Husband Doesn’t Understand The Struggles

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the issue isn’t whether you need a nanny. The issue is that your husband disagrees and is just going to walk out of tbe house an leave you holding the bag.

You have to let him know the nanny is non-negotiable. He can have a role in helping to hire one or not.

Your career is important too and it is critical you be allowed to do your job unencumbered by a second shift of child raising. You kid also deserves more - someone who can meet his/her needs immediately instead of distracting until a meeting is finished. Your kid deserves someone who is fully interacting with them and talking to them during awake hours, taking them for walks, etc. because that is how they learn and develop physically. Does your husband want your kid to have a less rich (in the experiential sense not the financial sense) childhood?

+1000 - Every bit of this.

[Anonymous]

We did this for first six years of our kids life. He worked full time in office. she worked 20+ hours a week at home with kid. No outside help. She's been back in the office full time for eight years but longs for the previous six.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband works FT and I work PT and we have an infant son. We need to hire help because working and caring for a baby is hard work. He knows it’s tough and tries to be involved as possible, but he doesn’t think we need any help. He thinks because the baby sleeps most of the day and is only awake for a short time, I can manage throughout the day. It’s more challenging than he realizes. I have to stop working to feed and then my son gets annoyed at times and wants to be held or wants to be interacted with while he is awake. I’m going back FT next month and just don’t know how I will manage without help. I need to convince him we need to help.

He needs to watch the baby by himself for a full 24 hours. A weekend would be better. Then he'll understand. My dad watched me when I was an infant because he was out of work and that has colored his whole view on caregiving for the rest of his life - I saw how he treated his employees (letting them telework and bring babies into the office in the late 1990s and early 2000s before it was commonplace) and how he helped me and my siblings when we had kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works FT and I work PT and we have an infant son. We need to hire help because working and caring for a baby is hard work. He knows it’s tough and tries to be involved as possible, but he doesn’t think we need any help. He thinks because the baby sleeps most of the day and is only awake for a short time, I can manage throughout the day. It’s more challenging than he realizes. I have to stop working to feed and then my son gets annoyed at times and wants to be held or wants to be interacted with while he is awake. I’m going back FT next month and just don’t know how I will manage without help. I need to convince him we need to help.

He needs to watch the baby by himself for a full 24 hours. A weekend would be better. Then he'll understand. My dad watched me when I was an infant because he was out of work and that has colored his whole view on caregiving for the rest of his life - I saw how he treated his employees (letting them telework and bring babies into the office in the late 1990s and early 2000s before it was commonplace) and how he helped me and my siblings when we had kids.

It would be better if he did this during a time when he was also working full-time. So not a weekend, a Monday and Tuesday.

[Anonymous]

My husband against using childcare last year when we had our first child. I went back to work PT but it was too much. I also had a very easy baby who was a good sleeper, but he required less sleep as he got older. It was hard to why anything done without watching him once he became mobile. My husband worked from home but couldn’t do much because he was in meetings all day.

After a week of working, I decided I need a nanny. I told him we are hiring a nanny and that’s not up for discussion. He quickly came around. We didn’t end up going with a nanny though because most weren’t okay with working PT and we didn’t want a bunch of nannies. We ended up having my MIL watch him and then hired a nanny when I went back to work FT. You need to tell him it’s not up for negotiation unless he wants to quit his job or work from home and help care for the baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. First, my husband is not a bad man. He has his shortfalls but he’s a great husband and father. He’s super conscious with having a baby and doesn’t like the idea of having someone in our home when we can’t be sure if they’re following proper guidelines to ensure the safety of all of us. He’s not controlling or anything like some of you posters have tried to make him out to be.

I want to hire a nanny but his decision is important. I would be upset if he hired someone and I didn’t get to approve. It’s not like I’m hiring a housekeeper - this woman will be taking care of our child. He has every right to have a say and meet the person who will be watching our son.

He thinks it’s easy now because our son is a very good sleeper and has been since he was born. He’s already sleeping 11 hours at night and naps 5 hours out of the day. This will change as he gets older.

Sorry but…. He doesn’t sound like a great husband. Very few husbands would ask their wife to work full time (or even part time) while taking care of a baby. He for some reason doesn’t believe you (or every other woman) who says it’s hard to take care of a baby and work at the same time. Yes, he has a say in who your childcare should be. But if he is flat out refusing childcare/refusing to let you stay hone, then I’m sorry, he really has some kind of lack of respect for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if you kept track of the times you were actually able to work over a day or two and showed him the data? Or perhaps the two of you together could keep track of the time blocks on a weekend day when work was potentially feasible, based on the baby's schedule?

You should also make sure he reads up on a baby development. Does he have any idea what a day looks like for a 3-month? A 9-month-old? Babies do not sleep all day magically until the day they enter kindergarten.

What if she didn't?

Her husband has no issue with leaving the house everyday to work FT without a worry in the world that his child is being cared for. OP stating what she needs childcare to perform her job is not something she has to prove. It's just the truth.

THIS! Sounds like my (crappy) husband. Not a care in the world. He can work, “entertain clients,” “network,” knowing I am too responsible and will be home with the kids at night. Yes I work too (8-5).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry for the delay in reply.

I do have an easy baby. He is 3.5 months old and sleep trained. He takes 3 solid naps during the day while I work, but that doesn’t mean it is easy. He loves to be held and loves interaction. He is not a baby who is content laying on the play gym for an hour. I try to make breaks so I can interact with him but it can be tough. I can't take calls while he is playing. I bottled feed and I can’t just pop him on the breasts when he’s hungry. He is on a routine and eats every 3 hours. The 4 month sleep regression might hit and I would rather have someone here to help.

I have an unpredictable job and I’m expected to be on-call at all times. I can’t tell them I need time because I have to care for my baby. I work 3 days ( 8 hours) right now but will be going back FT in 1.5 weeks.

My husband has taken care of the baby on his own many times. He took off a week the first week I was back at work so he doesn't think it’s that hard. I don’t like the idea of having someone in the house with our baby that he has not approved or feels comfortable with. I would not like it if the roles were reversed. I just need help.

I don’t want to daycare because of the pandemic. We can afford a nanny and I prefer to keep him on his routine and in the home where I know he is safe and I can see him throughout the day.

You say you need help, but you’ve shot down the idea of a nanny and daycare. What exactly are you hoping to get from this thread?

OP literally said she wants a nanny since she doesn’t want to do daycare.

OP "literally" stated: "I don’t like the idea of having someone in the house with our baby that he has not approved or feels comfortable with. I would not like it if the roles were reversed. I just need help.

I don’t want to daycare because of the pandemic."

So, she doesn't want the nanny...unless she gets approval from her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband works FT and I work PT and we have an infant son. We need to hire help because working and caring for a baby is hard work. He knows it’s tough and tries to be involved as possible, but he doesn’t think we need any help. He thinks because the baby sleeps most of the day and is only awake for a short time, I can manage throughout the day. It’s more challenging than he realizes. I have to stop working to feed and then my son gets annoyed at times and wants to be held or wants to be interacted with while he is awake. I’m going back FT next month and just don’t know how I will manage without help. I need to convince him we need to help.

Don't most jobs require you to have childcare if you WFH full-time?

I agree with the PP - take the bull by the horns and hire someone. He's not even home - how does he know how the day goes with the baby?

I know people who worked FT and still cared for their kids on their own.

They are probably bad at both things.

I know no one who has actually had a "real," white collar, professional job who has had to interact with other people during the day who has kids at home who wouldn't be harshly judged by their peers as incredibly unprofessional if they didn't have care for their kid. It astounds me that people continue to push this narrative.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First, I would decide whether you want to work or not. I would never have quit work so my conversation would have been:

“I absolutely cannot work and take care of a kid at the same time. So, are you quitting work or are we hiring a nanny?” And then I would listen.

If he keeps saying, the baby sleeps all the time, I would reiterate “I cannot work and take care of a baby. What do you prefer — a nanny or you quit work?”

If he kept saying it would be fine, I would say “you have a couple of days to think this through. Let’s discuss again on Sunday.”

On Sunday, if he didn’t come around, I would say “listen, you are asking me to do something that is unacceptable to me. Your intransigence on this subject is going to jeopardize our marital happiness. I love you and want to stay married. I need you to hear me and come up with a new plan.”

And finally, I would say “it sounds like you are not quitting your job. I am going to start interviewing nannies next week.” And then I would do that.

This is an excellent script for you OP.

I'd also urge you to stop taking criticism of your husband's actions as other posters labeling him as a "bad guy." That's not the issue here. The issue is that he's putting you in an impossible position. He needs to understand that.

And the whole good baby/good sleeper thing is great, but you have a 3.5 month old, non-mobile baby. It changes fast. I was a stay at home mom that left my 6 month old non-mobile baby on her play mat while I answered the door. Well, she chose that moment to learn how to roll over and over and got herself stuck halfway under a chair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you don’t have to convince commenters here that you need help. You know you do. Don’t try to be superwoman and superwife just because some people think you should. Maybe others have done it, and good for them. But they aren’t you.

Just hire help. I’m sure it’s hard without your husbands approval but it’s going to be much harder to try to do all this without help.

IT's not even being a superwoman. It's incredibly irresponsible to your workplace to attempt this except with an extremely easy baby (and even then...).