Husband Doesn’t Understand The Struggles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand where your husband is coming from. Do you truly have an infant? As in four weeks old? In that case, disregard. I am more surprised you can work with the lack of sleep.

A typical baby sleeps at least 4-5 hours during the work day. You’re saying you work PT. Isn’t PT 4-5 hours? You should have a 2 hour nap stretch in the morning and another 2-3 in the PM. You say you’re interrupted by feeding. Except for cluster feeding, which is very early on and typically early evenings, the child should be on more of a schedule and feed every 2-3 hours. Again, enough time for you to work.

I had a baby and hired a nanny because I was supposed to. Until my child was walking, it wasn’t really necessary. There was a time window in the morning when I often had meetings and used the nanny. Besides that, it was easy to have the child on a playmat, carrier or the child was sleeping. It was kind of a waste and awkward having the nanny there with so little to do. I remember I hired a cleaner for the first time and during maternity leave it was comical because the only thing I Did was go on a walk when my cleaner was at my house. I could have easily cleaned with the baby but had been so scared precooked into ordering frozen dishes and having cleaners lined up.

There is a reason babies don’t do much - they haven’t developed and people couldn’t have additional kids if a baby was truly a FT job. Unless you have a child with a developmental disorder or illness, it’s not that hard. Get your kid on a schedule, naps aren’t optional and be religious about sleep. Once you’re strict with a schedule, it’s pretty easy. I mean a baby sleeps every afternoon! I’d love my child to now take afternoon naps.

Or maybe you’re back at work at four weeks but I didn’t catch that from your post.

4 weeks is newborn. Infant is 3-12 months.

Not all babies nap that well. Many babies 2-4 months old nap for 30-45 minutes with a 1.5-2 hour wake window.

Many moms who have meetings all day can’t care for a baby. Some babies refuse to be put on a play mat and left alone.

[Anonymous]

Explain to him that your infant will sleep less and less during the day as the weeks tick on. It’s easy to look at a 1-2 month old baby (assuming they are a decent sleeper) and think it’s possible to get 4-5 hours of work in during the day. But by 6 months, baby will be down to 3 naps, and some might be only 30-45 minutes.

Also explain that you have limited control over when the baby goes to sleep or wakes up. Babies are always changing and you never know when they will suddenly start resisting the midday nap, or start waking up from the 3pm nap at 3:30 instead of 4. You are constantly having to adjust. And that doesn’t work if you need to be able to attend a regular staff meeting or talk to clients on the phone. Your baby could be quiet or asleep most of the morning, but if he’s fussing during a 15 minute call with your boss, it’s a nightmare.

You need childcare.

[Anonymous]

You need childcare, period.
The prove is the baby!

[Anonymous]

OP here. Sorry for the delay in reply.

I do have an easy baby. He is 3.5 months old and sleep trained. He takes 3 solid naps during the day while I work, but that doesn’t mean it is easy. He loves to be held and loves interaction. He is not a baby who is content laying on the play gym for an hour. I try to make breaks so I can interact with him but it can be tough. I can't take calls while he is playing. I bottled feed and I can’t just pop him on the breasts when he’s hungry. He is on a routine and eats every 3 hours. The 4 month sleep regression might hit and I would rather have someone here to help.

I have an unpredictable job and I’m expected to be on-call at all times. I can’t tell them I need time because I have to care for my baby. I work 3 days ( 8 hours) right now but will be going back FT in 1.5 weeks.

My husband has taken care of the baby on his own many times. He took off a week the first week I was back at work so he doesn't think it’s that hard. I don’t like the idea of having someone in the house with our baby that he has not approved or feels comfortable with. I would not like it if the roles were reversed. I just need help.

I don’t want to daycare because of the pandemic. We can afford a nanny and I prefer to keep him on his routine and in the home where I know he is safe and I can see him throughout the day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I understand where your husband is coming from. Do you truly have an infant? As in four weeks old? In that case, disregard. I am more surprised you can work with the lack of sleep.

A typical baby sleeps at least 4-5 hours during the work day. You’re saying you work PT. Isn’t PT 4-5 hours? You should have a 2 hour nap stretch in the morning and another 2-3 in the PM. You say you’re interrupted by feeding. Except for cluster feeding, which is very early on and typically early evenings, the child should be on more of a schedule and feed every 2-3 hours. Again, enough time for you to work.

I had a baby and hired a nanny because I was supposed to. Until my child was walking, it wasn’t really necessary. There was a time window in the morning when I often had meetings and used the nanny. Besides that, it was easy to have the child on a playmat, carrier or the child was sleeping. It was kind of a waste and awkward having the nanny there with so little to do. I remember I hired a cleaner for the first time and during maternity leave it was comical because the only thing I Did was go on a walk when my cleaner was at my house. I could have easily cleaned with the baby but had been so scared precooked into ordering frozen dishes and having cleaners lined up.

There is a reason babies don’t do much - they haven’t developed and people couldn’t have additional kids if a baby was truly a FT job. Unless you have a child with a developmental disorder or illness, it’s not that hard. Get your kid on a schedule, naps aren’t optional and be religious about sleep. Once you’re strict with a schedule, it’s pretty easy. I mean a baby sleeps every afternoon! I’d love my child to now take afternoon naps.

Or maybe you’re back at work at four weeks but I didn’t catch that from your post.

OP here. I worked 3 8 hour days. My baby doesn’t take a 2 and a 2-3 hour nap. He takes 4 naps a day, with 3 naps while I’m working. He’s up for 90 minutes, down for 90 minutes. He eats every 3 hours.

It’s still hard. He sleeps at night but many babies still wake up at night at this age.

He likes to play. He is not happy just being put on a play mat.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations, OP. You married a completely selfish and insane man. Seemingly, you two never had any discussions or communication over what it would actually be like when a helpless infant showed up at your house.

Does DH have any good qualities whatsoever? Are his genes at least pretty good?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works FT and I work PT and we have an infant son. We need to hire help because working and caring for a baby is hard work. He knows it’s tough and tries to be involved as possible, but he doesn’t think we need any help. He thinks because the baby sleeps most of the day and is only awake for a short time, I can manage throughout the day. It’s more challenging than he realizes. I have to stop working to feed and then my son gets annoyed at times and wants to be held or wants to be interacted with while he is awake. I’m going back FT next month and just don’t know how I will manage without help. I need to convince him we need to help.

Don't most jobs require you to have childcare if you WFH full-time?

I agree with the PP - take the bull by the horns and hire someone. He's not even home - how does he know how the day goes with the baby?

I know people who worked FT and still cared for their kids on their own.

I had a nanny working from home for 7 years. No way I could have done my job at home otherwise. I was working! You need full time childcare to work for 98% of jobs—whether you are Home or at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand where your husband is coming from. Do you truly have an infant? As in four weeks old? In that case, disregard. I am more surprised you can work with the lack of sleep.

A typical baby sleeps at least 4-5 hours during the work day. You’re saying you work PT. Isn’t PT 4-5 hours? You should have a 2 hour nap stretch in the morning and another 2-3 in the PM. You say you’re interrupted by feeding. Except for cluster feeding, which is very early on and typically early evenings, the child should be on more of a schedule and feed every 2-3 hours. Again, enough time for you to work.

I had a baby and hired a nanny because I was supposed to. Until my child was walking, it wasn’t really necessary. There was a time window in the morning when I often had meetings and used the nanny. Besides that, it was easy to have the child on a playmat, carrier or the child was sleeping. It was kind of a waste and awkward having the nanny there with so little to do. I remember I hired a cleaner for the first time and during maternity leave it was comical because the only thing I Did was go on a walk when my cleaner was at my house. I could have easily cleaned with the baby but had been so scared precooked into ordering frozen dishes and having cleaners lined up.

There is a reason babies don’t do much - they haven’t developed and people couldn’t have additional kids if a baby was truly a FT job. Unless you have a child with a developmental disorder or illness, it’s not that hard. Get your kid on a schedule, naps aren’t optional and be religious about sleep. Once you’re strict with a schedule, it’s pretty easy. I mean a baby sleeps every afternoon! I’d love my child to now take afternoon naps.

Or maybe you’re back at work at four weeks but I didn’t catch that from your post.

It’s awesome that you had an easy baby, easy recovery and easy enough job to accomplish everything you listed. That’s not the experience everyone has. It’s also a little surprising to hear someone say that the supports they had and relied on are unnecessary and easy to do without. I’m sure it’s easy to have the baby in the room playing while you’re working, knowing you can have the nanny take the baby to a different area if they become distracting to you. That doesn’t mean your nanny wasn’t necessary or helpful.

You had a very easy baby. Mine needed to be held for naps the first few months. You can’t breastfeed and nap a baby like that, and work the kind of intellectually demanding job I have. Our nannies had plenty to do.

+1 …my nanny almost quit and she was a grandma. My kid had acid reflux and a dairy allergy. Reflux lasted a long time. She never slept and cried for 10 months straight. All day. Every day. Woke 3 times a night til age 3 then 2 times a night til age 6 years old. Earlier poster had an easy baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry for the delay in reply.

I do have an easy baby. He is 3.5 months old and sleep trained. He takes 3 solid naps during the day while I work, but that doesn’t mean it is easy. He loves to be held and loves interaction. He is not a baby who is content laying on the play gym for an hour. I try to make breaks so I can interact with him but it can be tough. I can't take calls while he is playing. I bottled feed and I can’t just pop him on the breasts when he’s hungry. He is on a routine and eats every 3 hours. The 4 month sleep regression might hit and I would rather have someone here to help.

I have an unpredictable job and I’m expected to be on-call at all times. I can’t tell them I need time because I have to care for my baby. I work 3 days ( 8 hours) right now but will be going back FT in 1.5 weeks.

My husband has taken care of the baby on his own many times. He took off a week the first week I was back at work so he doesn't think it’s that hard. I don’t like the idea of having someone in the house with our baby that he has not approved or feels comfortable with. I would not like it if the roles were reversed. I just need help.

I don’t want to daycare because of the pandemic. We can afford a nanny and I prefer to keep him on his routine and in the home where I know he is safe and I can see him throughout the day.

You say you need help, but you’ve shot down the idea of a nanny and daycare. What exactly are you hoping to get from this thread?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand where your husband is coming from. Do you truly have an infant? As in four weeks old? In that case, disregard. I am more surprised you can work with the lack of sleep.

A typical baby sleeps at least 4-5 hours during the work day. You’re saying you work PT. Isn’t PT 4-5 hours? You should have a 2 hour nap stretch in the morning and another 2-3 in the PM. You say you’re interrupted by feeding. Except for cluster feeding, which is very early on and typically early evenings, the child should be on more of a schedule and feed every 2-3 hours. Again, enough time for you to work.

I had a baby and hired a nanny because I was supposed to. Until my child was walking, it wasn’t really necessary. There was a time window in the morning when I often had meetings and used the nanny. Besides that, it was easy to have the child on a playmat, carrier or the child was sleeping. It was kind of a waste and awkward having the nanny there with so little to do. I remember I hired a cleaner for the first time and during maternity leave it was comical because the only thing I Did was go on a walk when my cleaner was at my house. I could have easily cleaned with the baby but had been so scared precooked into ordering frozen dishes and having cleaners lined up.

There is a reason babies don’t do much - they haven’t developed and people couldn’t have additional kids if a baby was truly a FT job. Unless you have a child with a developmental disorder or illness, it’s not that hard. Get your kid on a schedule, naps aren’t optional and be religious about sleep. Once you’re strict with a schedule, it’s pretty easy. I mean a baby sleeps every afternoon! I’d love my child to now take afternoon naps.

Or maybe you’re back at work at four weeks but I didn’t catch that from your post.

It’s awesome that you had an easy baby, easy recovery and easy enough job to accomplish everything you listed. That’s not the experience everyone has. It’s also a little surprising to hear someone say that the supports they had and relied on are unnecessary and easy to do without. I’m sure it’s easy to have the baby in the room playing while you’re working, knowing you can have the nanny take the baby to a different area if they become distracting to you. That doesn’t mean your nanny wasn’t necessary or helpful.

You had a very easy baby. Mine needed to be held for naps the first few months. You can’t breastfeed and nap a baby like that, and work the kind of intellectually demanding job I have. Our nannies had plenty to do.

No baby has to be held for naps!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand where your husband is coming from. Do you truly have an infant? As in four weeks old? In that case, disregard. I am more surprised you can work with the lack of sleep.

A typical baby sleeps at least 4-5 hours during the work day. You’re saying you work PT. Isn’t PT 4-5 hours? You should have a 2 hour nap stretch in the morning and another 2-3 in the PM. You say you’re interrupted by feeding. Except for cluster feeding, which is very early on and typically early evenings, the child should be on more of a schedule and feed every 2-3 hours. Again, enough time for you to work.

I had a baby and hired a nanny because I was supposed to. Until my child was walking, it wasn’t really necessary. There was a time window in the morning when I often had meetings and used the nanny. Besides that, it was easy to have the child on a playmat, carrier or the child was sleeping. It was kind of a waste and awkward having the nanny there with so little to do. I remember I hired a cleaner for the first time and during maternity leave it was comical because the only thing I Did was go on a walk when my cleaner was at my house. I could have easily cleaned with the baby but had been so scared precooked into ordering frozen dishes and having cleaners lined up.

There is a reason babies don’t do much - they haven’t developed and people couldn’t have additional kids if a baby was truly a FT job. Unless you have a child with a developmental disorder or illness, it’s not that hard. Get your kid on a schedule, naps aren’t optional and be religious about sleep. Once you’re strict with a schedule, it’s pretty easy. I mean a baby sleeps every afternoon! I’d love my child to now take afternoon naps.

Or maybe you’re back at work at four weeks but I didn’t catch that from your post.

It’s awesome that you had an easy baby, easy recovery and easy enough job to accomplish everything you listed. That’s not the experience everyone has. It’s also a little surprising to hear someone say that the supports they had and relied on are unnecessary and easy to do without. I’m sure it’s easy to have the baby in the room playing while you’re working, knowing you can have the nanny take the baby to a different area if they become distracting to you. That doesn’t mean your nanny wasn’t necessary or helpful.

You had a very easy baby. Mine needed to be held for naps the first few months. You can’t breastfeed and nap a baby like that, and work the kind of intellectually demanding job I have. Our nannies had plenty to do.

+1 …my nanny almost quit and she was a grandma. My kid had acid reflux and a dairy allergy. Reflux lasted a long time. She never slept and cried for 10 months straight. All day. Every day. Woke 3 times a night til age 3 then 2 times a night til age 6 years old. Earlier poster had an easy baby.

Well your child was sick. I said above excluding a sick child or one with developmental issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What if you kept track of the times you were actually able to work over a day or two and showed him the data? Or perhaps the two of you together could keep track of the time blocks on a weekend day when work was potentially feasible, based on the baby's schedule?

You should also make sure he reads up on a baby development. Does he have any idea what a day looks like for a 3-month? A 9-month-old? Babies do not sleep all day magically until the day they enter kindergarten.

He should trust his wife. What an arse. - DH

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Congratulations, OP. You married a completely selfish and insane man. Seemingly, you two never had any discussions or communication over what it would actually be like when a helpless infant showed up at your house.

Does DH have any good qualities whatsoever? Are his genes at least pretty good?

Well they can afford a nanny so I guess he makes good money? Why not just quit?

[Anonymous]

OP you don’t have to convince commenters here that you need help. You know you do. Don’t try to be superwoman and superwife just because some people think you should. Maybe others have done it, and good for them. But they aren’t you.

Just hire help. I’m sure it’s hard without your husbands approval but it’s going to be much harder to try to do all this without help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand where your husband is coming from. Do you truly have an infant? As in four weeks old? In that case, disregard. I am more surprised you can work with the lack of sleep.

A typical baby sleeps at least 4-5 hours during the work day. You’re saying you work PT. Isn’t PT 4-5 hours? You should have a 2 hour nap stretch in the morning and another 2-3 in the PM. You say you’re interrupted by feeding. Except for cluster feeding, which is very early on and typically early evenings, the child should be on more of a schedule and feed every 2-3 hours. Again, enough time for you to work.

I had a baby and hired a nanny because I was supposed to. Until my child was walking, it wasn’t really necessary. There was a time window in the morning when I often had meetings and used the nanny. Besides that, it was easy to have the child on a playmat, carrier or the child was sleeping. It was kind of a waste and awkward having the nanny there with so little to do. I remember I hired a cleaner for the first time and during maternity leave it was comical because the only thing I Did was go on a walk when my cleaner was at my house. I could have easily cleaned with the baby but had been so scared precooked into ordering frozen dishes and having cleaners lined up.

There is a reason babies don’t do much - they haven’t developed and people couldn’t have additional kids if a baby was truly a FT job. Unless you have a child with a developmental disorder or illness, it’s not that hard. Get your kid on a schedule, naps aren’t optional and be religious about sleep. Once you’re strict with a schedule, it’s pretty easy. I mean a baby sleeps every afternoon! I’d love my child to now take afternoon naps.

Or maybe you’re back at work at four weeks but I didn’t catch that from your post.

It’s awesome that you had an easy baby, easy recovery and easy enough job to accomplish everything you listed. That’s not the experience everyone has. It’s also a little surprising to hear someone say that the supports they had and relied on are unnecessary and easy to do without. I’m sure it’s easy to have the baby in the room playing while you’re working, knowing you can have the nanny take the baby to a different area if they become distracting to you. That doesn’t mean your nanny wasn’t necessary or helpful.

You had a very easy baby. Mine needed to be held for naps the first few months. You can’t breastfeed and nap a baby like that, and work the kind of intellectually demanding job I have. Our nannies had plenty to do.

+1 …my nanny almost quit and she was a grandma. My kid had acid reflux and a dairy allergy. Reflux lasted a long time. She never slept and cried for 10 months straight. All day. Every day. Woke 3 times a night til age 3 then 2 times a night til age 6 years old. Earlier poster had an easy baby.

Well your child was sick. I said above excluding a sick child or one with developmental issues.

My child was not “sick”—many babies have reflux…many. An allergy also common. They do not qualify as sick. The are normal babies but harder vs. “sick.”OP’s baby sounds exceptionally easy but that will change. As soon as they start moving, any baby was to be watched almost every second. childcare is a requirement to work a real job.