I don't want to spend holidays with my in-laws - ever

[Anonymous]

We told both sides many years before kids that we were having Thanksgiving alone. We didn’t give a reason but said we weren’t traveling. Then about two years before Covid, we decided to stop going for Christmas. We have kids now. It was a hard adjustment for our parents, both sides, but it made the holidays so much more pleasant and less stressful for our family. We love our family and see them at other times of the year. The actual holidays are for us now.

We have always said people can come spend it with us at our home if they like. The last family member to come for Thanksgiving was about 15 years ago. No one has ever come for Christmas. They still ask us to go there every year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I hope in all these years, you or your husband asked WHY they didn't want to make time for you outside of Holidays. I hope you pointed out how strange and unusual it was for them to live so close (my parents in live in Europe, my aunts live in Asia, and until recently, another aunt lived in the Middle East) yet never want to see you.

Yes, we have. And we've always received reassurances that it's not that they don't want to see us but they made plans. It's not that they don't want to see us but so-and-so expects to hang out for such-and-such. It's not that they don't love us but they made a commitment to do this and that. It's not that they don't care about quality time, but they have to think about quality time with so many (they have four grandkids, three of them are ours).

One of the saddest things about being in this situation is the feeling that we are being gaslighted. Oh there's nothing wrong, we just don't want to see you until it's holiday time and we can post the pics on FB. The other sad part are the insinuations - and I'm sure you don't mean it this way, PP - that somehow DH and I are deserving of our in-laws' rejection. We aren't.

I’m honestly confused about your rationale here. You’re mad that they don’t want to see you enough so you’re not going to see them at all? What does your husband say?

+1 I’m not sure what OP’s ideal situation is. Do you wish your in laws came to bdays, recitals, etc, AND to holidays? Like you want to see them all the time for everything?

I imagine that the OP wanted in laws who made some kind of effort to have a relationship with their family outside of three times a year especially since they live so close by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I hope in all these years, you or your husband asked WHY they didn't want to make time for you outside of Holidays. I hope you pointed out how strange and unusual it was for them to live so close (my parents in live in Europe, my aunts live in Asia, and until recently, another aunt lived in the Middle East) yet never want to see you.

Yes, we have. And we've always received reassurances that it's not that they don't want to see us but they made plans. It's not that they don't want to see us but so-and-so expects to hang out for such-and-such. It's not that they don't love us but they made a commitment to do this and that. It's not that they don't care about quality time, but they have to think about quality time with so many (they have four grandkids, three of them are ours).

One of the saddest things about being in this situation is the feeling that we are being gaslighted. Oh there's nothing wrong, we just don't want to see you until it's holiday time and we can post the pics on FB. The other sad part are the insinuations - and I'm sure you don't mean it this way, PP - that somehow DH and I are deserving of our in-laws' rejection. We aren't.

I'm in this situation too OP. We spent years getting the "we're so busy" excuse and when they did come when we invited them, they seemed pained the whole time. Only invited us to their house with larger crowds of friends, so we eventually have up. I mean, their friends are nice but they are not who we are there to see.

[Anonymous]

One of the most difficult discussions I’ve had with my family was about 5 years into my marriage. I essentially said that I still love them, but I have my own children, husband, etc and spending time making our own memories was important to me. We still see them on major holidays every so often, but cherish the time on our own. Meeting up a few days after or before is fine.

[Anonymous]

Wow, I’m so surprised that people just want to spend holidays with their immediate family. I’m with my immediate family every day. The holidays are special because we make memories with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I’m so surprised that people just want to spend holidays with their immediate family. I’m with my immediate family every day. The holidays are special because we make memories with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins!

I tend to agree UNLESS there’s flight travel involved, which is hectic and expensive during the holidays. We spend holidays with local family and fly to visit others during non-peak times

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I’m so surprised that people just want to spend holidays with their immediate family. I’m with my immediate family every day. The holidays are special because we make memories with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins!

I tend to agree UNLESS there’s flight travel involved, which is hectic and expensive during the holidays. We spend holidays with local family and fly to visit others during non-peak times

Exactly. I would add that any flight or extended driving can make these holiday gatherings miserable. If your family is within a 3 hour driving radius, then sure, a family party sounds lovely and fun!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I’m so surprised that people just want to spend holidays with their immediate family. I’m with my immediate family every day. The holidays are special because we make memories with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins!

I tend to agree UNLESS there’s flight travel involved, which is hectic and expensive during the holidays. We spend holidays with local family and fly to visit others during non-peak times

Exactly. I would add that any flight or extended driving can make these holiday gatherings miserable. If your family is within a 3 hour driving radius, then sure, a family party sounds lovely and fun!

Agree with this point. And OP said her inlaws are 45 minutes away! They could go there for a few hours and still have half the day to do what they wanted as an immediate family or with friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I’m so surprised that people just want to spend holidays with their immediate family. I’m with my immediate family every day. The holidays are special because we make memories with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins!

Even if it’s not actually fun when you are there? My inlaws just talk about themselves and don’t try to engage or play with my children in anyway. They get a cursory “Hi John how is school?” And that’s basically it for the rest of the visit. The kids get bored and come ask the adults to play with them and my inlaws seem annoyed the kids are interrupting the audience for their repetitive storytelling. Their own daughter is so annoyed by them but unlike us does not act polite or try to hide it so their bickering is also really awkward.

My mom only talks about my sister and her kids whether they are there or not, and neither of my parents ever want to leave their house.

It’s not much to look forward to.

[Anonymous]

How the relationship unfolds with your extended family is entirely up to you. Most of my relatives are pretty set in their way and they want to do things the way it suits them. My go to has been to attend with my kids and spouse, and once I am there, I roll my sleeves up and help them as much as I can. My kids love being with the family and meeting cousins etc., I don't get interrogated because I am "helping" and busy, and after some pictures with the family (my DH does that, he herds everyone together and takes lots of pictures), we are out of there. Boom! Done!

I know that we are the beloved cousins who make an appearance for every party. We are the favorite aunt and uncle who will contribute something to the party (photos, serving food). But, we do not stay there for a long time because then it gets ugly. People will start telling us their tales of woe, people will start criticizing each other, people will start comparing. So relatives are best taken in small doses, and you always have to be busy so that they don't have time to unload. Yes, it is not very restful for us. There are very few relatives whose house we go to and can enjoy a glass of wine and peaceful time. But, since we get together only during festivals and holidays, it is not really that bad.

My kids are also catching on. They go to parties and get other kids together and play games with them. My teen DD carries stickers, balloons, tattoos and paper and crayons in her backpack and keeps all the kids entertained. Then after 3-4 hours at the relatives home, she is out of there to be with her friends.

I think, if you figure out what they want from you (help, presence, babysitting, serving, warming food, walking the dog), you can do that for a few hours, and then you leave and go on and do your own thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I’m so surprised that people just want to spend holidays with their immediate family. I’m with my immediate family every day. The holidays are special because we make memories with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins!

Even if it’s not actually fun when you are there? My inlaws just talk about themselves and don’t try to engage or play with my children in anyway. They get a cursory “Hi John how is school?” And that’s basically it for the rest of the visit. The kids get bored and come ask the adults to play with them and my inlaws seem annoyed the kids are interrupting the audience for their repetitive storytelling. Their own daughter is so annoyed by them but unlike us does not act polite or try to hide it so their bickering is also really awkward.

My mom only talks about my sister and her kids whether they are there or not, and neither of my parents ever want to leave their house.

It’s not much to look forward to.

DP here. The point is not for you to have fun. The point is that you are with your relatives, you do some adulting and make small talk, you help out some, and then you leave. The point is not that you will be entertained at all times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I’m so surprised that people just want to spend holidays with their immediate family. I’m with my immediate family every day. The holidays are special because we make memories with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins!

I tend to agree UNLESS there’s flight travel involved, which is hectic and expensive during the holidays. We spend holidays with local family and fly to visit others during non-peak times

Exactly. I would add that any flight or extended driving can make these holiday gatherings miserable. If your family is within a 3 hour driving radius, then sure, a family party sounds lovely and fun!

Agree with this point. And OP said her inlaws are 45 minutes away! They could go there for a few hours and still have half the day to do what they wanted as an immediate family or with friends.

+1

I think it is so much easier when you have to make an appearance for a few hours. You take pictures, you air-kiss everyone, you help out some in the kitchen or for clean up, and you are done.

[Anonymous]

White people problem. Seriously.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Hadn’t checked on the thread and appreciate the suggestions offered. DH arranged another time to meet up over the holidays with his parents. They were not thrilled by the suggestion and said they’d “think about it.”

To the posters who asked what the issue is, yes, I’d like my in-laws to show interest in cultivating a relationship with my kids - their only grandchildren - beyond the dog and pony show of three holidays a year. We aren’t a big family and we (DH / me) make no demands of them other than simply wanted to spend time with them. We often offer to pay, host, or even pick them up in order to alleviate the burden on them. But nothing.

DH and I both had wonderful relationships with our grandparents and it’s something we’d hoped for our kids even if in a more limited capacity.

If my in laws lived far away or even more than an hour away, I would excuse their complete lack of interest in being part of the milestones that are part of my kids’ lives. But the fact that they live so close and make no effort, but then expect us to show up on holidays, play happy family, and most annoyingly use our limited family time to take and post pictures on Facebook makes it hard to rationalize making the effort to see them. Bottom line is it hurts - DH and me are hurt and our kids have started to notice though at the same time are increasingly distant from their grandparents.

For those who have close family relationships you may not be able to relate - or maybe you do. Regardless, I’m looking forward to the holidays with dear friends this year, some of whom we’ve known since childhood. Thank God for families of choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, I’m so surprised that people just want to spend holidays with their immediate family. I’m with my immediate family every day. The holidays are special because we make memories with grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins!

Even if it’s not actually fun when you are there? My inlaws just talk about themselves and don’t try to engage or play with my children in anyway. They get a cursory “Hi John how is school?” And that’s basically it for the rest of the visit. The kids get bored and come ask the adults to play with them and my inlaws seem annoyed the kids are interrupting the audience for their repetitive storytelling. Their own daughter is so annoyed by them but unlike us does not act polite or try to hide it so their bickering is also really awkward.

My mom only talks about my sister and her kids whether they are there or not, and neither of my parents ever want to leave their house.

It’s not much to look forward to.

DP here. The point is not for you to have fun. The point is that you are with your relatives, you do some adulting and make small talk, you help out some, and then you leave. The point is not that you will be entertained at all times.

So it’s an act of charity? It’s not meant to be a reciprocal relationship? I don’t agree with that. My husband is a good son and feels guilt, and also they are wealthy. If not for those things, I would not bother.