Take them or leave them - brutally honest description of your spouse

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Prioritizes family- keeps kids at the forefront, loves to do things with them, play etc.
Moderate high earner ($200k+) works normal hours (9-5 some weekends-few hours)
Always concerned with finances/money
Smart and worldy- always learning about new things/ the world around them. Does get depressed by the news/media.
Moderately messy, but does try to help out some.
Prepares or cleans up after the meal most of the time (one or the other).
needy emotionally- often feels their needs are less important to partner than the kids emotional needs- is somewhat threatened/saddened by this.
0 sex drive/desire. (sex maybe 2x year). bad at oral/mutual masturbation- no drive to practice/ make better.
recently diagnosed with depression now on meds.
low energy in general (doesn't enjoy big outings/events that will be longer than 4 hours, regardless of what they are).

ADDING-
Always blames you for everything that goes wrong, ever. (example- a kid throws a toy at Spouse- spouse blames you for not actively blocking said toy...or it rains during an outing- blames you for not checking weather)
is really good looking/ in great shape- but judges you for your health choices constantly.
loves the children/great co-parent- but constantly judging you for how you choose to parent.
strict with kids- but also enjoys playing with them and teaching them.

I guess I'd stick around to see how the meds helped and of course when you are a parent divorce is never the simple answer, but I could not stand the blaming and the judging. DH got like that and after doing my best for years I told him that I we clearly just weren't compatible and I wished him the best in finding a spouse who could everything he needed. Luckily he got much less judgmental real quick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine:

-good earner $300k
-good work life balance
-takes career seriously, highly respected at work
-funny sometimes
-very engaged father, does a lot of the grunt work
-very socially awkward
-doesn’t cook much
-generous
-holds onto resentment forever
-is mean when in disagreement
-likes to travel
-financially responsible
-doesn’t eat healthy, but not fat
-pretty much let’s me have whatever I want materially
-stubborn
-has a big ego
-very dependable
-comes from shitty family with bad values

Keeper!

Absolutely not. There is no excuse for being mean when you disagree with someone. I would pass in a heartbeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH:
Great in bed - loves to please
In good shape
Good at cooking meats / grilling
Helps around the house (50-50)
Somewhat high earner (200k salary)
Terrible at personal finances and investments
Short term planner
Always late
May have ADHD
Somewhat paranoid
Mommy’s boy - truly enmeshed but works at it to the best of his ability

Out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:High earner - $350k
Strong leader, well liked professionally and seen as high potential
Very smart, degrees from Princeton and Wharton
Tall (6’2), still has all his hair at 40
Handy, fixes things around the house + for family and friends
Enjoys the good things in life, but can overindulge a little
Outdoorsy and active, former athlete, ok shape (34” waist)
Good cook, but often too busy to cook
Great, involved dad who equally splits the invisible work
Coaches both our son and daughter’s lacrosse teams
Worldly and cultured, speaks a foreign language, and loves to travel internationally
Enjoys Broadway
Travels 20% of the time for work, pre-Covid
Affectionate, high drive, very giving in the bedroom
But needs a lot of attention
Can be a lazy dresser. Lots of old college tee shirts, jeans, and tennis shoes
Often late, somewhat ADHD
Messy. Helps around the house but also constantly leaves stuff sitting out.
Runs household finances and saves well
Highly confident based on life success, generally convinced he is right on everything
Loyal and caring, friends would describe him as super nice

Out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mine:

-good earner $300k
-good work life balance
-takes career seriously, highly respected at work
-funny sometimes
-very engaged father, does a lot of the grunt work
-very socially awkward
-doesn’t cook much
-generous
-holds onto resentment forever
-is mean when in disagreement
-likes to travel
-financially responsible
-doesn’t eat healthy, but not fat
-pretty much let’s me have whatever I want materially
-stubborn
-has a big ego
-very dependable
-comes from shitty family with bad values

Keeper!

Absolutely not. There is no excuse for being mean when you disagree with someone. I would pass in a heartbeat.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH:
Highly educated
Great earner (300k)
Dominant in bed and wants sex every day
Bald, average height, fit but slight dad bod
Quiet, tends to be more serious, but very kind
No friends
Very devoted to me and our young kids- sort of ignores his extended family
Good with his hands (can fix and build things)
Plays video games as his main hobby
A bit needy with my attention

Ugh. No thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband:

Smart (Harvard undergrad)
Good earner (300K salary in his mid-30s)
Sophisticated taste when it comes to literature, film, art, music
Great father - very hands on with our kids and emotionally responsive
Splits household tasks 50/50
Loves dogs
Very in touch with his emotions/not afraid of emotions
High sex drive- good lover, but more focused on his own pleasure
Self righteous (has a difficult time admitting he’s wrong)
In good shape (6’1 and 175) and stays active
Not good at budgeting (I do all the budgeting and keep us on track financially)
Expensive taste, especially when traveling (will only stay at 4 and 5 star hotels)

Out.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Hard worker, works 7am—10pm weekdays and some admin on weekends
Makes about $400K (I make $200K)
Bought and renovated our beautiful home at a top notch address and another in the country where he cleared the land himself and added a pool
Adores our children, has read to them every morning since they were born (they are 16).
A giver
Emotionally breathtakingly fluent and responsive/responsible
Loves sex and giving oral, is good at it; great chemistry
The most un-selfpitying and unentitled person I have ever known. Never complains.
Is strong, warm, gentle, kind, loving, accepting, supportive, heart of a lion but demeanor of a golden retriever.
Took care of me through a serious illness
Cheated on me for three years with his own patient.
Placed our family in enormous jeopardy, could have been ruined if she sued or reported him.

Whoa. Didn’t see those last two lines coming.

How can you be unentitled and have an affair for 3 years. Having an affair with a patient is the height of entitlement - and he was married.

Tough one. I'd keep him, the devil you know. But that does suck

I feel like there’s a lot more to unpack with this one. Maybe he is not in touch with his wants and needs, and has learned to suppress them, but deep down feels like there is something missing … which led him to the affair and the severe lapse of judgement? Pass.

NP. Whoa. Also didnt' see that coming. But then the 7-10 work schedule should have been a red flag. Days that long all week every week plus "admin" on weekends sounds like not all those hours were actual work. Too much opportunity to cheat and too little time at home (despite the reading to the kids). I'd trade away the two "top-notch" homes and pool and the income for more hours at home. And I don't know how he was able to nurse the PP through a serious illness if he was working hours like that....Sadly, to me, "strong, warm, gentle, kind, loving, accepting, supportive" people don't carry on three-year lies at the most profound level. I could only stay with this one if he altered the work hours (even with loss of income), was remorseful to his very marrow, and entered intensive couples therapy with me. Maybe not even then. I see a disconnect between loving/supportive etc. and three year affair and it's a pretty grave disconnect on the level of character. Could be salvaged but like I said -- the hours would have to change. Too much opportunity.

Something off on this one. Is he waking up the kids at 6am every day to read together? Also, this is basically a long distance relationship, with a man who may or may not have another girlfriend in his town.

Agree with others. Something is up with this husband. He’s not what he seems to you. He’s hiding his true self from you and that is leading him to cheat as his outlet. Also the fact that he took a risk in cheating with his patient tells me he’s driven to do these things because of his inner issues. He needs individual therapy.
No go for me with this guy. He’s got a lot to work through.

He’s 66, we have been married for 20 years to and together longer, I do know him. I think he loved her but wants our intact family. He is very into his role as a husband and father.

My question is - how did you find him in his mid 40's? Was he married? divorced? Was he a cheater before you married him?

[Anonymous]

Smart and highly educated.
Good earner - 350k
Great father
Loves me very much and kind
Very fit and in good shape
Defers to me on pretty much everything and I get to make all the key decisions.
Below average height and looks
A bit girly and there is no doubt that I wear the pants in the relationship which is a bit of a turnoff in bed.

[Anonymous]

Smart and well educated
Earns $200K/year
Killer bod
Easy going - everybody loves him. Kind of guy who runs for senior class president
Great sense of humor
Dresses well
Attentive in bed. Cares more about me than him.
Excellent, involved father.
Cleans the house regularly
Subject to depression and anxiety. Very open about it.
Can be insecure, thinks everyone is doing better than him
Conflict adverse. When a healthy argument would clear the air, he walks away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Smart and highly educated.
Good earner - 350k
Great father
Loves me very much and kind
Very fit and in good shape
Defers to me on pretty much everything and I get to make all the key decisions.
Below average height and looks
A bit girly and there is no doubt that I wear the pants in the relationship which is a bit of a turnoff in bed.

How tall is he? Average height for American men is 5”9. Anyway, he sounds like a great guy. Although I understand your few hang ups are kind of a turnoff, it seems like the good far outweighs the bad for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hard worker, works 7am—10pm weekdays and some admin on weekends
Makes about $400K (I make $200K)
Bought and renovated our beautiful home at a top notch address and another in the country where he cleared the land himself and added a pool
Adores our children, has read to them every morning since they were born (they are 16).
A giver
Emotionally breathtakingly fluent and responsive/responsible
Loves sex and giving oral, is good at it; great chemistry
The most un-selfpitying and unentitled person I have ever known. Never complains.
Is strong, warm, gentle, kind, loving, accepting, supportive, heart of a lion but demeanor of a golden retriever.
Took care of me through a serious illness
Cheated on me for three years with his own patient.
Placed our family in enormous jeopardy, could have been ruined if she sued or reported him.

Oh no! I know who you are. You are a gorgeous and amazing mom! So sorry you had to go through this. I root for you two as a couple and a family (and I know I’m not the only one).

[Anonymous]

My DH:
Excellent at what he does professionally, well respected
Sucks in bed. Exact same position every single time, ED + premature ejaculation
Short and overweight
Balding
Helps around the house if prompted
Low earner for DC - $120k -$140k
Not a planner
Not much common sense
ADHD
Bipolar
Paranoid
Good at cooking steak
Does the grocery shopping
A shouter
Mean when angry and often angry (bipolar)
Lowbrow taste in food/culture
Very self centered
Terrible parent (shouter and angry)
Cheated with two different people

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH:
Excellent at what he does professionally, well respected
Sucks in bed. Exact same position every single time, ED + premature ejaculation
Short and overweight
Balding
Helps around the house if prompted
Low earner for DC - $120k -$140k
Not a planner
Not much common sense
ADHD
Bipolar
Paranoid
Good at cooking steak
Does the grocery shopping
A shouter
Mean when angry and often angry (bipolar)
Lowbrow taste in food/culture
Very self centered
Terrible parent (shouter and angry)
Cheated with two different people

Forgot to mention extremely small p3nis.

[Anonymous]

The good:

Enjoyable to be around
High energy
Does 50/50 at home
Loves being a father and good at it
Relatively high earner (400k)
Ignores his parents and puts me first
A lot of interesting hobbies

The bad:

Low sex drive affected even more by drinking
Drinks too much
Has cheated
Talks about money a lot
Terrible parents