday."

She starts guilting me, crying, and I lose it and blow up as well (after months of saying no politely). Then she says that she never wants to see me again. Then we don't talk for weeks. Then we make up and the cycle repeats again.

I feel so shitty about this whole situation, especially, as my mom points out, some people don't get to have a mom and I should be grateful that I have one who wants to hang out with me all the time. It's been like a decade of this, and she has shown pretty clearly that she cannot respect my boundary of how often I want to be in touch, because it feels like a personal insult to her. She will hold out for a couple months max and then start pushing and guilting again.

Any advice?

My husband and I are completely devoted to our kids. We would be sad if they cut us off when they got older. See you don’t want to be close is hurtful. Just reassure her you love her and that you’ll get together with her once a week

Your child doesn’t owe you anything.