I think grandparents are out of touch now because a lot of us waited so long to have kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:God yes. My MIL has all these bizarre romanticized ideas about her kids and what an awesome parent she was. She even commented that my daughters crying was so very much louder than her sons’ polite noises. Her kids never fought, not a once. Everything was amaze balls. It’s amazing because she’s incompetent, filthy, undisciplined and disorganized so, mind blown that she had these dream children.

My MIL was the same way, she has since been diagnosed with dementia.

My husband has very negative memories of certain things/actions/situations/people that she ABSOLUTELY refused to recognize because it conflicts with the romanticized version of her role as a "perfect" mother.

Good times, good times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't know...on the one hand, I don't think previous generations of grandparents were so much better. The Silent Generation or the Greatest Generation weren't hands-on parents or grandparents even though they would've been on the young side. Same for the Boomers. I think the difference stems more from the fact that modern parents are so much more involved in their kids lives than previous generations were. Also, the fact that most families are independent from their family of origin probably contributes to grandparents being out of touch.

It obviously depends on the particular family dynamic and the person at issue as well. My 95 year old grandmother has a lot of old-fashioned ideas about things but is very practical, accepts that things have changed, and recognizes that kids are kids. She is as active and involved in all of her grandkids' and great-grandkids' lives as she can be. Whereas my MIL was a young and healthy 60yo when her first grandchild was born (DH and I were late 30s). Yet spending time with her grandkids consists of turning the TV on for them while she sits next to them texting or playing on her phone. She never got on the floor and played with them when they were younger. She just doesn't know how to interact with kids.

I agree with this. Previous generations were not necessarily super involved the way some are today. Class and distance relate too - my parents were still working when we had our first, now they are retired but taking care of their own adult relatives, it's not easy and they have to go out of their way to see us. But they try, because as young boomers they have this idea of involved grandparenthood that they didn't grow up with.

I do think age is a bit related, but more to do with literal lifespan and energy levels than being "out of touch." My MIL and FIL were very involved with my SIL's kids, who range from 26 to 14 now. Sadly, MIL died this fall, and FIL is now over 80 and slowing down a lot. My kids are 2 and 6 and they will definitely have a different experience due to the huge age gap between DH and SIL, and the fact that she had her first at 22 while he waited until 32.

[Anonymous]

I mean I think the current 60-70+ year old crowd is famous for remembering themselves as PERFECT parents. My parents raised us by yelling ALL THE TIME. While they never hit or anything, we were legit scared for the screaming so we were very docile children, we never expressed our feelings, we never asked - can you buy x - even though they certainly had the $$$ for any small toy type of requests. To hear them tell it now, they NEVER yelled at us, not once. And we ALWAYS talked to them about our feelings - uh lol - no we didn't because if you so much as said something even something positive like "maybe I'll be a dr when I grow up" - you'd hear, you probably won't, it's not that easy, hard work isn't enough to be a dr blah blah, instead of just encouraging a 14 year old's dream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean I think the current 60-70+ year old crowd is famous for remembering themselves as PERFECT parents. My parents raised us by yelling ALL THE TIME. While they never hit or anything, we were legit scared for the screaming so we were very docile children, we never expressed our feelings, we never asked - can you buy x - even though they certainly had the $$$ for any small toy type of requests. To hear them tell it now, they NEVER yelled at us, not once. And we ALWAYS talked to them about our feelings - uh lol - no we didn't because if you so much as said something even something positive like "maybe I'll be a dr when I grow up" - you'd hear, you probably won't, it's not that easy, hard work isn't enough to be a dr blah blah, instead of just encouraging a 14 year old's dream.

This but our parents hit. (we'd hit them back as we got to be teens)

I don't remember my parents ever saying I love you, hugging us or buying anything extra. We never asked for anything as it was always we couldn't afford it when they could (they both worked in high paying jobs). The screaming fights were constant. I always hid in my room when I got home. I did all the housekeeping and cooking in high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean I think the current 60-70+ year old crowd is famous for remembering themselves as PERFECT parents. My parents raised us by yelling ALL THE TIME. While they never hit or anything, we were legit scared for the screaming so we were very docile children, we never expressed our feelings, we never asked - can you buy x - even though they certainly had the $$$ for any small toy type of requests. To hear them tell it now, they NEVER yelled at us, not once. And we ALWAYS talked to them about our feelings - uh lol - no we didn't because if you so much as said something even something positive like "maybe I'll be a dr when I grow up" - you'd hear, you probably won't, it's not that easy, hard work isn't enough to be a dr blah blah, instead of just encouraging a 14 year old's dream.

This but our parents hit. (we'd hit them back as we got to be teens)

I don't remember my parents ever saying I love you, hugging us or buying anything extra. We never asked for anything as it was always we couldn't afford it when they could (they both worked in high paying jobs). The screaming fights were constant. I always hid in my room when I got home. I did all the housekeeping and cooking in high school.

PP here - it's infuriating. Sorry for what you went thru. Yep no I love yous or hugs in my home either.

They definitely had $, were UMC for the time but yep if we rarely did ask for anything "extra" they'd never buy it, would scream at us for asking, but also wouldn't allow us to work for it; so no car in HS because they wouldn't buy it (ok I get that) but nope you're also not allowed a summer job or after school to try to save up. YET to hear them tell it now, oh you never even asked for a car!? Uh are you delusional I begged for a car or to be able to work for a car!? And now they'll go around being so "proud"/happy for their younger nieces/nephews buying their kids new cars in HS and if you say anything about it - you never asked for a car; I never knew you wanted a car; what would YOU have done with a car (bc you were a loser but niece's kid who I see once in 5 yrs who lives 5 states away oh he's going places!?). The gaslighting is amazing.

[Anonymous]

My own mother is 84 and has, by her own admission, had a “rough time with the idea that most of the grandchildren (10) are college students.” Note “she’s” having the rough time!

Her expectation is self focused and narcissistic; the grandchildren are independent and she can no longer expect to have near constant visits and get the entire family together anymore. She has completely forgotten what it’s like to raise teenagers into young adults and the amount of time school alone takes - then there are outside activities and sports and friends and burgeoning relationships.

She has pouted and complained that she now is “ignored” and no longer a priority when it comes to holidays or family gatherings - mostly because we are all scrambling to get our college kids home. Then once the students are home, the demands begin and she doesn’t like to take no for answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean I think the current 60-70+ year old crowd is famous for remembering themselves as PERFECT parents. My parents raised us by yelling ALL THE TIME. While they never hit or anything, we were legit scared for the screaming so we were very docile children, we never expressed our feelings, we never asked - can you buy x - even though they certainly had the $$$ for any small toy type of requests. To hear them tell it now, they NEVER yelled at us, not once. And we ALWAYS talked to them about our feelings - uh lol - no we didn't because if you so much as said something even something positive like "maybe I'll be a dr when I grow up" - you'd hear, you probably won't, it's not that easy, hard work isn't enough to be a dr blah blah, instead of just encouraging a 14 year old's dream.

This but our parents hit. (we'd hit them back as we got to be teens)

I don't remember my parents ever saying I love you, hugging us or buying anything extra. We never asked for anything as it was always we couldn't afford it when they could (they both worked in high paying jobs). The screaming fights were constant. I always hid in my room when I got home. I did all the housekeeping and cooking in high school.

+2

Original PP describes my upbringing almost exactly, except yes, my parents hit us.

I can count on one hand the number of compliments I've received from my mom in my life, and they are weird/challenging compliments. Like I remember her telling me I had good taste when she took me shopping for a formal dress in high school, but it was in the context of me asking for something more expensive than we could afford, so the implication was "you have good taste but it's too expensive." I only remember this because it was such a rare thing, for my mom to say something somewhat flattering about me. My dad has never paid me a compliment in my life. I'm 41.

And yes, my parents yelled constantly when I was a kid. A lot of what my parents remember about me when I was a kid is clearly examples of my anxiety disorder, caused by an extremely violent and upsetting home life, becoming apparent at a young age. But they tell these stories like they are cute anecdotes about what a difficult child I was. One of them is about me having to go to the doctor with what they considered a phantom physical malady. But what I remember about that event was spending a week certain I had this physical problem and being terrified to tell anyone because I knew they'd be angry when they found out. I really was phantom, but also: I was 6 years old. In retrospect it is obvious to me that I was acting out because I wasn't getting any of my emotional needs met at all and I was desperate for love and affection. But my parents things this is just a funny story about what a difficult child I was.

Anyway, it's true my parents don't remember what it was like to have young kids. But it's also true that they were just awful parents and remember their parenting through rose-colored glasses now that they are grandparents. The sad thing (in some ways) is that they are actually fairly affectionate, kind grandparents. So they had the capacity for it. But those weren't the parents I got. I can also see how their interest in and affection towards their grandkids really wanes as they age. The more independent the kids get, the less my parents want to be around them. It's interesting and depressing.

[Anonymous]

I think this is person dependant, not age dependant. My husband's parents are older (we married when I was 31 and he was 40) and are GREAT with our kids. My parents, younger, don't really know how to engage/connect with the kids. Maybe it is because they don't see them as often? But, we communicate engage better with his parents too, so I think they are warm and wonderful people and while mine are wonderful, warm is not a word anyone would use to describe them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t disagree, it I think what’s compounding it is that parenting in this day in age is so very different than when they were first parents.

+1
I had kids at 25. My parents weren’t more in touch then, either.

Same.

My mom had me (her oldest child) at 27 and I had my first child at 24, so my mom became a grandmother at 51. She still was "out of touch."

My MIL was about 5 years old (56 when my child was born) but my Dh's older sister had a child 4 years earlier, so my MIL was a grandmother at 52. Also "out of touch."

[Anonymous]

I am mid 30s and have 2 kids 3.5 years apart. Sometimes I can't remember exactly how things went with my first and have forgotten some things. I don't expect to remember much of anything more than a blur 30-40 years from now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am mid 30s and have 2 kids 3.5 years apart. Sometimes I can't remember exactly how things went with my first and have forgotten some things. I don't expect to remember much of anything more than a blur 30-40 years from now.

I don't think that's surprising to not remember things 5-10 years later let alone 40 yrs later BUT the problem with these grandparents is that instead of saying - hmm I don't exactly remember, it's been a long time, what are your friends doing with their kids or what did kid's dr say - the grandmas will be all INSISTENT in their WRONG recollection. I mean in my family apparently no one EVER remembers their kid napping after age 1. You should hear how the grandmas/great aunts etc. talk about 3 yr olds who need a nap - to hear them tell it they're lazy bums who will never get off their asses or hold down a job because napping at age 3 shows how lazy, slow, and stupid they are . . . . And in reality it's because grandkid naps in the middle of the day, which are prioritized by their parents, disrupts the grandparents' vacation plans - they can't bully their kids to go out midafternoon when the parents are like nope we are headed back to the house bc this kid will be a bear if he doesn't sleep for an hour.

[Anonymous]

I think it is also because people had more kids so the age difference between the youngest child and the oldest grandchild was much shorter. It is also exposure, people don’t live in the same places as their siblings and are not around varying ages of children all the time.

[Anonymous]

I think part of it is just at the upper ages for grandparents there starts to be really big splits based on cognitive and physical decline. No one has had a baby in their 20s in my family since the turn of the century (it's weird. My father was a second born child in the 50s to 44 and 56 year old parents) and 30s has always been the norm. My grandparents were at least in their early 70s when I (first grandchild) was born to mid-30s parents and there were HUGE differences between what 75 looked like. I had one grandmother who was super energetic, healthy, fit, and very helpful and another who was totally over the grandparent thing before it even started. And she seemed SO OLD even though she was similar age to other grandma.

My parents are early 70s and just spent 14 days taking care of my 1 and 3 year old niece and nephew so my brother and his wife could chill in Hawaii and they were like, 'we got this!" and did a bangup job, but that is something that would be totally beyond some of their friends that are less mobile, cognitively there, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:God yes. My MIL has all these bizarre romanticized ideas about her kids and what an awesome parent she was. She even commented that my daughters crying was so very much louder than her sons’ polite noises. Her kids never fought, not a once. Everything was amaze balls. It’s amazing because she’s incompetent, filthy, undisciplined and disorganized so, mind blown that she had these dream children.

My MIL was the same way, she has since been diagnosed with dementia.

My husband has very negative memories of certain things/actions/situations/people that she ABSOLUTELY refused to recognize because it conflicts with the romanticized version of her role as a "perfect" mother.

Good times, good times.

Same here. My MIL and DH remember his childhood very differently. She thinks she was the perfect mom while he tells me stories that clearly negatively affect him still. My MIL is still extremely judgmental but then acts like a wounded animal any time you say anything that could be construed as critical to her.

[Anonymous]

Some of it is personality. When they were little, we had 1/4 grandparents who really understood and could relate to little kids. She was great with them. Fast forward ten years and she doesn’t relate at all to them as teenagers and wishes they were still little. A different grandparent does better with the teens.

Thinking of my childhood, I don’t remember my grandparents being involved with us at all. It wasn’t about age. Everything wasn’t so child focused then.