Christmas gift ideas for my kids' bio-mom...? HELP!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of these things centered around their names or birthdates would be a painful reminder. One of my relatives has a child that severed ties with her due to joining a cult and any mention of them basically sends her into a depressive tail spin. Maybe pictures that she can look at and then put away?
The answer might also differ based on whether you are bio dad, adoptive parent, foster parent, or step mom.

I am their stepmom, and I completely I get your point. The best way to explain the dynamic is that she doesn't care about having any relationship with the kids, she cares about portraying that she has a relationship with the kids - if that makes sense. She likes to post things on social media that make her look like she did all these amazing, fun things with the kids, but she had zero interest in actually doing any of those things with them. Her concern is only about how she looks to others.

Dp.

Why even bother getting her a gift when you have such a low opinion of her? Who are you trying to impress?

It's not my opinion of her, it's just the unfortunate fact that this is the situation that we are in as a result of her diagnosed mental illnesses and substance abuse issues. I have nobody to impress, I am simply trying to do something nice.

Ok, check this: stepmom here. The children’s mom has an ILLNESS that is not easily tested even under the best of circumstances, and she presumably developed an addiction after self medicating it. She doesn’t have the capacity to be a fully functioning parent right now. How DARE you call her a bio mom? That is a derogatory term even when used in the case of adoptions. She is the children’s *mother*. You could start with the gift of not restring her with such derision. She is sick.

Secondly, you could give everyone the gift of therapy from an addiction aware, trauma informed therapist. If the kids are so estranged from her, they are likely internalizing her addiction as a *choice* and they are marry with her for not choosing them. That is unhealthy for them and can cause huge issues as they grow up.

Thirdly…if you stalk her on social media enough to know what she posts, maybe you know something that interests her? The gifts with the names and initials of her kids feel cruel to me, like you are needling her for what she doesn’t have.

Not easily *treated*; sorry for typos

Hey, sorry, PP again. I read your later follow ups and I am sorry for being so harsh in tone. The substance of my response I still stand by, but I was unfairly bi**hy. You sound like you are trying so hard. Can you think of something she might like, just for her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of these things centered around their names or birthdates would be a painful reminder. One of my relatives has a child that severed ties with her due to joining a cult and any mention of them basically sends her into a depressive tail spin. Maybe pictures that she can look at and then put away?
The answer might also differ based on whether you are bio dad, adoptive parent, foster parent, or step mom.

I am their stepmom, and I completely I get your point. The best way to explain the dynamic is that she doesn't care about having any relationship with the kids, she cares about portraying that she has a relationship with the kids - if that makes sense. She likes to post things on social media that make her look like she did all these amazing, fun things with the kids, but she had zero interest in actually doing any of those things with them. Her concern is only about how she looks to others.

Dp.

Why even bother getting her a gift when you have such a low opinion of her? Who are you trying to impress?

It's not my opinion of her, it's just the unfortunate fact that this is the situation that we are in as a result of her diagnosed mental illnesses and substance abuse issues. I have nobody to impress, I am simply trying to do something nice.

Ok, check this: stepmom here. The children’s mom has an ILLNESS that is not easily tested even under the best of circumstances, and she presumably developed an addiction after self medicating it. She doesn’t have the capacity to be a fully functioning parent right now. How DARE you call her a bio mom? That is a derogatory term even when used in the case of adoptions. She is the children’s *mother*. You could start with the gift of not restring her with such derision. She is sick.

Secondly, you could give everyone the gift of therapy from an addiction aware, trauma informed therapist. If the kids are so estranged from her, they are likely internalizing her addiction as a *choice* and they are marry with her for not choosing them. That is unhealthy for them and can cause huge issues as they grow up.

Thirdly…if you stalk her on social media enough to know what she posts, maybe you know something that interests her? The gifts with the names and initials of her kids feel cruel to me, like you are needling her for what she doesn’t have.

Mom though adoption and step-mom. Your post is offensive. Biological Mom is a term used in adoption. OP is inappropriate to use it in the way she does but it is a normal term in adoption as is birth mom. And, I am 100% my child's mom.

Her getting the mom a gift from the kids is a lovely thing. We get our child's maternal birthfamiy gifts regularly as they do all of us (read ALL). It is a healthy thing for the kids to be a part of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of these things centered around their names or birthdates would be a painful reminder. One of my relatives has a child that severed ties with her due to joining a cult and any mention of them basically sends her into a depressive tail spin. Maybe pictures that she can look at and then put away?
The answer might also differ based on whether you are bio dad, adoptive parent, foster parent, or step mom.

I am their stepmom, and I completely I get your point. The best way to explain the dynamic is that she doesn't care about having any relationship with the kids, she cares about portraying that she has a relationship with the kids - if that makes sense. She likes to post things on social media that make her look like she did all these amazing, fun things with the kids, but she had zero interest in actually doing any of those things with them. Her concern is only about how she looks to others.

Dp.

Why even bother getting her a gift when you have such a low opinion of her? Who are you trying to impress?

It's not my opinion of her, it's just the unfortunate fact that this is the situation that we are in as a result of her diagnosed mental illnesses and substance abuse issues. I have nobody to impress, I am simply trying to do something nice.

I'm guessing that you don't see someone who is a stepmom as a "real mom?" Even if/when they're the ONLY actual moms in the kids' lives. I would think that being a mother through adoption, you would know that giving birth to a child does not make one a mother, it's the relationship with the kids and who actually ACTS as the kids' mom. Stop telling stepmoms that they're not real moms. The vast majority of them are just as much, if not more of a mother to kids than the women who birth them.

Ok, check this: stepmom here. The children’s mom has an ILLNESS that is not easily tested even under the best of circumstances, and she presumably developed an addiction after self medicating it. She doesn’t have the capacity to be a fully functioning parent right now. How DARE you call her a bio mom? That is a derogatory term even when used in the case of adoptions. She is the children’s *mother*. You could start with the gift of not restring her with such derision. She is sick.

Secondly, you could give everyone the gift of therapy from an addiction aware, trauma informed therapist. If the kids are so estranged from her, they are likely internalizing her addiction as a *choice* and they are marry with her for not choosing them. That is unhealthy for them and can cause huge issues as they grow up.

Thirdly…if you stalk her on social media enough to know what she posts, maybe you know something that interests her? The gifts with the names and initials of her kids feel cruel to me, like you are needling her for what she doesn’t have.

Mom though adoption and step-mom. Your post is offensive. Biological Mom is a term used in adoption. OP is inappropriate to use it in the way she does but it is a normal term in adoption as is birth mom. And, I am 100% my child's mom.

Her getting the mom a gift from the kids is a lovely thing. We get our child's maternal birthfamiy gifts regularly as they do all of us (read ALL). It is a healthy thing for the kids to be a part of.

[Anonymous]

Mom though adoption and step-mom. Your post is offensive. Biological Mom is a term used in adoption. OP is inappropriate to use it in the way she does but it is a normal term in adoption as is birth mom. And, I am 100% my child's mom.

Her getting the mom a gift from the kids is a lovely thing. We get our child's maternal birthfamiy gifts regularly as they do all of us (read ALL). It is a healthy thing for the kids to be a part of.

Step moms can be 100% a child's mom as well. In which case, it would be appropriate to differentiate. Being that you know a very small amount of the story, and what is posted is probably the tip of the iceberg, maybe stop telling OP and her kids what they should be labeling. It's traumatic to tell a child what they have to label someone if that's not how they feel about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of these things centered around their names or birthdates would be a painful reminder. One of my relatives has a child that severed ties with her due to joining a cult and any mention of them basically sends her into a depressive tail spin. Maybe pictures that she can look at and then put away?
The answer might also differ based on whether you are bio dad, adoptive parent, foster parent, or step mom.

I am their stepmom, and I completely I get your point. The best way to explain the dynamic is that she doesn't care about having any relationship with the kids, she cares about portraying that she has a relationship with the kids - if that makes sense. She likes to post things on social media that make her look like she did all these amazing, fun things with the kids, but she had zero interest in actually doing any of those things with them. Her concern is only about how she looks to others.

Dp.

Why even bother getting her a gift when you have such a low opinion of her? Who are you trying to impress?

Well, she did say that she gives these gifts in hopes that the mom will leave the kids alone. I kind of get it – she’s hoping that the public appearance of a relationship will be enough for the mom.

So you’re the stepmom, and married to the kids’ biodad. Do these kids have an actual adoptive mother as well, or are you just calling her the biomom because you (correctly, from your telling) think that she doesn’t deserve the title of mother? Have her parental rights actually been terminated? The vibe is very very different in an actual open adoption situation.

I've been married to their dad since they were babies and they've been living with us full-time since then, so they refer to her as their bio-mom and me as their bonus mom. It's just how we've always clarified things when dealing with teachers, doctors, therapists, etc. There's no "meaning" behind it, it's just a habit out of clarification. Her parental rights were terminated a few years ago, but she is still considered a legal guardian, she just can't make any custodial decisions or have input on custodial decisions concerning the kids.

That made me tear up! You sound like a wonderful bonus mom and they are lucky to have you!!!

[Anonymous]

Wow, I'm disgusted at a lot of the responses on this post, and astounded at how little a lot of you seem to know about family dynamics and children who grow up in abusive households and/or houses with mental illness and addiction.

None of you should be telling OP what role she plays in her family, from what it sounds like, she has been the ONLY mom in the kids for the last 3 year, likely more given what she's said about the addiction and mental health issues. As a family therapist, I see this dynamic ALL THE TIME, and there is NOTHING wrong with it.

Just because there isn't an adoption does NOT mean that she isn't "100% their mom," or that a woman is deserving of the title because she birthed the kids. The mom is the one who is a mother to the kids. End of story.

[Anonymous]

Mental illness and addiction are under appreciated catastrophes. There seems to be no helping effective treatment for so many of these patients. Just having a success small gift exchange can feel like a success or at least progress.

To me it sounds like OP is on the right track in appreciating and managing a difficult situation.

[Anonymous]

I've seen plenty of court filings and motions where the biological parent's own attorney will refer to their client as the bio-mom/dad and in court if there are step-parents who play a prevalent role in a child/children's life.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with using the term for clarification, especially if it's the kids who are the ones comfortable making the differentiation. Remember, as adults, you are not in a position to tell children how they should feel about any given person. They deserve that autonomy based on their experiences with those people and how those people make them feel. It would be abusive to force a child to call a step-parent "mom/dad" and it would be just as abusive to force a child to call their biological parent "mom/dad" if that's not how they feel about them.

[Anonymous]

Honestly OP I'd phase out the gifts. As the kids get older they can do a drawing or painting and you can send her those, if you feel like it.

I think you're making yourself beholden to this woman and there's zero guarantee she'll leave you alone. If she is mentally ill and highly unstable, her actions are going to have nothing to do with your actions, however kind or well-meaning they appear to be.

[Anonymous]

Imagine living in a world where so many different family dynamics are accepted and praised, and where we full-on encourage people to make their own families, but we still vilify step-moms, even if the "real mom" is unwilling or unable to actually mother the children. Some of the people on this thread should be ashamed of themselves. I'm guessing a lot of you must have kids with step-moms that they love and this post is bringing out a bit of your personal insecurities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I'm disgusted at a lot of the responses on this post, and astounded at how little a lot of you seem to know about family dynamics and children who grow up in abusive households and/or houses with mental illness and addiction.

None of you should be telling OP what role she plays in her family, from what it sounds like, she has been the ONLY mom in the kids for the last 3 year, likely more given what she's said about the addiction and mental health issues. As a family therapist, I see this dynamic ALL THE TIME, and there is NOTHING wrong with it.

Just because there isn't an adoption does NOT mean that she isn't "100% their mom," or that a woman is deserving of the title because she birthed the kids. The mom is the one who is a mother to the kids. End of story.

I’m sorry that you are a family therapist if you believe that the children’s mother is not truly their mother simply because she is mentally ill and has an addiction. It is such a disturbing, misogynistic view of motherhood that we most continue to eat out title, day in day out, by the ceaseless performance of parenting. Does a mother stop being a child’s mother if she dies in childbirth? Or at the children’s age 3?

No. Their mother is their mother. She is sick, addicted, and does not have the capacity to parent them. But she is their mother. Their stepmother is their mother, too, as she parents then daily. The title “bonus mother” is sweet. It is lovely that OP’s children acknowledge her as their mother, too, and that he is dependable and reliable in a wat their first mother is not. It doesn’t erase the existence of their first mother.

Similar to how death does not erase the motherhood of a first mother, even if another mother does the parenting in later years, neither should adoption. It doesn’t in any way diminish the parenting of an adoptive mother to acknowledge that a child’s first mother is a mother forever, I even if she doesn’t have the capacity to parent. Even if she loses custody. Even if she is addicted. Even if she is flawed. She is still their mother. Imperfect, flawed, sick, whatever. Still their mother. The erasure of mothers who are considered “disqualified” by illness, poverty, or other circumstances is really troubling and can cause real problems for both the children and the women stripped of their titles of mother. (I say this as a mother and as the daughter of a mother who relinquished two children to adoption.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Imagine living in a world where so many different family dynamics are accepted and praised, and where we full-on encourage people to make their own families, but we still vilify step-moms, even if the "real mom" is unwilling or unable to actually mother the children. Some of the people on this thread should be ashamed of themselves. I'm guessing a lot of you must have kids with step-moms that they love and this post is bringing out a bit of your personal insecurities.

I am a mother and a stepmother. My DSD’s mother had a lot of issues and I am 150% sure I was a better parent to her for many of the years after I met her dad, but I would never presume to diminish the title of mother from the woman who is actually her mother. I also believe that more than two people can be loving parents to a child and that no one has to tussle over the titles. I mothered her at times and I love her always and am her stepmother always. For the years that her mother was obsessed with a drunk loser who became a heroin addict and essentially ignored and neglected her daughter completely, she did not suddenly become “bio mom”. She was her mother. Troubled, obsessed, misdirected, and a terrible parent. But still mother. And now she is a much better mother because she is in a better place.

[Anonymous]

My goodness, some nasty nasty people here.

OP, I like the suggestion of baked goods. And ignore these trolls.

[Anonymous]

OP some mugs from Shutterfly with their pictures. A flash drive with pictures she can upload to FB and while you are doing that have done 4x6” printed. Very complicated situation you are facing.

[Anonymous]

I would do Christmas ornaments again perhaps with updated photos of the kids, or that represent current interests of the kids (like a soccer ball ornament for a child that plays).