Fear of an open adoption

[Anonymous]

Let me start off by saying that we FULLY intend to do some sort of open adoption. But I'm having some fears about it and thought you might have some advice or could recommend resources to read about it.

I know it's much much better for the child if the adoption is open, which is a big part of why we are committed to some level of openness. And I feel for the birth mother and can imagine how wrenching the adoption process could be. But as DH and I get started on our domestic adoption, I am troubled with fears of my adopted child being influenced in an unhealthy way or even kidnapped. We are comfortable with letters, pictures, emails and meeting once a year. But I wouldn't feel comfortable with my child going off unattended with the birth mother until we knew her well/trusted her.

Is this unreasonable? We are thinking about a semi open adoption, with the hopes that down the line we could expand that as much as possible. But going into this, not knowing the birth parents, we just want to have the legal control in our hands to protect our future child.

Your thoughts?

[Anonymous]

Your already setting yourself up by engaging in birthmom stereotyping. Exactly why do you think the biological mother would kidnap your prospective adopted child, or engage in an unhealthy relationship after adoption? Even if you have an open adoption, if you harbor these unreasonable fears your child will pick up on them. That will not make the child closer to you, only confused and alienated. After all, any adopted child shares the genetics of the birthparents. I fear this is going to be another adoption in which it is all about the needs of the adoptive parents. I wonder if you will be like my mom who asks me why I want to be with "those people". Those people being my family even though they call them my birthfamily.

[Anonymous]

One last thought. Since you are concerned with protecting your child please google and read adopted adult blogs. I am very tired of adoptive parents getting advice from adoptive parents. You need to see what if from the other side. You do know that adopted children grow up to be adopted adults don't you?

[Anonymous]

OP I would find an open adoption where the expectation was that the child go off alone with the Birth Parent to be extremely unusual.
I am very familiar with open adoption and have literally never seen that.
I think what you are proposing would be considered a fully open adoption.
A semi open would be for example photos sent to the agency which are then sent on to the birthparents, but the birthparent doesn't have a way to contact you.
If the BP's have your contact info and have visits every definition I have seen would call that a fully open adoption.

[Anonymous]

A child is never really yours. This is not a posession. The children you have are on loan

[Anonymous]

You need to access every situation differently. Some birthparents are warm, caring stable people who just want to know their kids are ok. Others have serious mental health and substance abuse issues. They should not be treated in the same manner. You don't have to leave your child alone with the birthparents. That is not really the priority. I've never had a concern with leaving my child alone with his birthparents or some of the grandparents as they would never do anything to harm her or kidnap her. They entrusted you with their child, the least you can do is give them the same consideration. Imagine being on the other side handing your newborn over to a stranger and knowing you can't call or see them ever again. We don't have a formal agreement but they have never been intrusive or cause any issues in our home. Everyone is very flexible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:One last thought. Since you are concerned with protecting your child please google and read adopted adult blogs. I am very tired of adoptive parents getting advice from adoptive parents. You need to see what if from the other side. You do know that adopted children grow up to be adopted adults don't you?

Blogs are not fully accurate. Most are done from people who have had bad experiences or are looking for drama/attention. Most people in healthy adoption situations move on with their lives and its just their lives.

[Anonymous]

Most open adoptions are open in that letters and pictures are exchanged - or usually just sent to the birth mom and dad. We have two adopted kids and that is what open meant for both of the agencies we worked with. We also have an email account so that our birth families can contact us without going through the agency if they want and have had phone calls with one of our families. Before we adopted, i was concerned about openness too but have found myself wanting more not less openness as the years have passed. I think as your children grow up you just want them to be able to know their birthparents if they want to and openness is the only way that happens easily. My advice to you is to recognize that your feelings about all of this will change, maybe a lot, over time and to try to meet the birth families before the birth to try to establish some relationship of trust with them that you can build on over time. Adoption is a huge leap of faith and trust on all sides, it is only natural to be worried, but you will be amazed and blessed by a birth mother's trust in giving you her child to raise. And when that happens, it may make all the sense in the world to reciprocate that trust by committing to some level of openness in the process.

[Anonymous]

agree, there are many sides in an adoption and not all children benefit from an open one. some adult adopted children are horrible and ungrateful, my brother is one of them. I u derstand ops concerns and they are similiar to mine. obviously I am affected by my family drama but it does give me pause when considering adoption which I am despite my own negative experiences...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:agree, there are many sides in an adoption and not all children benefit from an open one. some adult adopted children are horrible and ungrateful, my brother is one of them. I u derstand ops concerns and they are similiar to mine. obviously I am affected by my family drama but it does give me pause when considering adoption which I am despite my own negative experiences...

Regardless of adoption, most families have drama. Mine does. So, does our birth families (far more than most) but we still with all that choose and follow our open adoption. That is two different issues.

[Anonymous]

Adult adoptee here - I highly recommend that you seek out the Center for Adoption Study and Education (CASE - http://adoptionsupport.org/) for support. They are a local organization and were very helpful to me when I found my birthmom in my twenties. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

First, kudos to you for realizing you have fears and for being willing to examine them. Some people just let those fears guide them subconsciously, and that's when we're more likely to make bad decisions in our relationships.

I am an adoptive mom who blogs and who has created and maintained two healthy open adoptions over the last 11 (daughter) and 9 (son) years. I have been active on adoption blogs and boards, listening to others involved in adoption.

Some liken adoption to getting married. Do you have in-laws, and have you successfully navigated relationships with them? Then you can "do" open adoption. In both, you meet and begin to love a person you're not biologically related to. Often you don't get just your beloved -- he comes with others who also love him -- and you incorporate them into your extended family. You are not in competition with them because you know your beloved has a heart big enough to love and be loved by all of you. Some in-laws you may adore, and some not so much, but you do your best to not make your beloved choose between his family-of-origin and you.That split might cause your beloved pain.

Instead of viewing your future child's birth family as competitors, might you begin to see them as extended family members?

A couple of other points:

The vast majority of mothers who voluntarily place are not people you would be afraid of. They're probably a lot more like you than like a movie-of-the-week-type character who brings a lot of drama.

Adoptions that are done ethically, meaning the birth parents freely choose adoption as the best of their options and are not coerced, are less likely to result in the scenarios you fear.

Your future child will pick up on your view of his birth parents and build his identity, in part, with what you think of his biological origins. So if you can like and respect your child's birth parents, it's better for your child.

It's normal, at the stage you're in, to be preoccupied with all the issues of and adopting parent. But as you travel the road in becoming a parent by adoption, begin to also see things from your child's point of view. Someone else gave the advice to read adult adoptee blogs, and I concur.

The "open" in open adoption doesn't just mean contact. It's a spirit in which you parent.

I have written a book to address these issues, which will be out in March: The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: Helping Your Child Grow Up Whole. My daughter's birth mom is a contributor, and you'll find lots of other real-world examples of people living in open (and, for contrast, closed) adoption. It's a guide for how to "de-freakify" open adoption.

You might also want to take a look around this resource in which a bunch of bloggers address the occasional issue: http://openadoptionbloggers.com/open-adoption-roundtable/

Best wishes,
Lori Holden
LavenderLuz.com

[Anonymous]

Why is it people who adopt, feel the need to write a book about it to make money? uggggg

[Anonymous]

Or maybe to help people be more compassionate in their adoptions.

Very few non-fiction writers write to make $$.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:One last thought. Since you are concerned with protecting your child please google and read adopted adult blogs. I am very tired of adoptive parents getting advice from adoptive parents. You need to see what if from the other side. You do know that adopted children grow up to be adopted adults don't you?

Blogs are not fully accurate. Most are done from people who have had bad experiences or are looking for drama/attention. Most people in healthy adoption situations move on with their lives and its just their lives.

So even though I love my adopted parents, and hate adoption, feel like I belong in two worlds, and none at all, I am one of those "drama, attention, bad experience, adoptees?" We should all move on and be grateful. No one wants to hear us unless we are grateful and have moved on from our past, our birthfamilies, and all the missing pieces. Shhhh.......be quiet adoptee, they might hear you.