Reply to Fear of an open adoption

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[quote=Anonymous]First, kudos to you for realizing you have fears and for being willing to examine them. Some people just let those fears guide them subconsciously, and that's when we're more likely to make bad decisions in our relationships.

I am an adoptive mom who blogs and who has created and maintained two healthy open adoptions over the last 11 (daughter) and 9 (son) years. I have been active on adoption blogs and boards, listening to others involved in adoption.

Some liken adoption to getting married. Do you have in-laws, and have you successfully navigated relationships with them? Then you can "do" open adoption. In both, you meet and begin to love a person you're not biologically related to. Often you don't get just your beloved -- he comes with others who also love him -- and you incorporate them into your extended family. You are not in competition with them because you know your beloved has a heart big enough to love and be loved by all of you. Some in-laws you may adore, and some not so much, but you do your best to not make your beloved choose between his family-of-origin and you.That split might cause your beloved pain.

Instead of viewing your future child's birth family as competitors, might you begin to see them as extended family members?

A couple of other points:

[list]The vast majority of mothers who voluntarily place are not people you would be afraid of. They're probably a lot more like you than like a movie-of-the-week-type character who brings a lot of drama.[/list]
[list]Adoptions that are done ethically, meaning the birth parents freely choose adoption as the best of their options and are not coerced, are less likely to result in the scenarios you fear.[/list]
[list]Your future child will pick up on your view of his birth parents and build his identity, in part, with what you think of his biological origins. So if you can like and respect your child's birth parents, it's better for your child.[/list]
[list]It's normal, at the stage you're in, to be preoccupied with all the issues of and adopting parent. But as you travel the road in becoming a parent by adoption, begin to also see things from your child's point of view. Someone else gave the advice to read adult adoptee blogs, and I concur.[/list]
[list]The "open" in open adoption doesn't just mean contact. It's a spirit in which you parent. 
[/list]

I have written a book to address these issues, which will be out in March: [url=http://www.amazon.com/Open-Hearted-Way-Open-Adoption-Helping/dp/1442217383/url][i]The Open-Hearted Way to Open Adoption: Helping Your Child Grow Up Whole[/i][/url]. My daughter's birth mom is a contributor, and you'll find lots of other real-world examples of people living in open (and, for contrast, closed) adoption. It's a guide for how to "de-freakify" open adoption.

You might also want to take a look around this resource in which a bunch of bloggers address the occasional issue: http://openadoptionbloggers.com/open-adoption-roundtable/

Best wishes,
Lori Holden
[url=http://LavenderLuz.com]LavenderLuz.com[/url][/quote]

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