Parents who don’t foster healthy relationships in childhood yet expect them in adulthood?

[Anonymous]

What is with parents like this?

My mother had me at 16 and always made it abundantly clear what a burden I was. Every time she couldn’t afford something or had to pay for something that was broken, she would tell me how she couldn’t afford it because of me. She worked demanding jobs because of me. Even in adulthood, my successes were her failures. I am so tired of hearing how she wishes she could have had it that easy (as if it were easy? and as if I chose to be born?)

I’m not close with her, but now that she’s in her 50s, she likes to pretend things are perfect. They aren’t and will never be, and we will never be close like her friends are with their YA children. She didn’t foster that.

So she’s jealous of my ILs, who accepted me as their own and whom I’m closer to than my own mom. I’m not going to change my life to suit her delusions. But surely she has to know why our relationship is the way it is? She has to know how she treated me, blamed me, didn’t show love? Why are parents like this, like this?

[Anonymous]

OP this seems like something to explore in therapy. Your mother was a child when she had you.

If you can find a way to view her as a flawed human who did the best she could, you might be able to find some compassion for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this seems like something to explore in therapy. Your mother was a child when she had you.

If you can find a way to view her as a flawed human who did the best she could, you might be able to find some compassion for her.

+1 You need to be the mother you never had to yourself OP. You need to move on from your toxic childhood and you can choose to forgive differ give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this seems like something to explore in therapy. Your mother was a child when she had you.

If you can find a way to view her as a flawed human who did the best she could, you might be able to find some compassion for herf

Yes and no. I am in somewhat of a similar situation as OP. While it is true that my mother had a really tough time when I was born, I don't think that excuses her behavior and attitude towards me throughout my childhood.

I do try to be understanding of how difficult things were for her, especially as I am also now a mother and realize how tough it is to be a parent, but when a child is blamed by the parent for their very existence all throughout childhood, that leaves a permanent stain on the relationship.

Therapy can help OP with her own issues and feelings but it is not OP's responsibility to try to repair the broken relationship, especially if the parent *still* refuses to acknowledge what she did wrong and pretend that everything was fine.

I still talk to my mother. I support her financially, but we will never have a close relationship. And that is sad, but I have come to accept it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this seems like something to explore in therapy. Your mother was a child when she had you.

If you can find a way to view her as a flawed human who did the best she could, you might be able to find some compassion for her.

+1 You need to be the mother you never had to yourself OP. You need to move on from your toxic childhood and you can choose to forgive differ give.

I could forgive my childhood if I wasn’t still being blamed in adulthood

[Anonymous]

My mother has those expectations as well. Once I read, "The hardest thing about having a narcissistic parent as a grown person is the expectation of a relationship that doesn't exist."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is with parents like this?

My mother had me at 16 and always made it abundantly clear what a burden I was. Every time she couldn’t afford something or had to pay for something that was broken, she would tell me how she couldn’t afford it because of me. She worked demanding jobs because of me. Even in adulthood, my successes were her failures. I am so tired of hearing how she wishes she could have had it that easy (as if it were easy? and as if I chose to be born?)

I’m not close with her, but now that she’s in her 50s, she likes to pretend things are perfect. They aren’t and will never be, and we will never be close like her friends are with their YA children. She didn’t foster that.

So she’s jealous of my ILs, who accepted me as their own and whom I’m closer to than my own mom. I’m not going to change my life to suit her delusions. But surely she has to know why our relationship is the way it is? She has to know how she treated me, blamed me, didn’t show love? Why are parents like this, like this?

Oh dear OP, I suspect that she does NOT know any of this. You know it. She was depressed and maybe mean and took it out on you. All of those things she said, the way she treated you, are imprinted on your heart. They may not even be in her head. My Mom always says, children never forget how you treat you them. Maybe if you are interested, family counseling will open her eyes to your reality. Wonderful that you married into a loving family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP this seems like something to explore in therapy. Your mother was a child when she had you.

If you can find a way to view her as a flawed human who did the best she could, you might be able to find some compassion for her.

You can’t make mistakes raising kids and then say “my bad”.

You don’t create a strong bond, there is no strong bond. It’s not the child’s fault/responsibility to create that bind.

OP has a full life, she is not responsible for her mom’s happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is with parents like this?

My mother had me at 16 and always made it abundantly clear what a burden I was. Every time she couldn’t afford something or had to pay for something that was broken, she would tell me how she couldn’t afford it because of me. She worked demanding jobs because of me. Even in adulthood, my successes were her failures. I am so tired of hearing how she wishes she could have had it that easy (as if it were easy? and as if I chose to be born?)

I’m not close with her, but now that she’s in her 50s, she likes to pretend things are perfect. They aren’t and will never be, and we will never be close like her friends are with their YA children. She didn’t foster that.

So she’s jealous of my ILs, who accepted me as their own and whom I’m closer to than my own mom. I’m not going to change my life to suit her delusions. But surely she has to know why our relationship is the way it is? She has to know how she treated me, blamed me, didn’t show love? Why are parents like this, like this?

Oh dear OP, I suspect that she does NOT know any of this. You know it. She was depressed and maybe mean and took it out on you. All of those things she said, the way she treated you, are imprinted on your heart. They may not even be in her head. My Mom always says, children never forget how you treat you them. Maybe if you are interested, family counseling will open her eyes to your reality. Wonderful that you married into a loving family.

The first step in wanting to seek therapy is acknowledging that there is an issue. OP's mom doesn't see that there is an issue. Do you really think she'd agree to therapy? Nope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is with parents like this?

My mother had me at 16 and always made it abundantly clear what a burden I was. Every time she couldn’t afford something or had to pay for something that was broken, she would tell me how she couldn’t afford it because of me. She worked demanding jobs because of me. Even in adulthood, my successes were her failures. I am so tired of hearing how she wishes she could have had it that easy (as if it were easy? and as if I chose to be born?)

I’m not close with her, but now that she’s in her 50s, she likes to pretend things are perfect. They aren’t and will never be, and we will never be close like her friends are with their YA children. She didn’t foster that.

So she’s jealous of my ILs, who accepted me as their own and whom I’m closer to than my own mom. I’m not going to change my life to suit her delusions. But surely she has to know why our relationship is the way it is? She has to know how she treated me, blamed me, didn’t show love? Why are parents like this, like this?

Oh dear OP, I suspect that she does NOT know any of this. You know it. She was depressed and maybe mean and took it out on you. All of those things she said, the way she treated you, are imprinted on your heart. They may not even be in her head. My Mom always says, children never forget how you treat you them. Maybe if you are interested, family counseling will open her eyes to your reality. Wonderful that you married into a loving family.

Why? Op has a life. She doesn’t need to fix her relationship with her mom, her mom just needs to understand it’s not great/healthy and live with the consequences of her actions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother has those expectations as well. Once I read, "The hardest thing about having a narcissistic parent as a grown person is the expectation of a relationship that doesn't exist."

I relate to this and your situation OP, though my mom wasn't so young. In my mom's case it's both my relationship and with my sister. She turned her head to very disturbing behavior from my sister that went far beyond sibling rivalry. Grandparents, teachers, etc pointed out her toxic behavior and she went into denial and became defensive. My sister was her Golden. I was the scapegoat and there was no changing that. Now she's bitter that I was there more for my dad than I am for her. She insists I be close to my sister and refuses to accept we are estranged. My sister fuels her fire and I just step back further.

I love the book recommended here- Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents or something like that. My mother also envies how close I am to others. I think she also cannot comprehend that my husband I don't scream at eachother and insult eachother because that how she and my father were.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this seems like something to explore in therapy. Your mother was a child when she had you.

If you can find a way to view her as a flawed human who did the best she could, you might be able to find some compassion for herf

Yes and no. I am in somewhat of a similar situation as OP. While it is true that my mother had a really tough time when I was born, I don't think that excuses her behavior and attitude towards me throughout my childhood.

I do try to be understanding of how difficult things were for her, especially as I am also now a mother and realize how tough it is to be a parent, but when a child is blamed by the parent for their very existence all throughout childhood, that leaves a permanent stain on the relationship.

Therapy can help OP with her own issues and feelings but it is not OP's responsibility to try to repair the broken relationship, especially if the parent *still* refuses to acknowledge what she did wrong and pretend that everything was fine.

I still talk to my mother. I support her financially, but we will never have a close relationship. And that is sad, but I have come to accept it.

+1 My mother is lucky my siblings and I have any kind of relationship with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mother has those expectations as well. Once I read, "The hardest thing about having a narcissistic parent as a grown person is the expectation of a relationship that doesn't exist."

I relate to this and your situation OP, though my mom wasn't so young. In my mom's case it's both my relationship and with my sister. She turned her head to very disturbing behavior from my sister that went far beyond sibling rivalry. Grandparents, teachers, etc pointed out her toxic behavior and she went into denial and became defensive. My sister was her Golden. I was the scapegoat and there was no changing that. Now she's bitter that I was there more for my dad than I am for her. She insists I be close to my sister and refuses to accept we are estranged. My sister fuels her fire and I just step back further.

I love the book recommended here- Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents or something like that. My mother also envies how close I am to others. I think she also cannot comprehend that my husband I don't scream at eachother and insult eachother because that how she and my father were.

This is a great book! Came from a home with emotionally immature parents and saw my parent’s in this book a lot. Your mom sounds a lot like my mom- cannot be accountable for actions and if emotional work is to be done in the relationship, you need to do it. I think you need to move on. You can have compassion for her as a teenage mom and for little childhood you, but that’s probably as far as you can go.

[Anonymous]

Your mother was a child when she had a child. Going through something traumatic (yes, having a baby at 16 falls into that category, even if you're perfectly wonderful which I'm sure you are) stunts developmental growth. Your mom has some amount of arrested development.

If having interactions with your inlaws is more pleasant for you that's fine. I mean, it's sad but understandable. But there's no need to rub your mom's face in it - she doesn't need to know every time you hang out with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP this seems like something to explore in therapy. Your mother was a child when she had you.

If you can find a way to view her as a flawed human who did the best she could, you might be able to find some compassion for her.

You can’t make mistakes raising kids and then say “my bad”.

You don’t create a strong bond, there is no strong bond. It’s not the child’s fault/responsibility to create that bind.

OP has a full life, she is not responsible for her mom’s happiness.

PP who posted this and I agree 100% that she's not responsible for her mom's happiness at all. And she doesn't even have to like her mom, forgive her mom, or have a relationship with her mom.

But, being able to see her mom as a flawed human vs. someone who is intentionally hurting her could be very freeing for HER.

My father did some super crappy things when I was a child. As an adult, I understand that he has suffered his entire life with untreated anxiety that manifested as anger. It helps me see that it's not personal, and that he was suffering in his own way. I dunno if I'm making sense. Anyway, not trying to blame the OP at all or say she needs to foster a relationship with her mom.