Husband annoyed at taking his injured daughter to urgent care
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Anonymous
I'm sorry you went through that. Agree with you on documenting. Earlier in the thread I advised her to ask an attorney if she can record his outbursts (cursing at the kids when they are hurt or injured). How old were your kids when you divorced? |
Anonymous
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OP my husband can be like this but it has gotten better in the last two years. My breaking point came when our kid, who was 5 at the time, was diagnosed with ARFID which is an eating disorder that presents as "picky eating" but is actually serious -- she would gag on food or throw it up due to the smell or texture of it, and she was not trying to be picky but could not control her aversion. It was and still is a very hard thing to parent through, but DH made it much worse because he'd blow up at her for not eating even after she'd been diagnosed and we'd learned that conflict and confrontation over eating would only make it worse. When he did this I'd feel so abandoned because I was also very frustrated but working really hard to control it so I could give her what she needed, and he wasn't even trying. So my efforts were for nothing and she was getting more and more stressed about food anyway.
Here's what helped: 1) I point it out, but do so later when things are calm. So if he blew up at her at dinner, in the moment I would either ignore him or just say "I'll handle it," address DD's needs, and move on. But then after the kids were in bed, I'd turn off the TV and explain calmly that it sucks for me to have to be the functional parent in those moments, and that what I really want is a partner to go through it with me, instead of another person whose emotions I have to manage. I really worked to not get overly critical or blaming in these talks. I used lots of "I" statements and explained why the situation was hard for me or what I wish I got from him, instead of saying "you do this, you do that." That helped him hear me better. 2) He went to therapy and worked on anger management. This is critical. It could be therapy, a meditation practice, a parenting class. Just anything to show he's working on it. I remember at one point talking to my DH about this and he said "I just don't handle stress well," and I pointed out that there's no way for me to eliminate stress from our lives and that it's unfair for him to expect to be exempt from the stress of being a working, middle class parent while I take it all on. That helped him realize that every time he just can't deal with a situation, that's yet another thing I have to do. That's when he started to realize this was a problem he needed to solve and not a "take it or leave it" situation. I didn't threaten divorce, but I did tell him that it was very hard for me to imagine spending the next 40-50 years of my life with someone who simply cannot handle stress, because I expect there to be some stress during that time. 3) As my kids got older, I got them involved. I guess this could be controversial, but the truth is my kids are pretty emotionally intelligent and good at naming their feelings and talking through how to deal with them. But my older kid definitely struggles with blowing up when she gets frustrated, and IMO that has to be addressed head on. So as I worked with her to build up her tolerance for frustration or distress, I used situations with DH and I as examples and she started calling out DH when he did exactly the thing she was working on getting better at. This was hard at first but then great. Sometimes DH and DD will get upset with each other and have a little mini tantrum (not as bad as they once were) but then they will come together, apologize, and talk about what the each could have done better. Without any prompting from me. It was great. |
Anonymous
Sure but do you see the one complaining here? Her husband has a good paying cushy job. OP benefits by being a SAHM. She could just go get a job, earn her own money and kick him out. But what she’s going to do is keep complaining to anyone who listens about her poor choices. My mom lived a whole life doing this and died a bitter unhappy woman. |
Anonymous
Thanks for this vulnerable comment (though you sound more self-aware than the husband in this scenario). I also discovered DBT as an adult and found it to be transformative. |
Anonymous
Funny how nobody cared about me needing to drag my ass out of bed and be presentable at work when I was a new mom. |
Anonymous
Preach. |
Anonymous
Easy peasy 
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Anonymous
| I am no longer surprised that parents kill their children in this country. |
Anonymous
Much easier for a woman whose oldest child is 6. Presumably she had a job before, no? Do you think it’s easier for a woman with teens? Imagine how this plays out over time. I have a pretty good idea, having seen it first hand. |
Anonymous
I’m sorry you hate your mom. That sounds hard. |
Anonymous
Well, she’s dead, so…. But you know on her deathbed she finally admitted she had a pretty good life. After decades of focusing on the negative. |
Anonymous
Who are you? Did you post here about your sleep problems and no one cared? Or are you bringing up completely irrelevant stuff because you are still upset? |
Anonymous
There are probably some cases of the mom purposefully keeping dad from participating. But much more likely that he gives off overt and covert signs he is not interested in bedtime, doesn’t think the kid needs any special attention at bedtime, doesn’t bother to attune to the kids needs … so mom does it. |
Anonymous
My SIL did this when her kids were 6 and 2 and was murdered by her STBEx. Nothing easy about it. |
Anonymous
Strange that divorce rates are so high if exes murder each other before it happens. |