For those who are separated/divorced

[Anonymous]

I am preparing to file for separation next year. In all likelihood I will be the one moving out. We have one child who will stay in our current home as we cannot afford to buy another one.

To those who are divorced or separated, did you prepare to move out before filing and giving papers to your spouse? Were you all packed up? How did you file without them knowing you were filing? How did the moving proceed? I have already started to throw away or give away much of my items I do not use anymore. My plan is to have a rental ready before filing, have my belongings ready to pack, then tell my spouse.

Any feedback on your experience is appreciated. If it matters, we do not have a hateful relationship at this point. We both agree we are no longer in love and mainly staying due to convenience.

[Anonymous]

Following. I want to leave my marriage. I’m tired of being lonely in my relationship. How do I prepare for separation/divorce? Partner is the main bread winner.

[Anonymous]

My ex bought a townhouse that was a new build and we “separated in place” until it was finished. It was not a secret from each other, but it was a secret from the kids. My ex didn’t have much stuff so it was an easy one day move just using a car.

If things are not contentious I don’t understand why you’d want to file “without them knowing”.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids ? Who owns the house ?

Get a lawyers opinion. But you probably shouldn’t move out without separation agreement in place. I did and it was a big mistake as it dragged on for 4 years. You need to use leverage as much as possible to avoid being screwed over and keep your sanity.

[Anonymous]

I think my spouse will be angry. He thinks our relationship is fine. I’ve told him many times it’s not, we have gone to counseling twice. He hasn’t changed. He is too focused on work. Divorce will upend his easy life, so I expect it will get ugly. I want to prepare and get organized before things get heated so it can go as smoothly as possible.

[Anonymous]

We were separated for 2 years until the pandemic when our divorce is final. I got stuck due to lockdown orders and then challenges with remote school and not normal childcare options. We are both in the martial home but one of us owns it now since we divorced. I have been divorced 18 months. Our kids do not know. Everyone else does. Their life has not changed. We stopped doing holidays, dinners, and anything together many years ago. We have not had the same bedroom for many, many years. We were essentially living separate lives in the marriage so there is literally difference to them.

I am moving soon. We were never telling them until their lives were actually disrupted from moving. We take turns on different days and live like roommates.

I would not tell kids until someone is actually moving.

You can start an in-home separation until you resolve housing issues. Then you can tell them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my spouse will be angry. He thinks our relationship is fine. I’ve told him many times it’s not, we have gone to counseling twice. He hasn’t changed. He is too focused on work. Divorce will upend his easy life, so I expect it will get ugly. I want to prepare and get organized before things get heated so it can go as smoothly as possible.

I hear you, but that is kind of cruel. You will get the benefit of organizing things making financial, social, emotional, logistical arrangements, and you spouse will be all the more upended. Reconsider. ESPECIALLY if you have children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Do you have kids ? Who owns the house ?

Get a lawyers opinion. But you probably shouldn’t move out without separation agreement in place. I did and it was a big mistake as it dragged on for 4 years. You need to use leverage as much as possible to avoid being screwed over and keep your sanity.

You don't read do you? Perhaps try before replying to a post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We were separated for 2 years until the pandemic when our divorce is final. I got stuck due to lockdown orders and then challenges with remote school and not normal childcare options. We are both in the martial home but one of us owns it now since we divorced. I have been divorced 18 months. Our kids do not know. Everyone else does. Their life has not changed. We stopped doing holidays, dinners, and anything together many years ago. We have not had the same bedroom for many, many years. We were essentially living separate lives in the marriage so there is literally difference to them.

I am moving soon. We were never telling them until their lives were actually disrupted from moving. We take turns on different days and live like roommates.

I would not tell kids until someone is actually moving.

You can start an in-home separation until you resolve housing issues. Then you can tell them.

Interesting. Since you have kids did you eat dinner together as a "family"? Did your kids find two you sleeping in different rooms odd or normal since they don't know anything else? Also, without doing holidays, etc how do your kids not know something is off? If we stopped celebrating Christmas together...my kids would be like "what?". Honestly interested to read.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Do you have kids ? Who owns the house ?

Get a lawyers opinion. But you probably shouldn’t move out without separation agreement in place. I did and it was a big mistake as it dragged on for 4 years. You need to use leverage as much as possible to avoid being screwed over and keep your sanity.

Without evening know the details I can answer for the OP because you clearly didn't read what she posted.

1. She's already been to two attorneys. That said, she would know to have a separation agreement. That's why she's planning ahead.
2. She posts she has a child.
3. They are living together now under their home which is owned by both. That's how it works when two people are married. Both spouses own the home regardless of who is on the title.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my spouse will be angry. He thinks our relationship is fine. I’ve told him many times it’s not, we have gone to counseling twice. He hasn’t changed. He is too focused on work. Divorce will upend his easy life, so I expect it will get ugly. I want to prepare and get organized before things get heated so it can go as smoothly as possible.

Clearly he does not understand how serious the situation is from your perspective. If there is any chance he might snap out of his work-always trance if he knew you were at the end of your rope, it might make sense to let him know more directly. He may be thinking you're just going through some ups and downs in the marriage. Maybe if you told him directly that you feel like you're at the end of your rope and ask him whether he sees any possibility that things could change, he might finally understand. -- former workaholic DH who saw the light

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my spouse will be angry. He thinks our relationship is fine. I’ve told him many times it’s not, we have gone to counseling twice. He hasn’t changed. He is too focused on work. Divorce will upend his easy life, so I expect it will get ugly. I want to prepare and get organized before things get heated so it can go as smoothly as possible.

Make sure your lawyer is aware of his personality or likely mental disorders.
Only use text and emails going forward and do Yellow Rock now and going forward.

He sounds delusional and unable to talk with or mediate. Sorry these are usually the mentally disordered High Conflict types in court and the ones who will go falsely disparage you to anyone who will listen to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think my spouse will be angry. He thinks our relationship is fine. I’ve told him many times it’s not, we have gone to counseling twice. He hasn’t changed. He is too focused on work. Divorce will upend his easy life, so I expect it will get ugly. I want to prepare and get organized before things get heated so it can go as smoothly as possible.

If you are the OP then you should consider that he will also be angry, and perhaps even more angry, if you secretly get everything ready and then one day boom move out and file. Not saying you should do nothing to prepare, but I would advise telling him in advance you intend to move out and divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think my spouse will be angry. He thinks our relationship is fine. I’ve told him many times it’s not, we have gone to counseling twice. He hasn’t changed. He is too focused on work. Divorce will upend his easy life, so I expect it will get ugly. I want to prepare and get organized before things get heated so it can go as smoothly as possible.

Clearly he does not understand how serious the situation is from your perspective. If there is any chance he might snap out of his work-always trance if he knew you were at the end of your rope, it might make sense to let him know more directly. He may be thinking you're just going through some ups and downs in the marriage. Maybe if you told him directly that you feel like you're at the end of your rope and ask him whether he sees any possibility that things could change, he might finally understand. -- former workaholic DH who saw the light

Sometimes an ultimatum finally gets a person's attention. If you say that this has to change or I do not see a future to this marriage. I don't want to leave I would like to have a different life with you, but it can't be this life that has developed to become this. He might change, and in any event if you do this he can never claim to be surprised.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We were separated for 2 years until the pandemic when our divorce is final. I got stuck due to lockdown orders and then challenges with remote school and not normal childcare options. We are both in the martial home but one of us owns it now since we divorced. I have been divorced 18 months. Our kids do not know. Everyone else does. Their life has not changed. We stopped doing holidays, dinners, and anything together many years ago. We have not had the same bedroom for many, many years. We were essentially living separate lives in the marriage so there is literally difference to them.

I am moving soon. We were never telling them until their lives were actually disrupted from moving. We take turns on different days and live like roommates.

I would not tell kids until someone is actually moving.

You can start an in-home separation until you resolve housing issues. Then you can tell them.

Interesting. Since you have kids did you eat dinner together as a "family"? Did your kids find two you sleeping in different rooms odd or normal since they don't know anything else? Also, without doing holidays, etc how do your kids not know something is off? If we stopped celebrating Christmas together...my kids would be like "what?". Honestly interested to read.

They don't remember us sleeping in the same room. We celebrate Christmas with our own families. My parents did this and they were/are married. My parents did not get along with their in-laws. It was such a relief not to see each other's families for the holidays anymore. The kids go with each of us to our famlies. It is not always exactly on Christmas. Who cares? The winter break is long.