Reply to Would you confront your husband/wife's Emotional Affair lover?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I'm one who's just come out of an emotional affair. I've talked to my husband about it though I did not describe it as an emotional affair. I told him I felt very strongly for this friend and that I also felt physically attracted to him. I was never sure whether I'd fallen in love with this friend or not. I'm starting to think a part of me must have, because it's extremely painful realizing the extent of my feelings for him and realizing that our friendship will never go back to what it was before it evolved into an emotional affair. And that in all likelihood, we won't end up being friends. This friend and I never spoke like lovers and certainly never acted like it. We were just really good friends who liked spending lots of time together. And I wasn't spending time with him b/c of any problems in my marriage. I'm very happy in my marriage.

The situation fills me with so much sadness though, b/c I feel I've lost a good friend, and I wish we could recover our friendship, and I wish that we could both work at the friendship and make sure that our feelings are kept under control. Because underneath it all, I can't help but feel that what we had was a good friendship that sometimes got confused with sexual attraction and feelings of tenderness. Is this completely naive? Has anyone had an emotional affair and managed to stay friends with the person? [/quote]

To quote Cher , "Snap out of it."  You are still fantasizing about the other man and your husband can't compete with a fantasy.

How would your husband feel if he knew you were still trying to have a friendship with a man you were physically attracted to?  I know what my husband would do.  Pack my stuff in a suitcase, throw it out the door, and change the locks.

Figure out where your priorities are before you regret what you are doing.  If you want to save your marriage, stay the hell away from the other man.  Not good for you, not good for him, and definitely not good for your husband and marriage.  Make new, female friends to help fill the "friendship" role. [/quote]

Right, but I'm fully aware that this friend could never compete with my husband. I'm not in love with this other guy. I'm in love with my husband - we have a great relationship, open and communicative, and really good sex (better than I've ever had with anyone else). I'm attracted to this other guy, but that's it. I care about him as a friend, and think about fucking him sometimes, but it's not all-consuming. I have other friends I also think about fucking, but I am aware this is different b/c of the strong connection we share as friends. And my husband knows I want to try and maintain my friendship with this other guy. We talked about it. Oh, and I have plenty of female friends as well as male friends. I think I just wanted to spice up my life a little - let's face it, 10 years of marriage and life with two young kids can understandably create such a feeling and desire -- and the flirting and fun that was part of the friendship became addictive, and ended up complicating things and getting in the way of the friendship. I keep wishing there was a way to recover and work on the friendship, but I know I'm probably kidding myself. And anyway, I think this friend is going to establish distance and end the friendship, b/c I suspect, though he hasn't told me so, that he ended up falling for me. And if that's the case, I will be sure to respect his wishes and stay away from him. I'm just a whore who needs sexual attention from men to keep my life interesting and make me feel sexy and special. I'll admit it's not enough only getting sexual attention from my husband. I want it from lots of men. But I'm devoted to my husband and am not interested in pursuing a relationship outside of my marriage. I'm a mental whore, not a physical one.  [/quote]

I would suggest you get professional help from a counselor, doctor, or psychiatrist.  You are abusing the men around you by toying with them for your own, selfish needs.  The fact you would call yourself a whore should be a signal that your subconscious at least acknowledges what you are doing to yourself and those around you isn't healthy, adult behavior.  You also have very, low self esteem if you need others to give you sexual attention in order to make you feel sexy and special. [/quote]

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