Fear of an open adoption

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Or maybe to help people be more compassionate in their adoptions.

Very few non-fiction writers write to make $$.

You wouldn't write it in less you intended to make money! Most are compassionate about their adoptions and if they don't, books don't help.

[Anonymous]

I am an adoptive mom and we have a very open adoption with my daughter's family. We see them regularly and celebrate many birthdays and holidays together. Like all relationships, ours grew over time as we got to know one another. I believe our relationship is strong because it began with mutual respect and compassion. I was fearful at the beginning because I was jumping into a close relationship with people I didn't know well, and that's almost always the reality for both birth parents and adoptive parents going into open adoptions. We're all taking a leap of faith. There's just no way to know how you'll feel in the future. My only advice is that if you decide to enter into an open adoption, you should be committed to following through and not throwing in the towel when things get difficult - because they will. Relationships are messy, and adoption is based on a terrible loss, so you have to be prepared to navigate through the tough times. Nevertheless, I can tell you that the relationships I have with my daughter's first family are some of the best relationships in my life, and I truly can't imagine my life without them in it. When I look at my daughters birth parents, I see my daughter, and I feel nothing but love for the two amazing people who brought my daughter into this world and trusted me to be her mother.

[Anonymous]

We have an open adoption. When we get school pictures each year we send the birthmom one, along with a couple of candids. She sends a picture of herself from one or two times throughout the year. Once a year we meet, always in a public place (usually outdoors). The birthmom does not take the child anywhere alone, not even the bathroom. We switch off each year so one year we go stay at a hotel near her (she does not know which one) and the next she comes to our town.

Our child calls her by her first name. Once she said to me "Shelley, I mean my mom, I mean. ...?" and I told her "You know what? She gave birth to you. You OWN that. You can call her whatever you want, and you can try out different things to find what's comfortable. Any option is okay."

[Anonymous]

"Why is it people who adopt, feel the need to write a book about it to make money? uggggg"

To the person who wrote the above line, I understand your concern, but I am in the process of adopting right now and I'm so hungry to read books written by people who have experience with adoption (particularly open adoption), whether they have been birth parents, adoptees, and adoptive parents. So, I am delighted when someone shares their experience by writing a book. I see it as a real service to the rest of us that they would put the effort into writing down their thoughts and feelings for others to benefit from. Just another perspective to share with you...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have an open adoption. When we get school pictures each year we send the birthmom one, along with a couple of candids. She sends a picture of herself from one or two times throughout the year. Once a year we meet, always in a public place (usually outdoors). The birthmom does not take the child anywhere alone, not even the bathroom. We switch off each year so one year we go stay at a hotel near her (she does not know which one) and the next she comes to our town.

Our child calls her by her first name. Once she said to me "Shelley, I mean my mom, I mean. ...?" and I told her "You know what? She gave birth to you. You OWN that. You can call her whatever you want, and you can try out different things to find what's comfortable. Any option is okay."

I think you are sending the wrong message here. You tell you child it is okay to call her biological mother mom but you won't even let her biological mother take her to the bathroom alone. Your daughter will pick up on your fear, and as she gets older she will make up her own mind about it. You are telling her that you don't trust her other mother, and she will take that to mean that other mother is bad. And she is biologically half of the other mother......so she is bad. You speak about what is comfortable, but I am sure you are making your daughters uncomfortable in their own skin. You may see problems with your daughter later as she reaches her teen years and beyond because of this. My mother acted very much the same way. Treating my adopted siblings as so special but disparaging their biological relatives. They both left the family as adults and I only share an occasional letter with them over the years. We could have been family. But that ended as soon as they could make up their own minds. I really hope your adopted children do not have siblings, because we suffer from this type of parenting. I loved having siblings. Now I have none.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have an open adoption. When we get school pictures each year we send the birthmom one, along with a couple of candids. She sends a picture of herself from one or two times throughout the year. Once a year we meet, always in a public place (usually outdoors). The birthmom does not take the child anywhere alone, not even the bathroom. We switch off each year so one year we go stay at a hotel near her (she does not know which one) and the next she comes to our town.

Our child calls her by her first name. Once she said to me "Shelley, I mean my mom, I mean. ...?" and I told her "You know what? She gave birth to you. You OWN that. You can call her whatever you want, and you can try out different things to find what's comfortable. Any option is okay."

Why don't you trust her bio. Mom to take her to the bathroom. Sounds like you aren't as halpy with the open adlptoon as uou make out.