Having your baby in your 40s another viewpoint.

[Anonymous]

DS (light of my life and only) born at age 44, now age 15. DH and I were in perfect health at the time and full of energy. DS, got 10 apgar. So perfect baby, perfect family. Except that he is frail. Months sick as a baby. He just is not as robust as other kids are and frankly, we are not as robust as other parents, who are 15-20 years younger than we are. Spent last week at home sick. Went back to school, broke a bone, back home again. Multiple doctor visits--bone problem. I looked at his school record. 10+ days a year sick during school--every year. He is accident prone from some medical issues -- again you cannot see them. There are many old farmer jokes about older breeders that have an unfortunate ring of truth. Would he be stronger if his mother had been younger? Ask a doctor--sobering.

DH and I had some health issues in our mid 50s, when he was 9. I wish he had not had to go through that with us. We do not look the slightest bit ill, but unfortunately there was not a full recovery. Awkward to say the least. There are times when he has to help us.

Motherhood after 40 is not the same as in your 30s. I wish it were. Energy wise, there is no comparison. He is a great kid -- the best ever, but so much of his life has passed by in a haze of exhaustion. We don't remember many of the "moments" If it wasn't for money we would be sunk, and he would be our caretakers, as he was for some time at 9. We put an enormous amount of energy into acting "normal" for him, for ourselves, to have a family. This would not have been necessary or even an issue if we had had him 10 years earlier.

I understand if having your child in your 40s is the only possible way. What can you do? But to say it’s just the same, go for it, no problem. It just is not like that, and it is annoying to have someone who is in their 30s tell the story of how it is all the same, and in your mind. How I wish I could wish away our health issues! Maybe others are far more comfortable with their kids taking care of them during their children's childhood. So many of the stories on the internet about older parents seem to end at the birth. As if there was nothing else involved after that. Any mother knows differently.
We know 4 other families who also are older with older DCs. They are having much the same experience. (They are not writing on the internet!) Fortunately, we/they have money. We are not rich, but we have a cushion that allows for our steadily decreasing energy, and outsourcing. It is not a luxury for us – it is a necessity.
When I say older parents, I do not mean older as in 32, I mean older as in 42+. There is a big difference in those years; even in the years between 38 to 42. Five years is a long time -- the whole of the preschool years, college + a year, MS + HS.
It is something to consider. IMHO it is not a "just go for it!!" sort of decision. The reason I say you can't "see" them is posters saying the older parents are "just fine!" just don't understand that they may not be as fine as they look -- nor are they sharing their health issues.
People who see us together think -- how sweet he is to his grandmother (oops that slipped out at the grocery store). What a nice boy, so strong and tall. How I love him!

[Anonymous]

Admittedly I am not the parent of a 15 year-old, but I am 50 and DH is 54 and we are parents to an 11 year-old and a 9 year-old. Yes, we have a little less energy than we did at age 30, but we still do "active" things together as a family. Last summer we went kayaking and bike camping. We also ride roller coasters together, go ice skating, ride bikes along the Mount Vernon trail, etc.

No, I don't know if my kids will need to "take care of us" when they are in high school, or even tomorrow. But to suggest that everyone is plagued by health issues in their late 50s is disingenuous. Health issues can affect parents (and kids) at any age.

[Anonymous]

...at 50 I was in perfect health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:...at 50 I was in perfect health.

And a dear friend died from cancer at age 41 as a mom of twin 5 year-old girls.

[Anonymous]

OP: Thank you for your thoughtful story.

[Anonymous]

So your child's health issues are due to your age? Or it's just harder to deal with them at your age? I know people in their early thirties that have chronically sick children.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for your refreshing honesty, OP. I agree that many older Moms (on DCUM at least) like to paint a rosy picture rather than admitting that, all things considered, it would've been best to start their family 5-10 years earlier.

So many of the stories on the internet about older parents seem to end at the birth.

I so agree with this sentiment. I've noticed that those who shout "it's great/no big difference from your 30's", etc are older Moms to young children. I think if someone where to ask parents in your demographic (older Mom whose child is now a teen), the responses they would get would be entirely different.

Again, thanks for your honestly. I think the IVF world has done a huge disservice to women by promoting the "you can have a child at 45" position.

[Anonymous]

There are pros and cons and no one gets guarantees when it comes to the life challenges ahead. My mom was a young mom -- she had me at 25. She died of cancer at 41, leaving behind three young children.

DH is an old dad. He was 40 when we married and had our last kid when he was 50. He's in his 60's now and my two teenagers had to deal with his recent hip replacement surgery. I know it has crossed their minds that their dad is older than most dads and I sometimes wish he were younger and more active (I'm 51). But he's a great dad and my kids are lucky to have him.

Here's the thing. You just never know. I'm now ten years older than my mom was when she passed away, and so far I've been blessed with good health, but who knows? Life is uncertain and you just have to forge ahead and do the best you can. That's all any of us can do. Oh -- and try to be happy.

[Anonymous]

I am going to look at this from another perspective, as the mother of a robust 18 month old, born when I was 44.

OP, you present your story of your child's condition as if it is a given that it is a result of you being older when he was born. There are so many other reasons that could have caused his issues, including, although you do not say it, IVF handling or illness during your pregnancy.

I am sorry you and your husband are in ill health. Yes, you were healthier when you were younger, and if you had had a child then, then perhaps you would be a more able parent. I'd like to point out, however, that just because you are ill as an older parent does not mean that all parents that have children in their 40s will be ill in their 50s.

Plus, if you want to say that the chance of illness down the line should give you a reason not to have a child, then I suggest that any person who has risk factors for later health issues should think twice before having children. For example, if you a person who flirts with obesity, then you should think about whether your health and your ability to keep up with your child should force you to choose not to have a child.

I do not see anyone screaming on these board that overweight parents should not have children. There should not be such doomsday naysaying about older parents either. I can keep up with my toddler just as well as my younger overweight neighbor can keep up with hers. In fact, I'd say I can outrun her in a heartbeat.

And, BTW, I do agree with the previous poster than the media, and reproductive clinics, have done a disservice to potential parents that they can have children well over 40. I did not go the IVF route, but seeing all those 40 something stars with babies made my husband sure we'd be able to have a child later. We had pretty much given up when we got our little one (who is our second, btw). I had my first in my late 30s.

[Anonymous]

We're also older parents and I have always cautioned that you have less energy but more resources. However, sometimes you have to deal with what life dealt you. I've known any number of friends who had health issues in their late 20's and their 30's but they still managed. Yes, it is true that you are more likely to have health issues when you are older, but your situation isn't that different from my friend who was diagnosed with Lupus when her child was 2 years old...and she was 28. The last 14 years have been very difficult for her (especially the teenage years when her marriage eroded), but she's managed and she's got a great kid.

OP, thank you for sharing. It is important that potential parents go into such a situation informed and with their eyes open. Your warning isn't a DANGER--NEVER DO THIS, but a CAUTION--THIS IS WHAT YOU MAY BE IN FOR message that is worthwhile to consider. And it is good for parents who have the option to conceive in their 30's to seriously consider it before waiting until later because "they have time."

[Anonymous]

Hi OP, thank you so much for your honest perspective. I started the thread about motherhood at 41 and perspectives like yours are exactly what I was looking for (my thread unfortunately derailed into an older vs. younger mom insult slinging battle, sigh).

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your post OP. I am an "older" mother - child was born when I was 39. I have to be honest - I do wish it had been sooner.(life circumstances did not permit it). And I'm glad it wasn't any later. But I so wouldn't miss it!

I have friends who are hoping to adopt in their later 40s and even though I am trying to be supportive - I do have concerns that they aren't looking far enough down the road. I know they long for a child like anyone else - but I hope they will consider all the possible scenarios. I think sometimes we can be blind to everything in our quest to become parents. And part of that is due to biology.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for your post OP. I am an "older" mother - child was born when I was 39. I have to be honest - I do wish it had been sooner.(life circumstances did not permit it). And I'm glad it wasn't any later. But I so wouldn't miss it!

I have friends who are hoping to adopt in their later 40s and even though I am trying to be supportive - I do have concerns that they aren't looking far enough down the road. I know they long for a child like anyone else - but I hope they will consider all the possible scenarios. I think sometimes we can be blind to everything in our quest to become parents. And part of that is due to biology.

How old is your child now? Have you entered the teen years?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:...at 50 I was in perfect health.

And a dear friend died from cancer at age 41 as a mom of twin 5 year-old girls.

DH dropped dead from a heat attack at age 40. Fun times!

[Anonymous]

OP here: One of the points I was trying to make is that the health issues would not have been issues if we had our DS in our 20s-30s. (Unfortunately not in our control) He would not have even known much about it, not to mention not been stuck in the middle of it. Yes, there is a genetic link, but back in 1997 we had no symptoms and were very active. Life has no guarantees. But, you face greater odds when you are older. Everyone knows someone who died young. That does not make it a norm.