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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My mother has those expectations as well. Once I read, "The hardest thing about having a narcissistic parent as a grown person is the expectation of a relationship that doesn't exist."[/quote]

Wow! I relate to this strongly. I went through stages of trying to please and appease, then creating distance, then never giving her anything she could use against me, and then was butting up against the fact that there really was no relationship. I didn't exist as a real person to her, only like an appendage, and she tried to get me to play along, and I totally played along, flapping a phantom limb, until it got to be entirely ridiculous. I had no mother!

When it comes to accepting flawed people who did their best, I have that going on with my dad. We've had a road, but he is about the most lovely guy who ever made the mistake of having married and made kids with a crazy toxic person. He wasn't even close to perfect when I was growing up, but he is a source of comfort now. [/quote]

Pp, how did you co.e to terms with your mom issue?  I'm still figuring out mine.[/quote]

I had a total stress breakdown after a visit with her, and started weekly therapy. Within a few months of therapy, I decided to stop communicating with her. It has been 2 years since then. I am content with the decision. I have made more personal progress these past two years than I thought possible. My decision made some waves through my family, but positive, it made things that were not acknowledged get acknowledged, people seem more like they want to deal in reality than they did before.

I have a close friend who dealt with a narcissistic abusive mom with firm boundaries and lots of strategies and distance, and it seems to work for her. Not saying estrangement is for everyone.

I recommend therapy. Prior to therapy, I read lots of good books. Books can't do what therapy does.[/quote]

Different poster, but I agree with this. Therapy helped me see the dynamics more clearly and in my case it helped me figure out my boundaries and enforce them despite protest and tantrums. At first it sent bad ripples through my family and I made the villain. When I didn't flint slowly the boundaries started getting respected a bit more. I like the above poster's friend also use lots of strategies for distance. It was important to me to have some relationship, even if distant and light as long as there was no abuse tolerated.

Therapy has also sent me into the dark hole of facing a lot of what happened in childhood rather than gaslighting myself. My therapist didn't force it, but my progress led to it. I am starting to accept there was widespread dysfunction and feel sad for the people pleasing child I used to be who was often used as a target.

I think the poster who said you will have new empathy and understanding when you become a parent is just unable to have empathy for those who experience abusive families and she is gaslighting you based on ignorance. Becoming a parent made me all the more sad the child I used to be and it made me determined to break the patterns of dysfunction. I am very much an imperfect and flawed parent, but unlike my mother I acknowledge my mistakes and apologize and work hard to grow as a person. I can self reflect. I could list for all the things I need to work on. My kids are allowed to share where they disagree with me or to tell me when I hurt their feelings and we have open dialogue. I am not a queen![/quote]

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