Should the guy always pay?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a fair amount of women who "date" someone they have absolutely no intention of being with just to get a couple of free meals.
Men have caught on to this.
.
In some cases, they excuse themselves "to the restroom" , walk out the door, and leave the check behind for her to pay.

There really aren’t. I promise you the free food is not worth your company.

You don't know my company and there are women that have so little integrity and self respect that they do this.
Actually, I think I may have found one right now.

Sorry dude I’m married. I never paid for meals while I was dating and men who were boorish never got second dates. My husband still picks up the check whenever we go out.

Wait, you've married for years and you still keep strictly separate finamces!? And you still give.dating advice? .

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my culture, yes. There's also no expectation the woman has to have sex.

I'm curious about the culture. I've dated Pakistani women who wouldn't let me pay because that would somehow mean I'm behaving like a husband, and entitle me to sex (which was the farthest thing from my mind, honest).

[Anonymous]

Of course, a gentleman always pays!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a fair amount of women who "date" someone they have absolutely no intention of being with just to get a couple of free meals.
Men have caught on to this.
.
In some cases, they excuse themselves "to the restroom" , walk out the door, and leave the check behind for her to pay.

There really aren’t. I promise you the free food is not worth your company.

You don't know my company and there are women that have so little integrity and self respect that they do this.
Actually, I think I may have found one right now.

Sorry dude I’m married. I never paid for meals while I was dating and men who were boorish never got second dates. My husband still picks up the check whenever we go out.

Wait, you've married for years and you still keep strictly separate finamces!? And you still give.dating advice? .

For discretionary spending? Absolutely. I don’t want my husband to know how much our last vacation cost and he doesn’t want me to know how much my earrings cost.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course, a gentleman always pays!

I hope you also adhere to your other old fashioned gender roles. Stay home, have kids, make sure dinner is on the table, do all the laundry. You know, act like it's 1925.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There are a fair amount of women who "date" someone they have absolutely no intention of being with just to get a couple of free meals.
Men have caught on to this.
.
In some cases, they excuse themselves "to the restroom" , walk out the door, and leave the check behind for her to pay.

Really? There are many men who claim to want a relationship when all they want is sex.

It goes both ways.

News flash: Sex is free

It's really not. Maybe free in terms of money, but when men lied to me for sex and then bailed, it had a huge emotional toll on me and caused quite a bit of damage.

Money isn't the only thing with value. Emotions, intimacy, self-esteem, all of those have value as well.

Beautifully stated pp!

+2

Potential ramifications of sex - contracting a STI, becoming pregnant, and possibly being raped - are very impactful
too, economically and otherwise

Okay, so when you contract an STI, become pregnant, or are raped you can seek financial redress. Asking some guy you barely know to take financial responsibility for these injustices is insane.

Please let me know what state allows a woman to sue a man for contracting an STI or terminating an unwanted pregnancy.

Who said sue? When I had an unwanted pregnancy, I asked the father to pay for half of the abortion, and he did. You must truly be sleeping with some bottom feeders not to be able to ask your partners for help in a situation like that. Fix your picker.

Because that’s what “redress” means. Not optional, partial, help. Nice that he paid for half of your abortion, did you get any sick time back? Did he get any of the side effects of medicine for you? No? Then sorry, you already paid more than half.

Sick time? Side effects? The procedure took 10 minutes on a Friday after work, I had a bit of bleeding, he watched stupid movies with me and ordered pizza that night. The next day we went out with friends to a bar to watch a game. It was less eventful than a bad period. Stop trying to make it some huge, expensive trauma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a mom, I have different standards for my DD and my DS for paying for dates. However the goal is same - they attract good people and they remain protected.

I want my DS to always pays or insists on paying for dates. He also has to listen to the girl and allow her what she wants (he pays or she pays). The idea is that he is treating the girl right, earn her trust and respect, and give her the options. The default is that he pays.

I want my DD to never allow guys to pay for her on dates, and only allow the guy she is going steady with or married to to pay. In her case, it allows her to not feel any obligation and not create any negative feelings in men if things don't work out. This also allows her to keep dates inexpensive (because she is paying her share) and not over the top. The default is that she goes dutch.

Raise your daughter to value herself such that there’s no suggestion of “obligation” if a well-raised young man picks up her coffee. You’re seriously raising her to consider her value $3.99???

You are wrong. Not only my DD values herself, we as her parents value her and that is the reason she has always had our credit card, even when she was not earning. She was never low on cash that she could not pay for herself.

My DD’s dates have not been raised by me. Unlike my DS who does not feel that a date owes him anything because he paid for the meal, the men that my DD dates may have been raised in a dysfunctional family with dysfunctional values. How does my DD know that? She values herself immensely and would rather pay for her share and take her time in observing and judging the person. Most of the times, one date was enough for her to know that she did not have any sparks with the person. It has worked well so far. Not been assaulted, disrespected or gossiped about till now in college or in work life. And now she is dating a decent man and they do take turns treating each other. Her BF always offer to pay (as he should) and my DD takes turn in getting the check (as she should).

My sons have been raised by feminists. Women are equal, and should be treated as equals. Always paying for them is hardly treating someone as an equal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course, a gentleman always pays!

I hope you also adhere to your other old fashioned gender roles. Stay home, have kids, make sure dinner is on the table, do all the laundry. You know, act like it's 1925.

I am not the one who posted, but what’s wrong with traditional ways. BTW, I would be happy to pay nice dinners during dates, treat her nicely and don’t expect sex in return, but her cooking some dinners for me would be nice. I wouldn’t expect her to stay at home but it’s her choice whether she wants to work or not. I don’t need her income as I make enough. I would want her to be attractive and well educated regardless whether she wants to advance her career or not. I would want my kids to be smart and healthy like their parents.
I would be happy to participate in house chores, participate in kids’ activities and respect my wife’s work at home as I believe stable, happy family as important (or more important) than my career success. I am sure how many women in DCUM are on board with this, but this is what I think..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course, a gentleman always pays!

I hope you also adhere to your other old fashioned gender roles. Stay home, have kids, make sure dinner is on the table, do all the laundry. You know, act like it's 1925.

I am not the one who posted, but what’s wrong with traditional ways. BTW, I would be happy to pay nice dinners during dates, treat her nicely and don’t expect sex in return, but her cooking some dinners for me would be nice. I wouldn’t expect her to stay at home but it’s her choice whether she wants to work or not. I don’t need her income as I make enough. I would want her to be attractive and well educated regardless whether she wants to advance her career or not. I would want my kids to be smart and healthy like their parents.
I would be happy to participate in house chores, participate in kids’ activities and respect my wife’s work at home as I believe stable, happy family as important (or more important) than my career success. I am sure how many women in DCUM are on board with this, but this is what I think..

I agree, and in fact men who didn't pick up tabs were less caring and attentive to my needs. Like, never held doors, only spoke about themselves at dates, were critical of previous relationships etc. I firmly believe that someone who is frantically calculating how much he'd spent on my coffee and cake at first date will be less involved parent and partner down the road

[Anonymous]

I firmly believe that someone who is frantically calculating how much he'd spent on my coffee and cake at first date will be less involved parent and partner down the road

It’s not the first coffee. It’s every dinner, every show, every non-trivial expenditure. Is the woman who makes as much as the man does being a parasite or is she being an adult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my culture, yes. There's also no expectation the woman has to have sex.

I'm curious about the culture. I've dated Pakistani women who wouldn't let me pay because that would somehow mean I'm behaving like a husband, and entitle me to sex (which was the farthest thing from my mind, honest).

In Eastern Europe, women are generally taught 1) It's offensive for a man if woman insists on her picking check. It's like telling him right in his face that he's not attractive or manly. She can only politely offer to split, and if he declines not to insist on that. Men from some areas close to Asia can in fact get very offended if she's so insistent to pay 2) a decent woman never picks expensive places for first dates - coffee, a bar is ok. A man cannot expect anything sexual in return for these dates. Behaving like she would only date him if he takes her to expensive places for full dinner is slutty, indecent woman behavior 3) if she continues seeing the guy, the woman needs to make some forward gestures, like giving him a scarf, sweater, a perfume etc.

Women in my region /former USSR republic were emancipated and worked equally with men since 1930s. It's only dating etiquette that's affected by this unspoken rules

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I firmly believe that someone who is frantically calculating how much he'd spent on my coffee and cake at first date will be less involved parent and partner down the road

It’s not the first coffee. It’s every dinner, every show, every non-trivial expenditure. Is the woman who makes as much as the man does being a parasite or is she being an adult?

I would say it's him every dinner, just because alternating checks or splitting takes away the romance. It's the person who initiates the experience (a show, a non-trivial experience) who pays. I absolutely did get tickets for shows when I was dating. My exH didn't like it though: he was making about 200K and I was making 80K when we dated. He insisted on paying the largest share of these expenses

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Of course, a gentleman always pays!

I hope you also adhere to your other old fashioned gender roles. Stay home, have kids, make sure dinner is on the table, do all the laundry. You know, act like it's 1925.

I am not the one who posted, but what’s wrong with traditional ways. BTW, I would be happy to pay nice dinners during dates, treat her nicely and don’t expect sex in return, but her cooking some dinners for me would be nice. I wouldn’t expect her to stay at home but it’s her choice whether she wants to work or not. I don’t need her income as I make enough. I would want her to be attractive and well educated regardless whether she wants to advance her career or not. I would want my kids to be smart and healthy like their parents.
I would be happy to participate in house chores, participate in kids’ activities and respect my wife’s work at home as I believe stable, happy family as important (or more important) than my career success. I am sure how many women in DCUM are on board with this, but this is what I think..

I agree, and in fact men who didn't pick up tabs were less caring and attentive to my needs. Like, never held doors, only spoke about themselves at dates, were critical of previous relationships etc. I firmly believe that someone who is frantically calculating how much he'd spent on my coffee and cake at first date will be less involved parent and partner down the road

I agree with the bolded. They’ll be the ones begrudging the costs of good daycare and asking if the nanny is using too many diapers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In my culture, yes. There's also no expectation the woman has to have sex.

I'm curious about the culture. I've dated Pakistani women who wouldn't let me pay because that would somehow mean I'm behaving like a husband, and entitle me to sex (which was the farthest thing from my mind, honest).

In Eastern Europe, women are generally taught 1) It's offensive for a man if woman insists on her picking check. It's like telling him right in his face that he's not attractive or manly. She can only politely offer to split, and if he declines not to insist on that. Men from some areas close to Asia can in fact get very offended if she's so insistent to pay 2) a decent woman never picks expensive places for first dates - coffee, a bar is ok. A man cannot expect anything sexual in return for these dates. Behaving like she would only date him if he takes her to expensive places for full dinner is slutty, indecent woman behavior 3) if she continues seeing the guy, the woman needs to make some forward gestures, like giving him a scarf, sweater, a perfume etc.

Women in my region /former USSR republic were emancipated and worked equally with men since 1930s. It's only dating etiquette that's affected by this unspoken rules

Yeah…Eastern European men are crazy sexist. Not dating material at all IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I firmly believe that someone who is frantically calculating how much he'd spent on my coffee and cake at first date will be less involved parent and partner down the road

It’s not the first coffee. It’s every dinner, every show, every non-trivial expenditure. Is the woman who makes as much as the man does being a parasite or is she being an adult?

I would say it's him every dinner, just because alternating checks or splitting takes away the romance. It's the person who initiates the experience (a show, a non-trivial experience) who pays. I absolutely did get tickets for shows when I was dating. My exH didn't like it though: he was making about 200K and I was making 80K when we dated. He insisted on paying the largest share of these expenses

This is fully opinion, not fact. And it’s not surprising that you hold this opinion, since it benefits you financially. I wonder how romantic men find this…