Making time for kids? Study says quality trumps quantity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't consider an hour at tr bounce house quality time. Being around to have a conversation with my kid about a problem they are having or answering a hard question or helping them to learn a new skill - that I consider quality time.

So taking a child to an enjoyable, shared experience isn't quality time? What if I take my kid to the beach? Fishing? A water park? Disney?

I'm curious how old your kids are because if having a conversation is a requisite for quality time, you can write off ages 12-15 right now.

As I'd mentioned, it's not so much WHAT you do,
but HOW you do it.

To that I'll add, you need to be meeting
your child's needs on some level.

The better you know your child,
the better equipped you are to do that.

Hence, what IS quality time with one child,
might not be quality with another child.

~The Nanny

Well thanks for the advice. Are you currently between jobs? Guessing so do to the amount of daytime posts.

You're welcome, but you don't seem too pleased. No, I'm not between jobs. Different jobs have different demands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/04/02/upshot/yes-your-time-as-a-parent-does-make-a-difference.html

A counter opinion to the article the OP cited.

Um, no. Did you read the article?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/04/02/upshot/yes-your-time-as-a-parent-does-make-a-difference.html

A counter opinion to the article the OP cited.

Um, no. Did you read the article?

NP. I think it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The saddest part about this thread is that some of the SAHMs who are so intent on making WOHM feel bad about themselves have daughters of their own, and will teach these daughters that they cannot both have a fulfilling career and be a good mom. Such a false choice. And when some of these daughters do try to maintain careers they've worked their entire lives for and also have children, these women will do their best make them feel awful about it.

Sorry, but you are wrong. I'm the nanny and most of the children I care for, are neglected by their parents. Just sharing my observations here.

Btw, of the handful of nannies I've known, all but one were complete idiots who I would never leave my children with. I would not, however, purport to generalize my limited anecdotes to all nannies, because that would make me an idiot.

But somehow your nanny is just wonderful, a veritable Mary Poppins, right? I'm always amazed at parents who actually believe their nannies adore their children. It's simply a job to them, and one they don't get paid nearly enough to do. Same goes for daycare workers.

Well, I'm the nanny poster on this thread, and I have been described by a reporter as "a modern day Mary Poppins." I have adored 99% of the children who have been entrusted in my care over the years. My work is not only a job, but also my passion and my calling. But you're right, that most so-called nannies, really aren't interested in the optimal development of your child.

I agree I'm not compensated nearly enough in accordance with my accomplishments, even though I may be one of the most pricey nannies in town. Many of my charges have already become very successful adults. One former employer recently introduced me to her friends, saying her daughter is who she is today, because of me. The daughter is a well-known physician. Of course, the compliment was way over the top.

I'm also the poster who knows the critical importance of a primary caregiver who is competent, loving, and stable, especially during the first three foundation years of life. That person can either be a family member, or someone else who is dedicated to her work.

I'm the above poster. 13:38 thinks I'm a disgruntled nanny.
Anyone else?

I think there are multiple nannies in this thread- there was one further up complaining about all the shitty parents she has worked for and criticizing moms for outsourcing child rearing to nannies. Just didn't seem that into the profession. It does get very confusing when everyone has the same username!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't consider an hour at tr bounce house quality time. Being around to have a conversation with my kid about a problem they are having or answering a hard question or helping them to learn a new skill - that I consider quality time.

So taking a child to an enjoyable, shared experience isn't quality time? What if I take my kid to the beach? Fishing? A water park? Disney?

I'm curious how old your kids are because if having a conversation is a requisite for quality time, you can write off ages 12-15 right now.

Really? My 12-15 y.o. kids are always happy to have a conversation with us. Must be because they grew up knowing we were available for them whenever they needed us and not just "quality time appointments" penciled in on the calendar at their parents' convenience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/04/02/upshot/yes-your-time-as-a-parent-does-make-a-difference.html

A counter opinion to the article the OP cited.

Interesting article - thank you for posting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The saddest part about this thread is that some of the SAHMs who are so intent on making WOHM feel bad about themselves have daughters of their own, and will teach these daughters that they cannot both have a fulfilling career and be a good mom. Such a false choice. And when some of these daughters do try to maintain careers they've worked their entire lives for and also have children, these women will do their best make them feel awful about it.

See, I've had exactly the opposite thought. When the daughters of all gheae these WOHMs grow up, they're not even going to consider SAH with their kids because their mothers will have ingrained in them, from Day 1, that successful women simply don't stay home with their kids. Instead, they pay other women (lesser beings, in their books), to do the actual childcare. And that is so sad, that these women will never have the support of their own mothers to raise their kids the way they choose, if that way includes staying home with them.

As a SAHM, I'm planning on supporting my daughter in any way I can, whether she chooses to be a WOHM or a SAHM, or any combination of the two. But I'll absolutely be teaching (and showing) her the value and importance of having a SAHP.

Do you actually know any WOHMs really well? You talk about them as if they are a different species that you haven't studied well. Most of the ones I know don't sit around judging other women for their choices. And they certainly don't fit this fantasy nit-SAHM picture you paint. All I want for my daughter is for her to know that she has choices and one is to SAH and one is to WOH. And I want her to be happy with her choice.

Agree, but I hope that by the time she is planning on having kids, that there will be enough change in govt policy and the workplace so that she won't have to make a hard choice. I am grateful that I work in an environment where I received at tremendous amount of time off, paid, and have a flexible schedule (university professor), so that I have been able to have children AND pursue a fulfilling career. Yes, my husband and I need a nanny--not just me, as he needs childcare so that he can go to work, too--and she is wonderful. But, she does not have a PhD, loves working as a nanny, and is well compensated for her work. We don't consider her a lesser being, and we are so thankful to have had her in our lives for several years now. I think that many professional women feel the way I do. I do wonder sometimes if women who choose to SAH have "given up" without pursuing alternative options, and I wish that they would have petitioned their own businesses before quitting for better options for working families, but I don't look down on the choices they've made.

When it comes to SAHPs, you seem to be missing the point. Parents choose to stay home with their kids because this is how they want to raise them - not because they were somehow out of options. Having a SAHP is the option of choice in families that choose to have one.

No, I am not missing the point. You OTOH seem to be ignoring a huge block of well-educated professional women in cities like DC who had to make a hard choice between a career they loved but that required hours or travel incompatible with having a balanced family life once they had children. There are some women out there who gave up their careers because they wanted to SAH, but for many women who went to top colleges, graduate programs, and did well in their early careers, they make the choice with some reluctance. The choice for many is not so starkly black and white as you paint it.

Well, let's see. As one of those well-educated (yes, top college and grad school) women who did very well in my career, I happily chose to SAH once my husband and I had children. It was a choice we were fortunate to have and I am grateful every single day to have this time with our kids. Interestingly, every SAHM I know comes from a similar background (well-educated, prior-professional) and also easily made the choice to stay home - so rather than "ignoring a huge block" of women like myself, I'm actually speaking as one of these women, and I'm surrounded by them every day. My neighborhood and children's schools are full of highly educated SAHMs. At some point, many of us will return to work, but for this time in our children's lives, the choice was indeed simple enough: did we want to continue on the fast-track with our careers and rarely see our children? Or "lean out" in order to "lean in" to our families? While I know some women do find this a difficult decision to make, and often choose to continue working, the SAHMs I know aren't staying home as some sort of "consolation prize" or "last resort." It's a very fortunate situation we find ourselves in and we're absolutely making the most of it.

It seems you equate being highly educated and having a high-level career to be incompatible with enthusiastically choosing to SAH with one's children. Among the women I know, this just isn't the case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The saddest part about this thread is that some of the SAHMs who are so intent on making WOHM feel bad about themselves have daughters of their own, and will teach these daughters that they cannot both have a fulfilling career and be a good mom. Such a false choice. And when some of these daughters do try to maintain careers they've worked their entire lives for and also have children, these women will do their best make them feel awful about it.

See, I've had exactly the opposite thought. When the daughters of all gheae these WOHMs grow up, they're not even going to consider SAH with their kids because their mothers will have ingrained in them, from Day 1, that successful women simply don't stay home with their kids. Instead, they pay other women (lesser beings, in their books), to do the actual childcare. And that is so sad, that these women will never have the support of their own mothers to raise their kids the way they choose, if that way includes staying home with them.

As a SAHM, I'm planning on supporting my daughter in any way I can, whether she chooses to be a WOHM or a SAHM, or any combination of the two. But I'll absolutely be teaching (and showing) her the value and importance of having a SAHP.

Do you actually know any WOHMs really well? You talk about them as if they are a different species that you haven't studied well. Most of the ones I know don't sit around judging other women for their choices. And they certainly don't fit this fantasy nit-SAHM picture you paint. All I want for my daughter is for her to know that she has choices and one is to SAH and one is to WOH. And I want her to be happy with her choice.

Agree, but I hope that by the time she is planning on having kids, that there will be enough change in govt policy and the workplace so that she won't have to make a hard choice. I am grateful that I work in an environment where I received at tremendous amount of time off, paid, and have a flexible schedule (university professor), so that I have been able to have children AND pursue a fulfilling career. Yes, my husband and I need a nanny--not just me, as he needs childcare so that he can go to work, too--and she is wonderful. But, she does not have a PhD, loves working as a nanny, and is well compensated for her work. We don't consider her a lesser being, and we are so thankful to have had her in our lives for several years now. I think that many professional women feel the way I do. I do wonder sometimes if women who choose to SAH have "given up" without pursuing alternative options, and I wish that they would have petitioned their own businesses before quitting for better options for working families, but I don't look down on the choices they've made.

When it comes to SAHPs, you seem to be missing the point. Parents choose to stay home with their kids because this is how they want to raise them - not because they were somehow out of options. Having a SAHP is the option of choice in families that choose to have one.

No, I am not missing the point. You OTOH seem to be ignoring a huge block of well-educated professional women in cities like DC who had to make a hard choice between a career they loved but that required hours or travel incompatible with having a balanced family life once they had children. There are some women out there who gave up their careers because they wanted to SAH, but for many women who went to top colleges, graduate programs, and did well in their early careers, they make the choice with some reluctance. The choice for many is not so starkly black and white as you paint it.

Well, let's see. As one of those well-educated (yes, top college and grad school) women who did very well in my career, I happily chose to SAH once my husband and I had children. It was a choice we were fortunate to have and I am grateful every single day to have this time with our kids. Interestingly, every SAHM I know comes from a similar background (well-educated, prior-professional) and also easily made the choice to stay home - so rather than "ignoring a huge block" of women like myself, I'm actually speaking as one of these women, and I'm surrounded by them every day. My neighborhood and children's schools are full of highly educated SAHMs. At some point, many of us will return to work, but for this time in our children's lives, the choice was indeed simple enough: did we want to continue on the fast-track with our careers and rarely see our children? Or "lean out" in order to "lean in" to our families? While I know some women do find this a difficult decision to make, and often choose to continue working, the SAHMs I know aren't staying home as some sort of "consolation prize" or "last resort." It's a very fortunate situation we find ourselves in and we're absolutely making the most of it.

It seems you equate being highly educated and having a high-level career to be incompatible with enthusiastically choosing to SAH with one's children. Among the women I know, this just isn't the case.

NP. It's great that you have no ambivalence about becoming a SAHM, but that's not true for everyone. This report is an interesting read. The title, Opt Out or Pushed Out? probably indicates where it is going. It says that most highly educated women stay in the workforce after having kids which most of us know, but of the ones that don't, many highly educated women feel pushed out of the workforce and like they have no options: http://www.worklifelaw.org/pubs/OptOutPushedOut.pdf

It doesn't mean everyone feels this way of course, and agree that some of us are very lucky to have that choice, and feel very lucky. But for many women, it's not that simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The saddest part about this thread is that some of the SAHMs who are so intent on making WOHM feel bad about themselves have daughters of their own, and will teach these daughters that they cannot both have a fulfilling career and be a good mom. Such a false choice. And when some of these daughters do try to maintain careers they've worked their entire lives for and also have children, these women will do their best make them feel awful about it.

See, I've had exactly the opposite thought. When the daughters of all gheae these WOHMs grow up, they're not even going to consider SAH with their kids because their mothers will have ingrained in them, from Day 1, that successful women simply don't stay home with their kids. Instead, they pay other women (lesser beings, in their books), to do the actual childcare. And that is so sad, that these women will never have the support of their own mothers to raise their kids the way they choose, if that way includes staying home with them.

As a SAHM, I'm planning on supporting my daughter in any way I can, whether she chooses to be a WOHM or a SAHM, or any combination of the two. But I'll absolutely be teaching (and showing) her the value and importance of having a SAHP.

Do you actually know any WOHMs really well? You talk about them as if they are a different species that you haven't studied well. Most of the ones I know don't sit around judging other women for their choices. And they certainly don't fit this fantasy nit-SAHM picture you paint. All I want for my daughter is for her to know that she has choices and one is to SAH and one is to WOH. And I want her to be happy with her choice.

Agree, but I hope that by the time she is planning on having kids, that there will be enough change in govt policy and the workplace so that she won't have to make a hard choice. I am grateful that I work in an environment where I received at tremendous amount of time off, paid, and have a flexible schedule (university professor), so that I have been able to have children AND pursue a fulfilling career. Yes, my husband and I need a nanny--not just me, as he needs childcare so that he can go to work, too--and she is wonderful. But, she does not have a PhD, loves working as a nanny, and is well compensated for her work. We don't consider her a lesser being, and we are so thankful to have had her in our lives for several years now. I think that many professional women feel the way I do. I do wonder sometimes if women who choose to SAH have "given up" without pursuing alternative options, and I wish that they would have petitioned their own businesses before quitting for better options for working families, but I don't look down on the choices they've made.

When it comes to SAHPs, you seem to be missing the point. Parents choose to stay home with their kids because this is how they want to raise them - not because they were somehow out of options. Having a SAHP is the option of choice in families that choose to have one.

No, I am not missing the point. You OTOH seem to be ignoring a huge block of well-educated professional women in cities like DC who had to make a hard choice between a career they loved but that required hours or travel incompatible with having a balanced family life once they had children. There are some women out there who gave up their careers because they wanted to SAH, but for many women who went to top colleges, graduate programs, and did well in their early careers, they make the choice with some reluctance. The choice for many is not so starkly black and white as you paint it.

Well, let's see. As one of those well-educated (yes, top college and grad school) women who did very well in my career, I happily chose to SAH once my husband and I had children. It was a choice we were fortunate to have and I am grateful every single day to have this time with our kids. Interestingly, every SAHM I know comes from a similar background (well-educated, prior-professional) and also easily made the choice to stay home - so rather than "ignoring a huge block" of women like myself, I'm actually speaking as one of these women, and I'm surrounded by them every day. My neighborhood and children's schools are full of highly educated SAHMs. At some point, many of us will return to work, but for this time in our children's lives, the choice was indeed simple enough: did we want to continue on the fast-track with our careers and rarely see our children? Or "lean out" in order to "lean in" to our families? While I know some women do find this a difficult decision to make, and often choose to continue working, the SAHMs I know aren't staying home as some sort of "consolation prize" or "last resort." It's a very fortunate situation we find ourselves in and we're absolutely making the most of it.

It seems you equate being highly educated and having a high-level career to be incompatible with enthusiastically choosing to SAH with one's children. Among the women I know, this just isn't the case.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The saddest part about this thread is that some of the SAHMs who are so intent on making WOHM feel bad about themselves have daughters of their own, and will teach these daughters that they cannot both have a fulfilling career and be a good mom. Such a false choice. And when some of these daughters do try to maintain careers they've worked their entire lives for and also have children, these women will do their best make them feel awful about it.

See, I've had exactly the opposite thought. When the daughters of all gheae these WOHMs grow up, they're not even going to consider SAH with their kids because their mothers will have ingrained in them, from Day 1, that successful women simply don't stay home with their kids. Instead, they pay other women (lesser beings, in their books), to do the actual childcare. And that is so sad, that these women will never have the support of their own mothers to raise their kids the way they choose, if that way includes staying home with them.

As a SAHM, I'm planning on supporting my daughter in any way I can, whether she chooses to be a WOHM or a SAHM, or any combination of the two. But I'll absolutely be teaching (and showing) her the value and importance of having a SAHP.

Do you actually know any WOHMs really well? You talk about them as if they are a different species that you haven't studied well. Most of the ones I know don't sit around judging other women for their choices. And they certainly don't fit this fantasy nit-SAHM picture you paint. All I want for my daughter is for her to know that she has choices and one is to SAH and one is to WOH. And I want her to be happy with her choice.

Agree, but I hope that by the time she is planning on having kids, that there will be enough change in govt policy and the workplace so that she won't have to make a hard choice. I am grateful that I work in an environment where I received at tremendous amount of time off, paid, and have a flexible schedule (university professor), so that I have been able to have children AND pursue a fulfilling career. Yes, my husband and I need a nanny--not just me, as he needs childcare so that he can go to work, too--and she is wonderful. But, she does not have a PhD, loves working as a nanny, and is well compensated for her work. We don't consider her a lesser being, and we are so thankful to have had her in our lives for several years now. I think that many professional women feel the way I do. I do wonder sometimes if women who choose to SAH have "given up" without pursuing alternative options, and I wish that they would have petitioned their own businesses before quitting for better options for working families, but I don't look down on the choices they've made.

When it comes to SAHPs, you seem to be missing the point. Parents choose to stay home with their kids because this is how they want to raise them - not because they were somehow out of options. Having a SAHP is the option of choice in families that choose to have one.

No, I am not missing the point. You OTOH seem to be ignoring a huge block of well-educated professional women in cities like DC who had to make a hard choice between a career they loved but that required hours or travel incompatible with having a balanced family life once they had children. There are some women out there who gave up their careers because they wanted to SAH, but for many women who went to top colleges, graduate programs, and did well in their early careers, they make the choice with some reluctance. The choice for many is not so starkly black and white as you paint it.

Well, let's see. As one of those well-educated (yes, top college and grad school) women who did very well in my career, I happily chose to SAH once my husband and I had children. It was a choice we were fortunate to have and I am grateful every single day to have this time with our kids. Interestingly, every SAHM I know comes from a similar background (well-educated, prior-professional) and also easily made the choice to stay home - so rather than "ignoring a huge block" of women like myself, I'm actually speaking as one of these women, and I'm surrounded by them every day. My neighborhood and children's schools are full of highly educated SAHMs. At some point, many of us will return to work, but for this time in our children's lives, the choice was indeed simple enough: did we want to continue on the fast-track with our careers and rarely see our children? Or "lean out" in order to "lean in" to our families? While I know some women do find this a difficult decision to make, and often choose to continue working, the SAHMs I know aren't staying home as some sort of "consolation prize" or "last resort." It's a very fortunate situation we find ourselves in and we're absolutely making the most of it.

It seems you equate being highly educated and having a high-level career to be incompatible with enthusiastically choosing to SAH with one's children. Among the women I know, this just isn't the case.

Projecting? I never that SAH was a consolation prize or last resort, only that it is a difficult choice because both options have their plusses and minuses.

BTW, the well-educated women I know seem to be much more aware of how difficult it is to return to the workforce once the kids are in school. You and your cohort seem to be happily ignoring the statistics of the difficulties of on-ramping. All the SAHMs (and my children are now in late elementary school, so several years older than yours) are fully aware of these challenges and made the decision to SAH not as a consolation prize, but after carefully weighing the pros and cons. A good education does enable one to carefully analyze situations, after all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/04/02/upshot/yes-your-time-as-a-parent-does-make-a-difference.html

A counter opinion to the article the OP cited.

Um, no. Did you read the article?

NP. I think it is.

I'll quote the main point (according to the author) for you. "When parents spend high quality time with their children, the children are more likely to succeed."

Hardly a counter-opinion.

[Anonymous]

My mother was a single mom and I was a latchkey kid. I like to think I turned out pretty a-okay. So remember while you are tearing each other down that there is a whole set of parents - single moms & dads - with absolutely no choice. Are you really saying that they love their kids less than other parents? That would be pretty disgusting. So basically, you are shaming WOHM because of the fact that they chose to WOHM. Choice is the evil demon here apparently. God forbid women have choices.

I am a WOHM. By CHOICE. I know that my DD is much better off and that I am a much better parent WOHM. I have absolutely no inclination to be a SAHM. I need different stimuli to thrive and be my best self. My DD needs me to be my best self. I will have no qualms telling her when she is older that I chose not to SAHM. So go ahead and judge me I love my kid more than life itself which is why I want to give her the best me I have. Your opinion has no place in my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/04/02/upshot/yes-your-time-as-a-parent-does-make-a-difference.html

A counter opinion to the article the OP cited.

Um, no. Did you read the article?

NP. I think it is.

I'll quote the main point (according to the author) for you. "When parents spend high quality time with their children, the children are more likely to succeed."

Hardly a counter-opinion.

If only parents had a clue
what qualifies as high quality time.

Seems like the less time we have,
the more the quality of that time skyrockets.

How convenient.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother was a single mom and I was a latchkey kid. I like to think I turned out pretty a-okay. So remember while you are tearing each other down that there is a whole set of parents - single moms & dads - with absolutely no choice. Are you really saying that they love their kids less than other parents? That would be pretty disgusting. So basically, you are shaming WOHM because of the fact that they chose to WOHM. Choice is the evil demon here apparently. God forbid women have choices.

I am a WOHM. By CHOICE. I know that my DD is much better off and that I am a much better parent WOHM. I have absolutely no inclination to be a SAHM. I need different stimuli to thrive and be my best self. My DD needs me to be my best self. I will have no qualms telling her when she is older that I chose not to SAHM. So go ahead and judge me I love my kid more than life itself which is why I want to give her the best me I have. Your opinion has no place in my family.

Your obligation is to be the best possible parent. Only you know if you are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:http://mobile.nytimes.com/2015/04/02/upshot/yes-your-time-as-a-parent-does-make-a-difference.html

A counter opinion to the article the OP cited.

Um, no. Did you read the article?

NP. I think it is.

I'll quote the main point (according to the author) for you. "When parents spend high quality time with their children, the children are more likely to succeed."

Hardly a counter-opinion.

If only parents had a clue
what qualifies as high quality time.

Seems like the less time we have,
the more the quality of that time skyrockets.

How convenient.

If you had a clue,
How ridiculous you come off,
You would stop writing these inane posts,
And disappear.

Are you the one who claims to be a nanny?