I think grandparents are out of touch now because a lot of us waited so long to have kids

[Anonymous]

This occurred to me earlier today. My parents and ILs are not great grandparents, just really bad with our kids and very out of touch with what kids are like in general as well as the prevailing parenting wisdom. But I think it's just that too much time has past since they had kids and they are just too out of it. They don't really remember their own kids' childhoods (but kind of think they do) and so many of their expectations are based either on super outdated ideas or on what their friends/siblings have told them (much of which are just plain false -- lots of grandparents out there are straight up lying about their grandkids, especially on Facebook!).

But we had our kids in our late 30s, plus we are younger children ourselves so our parents were in their 30s when they had us. So now all the grandparents are in their 70, several are experience serious mental decline, plus obviously they are physically less able to help or be involved than they would have been 20 years ago.

This isn't a judgement on having kids late. My DH and I married in our mid-30s, and wanted to buy a home and pay down school debt before having kids. I have zero regrets about any of those choices -- they were the right ones for us and were partially dictated by the way the world works now. We were not raised to get married straight out of high school or college and of course that pushes the timeline back. Plus as a woman, I was just really encouraged to be independent, focus on my career, get an education, etc. Not to have babies at 25. So I didn't.

But part of the consequence is that there is just a bigger gap and I think that has led to lower quality relationships between my parents and my kids, plus a more intense squeeze on my DH and I in terms of raising young kids while also caring for aging parents. Not sure I'd advise my kids to do it differently, but it's something I will keep in mind as they grow up. I think we have to have more realistic expectations of grandparents when they are 75 as opposed to 55. It's a very different experience at that age.

[Anonymous]

Well said, OP. Plus, parents are living longer, so there is a whole lot more sandwiching going on in general, exacerbating the issue.

[Anonymous]

More involved grandparents is one of the benefits of having kids younger.

[Anonymous]

Well all 4 of mine were 60 and newly retired/soon to be retired when we had our kids. And ours will be the only grandchildren on both sides. We're suffocated and constant demands really strain us. They aren't helpful because they want to enjoy their retirement, but on the same time, they want grandchildren to put on a command performance. They want crazy travel with us and the grandchildren. They have time to host massive christmases when DH and I are burnt out and want small christmases. It's just hard. It's like they all have way too much time on their hands.

[Anonymous]

I have seen this in action - my mom was in her 50’s when my brother had kids and in her 70’s when I had my last one. I do hope my kids have kids earlier as I would like to be able to support them more but I will respect whatever decisions they make.

[Anonymous]

I don’t disagree, it I think what’s compounding it is that parenting in this day in age is so very different than when they were first parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More involved grandparents is one of the benefits of having kids younger.

Yes and no. If you have kids younger, the grandparents are likely to still be working, not retired, so less available to help/visit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More involved grandparents is one of the benefits of having kids younger.

Unless your parents suck. Right now I am really grateful that my mom will probably be demented by the time my kids are old enough to figure out what a !?!/$ she is.

[Anonymous]

Yes I experienced this. My parents were 30 and 34 when I was born, and I was 40 when my daughter was born, so they were in their 70s from day one. My mom developed dementia when my daughter was a toddler. My inlaws are a few years younger than my parents so they were pretty involved until DD turned 5 but then their age started to show a lot and has negatively impacted the relationship (largely b/c they don't want to travel to see us and don't have the energy for DD when we travel to visit their home). To compound matters our parents were very strict/old school and we are very progressive and non-authoritarian. It's hard. I just hope that DH and I age well so that it's less of a problem for our kid if she chooses to have kids.

[Anonymous]

I have seen in both ways, with my young parents toward my nieces and nephews and my old parents toward my kids.

I just take notes on how I want to be as a grandparent!

[Anonymous]

I've had this conversation with several friends about how our kids grandparents have completely unreasonable expectations and flat out don't remember what age their kids were when they learned various skills and concepts. Things the grandparents were surprised my 4 year old doesn't grasp over Thanksgiving weekend:

How much $2 is (like she knows what 2 is, and she vaguely understands what money is, but has no idea what you could buy with $2).

Spelling--they know she can't read yet, but how is it that she can't do a word search effortlessly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More involved grandparents is one of the benefits of having kids younger.

Yes and no. If you have kids younger, the grandparents are likely to still be working, not retired, so less available to help/visit.

+1 My grandmother had my mom at 25 and then my mom had her oldest kid at 26. But my grandfather worked a demanding job on the opposite coast until I was born seven years after my sister was, so they missed a lot for all my older siblings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More involved grandparents is one of the benefits of having kids younger.

Yes and no. If you have kids younger, the grandparents are likely to still be working, not retired, so less available to help/visit.

+1 My grandmother had my mom at 25 and then my mom had her oldest kid at 26. But my grandfather worked a demanding job on the opposite coast until I was born seven years after my sister was, so they missed a lot for all my older siblings.

Yes, a huge aspect of the grandparent experience is class. I think a lot of the expectations around what a grandparent experience will be are based on the idea of women being SAHMs. I actually think this is where a lot of the pressure to have kids can come from in some families -- mom is a SAHM and when empty nesting hits her hard, she starts asking for grandkids to fill the void. In this setup, the fact that grandpa is still working is irrelevant. The idea is that grandma is still young enough to be very helpful and involved AND is suddenly finding herself with a lot of time on her hands. I think back when people used to have kids in their 20s, this was part of that rhythm.

But all of that implies a single earner family, and also assumes that people remain in close proximity to their parents when they have kids. If everyone is working, it's just never going to work out this way because no one has time, plus people are tied to their jobs and may not be able to be as picky about where they live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t disagree, it I think what’s compounding it is that parenting in this day in age is so very different than when they were first parents.

+1
I had kids at 25. My parents weren’t more in touch then, either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:More involved grandparents is one of the benefits of having kids younger.

Yes and no. If you have kids younger, the grandparents are likely to still be working, not retired, so less available to help/visit.

+1 My grandmother had my mom at 25 and then my mom had her oldest kid at 26. But my grandfather worked a demanding job on the opposite coast until I was born seven years after my sister was, so they missed a lot for all my older siblings.

Yes, a huge aspect of the grandparent experience is class. I think a lot of the expectations around what a grandparent experience will be are based on the idea of women being SAHMs. I actually think this is where a lot of the pressure to have kids can come from in some families -- mom is a SAHM and when empty nesting hits her hard, she starts asking for grandkids to fill the void. In this setup, the fact that grandpa is still working is irrelevant. The idea is that grandma is still young enough to be very helpful and involved AND is suddenly finding herself with a lot of time on her hands. I think back when people used to have kids in their 20s, this was part of that rhythm.

But all of that implies a single earner family, and also assumes that people remain in close proximity to their parents when they have kids. If everyone is working, it's just never going to work out this way because no one has time, plus people are tied to their jobs and may not be able to be as picky about where they live.

This. Most people work until they are at least 65 now (except on dcum) and many until they are 70. The working grandparents and 70+ grandparents are more likely to be more involved if they lived really close. Younger grandparents in their 50s and 60s will be more involved.