Christmas gift ideas for my kids' bio-mom...? HELP!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of these things centered around their names or birthdates would be a painful reminder. One of my relatives has a child that severed ties with her due to joining a cult and any mention of them basically sends her into a depressive tail spin. Maybe pictures that she can look at and then put away?
The answer might also differ based on whether you are bio dad, adoptive parent, foster parent, or step mom.

I am their stepmom, and I completely I get your point. The best way to explain the dynamic is that she doesn't care about having any relationship with the kids, she cares about portraying that she has a relationship with the kids - if that makes sense. She likes to post things on social media that make her look like she did all these amazing, fun things with the kids, but she had zero interest in actually doing any of those things with them. Her concern is only about how she looks to others.

Dp.

Why even bother getting her a gift when you have such a low opinion of her? Who are you trying to impress?

Well, she did say that she gives these gifts in hopes that the mom will leave the kids alone. I kind of get it – she’s hoping that the public appearance of a relationship will be enough for the mom.

So you’re the stepmom, and married to the kids’ biodad. Do these kids have an actual adoptive mother as well, or are you just calling her the biomom because you (correctly, from your telling) think that she doesn’t deserve the title of mother? Have her parental rights actually been terminated? The vibe is very very different in an actual open adoption situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of these things centered around their names or birthdates would be a painful reminder. One of my relatives has a child that severed ties with her due to joining a cult and any mention of them basically sends her into a depressive tail spin. Maybe pictures that she can look at and then put away?
The answer might also differ based on whether you are bio dad, adoptive parent, foster parent, or step mom.

I am their stepmom, and I completely I get your point. The best way to explain the dynamic is that she doesn't care about having any relationship with the kids, she cares about portraying that she has a relationship with the kids - if that makes sense. She likes to post things on social media that make her look like she did all these amazing, fun things with the kids, but she had zero interest in actually doing any of those things with them. Her concern is only about how she looks to others.

Dp.

Why even bother getting her a gift when you have such a low opinion of her? Who are you trying to impress?

It's not my opinion of her, it's just the unfortunate fact that this is the situation that we are in as a result of her diagnosed mental illnesses and substance abuse issues. I have nobody to impress, I am simply trying to do something nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of these things centered around their names or birthdates would be a painful reminder. One of my relatives has a child that severed ties with her due to joining a cult and any mention of them basically sends her into a depressive tail spin. Maybe pictures that she can look at and then put away?
The answer might also differ based on whether you are bio dad, adoptive parent, foster parent, or step mom.

I am their stepmom, and I completely I get your point. The best way to explain the dynamic is that she doesn't care about having any relationship with the kids, she cares about portraying that she has a relationship with the kids - if that makes sense. She likes to post things on social media that make her look like she did all these amazing, fun things with the kids, but she had zero interest in actually doing any of those things with them. Her concern is only about how she looks to others.

Dp.

Why even bother getting her a gift when you have such a low opinion of her? Who are you trying to impress?

Well, she did say that she gives these gifts in hopes that the mom will leave the kids alone. I kind of get it – she’s hoping that the public appearance of a relationship will be enough for the mom.

So you’re the stepmom, and married to the kids’ biodad. Do these kids have an actual adoptive mother as well, or are you just calling her the biomom because you (correctly, from your telling) think that she doesn’t deserve the title of mother? Have her parental rights actually been terminated? The vibe is very very different in an actual open adoption situation.

I've been married to their dad since they were babies and they've been living with us full-time since then, so they refer to her as their bio-mom and me as their bonus mom. It's just how we've always clarified things when dealing with teachers, doctors, therapists, etc. There's no "meaning" behind it, it's just a habit out of clarification. Her parental rights were terminated a few years ago, but she is still considered a legal guardian, she just can't make any custodial decisions or have input on custodial decisions concerning the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of these things centered around their names or birthdates would be a painful reminder. One of my relatives has a child that severed ties with her due to joining a cult and any mention of them basically sends her into a depressive tail spin. Maybe pictures that she can look at and then put away?
The answer might also differ based on whether you are bio dad, adoptive parent, foster parent, or step mom.

I am their stepmom, and I completely I get your point. The best way to explain the dynamic is that she doesn't care about having any relationship with the kids, she cares about portraying that she has a relationship with the kids - if that makes sense. She likes to post things on social media that make her look like she did all these amazing, fun things with the kids, but she had zero interest in actually doing any of those things with them. Her concern is only about how she looks to others.

Dp.

Why even bother getting her a gift when you have such a low opinion of her? Who are you trying to impress?

Well, she did say that she gives these gifts in hopes that the mom will leave the kids alone. I kind of get it – she’s hoping that the public appearance of a relationship will be enough for the mom.

So you’re the stepmom, and married to the kids’ biodad. Do these kids have an actual adoptive mother as well, or are you just calling her the biomom because you (correctly, from your telling) think that she doesn’t deserve the title of mother? Have her parental rights actually been terminated? The vibe is very very different in an actual open adoption situation.

I've been married to their dad since they were babies and they've been living with us full-time since then, so they refer to her as their bio-mom and me as their bonus mom. It's just how we've always clarified things when dealing with teachers, doctors, therapists, etc. There's no "meaning" behind it, it's just a habit out of clarification. Her parental rights were terminated a few years ago, but she is still considered a legal guardian, she just can't make any custodial decisions or have input on custodial decisions concerning the kids.

Thanks, that clarifies a lot. Given your situation, I think you’re smart to be piling on the external signifiers of connection. It’s a bit cynical for you to think that it is all about how it looks to others, rather than perhaps her clinging to the superficial level of connection that she is capable of, given her illnesses. But you certainly know her better than I, random stranger, do! The more you can reassure her that she doesn’t have to hold on tight, hopefully the easier it will make it for her to give them space.

I like the idea of something with pictures of the kids - https://www.etsy.com/listing/744905208/ or something. If she is all about showing off, that’s very public, and if it’s meaningful to her for other reasons, it works too.

It sounds like you’re making the best of a tough situation. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

There's nothing wrong with repeating gifts - you could do different baked goods each year.

[Anonymous]

Go to JCP on a Groupon - you can get 3 digital pictures or other packages for really cheap and get their photos done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could you take a piece of art each of them drew and have them turned into something like dish towels? The kids don’t need to draw a picture specifically for this purpose, just grab one from the art pile.

+1 She will easily be able to take pics of them and post them, which further enhances her ego. I don't mean that in a bad way, just that you want a gift that will help her from turning on you or your kids, OP. Anything that validates her perception of herself and how she portrays herself to the world is a good thing in this case.

[Anonymous]

A few thoughts:

- coffee cups with pictures of the kids
- painted ceramics (then glazed) "made" by the kids with their handprints or thumbprints or something similar. With my kids we made and decorated plates, platters and bowls for grandparents, aunts and uncles. We used little fingerprints to make caterpillars, fishes, poodles, cats faces, etc. We have used handprints on big platters. You'll need to get a move on for this idea though because it takes a while for the store place to get them glazed.
- canvas bags (like from LL Bean or Lands' End) with handprints and the kids names
- electronic photo cubes that rotates through a series of pictures (Amazon)
- calendar with pictures of the kids for each month (Kinkos, Shutterfly)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of these things centered around their names or birthdates would be a painful reminder. One of my relatives has a child that severed ties with her due to joining a cult and any mention of them basically sends her into a depressive tail spin. Maybe pictures that she can look at and then put away?
The answer might also differ based on whether you are bio dad, adoptive parent, foster parent, or step mom.

I am their stepmom, and I completely I get your point. The best way to explain the dynamic is that she doesn't care about having any relationship with the kids, she cares about portraying that she has a relationship with the kids - if that makes sense. She likes to post things on social media that make her look like she did all these amazing, fun things with the kids, but she had zero interest in actually doing any of those things with them. Her concern is only about how she looks to others.

I would get a lawyer and get her out of all our lives!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of these things centered around their names or birthdates would be a painful reminder. One of my relatives has a child that severed ties with her due to joining a cult and any mention of them basically sends her into a depressive tail spin. Maybe pictures that she can look at and then put away?
The answer might also differ based on whether you are bio dad, adoptive parent, foster parent, or step mom.

I am their stepmom, and I completely I get your point. The best way to explain the dynamic is that she doesn't care about having any relationship with the kids, she cares about portraying that she has a relationship with the kids - if that makes sense. She likes to post things on social media that make her look like she did all these amazing, fun things with the kids, but she had zero interest in actually doing any of those things with them. Her concern is only about how she looks to others.

I would get a lawyer and get her out of all our lives!

Her parental rights were terminated, so legally they are largely set. Read the whole thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I need some ideas/inspiration for my kids' bio-mom for Christmas. They basically severed ties with her a little less than 3 years ago due to trauma and abuse, and in an effort to keep the peace and let her feel some level of inclusion, I have been making her gifts for Mother's Days and Christmases during that time.

There are substance abuse and mental health issues, so I almost need to walk on eggshells so that she doesn't take the gift as a dig (there's a lot of paranoia and overly reading into things that happen on her end).

In the past, I've made baked goods, etched glass with the kids' names and birth dates, a pillowcase with their names, keychains with their birth flowers and names, and hand-painted ornaments in the shapes of their initials. Any suggestions for Christmas gifts this year would be MUCH appreciated!

**I know that some may feel that I shouldn't do anything for her, so before that is said, I just want to explain that I do it because I don't want her to push relationships/visits/communication with the kids that they are not ready for or open to. My goal is to keep her happy enough that she gives them their space to heal until they decide that they want to pursue a relationship with her.

This HAS to be a troll. “Thanks for traumatizing and abusing my kids. Merry Christmas!”

[Anonymous]

Get her gourmet food items. Fancy cookies etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I need some ideas/inspiration for my kids' bio-mom for Christmas. They basically severed ties with her a little less than 3 years ago due to trauma and abuse, and in an effort to keep the peace and let her feel some level of inclusion, I have been making her gifts for Mother's Days and Christmases during that time.

There are substance abuse and mental health issues, so I almost need to walk on eggshells so that she doesn't take the gift as a dig (there's a lot of paranoia and overly reading into things that happen on her end).

In the past, I've made baked goods, etched glass with the kids' names and birth dates, a pillowcase with their names, keychains with their birth flowers and names, and hand-painted ornaments in the shapes of their initials. Any suggestions for Christmas gifts this year would be MUCH appreciated!

**I know that some may feel that I shouldn't do anything for her, so before that is said, I just want to explain that I do it because I don't want her to push relationships/visits/communication with the kids that they are not ready for or open to. My goal is to keep her happy enough that she gives them their space to heal until they decide that they want to pursue a relationship with her.

This HAS to be a troll. “Thanks for traumatizing and abusing my kids. Merry Christmas!”

You've clearly never dealt with a custody battle with a narcissist if this is how you're looking at it. Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of these things centered around their names or birthdates would be a painful reminder. One of my relatives has a child that severed ties with her due to joining a cult and any mention of them basically sends her into a depressive tail spin. Maybe pictures that she can look at and then put away?
The answer might also differ based on whether you are bio dad, adoptive parent, foster parent, or step mom.

I am their stepmom, and I completely I get your point. The best way to explain the dynamic is that she doesn't care about having any relationship with the kids, she cares about portraying that she has a relationship with the kids - if that makes sense. She likes to post things on social media that make her look like she did all these amazing, fun things with the kids, but she had zero interest in actually doing any of those things with them. Her concern is only about how she looks to others.

Dp.

Why even bother getting her a gift when you have such a low opinion of her? Who are you trying to impress?

It's not my opinion of her, it's just the unfortunate fact that this is the situation that we are in as a result of her diagnosed mental illnesses and substance abuse issues. I have nobody to impress, I am simply trying to do something nice.

Ok, check this: stepmom here. The children’s mom has an ILLNESS that is not easily tested even under the best of circumstances, and she presumably developed an addiction after self medicating it. She doesn’t have the capacity to be a fully functioning parent right now. How DARE you call her a bio mom? That is a derogatory term even when used in the case of adoptions. She is the children’s *mother*. You could start with the gift of not restring her with such derision. She is sick.

Secondly, you could give everyone the gift of therapy from an addiction aware, trauma informed therapist. If the kids are so estranged from her, they are likely internalizing her addiction as a *choice* and they are marry with her for not choosing them. That is unhealthy for them and can cause huge issues as they grow up.

Thirdly…if you stalk her on social media enough to know what she posts, maybe you know something that interests her? The gifts with the names and initials of her kids feel cruel to me, like you are needling her for what she doesn’t have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like most of these things centered around their names or birthdates would be a painful reminder. One of my relatives has a child that severed ties with her due to joining a cult and any mention of them basically sends her into a depressive tail spin. Maybe pictures that she can look at and then put away?
The answer might also differ based on whether you are bio dad, adoptive parent, foster parent, or step mom.

I am their stepmom, and I completely I get your point. The best way to explain the dynamic is that she doesn't care about having any relationship with the kids, she cares about portraying that she has a relationship with the kids - if that makes sense. She likes to post things on social media that make her look like she did all these amazing, fun things with the kids, but she had zero interest in actually doing any of those things with them. Her concern is only about how she looks to others.

Dp.

Why even bother getting her a gift when you have such a low opinion of her? Who are you trying to impress?

It's not my opinion of her, it's just the unfortunate fact that this is the situation that we are in as a result of her diagnosed mental illnesses and substance abuse issues. I have nobody to impress, I am simply trying to do something nice.

Ok, check this: stepmom here. The children’s mom has an ILLNESS that is not easily tested even under the best of circumstances, and she presumably developed an addiction after self medicating it. She doesn’t have the capacity to be a fully functioning parent right now. How DARE you call her a bio mom? That is a derogatory term even when used in the case of adoptions. She is the children’s *mother*. You could start with the gift of not restring her with such derision. She is sick.

Secondly, you could give everyone the gift of therapy from an addiction aware, trauma informed therapist. If the kids are so estranged from her, they are likely internalizing her addiction as a *choice* and they are marry with her for not choosing them. That is unhealthy for them and can cause huge issues as they grow up.

Thirdly…if you stalk her on social media enough to know what she posts, maybe you know something that interests her? The gifts with the names and initials of her kids feel cruel to me, like you are needling her for what she doesn’t have.

Not easily *treated*; sorry for typos