I don't want to spend holidays with my in-laws - ever

[Anonymous]

I hope in all these years, you or your husband asked WHY they didn't want to make time for you outside of Holidays. I hope you pointed out how strange and unusual it was for them to live so close (my parents in live in Europe, my aunts live in Asia, and until recently, another aunt lived in the Middle East) yet never want to see you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I hope in all these years, you or your husband asked WHY they didn't want to make time for you outside of Holidays. I hope you pointed out how strange and unusual it was for them to live so close (my parents in live in Europe, my aunts live in Asia, and until recently, another aunt lived in the Middle East) yet never want to see you.

Yes, we have. And we've always received reassurances that it's not that they don't want to see us but they made plans. It's not that they don't want to see us but so-and-so expects to hang out for such-and-such. It's not that they don't love us but they made a commitment to do this and that. It's not that they don't care about quality time, but they have to think about quality time with so many (they have four grandkids, three of them are ours).

One of the saddest things about being in this situation is the feeling that we are being gaslighted. Oh there's nothing wrong, we just don't want to see you until it's holiday time and we can post the pics on FB. The other sad part are the insinuations - and I'm sure you don't mean it this way, PP - that somehow DH and I are deserving of our in-laws' rejection. We aren't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get it OP. You know the holidays are the one time your in-laws prioritize. You would like more time. So your reaction to wanting more time is to ... cancel the holidays? I agree that you're perfectly within your rights not to have every holiday with your in laws. But it seems needlessly petty and aggressive to cancel ALL holidays, especially since you're apparently just spending them with friends and not with your own family.

Is this really in the best interests of your kids as well?

DRINK! You are the problem OP, not your in laws.

DRINK! Your in laws are your "real family" not the friends who have become family. Even though your in laws treat you like poop.

DRINK! What about the KIDS?!?!?!?!?!?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I hope in all these years, you or your husband asked WHY they didn't want to make time for you outside of Holidays. I hope you pointed out how strange and unusual it was for them to live so close (my parents in live in Europe, my aunts live in Asia, and until recently, another aunt lived in the Middle East) yet never want to see you.

Yes, we have. And we've always received reassurances that it's not that they don't want to see us but they made plans. It's not that they don't want to see us but so-and-so expects to hang out for such-and-such. It's not that they don't love us but they made a commitment to do this and that. It's not that they don't care about quality time, but they have to think about quality time with so many (they have four grandkids, three of them are ours).

One of the saddest things about being in this situation is the feeling that we are being gaslighted. Oh there's nothing wrong, we just don't want to see you until it's holiday time and we can post the pics on FB. The other sad part are the insinuations - and I'm sure you don't mean it this way, PP - that somehow DH and I are deserving of our in-laws' rejection. We aren't.

I’m honestly confused about your rationale here. You’re mad that they don’t want to see you enough so you’re not going to see them at all? What does your husband say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get it OP. You know the holidays are the one time your in-laws prioritize. You would like more time. So your reaction to wanting more time is to ... cancel the holidays? I agree that you're perfectly within your rights not to have every holiday with your in laws. But it seems needlessly petty and aggressive to cancel ALL holidays, especially since you're apparently just spending them with friends and not with your own family.

Is this really in the best interests of your kids as well?

DRINK! You are the problem OP, not your in laws.

DRINK! Your in laws are your "real family" not the friends who have become family. Even though your in laws treat you like poop.

DRINK! What about the KIDS?!?!?!?!?!?

did you get lost on the way to babycenter?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I hope in all these years, you or your husband asked WHY they didn't want to make time for you outside of Holidays. I hope you pointed out how strange and unusual it was for them to live so close (my parents in live in Europe, my aunts live in Asia, and until recently, another aunt lived in the Middle East) yet never want to see you.

Yes, we have. And we've always received reassurances that it's not that they don't want to see us but they made plans. It's not that they don't want to see us but so-and-so expects to hang out for such-and-such. It's not that they don't love us but they made a commitment to do this and that. It's not that they don't care about quality time, but they have to think about quality time with so many (they have four grandkids, three of them are ours).

One of the saddest things about being in this situation is the feeling that we are being gaslighted. Oh there's nothing wrong, we just don't want to see you until it's holiday time and we can post the pics on FB. The other sad part are the insinuations - and I'm sure you don't mean it this way, PP - that somehow DH and I are deserving of our in-laws' rejection. We aren't.

I don’t think this is about appearances and posting on facebook. It’s just that in their head, life is for friends and holidays (and only holidays) are when you are with family. It’s just the way they have delineated things in their head. I understand why it makes you sad, it would to me too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I hope in all these years, you or your husband asked WHY they didn't want to make time for you outside of Holidays. I hope you pointed out how strange and unusual it was for them to live so close (my parents in live in Europe, my aunts live in Asia, and until recently, another aunt lived in the Middle East) yet never want to see you.

Yes, we have. And we've always received reassurances that it's not that they don't want to see us but they made plans. It's not that they don't want to see us but so-and-so expects to hang out for such-and-such. It's not that they don't love us but they made a commitment to do this and that. It's not that they don't care about quality time, but they have to think about quality time with so many (they have four grandkids, three of them are ours).

One of the saddest things about being in this situation is the feeling that we are being gaslighted. Oh there's nothing wrong, we just don't want to see you until it's holiday time and we can post the pics on FB. The other sad part are the insinuations - and I'm sure you don't mean it this way, PP - that somehow DH and I are deserving of our in-laws' rejection. We aren't.

I’m honestly confused about your rationale here. You’re mad that they don’t want to see you enough so you’re not going to see them at all? What does your husband say?

+1 I’m not sure what OP’s ideal situation is. Do you wish your in laws came to bdays, recitals, etc, AND to holidays? Like you want to see them all the time for everything?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I hope in all these years, you or your husband asked WHY they didn't want to make time for you outside of Holidays. I hope you pointed out how strange and unusual it was for them to live so close (my parents in live in Europe, my aunts live in Asia, and until recently, another aunt lived in the Middle East) yet never want to see you.

Yes, we have. And we've always received reassurances that it's not that they don't want to see us but they made plans. It's not that they don't want to see us but so-and-so expects to hang out for such-and-such. It's not that they don't love us but they made a commitment to do this and that. It's not that they don't care about quality time, but they have to think about quality time with so many (they have four grandkids, three of them are ours).

One of the saddest things about being in this situation is the feeling that we are being gaslighted. Oh there's nothing wrong, we just don't want to see you until it's holiday time and we can post the pics on FB. The other sad part are the insinuations - and I'm sure you don't mean it this way, PP - that somehow DH and I are deserving of our in-laws' rejection. We aren't.

I’m honestly confused about your rationale here. You’re mad that they don’t want to see you enough so you’re not going to see them at all? What does your husband say?

+1 I’m not sure what OP’s ideal situation is. Do you wish your in laws came to bdays, recitals, etc, AND to holidays? Like you want to see them all the time for everything?

my guess is OP is majorly projecting and actually does not like/want to see her ILs more frequently. She’s mad that she doesn’t get to control the schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I hope in all these years, you or your husband asked WHY they didn't want to make time for you outside of Holidays. I hope you pointed out how strange and unusual it was for them to live so close (my parents in live in Europe, my aunts live in Asia, and until recently, another aunt lived in the Middle East) yet never want to see you.

Yes, we have. And we've always received reassurances that it's not that they don't want to see us but they made plans. It's not that they don't want to see us but so-and-so expects to hang out for such-and-such. It's not that they don't love us but they made a commitment to do this and that. It's not that they don't care about quality time, but they have to think about quality time with so many (they have four grandkids, three of them are ours).

One of the saddest things about being in this situation is the feeling that we are being gaslighted. Oh there's nothing wrong, we just don't want to see you until it's holiday time and we can post the pics on FB. The other sad part are the insinuations - and I'm sure you don't mean it this way, PP - that somehow DH and I are deserving of our in-laws' rejection. We aren't.

PP you replied to. I most certainly did NOT mean you deserved any rejection

I'm just curious about this dynamic. My children's grandparents want to see them as much as possible. And at the other extreme, my mother's parents were very cold, unloving people who didn't want to see us, but then we didn't want to see them either, so it worked out. You were in the most hurtful situation where you wanted to see the grandparents, but they didn't want to see you. I'm glad that you're now putting your foot down and won't miss them anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:100% with you OP. It is completely ok to set boundaries.

One of the nicest Christmases we've had was one where it was just the four of us have a relaxed, nice day together.

This whole "setting boundaries" is getting out of hand. A decision to say no to a holiday invite is not "setting boundaries". It is....saying no to a holiday invite. Which of course you are within your rights to do.

OP, I am with those that would, based on the information you provided so far, just go for the holiday gathering. You don't say that these are otherwise bad or overbearing people. You don't say that the time you do spend with them is bad in any way.

So just go. Not going is more trouble than it is worth. And at this point it is a traditional that your kids could look back on fondly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I hope in all these years, you or your husband asked WHY they didn't want to make time for you outside of Holidays. I hope you pointed out how strange and unusual it was for them to live so close (my parents in live in Europe, my aunts live in Asia, and until recently, another aunt lived in the Middle East) yet never want to see you.

Yes, we have. And we've always received reassurances that it's not that they don't want to see us but they made plans. It's not that they don't want to see us but so-and-so expects to hang out for such-and-such. It's not that they don't love us but they made a commitment to do this and that. It's not that they don't care about quality time, but they have to think about quality time with so many (they have four grandkids, three of them are ours).

One of the saddest things about being in this situation is the feeling that we are being gaslighted. Oh there's nothing wrong, we just don't want to see you until it's holiday time and we can post the pics on FB. The other sad part are the insinuations - and I'm sure you don't mean it this way, PP - that somehow DH and I are deserving of our in-laws' rejection. We aren't.

I think I would probably agree to one holiday (likely Christmas, because Friendsgivings are the best), and have your husband handle telling them, and, if they push back, use their own lines back at them. "It's not that we don't want to see you, but we made plans." "It's not that we don't love you, but we made a commitment." "It's not that we don't care about the holidays, but we have to think about how to manage them with so many." Etc.

Definitely have your husband manage the communication, and make sure he doesn't throw you under the bus. If he agrees with you, then all you have to do is decline the invitation and let the guilt trip roll on over you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get it OP. You know the holidays are the one time your in-laws prioritize. You would like more time. So your reaction to wanting more time is to ... cancel the holidays? I agree that you're perfectly within your rights not to have every holiday with your in laws. But it seems needlessly petty and aggressive to cancel ALL holidays, especially since you're apparently just spending them with friends and not with your own family.

Is this really in the best interests of your kids as well?

I reject any implication that time with close friends is somehow inferior to time with family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell them you have other plans but are happy to get together soon. “Do you have your calendars handy? Let’s plan some dates.”

If they decline to make any other plans with you, you can say, “You know, we are going to choose to spend our holidays with friends and family who make time for us throughout the year, not just on holidays when they can show off family pictures.”

I don't know if I could pull this off, but I love it.

I get where OP is coming from. It seems like "family" is just an abstract idea to the in-laws, or a ritual -- something that you're supposed to have but not something they value for the relationships themselves. If you value spending holidays with family and friends you are actually close to, spending them with people who don't really value you at any other time might feel disappointing, frustrating, and pointless. I would probably split the holidays, rather than just stop going entirely, just to avoid a total breach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't really get it OP. You know the holidays are the one time your in-laws prioritize. You would like more time. So your reaction to wanting more time is to ... cancel the holidays? I agree that you're perfectly within your rights not to have every holiday with your in laws. But it seems needlessly petty and aggressive to cancel ALL holidays, especially since you're apparently just spending them with friends and not with your own family.

Is this really in the best interests of your kids as well?

I reject any implication that time with close friends is somehow inferior to time with family.

it’s not inferior; it’s different. and like it or not, most people spend holidays with family. so they idea you’re going to have holidays with your “chosen family” is kind of an illusion. that’s because holidays culturally are primarily for family - friends (even “chosen family” friends) you can see any time. So yeah maybe accept that holidays are mainly for kids and to connect with family. that’s kind of the whole point. you can have parties any other time you want. this isn’t to say anyone has to do anything they don’t want, but it might be better to just accept what is.

[Anonymous]

Sounds a bit like cutting off your nose to spite your face. Your ILs won’t hang out with you when you ask; therefore, you won’t hang out with them when they ask.

I have relatives who frequently say no to plans, but when they invite us over (once in a blue moon) I try to attend if at all possible because I enjoy spending time with them. Yes it annoys me that it’s like pulling teeth to get them to agree to my plans, but I try to tamp down my ego. Of course, I do genuinely like them despite their quirks. If you and DH don’t like spending time with your ILs in general then that’s probably a good reason to not want to see them. Just make sure it’s not an ego thing.