Is wife being unreasonable?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again-

Just to clarify. I never said what my mom said was okay or not offensive. It wasn’t okay and it was rude. I told my wife that. I do not think my mother meant them to be offensive. She doesn’t just walk around being rude and awful to people. I think she spoke carelessly and without thinking and it’s time for my wife to let it go. My wife is the type to be offended when my parents give me a large sum of money for Christmas and give her a small amount on a target gift card.

The fact that your mother gave YOU money for Christmas and gave HER a much smaller amount on a gift card for Christmas, and the fact that you seem to think this is all totally normal, is very telling.

You're married and you have kids together. Good grief.

A normal married couple, if they receive money from their parents, get it as a combined gift. Not "here's a big cash gift for YOU, my darling, oh and here's a little token gift card for you".

Your wife is right. There's something really wrong with your parents. And all of DCUM can see that the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

DP That is the way it works in our family, on both sides. We would think it was extremely weird if we received a joint gift. Who wants that? We're separate people. I appreciate it when I receive a gift that is given with my interests in mind, and so does my husband.

PP, you are having a very strong reaction to something you can't control (other people giving gifts to you). Why is that?

I think the practice of my family is very common to our social set. I cannot think of any couple that receives a "joint" gift from either set of parents. That just seems odd.

Anyway, clearly you are outraged about OP. I just wanted to chime in that the gift-giving thing is actually pretty normal in my family and in our social set.

OP is talking about money, not individual gifts tailored to their individual interests. His parents aren't treating them as a married couple and he's apparently ok with that. I'm thinking his wife should take him up on that.

More than OP being okay with it, he's outraged that his wife has the audacity to be offended by it.

That's IF any of this is real at all. And I'm really hoping it's not. The wife clearly made some bad decisions to stay with such a horrible guy, but now there are apparently two innocent little kids in the mix.

I feel like divorce isn't going to really solve these issues. Can you even imagine what OP is going to be like during a divorce? He'll demand 50/50 custody even though he clearly has no interest in or ability to raise kids independently (the "and of course I'll support my wife to handle the toddler in any way necessary on the trip" - all while he's boozing it up as best man at a wedding and his wife is also struggling to handle a newborn all by herself away from home surrounded by people who constantly insult her - kind of gives that away... competent fathers would take full responsibility for the toddler when forcing the wife to go on a trip she doesn't want to go on with a newborn, not just try to support her when he felt like it!). And then with 50/50 custody the kids will be exposed even more to all the offensive insanity of his extended family.

Pretty sad really.

I'm the PP who thinks the joint gift is odd. Usually both sets of our parents give us physical gifts but there have been times when my inlaws have given money. It has happened twice. Both times my inlaws gave my husband $5k and they gave me something like a $250 gift card to a store I like. I would have thought it extremely odd if they gave us each the same amount. He is their son for crying out loud. I don't know why they gave him that amount, we weren't having $ problems or anything, but as gift-givers it is their prerogative. My FIL even joked the second time after my husband opened the box that my husband better hand the check to me so he wouldn't lose it. They know their son!!!

gifts can be offensive depending on the context.

by your logic if your in-laws invited your husband but not you for thanksgiving it wouldn't be offensive because it's their home and they can invite whom they want.

That does seem to make sense. It is their house so they can issue invitations as is their preference. And if they did so then it would be my husband's choice as to his response. Eventually, when you mature, you'll realize that you cannot control other people and that you can only control how you respond to other people. Sorry that you're so insecure that you have to blast everyone else's practices. I know exactly how my husband would respond and I would support him no matter what.

My inlaws gave my husband more money than me twice for Christmas. Oh well!!!

This will really get your goat … my MIL passed away and my FIL now has dementia. Guess who is living with us in our home in his own bedroom suite with me in charge of care and caregivers et al? Paybacks are a b, right!?! Wait, oh no, that you would be you kicking him to the curb because you were unhappy with the size of your check … sigh. Grow up and get over yourself.

I’m not the PP you’re responding to, but she’s right. Sad that you’re so tightly wound that you went off the rails at a simple thought provoking question.

[Anonymous]

Does anyone else get the impression that there is one person trolling and making all the nasty, antagonistic posts? There can't be that many bad typists in DCUM land responding here!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op again-

Just to clarify. I never said what my mom said was okay or not offensive. It wasn’t okay and it was rude. I told my wife that. I do not think my mother meant them to be offensive. She doesn’t just walk around being rude and awful to people. I think she spoke carelessly and without thinking and it’s time for my wife to let it go. My wife is the type to be offended when my parents give me a large sum of money for Christmas and give her a small amount on a target gift card.

The fact that your mother gave YOU money for Christmas and gave HER a much smaller amount on a gift card for Christmas, and the fact that you seem to think this is all totally normal, is very telling.

You're married and you have kids together. Good grief.

A normal married couple, if they receive money from their parents, get it as a combined gift. Not "here's a big cash gift for YOU, my darling, oh and here's a little token gift card for you".

Your wife is right. There's something really wrong with your parents. And all of DCUM can see that the apple didn't fall far from the tree.

DP That is the way it works in our family, on both sides. We would think it was extremely weird if we received a joint gift. Who wants that? We're separate people. I appreciate it when I receive a gift that is given with my interests in mind, and so does my husband.

PP, you are having a very strong reaction to something you can't control (other people giving gifts to you). Why is that?

I think the practice of my family is very common to our social set. I cannot think of any couple that receives a "joint" gift from either set of parents. That just seems odd.

Anyway, clearly you are outraged about OP. I just wanted to chime in that the gift-giving thing is actually pretty normal in my family and in our social set.

OP is talking about money, not individual gifts tailored to their individual interests. His parents aren't treating them as a married couple and he's apparently ok with that. I'm thinking his wife should take him up on that.

More than OP being okay with it, he's outraged that his wife has the audacity to be offended by it.

That's IF any of this is real at all. And I'm really hoping it's not. The wife clearly made some bad decisions to stay with such a horrible guy, but now there are apparently two innocent little kids in the mix.

I feel like divorce isn't going to really solve these issues. Can you even imagine what OP is going to be like during a divorce? He'll demand 50/50 custody even though he clearly has no interest in or ability to raise kids independently (the "and of course I'll support my wife to handle the toddler in any way necessary on the trip" - all while he's boozing it up as best man at a wedding and his wife is also struggling to handle a newborn all by herself away from home surrounded by people who constantly insult her - kind of gives that away... competent fathers would take full responsibility for the toddler when forcing the wife to go on a trip she doesn't want to go on with a newborn, not just try to support her when he felt like it!). And then with 50/50 custody the kids will be exposed even more to all the offensive insanity of his extended family.

Pretty sad really.

I'm the PP who thinks the joint gift is odd. Usually both sets of our parents give us physical gifts but there have been times when my inlaws have given money. It has happened twice. Both times my inlaws gave my husband $5k and they gave me something like a $250 gift card to a store I like. I would have thought it extremely odd if they gave us each the same amount. He is their son for crying out loud. I don't know why they gave him that amount, we weren't having $ problems or anything, but as gift-givers it is their prerogative. My FIL even joked the second time after my husband opened the box that my husband better hand the check to me so he wouldn't lose it. They know their son!!!

gifts can be offensive depending on the context.

by your logic if your in-laws invited your husband but not you for thanksgiving it wouldn't be offensive because it's their home and they can invite whom they want.

That does seem to make sense. It is their house so they can issue invitations as is their preference. And if they did so then it would be my husband's choice as to his response. Eventually, when you mature, you'll realize that you cannot control other people and that you can only control how you respond to other people. Sorry that you're so insecure that you have to blast everyone else's practices. I know exactly how my husband would respond and I would support him no matter what.

My inlaws gave my husband more money than me twice for Christmas. Oh well!!!

This will really get your goat … my MIL passed away and my FIL now has dementia. Guess who is living with us in our home in his own bedroom suite with me in charge of care and caregivers et al? Paybacks are a b, right!?! Wait, oh no, that you would be you kicking him to the curb because you were unhappy with the size of your check … sigh. Grow up and get over yourself.

Umm... what? talk about having a chip on your shoulder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow. Okay this will probably be my final post. I cannot give every single detail about everything that has happened. The very strong reactions indicate I have not accurately portrayed the situation. The few people I have discussed this situation with IRL can see the merit to my point of view so I will just leave it at that. I am not going to pressure my wife to attend the wedding. She can stay home wth the kids. You guys have helped me to realize that it would be a tremendous amount of work having Munoz toddler there. He is extremely active and always wants to be running around on his feet. I can only imagine how much more adventurous he will become in another 7 months.

I love my wife and I want to support her. I work hard so that she can stay home and raise our children. I have worries that if I just give in and agree with her about my parents being jerks, then she will demand we cut them off, at least from our children. That is not an acceptable option for me so I find myself reluctant to agree with her.

I'm sure your friends mean well, but consider that people are usually more (brutally) honest when they can tell you something anonymously or without being face to face with you and risking seeing your hurt reaction. Assuming you aren't a troll, please consider that there is a real reason you are getting the responses that you are on this post, and that it's not because you haven't "accurately portrayed" the dynamics between your wife, family and yourself.

+1

I feel like things got more and more “accurate” as OP posted more and revealed more outrageous examples of rudeness that his wife has been putting up with. Pretty sure his wife would have plenty more, since OP thinks that none of these things are a big deal and he actually thought he was improving the way he looked with the new posts.

What he doesn’t realize is that there is NO WAY he can possibly look like a decent husband or father out of all of this, no matter how his wife treats him or his family.

I have lots of firiends and many seek my advice. We’re all adults and we’re going to do what we want and feel how we feel. I make sure they feel heard but rarely do I call them out on their BS even when I think they are wrong. Don’t read too much into your friends’ reaction OP. You have not represented yourself well on this thread.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know, the Xmas thing doesn’t bother me that much. DH’s grandfather sends him a big check every year; I’m sure it’s a way of passing on $ before his death. I don’t care and have no entitlement to getting any large gifts from him.

[Anonymous]

I was with OP in the beginning regarding just the wedding. I had easy deliveries and would have had no trouble flying to CA 6 weeks PP for a sibling's wedding. Now, I was imagining the trip with my own DH who is awesome.

The more OP posts, the more I understand why this particular wife wouldn't make the trip with this particular husband.

[Anonymous]

She's not being unreasonable...you are.

[Anonymous]

OP is never coming back.

[Anonymous]

I know this isn’t the point of the thread, but I’m so happy to read people taking offense to the disparity in gifting sums of money! My parents always gift my DH and I a chunk of money to the two of us, and they do the same for my siblings and their spouses. My inlaws, OTOH, gift my DH $500 every year and gift me one fifth of that. Honestly it’s nice to receive something but it’s just incredibly awkward and cringeworthy for them to pass out 3 $500 checks and then give me a $100 check.(DH’ sibling are both single thus far) And everyone opens the envelopes at the same time. I just feel so awkward!! I wish they would skip my $100 check altogether and just address my DH’s envelope to both of us. I’ve never complained about it but I definitely think in my head “how tacky!!!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this isn’t the point of the thread, but I’m so happy to read people taking offense to the disparity in gifting sums of money! My parents always gift my DH and I a chunk of money to the two of us, and they do the same for my siblings and their spouses. My inlaws, OTOH, gift my DH $500 every year and gift me one fifth of that. Honestly it’s nice to receive something but it’s just incredibly awkward and cringeworthy for them to pass out 3 $500 checks and then give me a $100 check.(DH’ sibling are both single thus far) And everyone opens the envelopes at the same time. I just feel so awkward!! I wish they would skip my $100 check altogether and just address my DH’s envelope to both of us. I’ve never complained about it but I definitely think in my head “how tacky!!!”

You know, I bet your in-laws are actually very sweet people who are thinking "I know DS and Larla can share their check, but it's awkward not acknowledge Larla as a separate person...we should give her a little something too!" Meanwhile they aren't really wanting to gift a full additional $500 just to you b/c their other children might feel like that's pretty unfair that your DH and his wife get $1000 when they "only" get $500.

Family dynamics are weird, but give them a little grace on this one, PP. And maybe consider that they are doing this so as NOT to appear rude and thoughtless, rather than the other way around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this isn’t the point of the thread, but I’m so happy to read people taking offense to the disparity in gifting sums of money! My parents always gift my DH and I a chunk of money to the two of us, and they do the same for my siblings and their spouses. My inlaws, OTOH, gift my DH $500 every year and gift me one fifth of that. Honestly it’s nice to receive something but it’s just incredibly awkward and cringeworthy for them to pass out 3 $500 checks and then give me a $100 check.(DH’ sibling are both single thus far) And everyone opens the envelopes at the same time. I just feel so awkward!! I wish they would skip my $100 check altogether and just address my DH’s envelope to both of us. I’ve never complained about it but I definitely think in my head “how tacky!!!”

You know, I bet your in-laws are actually very sweet people who are thinking "I know DS and Larla can share their check, but it's awkward not acknowledge Larla as a separate person...we should give her a little something too!" Meanwhile they aren't really wanting to gift a full additional $500 just to you b/c their other children might feel like that's pretty unfair that your DH and his wife get $1000 when they "only" get $500.

Family dynamics are weird, but give them a little grace on this one, PP. And maybe consider that they are doing this so as NOT to appear rude and thoughtless, rather than the other way around.

Not the pp, but the tasteful thing to do would be to gift DS and Larla a $600 check... together. It is totally inconsiderate/tacky to handle gifts the way pp’s Inlaws do. It is just such an obvious sentiment of “you are not a full, real member of my family/ you are not as important/ etc”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this isn’t the point of the thread, but I’m so happy to read people taking offense to the disparity in gifting sums of money! My parents always gift my DH and I a chunk of money to the two of us, and they do the same for my siblings and their spouses. My inlaws, OTOH, gift my DH $500 every year and gift me one fifth of that. Honestly it’s nice to receive something but it’s just incredibly awkward and cringeworthy for them to pass out 3 $500 checks and then give me a $100 check.(DH’ sibling are both single thus far) And everyone opens the envelopes at the same time. I just feel so awkward!! I wish they would skip my $100 check altogether and just address my DH’s envelope to both of us. I’ve never complained about it but I definitely think in my head “how tacky!!!”

You know, I bet your in-laws are actually very sweet people who are thinking "I know DS and Larla can share their check, but it's awkward not acknowledge Larla as a separate person...we should give her a little something too!" Meanwhile they aren't really wanting to gift a full additional $500 just to you b/c their other children might feel like that's pretty unfair that your DH and his wife get $1000 when they "only" get $500.

Family dynamics are weird, but give them a little grace on this one, PP. And maybe consider that they are doing this so as NOT to appear rude and thoughtless, rather than the other way around.

not PP - they might have good intentions but their delivery is a failure. giving disparate gifts in a such a public way makes for an awkward situation at the very least. not a hill to die on on its own, for sure, but if a part of a larger picture (which it clearly is in the OP's case) then, yes, a reflection of a broader problem.

[Anonymous]

Your wife is not being unreasonable.
This will be a VERY difficult time for her, I've been there.
It's like the show "Survivor"!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know this isn’t the point of the thread, but I’m so happy to read people taking offense to the disparity in gifting sums of money! My parents always gift my DH and I a chunk of money to the two of us, and they do the same for my siblings and their spouses. My inlaws, OTOH, gift my DH $500 every year and gift me one fifth of that. Honestly it’s nice to receive something but it’s just incredibly awkward and cringeworthy for them to pass out 3 $500 checks and then give me a $100 check.(DH’ sibling are both single thus far) And everyone opens the envelopes at the same time. I just feel so awkward!! I wish they would skip my $100 check altogether and just address my DH’s envelope to both of us. I’ve never complained about it but I definitely think in my head “how tacky!!!”

Please stop with the “gifting” language! They gave you some money. The amounts aren’t large enough to be within the realm of legal “gifting”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know this isn’t the point of the thread, but I’m so happy to read people taking offense to the disparity in gifting sums of money! My parents always gift my DH and I a chunk of money to the two of us, and they do the same for my siblings and their spouses. My inlaws, OTOH, gift my DH $500 every year and gift me one fifth of that. Honestly it’s nice to receive something but it’s just incredibly awkward and cringeworthy for them to pass out 3 $500 checks and then give me a $100 check.(DH’ sibling are both single thus far) And everyone opens the envelopes at the same time. I just feel so awkward!! I wish they would skip my $100 check altogether and just address my DH’s envelope to both of us. I’ve never complained about it but I definitely think in my head “how tacky!!!”

You know, I bet your in-laws are actually very sweet people who are thinking "I know DS and Larla can share their check, but it's awkward not acknowledge Larla as a separate person...we should give her a little something too!" Meanwhile they aren't really wanting to gift a full additional $500 just to you b/c their other children might feel like that's pretty unfair that your DH and his wife get $1000 when they "only" get $500.

Family dynamics are weird, but give them a little grace on this one, PP. And maybe consider that they are doing this so as NOT to appear rude and thoughtless, rather than the other way around.

Eh. But in OP’s situation It is not reasonable to assume her in laws are just trying to be sweet by “recognizing her as an individual” when they have screamed at her and called her lazy.