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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I am so sorry that you are struggling like this.

You have two issues - 1) you need help because there is a lot on your plate and 2) your DH has ADHD brain

I have only come across two kinds of men in my life -  1) men who have ADHD brain that seems to lack organizational abilities and common sense  and 2) Conniving, clever, vicious men who are manipulative and toxic.  I will take the ADHD brain man every single time.

My DH also has ADHD brain (and so does my son ).  Here is how you live happily with them -

- Make sure that they are doing well at their jobs and they should  continue to get certifications and professional skills.  Usually ADHD men are pretty competent at work because they are doing the kinds of jobs that are pretty well-defined with standard operating processes.  And they can be very focussed on limited things.   Not doing well at work will make them depressed.  And trust me that you do not want a depressed ADHD person at home.  My ADHD DH is a beloved boss because he is very well informed in his area of expertise, has a very high level idea of what he wants, therefore he gives autonomy to his subordinates to work out the details and has a lot of compassion for family issues.  He is consistently one of the top performers at work (even though he cannot project manage to save his life) as he is great at getting the big picture.

- Make sure that they are exercising and active.  Make sure that their gut is healthy.  Make sure that they are not taking anything that can mess with their brain chemistry and gut health.  No -vaping,  alcohol, caffeine, soda, processed food, nicotine,  drugs etc.   The more fresh veggies and fruits  they will have, the sharper their brain becomes.  Make sure that they are a few pounds below their ideal weight also.  And pooping regularly is important so make sure they are getting enough fiber.  Sleep is also very important to them.

- Find out what they are good at or like to do and you focus them on doing that activity only.  My DH likes to cook.  I only have to manage the quantities he cooks but apart from that he does a competent job of cooking, cleaning and refrigerating.  He however forgets what he has cooked.  My job is to hunt the leftovers and make sure that it gets finished.

- Have an uncluttered home.  They clutter up every place they live just by being in that space and then  they become even more "stupid".  Make sure that you declutter like a fiend.  The less things they have the better they can manage in their environment.

- Clothes -  Make sure that you have "uniforms" for every person in the house for "every day", "lounging/nightime", "fancy dressing".   The more clothes you have the sloppier they will dress.  Your dressers and closets should only be 40% full.  Make it easy for them to dress up and dress the kids.  Simplify. And the way to simplify is to have "uniforms".

- SOP.   You need to have standard operating procedures for most things for them.  They are excellent for following it to the tee.  My ADHD man was  great during the COVID hygiene rituals that we had to follow.

-  Manage the finances.  Let them do the investing in mutual funds, but the household budget needs to be tightly controlled by you so that they do not do excessive spending.

-  One instruction at a time.   Yup, you need to give them one instruction at a time, make them responsible for only one or two major things (under your watch).

- Outsource what you do not have energy for.  Outsource what is essential to have a functional household.

- Have the following written down and stick to it -   BUDGET,  Medication, Phone numbers, Doctors, School, Office, Support system contacts, periodic and seasonal tasks.

- Have projects for them with an end in sight.   This is essential.  You must tell them they need to do x, y, and z.  And you must tell them how much time it will take.  I make my entire household clean up the house in 10 minutes, twice a day.  All I do is set up the timer for 10 minutes and tell every one to put 20 things away in its proper place.  All of my family members zip around like electrons putting the house straight.  And within 5-10 minutes my house is pretty organized every single day.  Especially important for the ADHD household. Neatness is the key.

-  Organize a shelf at a time.  Or a room at a time.  Or a category at a time. Asking them to organize everything at once will not work.  You need to become minimalistic.

- Don't let them go to Costco alone.

- Have a thriving social life and don't let them get isolated.  Do simple entertaining with an activity thrown in.  Game nights are my DH's favorite time because food is fairly simple, it is inclusive, set up is easy, cleanup is easy  and at a fixed time every leaves.

- Don't make him responsible for things in the house that requires care - plants, pets etc.  Keep expectation low.  When I leave my house for a long period, I only want my kids fed and safe and my house not burned down.  That is the extent of what I expect my DH to do.

HOWEVER, he is a good provider and a loving father.  He is loving and loyal.  He appreciates me and is grateful to the life we have made together. He is a moral person and he is a kind person.  Think of his ADHD brain as a specialized instrument.  It is not an all-purpose tool.  You need to wield the instrument with care and appreciate his qualities.

[/quote]

Lady you are brainwashed into thinking it’s normal your spouse is like a helpless cognitively impaired child and it’s not. 
ADHD or no adhd he is an adult - stop enabling this crp. [/quote]

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