For those who are separated/divorced

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my spouse will be angry. He thinks our relationship is fine. I’ve told him many times it’s not, we have gone to counseling twice. He hasn’t changed. He is too focused on work. Divorce will upend his easy life, so I expect it will get ugly. I want to prepare and get organized before things get heated so it can go as smoothly as possible.

Clearly he does not understand how serious the situation is from your perspective. If there is any chance he might snap out of his work-always trance if he knew you were at the end of your rope, it might make sense to let him know more directly. He may be thinking you're just going through some ups and downs in the marriage. Maybe if you told him directly that you feel like you're at the end of your rope and ask him whether he sees any possibility that things could change, he might finally understand. -- former workaholic DH who saw the light

Sometimes an ultimatum finally gets a person's attention. If you say that this has to change or I do not see a future to this marriage. I don't want to leave I would like to have a different life with you, but it can't be this life that has developed to become this. He might change, and in any event if you do this he can never claim to be surprised.

That requires some self awareness, maturity, and no personality/ mental disorders.

Two therapy sessions and your life partners telling you her concerns and marital issues were the last straw. No need for drama now. He had years to be a real partner, father and homeowner, and he wasn’t.

A man can be driven by fears about being a good provider and securing a financially sound future, so that he ends up working in totally unhealthy ways (esp in jobs and industries where this is highly encouraged). That doesn't excuse this behavior, but I do think it is a form of myopia and not mental illness. If that is what is going on, even a couple of therapy sessions might be misunderstood as just a few bumps in the road (of course, it depends on what was said in those sessions).

Op said they tired therapy twice, likely for multiple sessions. So she knows if anything improved or not after those two attempts.

Op is on a good track. She’ll be relieved soon and once this is all over.

OP here. No, all those other replies were not me. Appreciate some of the feedback. But I am not seeking advice on the marriage. I am specifically looking for information regarding people who have been divorced or separated for their experiences of moving out.

[Anonymous]

OP here again, this is only my third reply to this thread. None of the other post regarding going to therapy or discussing my marriage was me. That was someone else. I would sincerely appreciate feedback only from those who have been divorced or separated. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my spouse will be angry. He thinks our relationship is fine. I’ve told him many times it’s not, we have gone to counseling twice. He hasn’t changed. He is too focused on work. Divorce will upend his easy life, so I expect it will get ugly. I want to prepare and get organized before things get heated so it can go as smoothly as possible.

You should rethink this decision to divorce. It not getting enough attention your only grievance with DH? He works too much? Could fill the need for attention elsewhere? Maybe you take a look at the pool of available men. The selection of decent single men is slim pickings.

[Anonymous]

There are lots of valid reasons to leave a neglectful lonely marriage than “find a new man.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my spouse will be angry. He thinks our relationship is fine. I’ve told him many times it’s not, we have gone to counseling twice. He hasn’t changed. He is too focused on work. Divorce will upend his easy life, so I expect it will get ugly. I want to prepare and get organized before things get heated so it can go as smoothly as possible.

You should rethink this decision to divorce. It not getting enough attention your only grievance with DH? He works too much? Could fill the need for attention elsewhere? Maybe you take a look at the pool of available men. The selection of decent single men is slim pickings.

You’re in no position to tell someone else what their marriage situation is like. Assuming you know everything going on from a few post is extremely ignorant and naïve.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you get along Ok. I’d mediate the key terms, sign one up, pick the dates, tell him one evening. Will still need a 12 month separation in most states, if kids. And file that. Only one of you needs a lawyer if amicable. Split those costs pro rata.

Everything will be split 50/50 at time of divorce, work out the house, etc. and if both parents good for the kid 50/50 custody- work out the schedule, alimony, child support via equations and maintaining standard of life.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again, this is only my third reply to this thread. None of the other post regarding going to therapy or discussing my marriage was me. That was someone else. I would sincerely appreciate feedback only from those who have been divorced or separated. Thank you.

OP, how old is your child that is at home?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my spouse will be angry. He thinks our relationship is fine. I’ve told him many times it’s not, we have gone to counseling twice. He hasn’t changed. He is too focused on work. Divorce will upend his easy life, so I expect it will get ugly. I want to prepare and get organized before things get heated so it can go as smoothly as possible.

He won’t be surprised; though he may try to be and try to blame you for wrecking everything (his easy, selfish life). You’ve tried to be adults and talk about it; he will not or cannot. The fact that any lawyer or therapist you’ve spoke with pegs him as one so unreasonable that you have to move out in order to get a response for him tells us everything we need to know. He doesn’t even have enough maturity to move out himself when asked or via a separation/temp custody letter.

Can you move out with the kids or is he a competent caregiver and good with them and for them?

Yes pick your lawyer, sign the retainer, fill everything out. Move and file that same day for separation and temporary everything.
His lawyer will call yours, talk through them.
You may be able to mediate, or he goes bonkers and wants to fight everything. In that case freeze all joint bank and brokerage accounts also when filing.

I would not tell him anything, he already failed at responding to talks about the relationship, feelings, goals, and his role/work addiction. Trust and love is gone.

I think you are giving terrible advice that will lead to a high conflict divorce. Mine was amicable because I took the slow road and did not do it the way you describe. The way you describe leads to very high conflict divorces. The better way is to insist you need to divorce and do it in the best interest of the kids and get a property settlement agreement done that is fair. People can mediate or mediate with attorneys. The way you support leads to a tramautic divorce. You have to work together vs. being pit against each other.

Have you ever gotten divorced? You both are saying the same thing, but either way someone has to move out, someone has to file for separation, and someone has to start the finances and custody agreement talks.

What does “slow road” event mean? 5-10 years and wait until the children are in college? Sit on your couch and agree to terms, get them papered up at the mediators and then both sign them? The latter happens in 80% of the time, especially if both parents are decent child caregivers and know the marriage is over.

Yes, I am divorced. My divorce took two years. The slow road means not being abrupt and nasty. The slow road is being a mature adult, not fighting, and agreeing to part ways in way that the kids are not disrupted as much as possible. Yes, we agreed to terms (and it was not 50/50 completely) and got a divorce. But it took two years to accomplish that. If I abruptly got up and moved out immediately upon separation, that is not the slow road. My road was actually very slow because I wanted out before a child. I waited 8 years to separate. Then the separation to final divorce was two years. My kids are still in elementary school. I was never ever waiting until college. That is crazy.

[Anonymous]

8 years hinting at divorce and 2 years doing a 12 month separation +divorce is indeed the slow road. Not sure that is answering OPs question if she is covering all her bases for filing to separate in three mos with a child.

[Anonymous]

did you prepare to move out before filing and giving papers to your spouse? - yes, I found an apartment, and secured it in the first week of a month for the following month. So like, October 4th for November 1 move-in.
Were you all packed up? - No, I packed after he had the initial divorce papers.
How did you file without them knowing you were filing? Um, I routinely left the house to do random things daily - he didn't need to know I was going to meet with a lawyer on a specific day. We had a come to jesus talk about our relationship and agreed we needed to break up. I went to a lawyer two days later. he was served before the end of the week.
How did the moving proceed? his best friend helped me move - we had to take all the kids stuff and my stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my spouse will be angry. He thinks our relationship is fine. I’ve told him many times it’s not, we have gone to counseling twice. He hasn’t changed. He is too focused on work. Divorce will upend his easy life, so I expect it will get ugly. I want to prepare and get organized before things get heated so it can go as smoothly as possible.

I hear you, but that is kind of cruel. You will get the benefit of organizing things making financial, social, emotional, logistical arrangements, and you spouse will be all the more upended. Reconsider. ESPECIALLY if you have children.

Maybe she has an explosive DH? I could see wanting to have everything in place before telling my DH, because he would absolutely explode! I know it sounds cruel, but I don't see any option besides blindsiding him.

[Anonymous]

It’s not cruel at all.
You don’t want the confrontational, everyone-around, route for moving out with certain types that can’t come to a table and discuss honestly or reasonably.

Btw a reasonable honest man who “works a ton”, per Op, would be told the marriage is over, served a letter, and offer to move out himself. Then they work out the terms. That’s more common. Not this stonewall, unresponsive thing OP’s H is doing with their problems.

Total wildcard how this H will behave. He’s been told many things but refuses to process or discuss them, and certainly not to a resolution.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here again, this is only my third reply to this thread. None of the other post regarding going to therapy or discussing my marriage was me. That was someone else. I would sincerely appreciate feedback only from those who have been divorced or separated. Thank you.

I moved out last summer, divorce just finalized. An attorney will tell you moving out gives away leverage… but with covid in full bloom, and 2 boys home from college, depressed, and stressed, I did not want to create havoc ( my wife, would have come unglued.. mental health issues).

Was hard, lonely, a very up and down process.

[Anonymous]

The thing you prepare for bf anything, is the money. You will know it’s “ game on “ if it is moved. Do you know where it is? Joint acct? Where does you paycheck get deposited?

[Anonymous]

Op, I am in the process of divorce. Seperation is not a thing in my state. We are still in the marital home, he is buying out my equity. I'm not leaving until that is complete and also we've signed our dc's custody papers. We have a 6yo, plus adult dc who of course are not part of custody.

It's...ok. For us, we have been amicable, almost oddly so-it's like deciding to divorce took the pressure off DH to fix his crap, he doesn't have to face himself. I feel mostly relief at the divorce process. We are pretty much in agreement with everything, 50/50 is standard here and he wants it and really, should have it-he's a good dad.

So, I sleep on the sofabed and dc does too although they have a room. No dining room table dinners but I will set the kitchen bar counter for us. I fold his laundry still-he's been gracious about it- and he still checks the fluid/air/oil levels in my car and maintains them, and I'm gracious about it. Fair trade.

I have not packed up stuff yet, and 6yo does not know (the adult kids do). Because I do not know my move out date, I can't rent something (I pay half mortgage here until closing) so it's too vague yet for dc to understand. I don't even understand why it's taking so long, we both have lawyers! Anyhow, I have been cleaning out closets and drawers and have been mentally planning what I want to take. We don't have anything of particular value (no art or jewelery or expensive stuff) so it will be dividing mostly everyday items.

I very much want my own space with dc, but I'm staying calm and surviving until then. I don't get emotional or angry at dh anymore because I literally do not care.