Parents who don’t foster healthy relationships in childhood yet expect them in adulthood?

[Anonymous]

I don't think your mom expects to have a normal relationship, she hopes for it and wishes it to be true. She probably knows she's been a lousy mother in many ways but she also probably wishes she could be better.

I think if I were you I would be very clear with your mother what words and behaviors you cannot tolerate and if she is able to comply then try to forge a new somewhat "normal" relationship with her, if you want to.

Probably unrealistic to expect her to acknowledge or apologize for all the things she did wrong in the past. Very unlikely that will happen. If that's what you need you might want to just move on without her instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this seems like something to explore in therapy. Your mother was a child when she had you.

If you can find a way to view her as a flawed human who did the best she could, you might be able to find some compassion for her.

This.

Are you a mother yet? That should give you a different perspective. I hope you have a 16 year old daughter someday so you can see things from the other side.

If you could build a loving relationship with your in-laws, then surely you can have a relationship with your own mother.

Get therapy, and build a healthy new relationship with your mom. Forget the past, and focus on the present.

Only a person who has a nomal parental relationship can say this. Once I had my child, I had a lot of realizations about the abuse that I went through growing up and not even knowing it. I realized that I was an unhappy child, depressed and I remember at least at one point that I wanted to die. I only realized this when I had a child that I need to care for and raise and found out I did not want a lot of things that affected me psychologically to affect DC. Thank for your post OP, I’m having such a hard time accepting why I don’t love my mom and I think this is one of the big reasons why.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother has those expectations as well. Once I read, "The hardest thing about having a narcissistic parent as a grown person is the expectation of a relationship that doesn't exist."

Wow! I relate to this strongly. I went through stages of trying to please and appease, then creating distance, then never giving her anything she could use against me, and then was butting up against the fact that there really was no relationship. I didn't exist as a real person to her, only like an appendage, and she tried to get me to play along, and I totally played along, flapping a phantom limb, until it got to be entirely ridiculous. I had no mother!

When it comes to accepting flawed people who did their best, I have that going on with my dad. We've had a road, but he is about the most lovely guy who ever made the mistake of having married and made kids with a crazy toxic person. He wasn't even close to perfect when I was growing up, but he is a source of comfort now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this seems like something to explore in therapy. Your mother was a child when she had you.

If you can find a way to view her as a flawed human who did the best she could, you might be able to find some compassion for her.

This.

Are you a mother yet? That should give you a different perspective. I hope you have a 16 year old daughter someday so you can see things from the other side.

If you could build a loving relationship with your in-laws, then surely you can have a relationship with your own mother.

Get therapy, and build a healthy new relationship with your mom. Forget the past, and focus on the present.

Only a person who has a nomal parental relationship can say this. Once I had my child, I had a lot of realizations about the abuse that I went through growing up and not even knowing it. I realized that I was an unhappy child, depressed and I remember at least at one point that I wanted to die. I only realized this when I had a child that I need to care for and raise and found out I did not want a lot of things that affected me psychologically to affect DC. Thank for your post OP, I’m having such a hard time accepting why I don’t love my mom and I think this is one of the big reasons why.

+1

After many years of trying to create safe distance and make believe, I cut off my mom when my DC turned 3 because I didn't want her in our life at all. Having a 3yo, and remembering how my mom treated a 3yo, well, that clenched it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this seems like something to explore in therapy. Your mother was a child when she had you.

If you can find a way to view her as a flawed human who did the best she could, you might be able to find some compassion for her.

This.

Are you a mother yet? That should give you a different perspective. I hope you have a 16 year old daughter someday so you can see things from the other side.

If you could build a loving relationship with your in-laws, then surely you can have a relationship with your own mother.

Get therapy, and build a healthy new relationship with your mom. Forget the past, and focus on the present.

Nope. Sorry. It doesn’t work this way. A lifetime’s worth of actions have consequences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother has those expectations as well. Once I read, "The hardest thing about having a narcissistic parent as a grown person is the expectation of a relationship that doesn't exist."

Wow! I relate to this strongly. I went through stages of trying to please and appease, then creating distance, then never giving her anything she could use against me, and then was butting up against the fact that there really was no relationship. I didn't exist as a real person to her, only like an appendage, and she tried to get me to play along, and I totally played along, flapping a phantom limb, until it got to be entirely ridiculous. I had no mother!

When it comes to accepting flawed people who did their best, I have that going on with my dad. We've had a road, but he is about the most lovely guy who ever made the mistake of having married and made kids with a crazy toxic person. He wasn't even close to perfect when I was growing up, but he is a source of comfort now.

Pp, how did you co.e to terms with your mom issue? I'm still figuring out mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother has those expectations as well. Once I read, "The hardest thing about having a narcissistic parent as a grown person is the expectation of a relationship that doesn't exist."

Wow! I relate to this strongly. I went through stages of trying to please and appease, then creating distance, then never giving her anything she could use against me, and then was butting up against the fact that there really was no relationship. I didn't exist as a real person to her, only like an appendage, and she tried to get me to play along, and I totally played along, flapping a phantom limb, until it got to be entirely ridiculous. I had no mother!

When it comes to accepting flawed people who did their best, I have that going on with my dad. We've had a road, but he is about the most lovely guy who ever made the mistake of having married and made kids with a crazy toxic person. He wasn't even close to perfect when I was growing up, but he is a source of comfort now.

Pp, how did you co.e to terms with your mom issue? I'm still figuring out mine.

I had a total stress breakdown after a visit with her, and started weekly therapy. Within a few months of therapy, I decided to stop communicating with her. It has been 2 years since then. I am content with the decision. I have made more personal progress these past two years than I thought possible. My decision made some waves through my family, but positive, it made things that were not acknowledged get acknowledged, people seem more like they want to deal in reality than they did before.

I have a close friend who dealt with a narcissistic abusive mom with firm boundaries and lots of strategies and distance, and it seems to work for her. Not saying estrangement is for everyone.

I recommend therapy. Prior to therapy, I read lots of good books. Books can't do what therapy does.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother has those expectations as well. Once I read, "The hardest thing about having a narcissistic parent as a grown person is the expectation of a relationship that doesn't exist."

Wow! I relate to this strongly. I went through stages of trying to please and appease, then creating distance, then never giving her anything she could use against me, and then was butting up against the fact that there really was no relationship. I didn't exist as a real person to her, only like an appendage, and she tried to get me to play along, and I totally played along, flapping a phantom limb, until it got to be entirely ridiculous. I had no mother!

When it comes to accepting flawed people who did their best, I have that going on with my dad. We've had a road, but he is about the most lovely guy who ever made the mistake of having married and made kids with a crazy toxic person. He wasn't even close to perfect when I was growing up, but he is a source of comfort now.

Pp, how did you co.e to terms with your mom issue? I'm still figuring out mine.

I had a total stress breakdown after a visit with her, and started weekly therapy. Within a few months of therapy, I decided to stop communicating with her. It has been 2 years since then. I am content with the decision. I have made more personal progress these past two years than I thought possible. My decision made some waves through my family, but positive, it made things that were not acknowledged get acknowledged, people seem more like they want to deal in reality than they did before.

I have a close friend who dealt with a narcissistic abusive mom with firm boundaries and lots of strategies and distance, and it seems to work for her. Not saying estrangement is for everyone.

I recommend therapy. Prior to therapy, I read lots of good books. Books can't do what therapy does.

Different poster, but I agree with this. Therapy helped me see the dynamics more clearly and in my case it helped me figure out my boundaries and enforce them despite protest and tantrums. At first it sent bad ripples through my family and I made the villain. When I didn't flint slowly the boundaries started getting respected a bit more. I like the above poster's friend also use lots of strategies for distance. It was important to me to have some relationship, even if distant and light as long as there was no abuse tolerated.

Therapy has also sent me into the dark hole of facing a lot of what happened in childhood rather than gaslighting myself. My therapist didn't force it, but my progress led to it. I am starting to accept there was widespread dysfunction and feel sad for the people pleasing child I used to be who was often used as a target.

I think the poster who said you will have new empathy and understanding when you become a parent is just unable to have empathy for those who experience abusive families and she is gaslighting you based on ignorance. Becoming a parent made me all the more sad the child I used to be and it made me determined to break the patterns of dysfunction. I am very much an imperfect and flawed parent, but unlike my mother I acknowledge my mistakes and apologize and work hard to grow as a person. I can self reflect. I could list for all the things I need to work on. My kids are allowed to share where they disagree with me or to tell me when I hurt their feelings and we have open dialogue. I am not a queen!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this seems like something to explore in therapy. Your mother was a child when she had you.

If you can find a way to view her as a flawed human who did the best she could, you might be able to find some compassion for her.

This.

Are you a mother yet? That should give you a different perspective. I hope you have a 16 year old daughter someday so you can see things from the other side.

If you could build a loving relationship with your in-laws, then surely you can have a relationship with your own mother.

Get therapy, and build a healthy new relationship with your mom. Forget the past, and focus on the present.

Only a person who has a nomal parental relationship can say this. Once I had my child, I had a lot of realizations about the abuse that I went through growing up and not even knowing it. I realized that I was an unhappy child, depressed and I remember at least at one point that I wanted to die. I only realized this when I had a child that I need to care for and raise and found out I did not want a lot of things that affected me psychologically to affect DC. Thank for your post OP, I’m having such a hard time accepting why I don’t love my mom and I think this is one of the big reasons why.

+1

After many years of trying to create safe distance and make believe, I cut off my mom when my DC turned 3 because I didn't want her in our life at all. Having a 3yo, and remembering how my mom treated a 3yo, well, that clenched it.

Not OP but thank you for these comments. That is exactly how I feel and why I have distanced myself from my mother. I have a 4yo and and it boggles my mind that my mother beat me with a belt at that age. I used to think it was normal and ok for parents to be authoritarians but in handling the tantrums or disobedience that is normal for small children, I know there is a better way. It takes a LOT of work and control to manage the only response that I know and experienced growing up but I hope I am giving my kids a better life.

OP - my mom had kids young and with an absentee partner and I know exactly how you feel. I heard "I wish I never had kids" my entire life. Your mother was emotionally immature and still does not understand (or want to understand) the impact of her words and actions.

You were and are not responsible for her feelings. Only she can work that out.

Good luck to you.