Jealous of friends who can go on kid free vacations

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel the same.

I saw my SIL for thanksgiving and spontaneiously burst in to tears when she was talking about a trip to napa valley with her girl friends and then a trip to seattle with her DH a few weeks later.

I am typically not emotional or a crier and was really taken aback by my own response as weird as that sounds.

I have not had more than 90 mins away from my kids (and this has been maybe 4 times to grocery shop, I typically order otherwise) in almost 2 years. I tried to get my haircut in March and got called home before it was my turn in the chair.

In two years. You can leave your kids with their Dad while you grocery shop or get a hair cut.

But, many of us have never had a break or trip as a couple without kids. Eventually they will go to college or that is our plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personal life choices.

You think OP CHOSE to have her parents in poor health?

OP chose to have children. Aging parents is not difficult to predict.

OP is just venting. Many people choose to have kids and/or have aging parents and still go off on adults only vacations. She isn't in that group of people (who also chose to have kids). Its OK to vent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And, now we get to why a lot of people are limiting how many children they have.

People expect you to be able to afford to have a nanny or just shut up.
OK.

Yup. We stopped at one for this reason. People expect your family to be able to be completely self-contained, even when they are very small and need so much. It's exhausting and as people who cannot and will not ever be able to afford to just pay people a full time salary to help, we had to stop. If we'd had our first when we were younger, we could have had a second with a big age gap (6 years), but we couldn't afford to have kids before our mid-30s to begin with.

Many people are fully in the "only rich people deserve children" camp at this point, and that's not going to work out well for society in the long run. But people are short sighted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And, now we get to why a lot of people are limiting how many children they have.

People expect you to be able to afford to have a nanny or just shut up.
OK.

Yup. We stopped at one for this reason. People expect your family to be able to be completely self-contained, even when they are very small and need so much. It's exhausting and as people who cannot and will not ever be able to afford to just pay people a full time salary to help, we had to stop. If we'd had our first when we were younger, we could have had a second with a big age gap (6 years), but we couldn't afford to have kids before our mid-30s to begin with.

Many people are fully in the "only rich people deserve children" camp at this point, and that's not going to work out well for society in the long run. But people are short sighted.

Life is about choices. You can afford two but you may not be able to do as much for two as one, like fully paying for college. However, the discussion is about family watching kids so parents can go on vacation alone and that has less to do with money than it does family. Many of us don't have grandparents who can help or willing. My parents will not. My mom is so nasty to me and has never helped but will help others in a heart beat. I was in the hospital and she wouldn't help. When I have medical appointments (have some serious health issues), I had to bring my child if my spouse couldn't take off. She wouldn't help even for an hour. Thankfully the doctors were generally really good about it but child just sat in a stroller with a tablet.

I cannot even imagine doing something like leaving my child for a vacation as we'd want to take them. My grandparents took us every holiday and summers. So, its pretty surprising how much help my parents got and they cannot even help an hour.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personal life choices.

You think OP CHOSE to have her parents in poor health?

Presumably OP chose a career path that doesn't allow for nannies. That's a valid life choice, but a life choice.

OP also chose to have children.

OMG. Please stop acting like people who were born rich or with hyper involved parents did anything to deserve it. They are just lucky. I’m fact the ones I know with the extremely involved parents are quite incompetent parents themselves and somehow seem proud of their laziness.

+1. The ones I know with involved parents become so used to the extra help that it’s multiple times a week, weekends away every month, to the point where they slowly become incapable of independently parenting their kids.

+2 My brother and his wife are like this. I honestly don’t think either one has been alone with their 11 month old ever. Two sets of retired local grandparents. They go away, they go out, etc. I have twins, and everyone was scared to take care of baby/toddler twins, no local family at the time, no nanny, and DH who traveled and worked constantly. I love my kids but I am definitely bitter that it was so hard for me and they don’t realize their luck/good fortune.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And, now we get to why a lot of people are limiting how many children they have.

People expect you to be able to afford to have a nanny or just shut up.
OK.

Yup. We stopped at one for this reason. People expect your family to be able to be completely self-contained, even when they are very small and need so much. It's exhausting and as people who cannot and will not ever be able to afford to just pay people a full time salary to help, we had to stop. If we'd had our first when we were younger, we could have had a second with a big age gap (6 years), but we couldn't afford to have kids before our mid-30s to begin with.

Many people are fully in the "only rich people deserve children" camp at this point, and that's not going to work out well for society in the long run. But people are short sighted.

Life is about choices. You can afford two but you may not be able to do as much for two as one, like fully paying for college. However, the discussion is about family watching kids so parents can go on vacation alone and that has less to do with money than it does family. Many of us don't have grandparents who can help or willing. My parents will not. My mom is so nasty to me and has never helped but will help others in a heart beat. I was in the hospital and she wouldn't help. When I have medical appointments (have some serious health issues), I had to bring my child if my spouse couldn't take off. She wouldn't help even for an hour. Thankfully the doctors were generally really good about it but child just sat in a stroller with a tablet.

I cannot even imagine doing something like leaving my child for a vacation as we'd want to take them. My grandparents took us every holiday and summers. So, its pretty surprising how much help my parents got and they cannot even help an hour.

My parents were similar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I should say up front: I love my kids, I love my life, and I know I generally have it very good. I’m grateful for all my good fortune.

That said, one thing I do lack is any real family support with my kids. My own parents are in poor health and my husband’s family either doesn’t live nearby or can’t/won’t help with the kids for other reasons. Obviously, this is fine, they’re my kids and I’m responsible for them. I don’t expect anyone else to be. But man, I can’t help but think how nice it would be to have family who was able and interested in watching my kids sometimes..

I have a friend who has an abundance of family support. Her own parents and her husband’s parents are all nearby, retired but relatively healthy, and very happy to help out with her kids. Both sets of grandparents are divorced and remarried so there are four (4!) sets of capable, loving adult family members all clamoring to watch her kids. What a dream! She and her husband are going to Mexico by themselves for a week and I am truly jealous. I’ve always been pretty content so real jealously is not a feeling I have often, but man, an adults only tropical vacation is my wildest dream right now. ! don’t think I’ll get an extended break from my kids like that until they’re all old enough to go to sleep away camp, which seems so far away.

Just venting, no real point to this. I hope everyone with helpful grandparents knows how great they have it!

I hear you OP, I am bitter and angry at my parents for not being involved and I’m bitter and angry at my FIL too. But alas, I try to just let things go, enjoy the fleeting time with my immediate family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And, now we get to why a lot of people are limiting how many children they have.

People expect you to be able to afford to have a nanny or just shut up.
OK.

Yup. We stopped at one for this reason. People expect your family to be able to be completely self-contained, even when they are very small and need so much. It's exhausting and as people who cannot and will not ever be able to afford to just pay people a full time salary to help, we had to stop. If we'd had our first when we were younger, we could have had a second with a big age gap (6 years), but we couldn't afford to have kids before our mid-30s to begin with.

Many people are fully in the "only rich people deserve children" camp at this point, and that's not going to work out well for society in the long run. But people are short sighted.

Life is about choices. You can afford two but you may not be able to do as much for two as one, like fully paying for college. However, the discussion is about family watching kids so parents can go on vacation alone and that has less to do with money than it does family. Many of us don't have grandparents who can help or willing. My parents will not. My mom is so nasty to me and has never helped but will help others in a heart beat. I was in the hospital and she wouldn't help. When I have medical appointments (have some serious health issues), I had to bring my child if my spouse couldn't take off. She wouldn't help even for an hour. Thankfully the doctors were generally really good about it but child just sat in a stroller with a tablet.

I cannot even imagine doing something like leaving my child for a vacation as we'd want to take them. My grandparents took us every holiday and summers. So, its pretty surprising how much help my parents got and they cannot even help an hour.

My parents were similar.

Same with DH’s parents! They had 2 sets of grandparents and 6 aunts/uncles fighting to care for DH and his brother growing up. I think the ILs have babysat their grandkids twice in 10 years.
On the flip side my mother (who is 10 years older than my ILs) told me her parents offered 0 support so she made it a point to help me with my kids until she was too old to do so.

[Anonymous]

We have some close friends but none that I could imagine wanting to take our kids for multiple days. The best we can get is trading a night out occasionally.

[Anonymous]

We don’t have parents or relatives able or nearby to help us but pre-covid, my best friend always stayed with the kids for weekends away. She’s their Godmother without children and the cool aunt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personal life choices.

You think OP CHOSE to have her parents in poor health?

Presumably OP chose a career path that doesn't allow for nannies. That's a valid life choice, but a life choice.

OP also chose to have children.

OMG. Please stop acting like people who were born rich or with hyper involved parents did anything to deserve it. They are just lucky. I’m fact the ones I know with the extremely involved parents are quite incompetent parents themselves and somehow seem proud of their laziness.

Who's talking about born rich? I was born poor and worked my tail off to be able to afford a nanny. Again, life choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I should say up front: I love my kids, I love my life, and I know I generally have it very good. I’m grateful for all my good fortune.

That said, one thing I do lack is any real family support with my kids. My own parents are in poor health and my husband’s family either doesn’t live nearby or can’t/won’t help with the kids for other reasons. Obviously, this is fine, they’re my kids and I’m responsible for them. I don’t expect anyone else to be. But man, I can’t help but think how nice it would be to have family who was able and interested in watching my kids sometimes..

I have a friend who has an abundance of family support. Her own parents and her husband’s parents are all nearby, retired but relatively healthy, and very happy to help out with her kids. Both sets of grandparents are divorced and remarried so there are four (4!) sets of capable, loving adult family members all clamoring to watch her kids. What a dream! She and her husband are going to Mexico by themselves for a week and I am truly jealous. I’ve always been pretty content so real jealously is not a feeling I have often, but man, an adults only tropical vacation is my wildest dream right now. ! don’t think I’ll get an extended break from my kids like that until they’re all old enough to go to sleep away camp, which seems so far away.

Just venting, no real point to this. I hope everyone with helpful grandparents knows how great they have it!

There is a point and it is that you are a self-centered Horse's patoot. Memories are made of vacations and holidays spent with your children.

[Anonymous]

We're extremely fortunate- and definitely know it - to have both my parents and DH's parents local. They'll take the kids for date night a couple of times a month and weekend overnighters a 2-3x a year. My dad still works though, so the few times we've gone on week long trips without the kids, used our trusted sitter. I have no regrets and if we had no local grandparents or ones that preferred not to provide care - as is their right- I would haveno issue using the sitter. Love my kids but time with DH and our marriage is a priority too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear you OP. I am not even sure I’d want to travel without my DC because I think I’d miss them too much. But I do sometimes envy my friends with younger, more healthy parents because of the way they are able to be involved in their kids lives. Including, yes, overnights at grandmas and that kind of thing. I would appreciate the free childcare of course— who wouldn’t? But the bigger thing is the idea of having more people invested in and involved in my child’s life. Especially since we are unable to have another. When I see grandparents doting on, playing with, or just showing real knowledge of their grandkids, it is heartwarming and also gives me a pang. I know my child would love that but it’s just not part of the family we have. It makes me sad.

OP here. I think you hit on an important part of it that I didn’t really articulate. The free childcare would be lovely but I think it’s the idea of having so many loving, capable family members around that are invested in and can be a real part of my children’s lives. We love my parents but because of their health we usually see them for short visits, and always with me or my husband there. My kids will never have the time and space to build a truly deep bond with them, I fear. Looking at my friend with the eight actively involved grandparents makes me so wish my kids had that.

And yeah, the kid free vacations sound nice too. But reading suggestions here from others about leaving the kids with nanny or a close friend made me realize I wouldn’t even want to do that. It’s something specific about that special time with grandparents. I would so love to be able to go on vacation and know my kids are having a genuinely enriching visit with their grandparents, rather than just having passable childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Personal life choices.

You think OP CHOSE to have her parents in poor health?

OP chose to have children. Aging parents is not difficult to predict.

OP again, I am happy with my major life choices and I would make them all again. This is a pretty minor thing in the scheme of things, just something that was on my mind today. I tried to make clear in the original post that I’m grateful, I know what I signed up for, and don’t expect anything from anyone. But wouldn’t it be nice if, is all.