Am I the only one who doesn't feel bored as a stay at home mom?

[Anonymous]

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The one thing happy SAHMs that I know have in common is no matter how intelligent or well educated, they don't have a strong professional drive.

Does this mean that high professional drive women don't have high drive to become mothers? If so, then why do they have kids?

No, that's a logical fallacy on your part.

How so? I'd just love to hear your thoughts on this one.

Look up logical fallacy. It's not "my thoughts."

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I just don't feel comfortable knowing that my life is made entirely possible by someone else's largesse. I've always felt this way, even as a child when I realized some moms don't work outside the home. It's an uncomfortable feeling.

I've been married 30 years and have been at home all but about six of them. DH and I are both 50. I feel 100% comfortable knowing my life is made entirely possible by my DH's income. He would tell you that his life is made 100% possible by me managing our home. So it works out well in our family.

But if it gives you an uncomfortable feeling, you should definitely continue working.

Fantastic answer and 100% true. I worked for 11 years and have been fortunate enough to be home for 12. I just laugh at the simpletons who can't grasp that marriage is a team effort, not an exercise in bean counting. My husband is my biggest champion, and I am his - no matter which way our "division of duties" is divvied up.

MY marriage is not a team effort, it's an exercise in bean counting, which is why we both work full time. Not ideal, but yeah, it is, so neither of us would ever let the other SAH. In fact, we both make roughly the same amount (in 2016, I made 55% of the HHI).

That is pretty pathetic that you even admit yours is a marriage based on bean counting. And that neither of you would "ever let the other SAH." Wow. How awful, to compete not only at work, but also in your marriage. Sad for your kids, too.

At least I'm not in denial. Many SAHMs think they are equal partners, when really, their husbands pick the vacation destination or the next car, and let their wives worry about the details. What can a SAHM do if her husband decides to stay for a couple of days of vacation after a business trip?

I don't really know people like this. For our vacations, I tell my husband to block off certain days and I schedule everything. I pick my own car. He does his. I handle all of the money. In fact, he just called me because he wants to make a pretty big charitable donation and wanted to see if that was ok with me and where to get the money from.

Not all marriages are built on an uneven foundation. Mine wasn't when I worked and it isn't now that I don't. If it was, I agree that one should always work. But it is kind of sad if that is the state of your marriage.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I just don't feel comfortable knowing that my life is made entirely possible by someone else's largesse. I've always felt this way, even as a child when I realized some moms don't work outside the home. It's an uncomfortable feeling.

I've been married 30 years and have been at home all but about six of them. DH and I are both 50. I feel 100% comfortable knowing my life is made entirely possible by my DH's income. He would tell you that his life is made 100% possible by me managing our home. So it works out well in our family.

But if it gives you an uncomfortable feeling, you should definitely continue working.

Fantastic answer and 100% true. I worked for 11 years and have been fortunate enough to be home for 12. I just laugh at the simpletons who can't grasp that marriage is a team effort, not an exercise in bean counting. My husband is my biggest champion, and I am his - no matter which way our "division of duties" is divvied up.

MY marriage is not a team effort, it's an exercise in bean counting, which is why we both work full time. Not ideal, but yeah, it is, so neither of us would ever let the other SAH. In fact, we both make roughly the same amount (in 2016, I made 55% of the HHI).

DP... I'm sorry, but this doesn't sound like great marriage. I've been both a wohm, sahm, wfh, PT, etc... Marriage is a partnership.

Marriage is a partnership, ideally, but then again life is not ideal. The kind of man who respects his wife being at home was not the kind of man who would be attracted to me - I'm too competitive

I'm glad that works for you, but my DH respects me whether I choose to be sahm or wohm, and I've done both. Your marriage sounds more like a competition.

Yes, we are both competitive, and our marriage is much more egalitarian than most of our friends'.

Sure... "egalitarian." Exactly the word that came to mind when reading the description of your marriage.

There is no gender divide in our parenting. We both taught/are teaching the kids to drive. Whoever is cooking depends on the night of the week. We make all financial decisions truly jointly. I realize this wouldn't suit many of you posters, but it works for us and has for over 20 years.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The implication in this thread is that staying at home is preferable to working and the women posting that they aren’t bored seem to be gloating about it. So that is what is bringing out the venom from the working moms. Maybe I should start a thread about how great it is to be a working mom and see how the SAHMs respond.

Go ahead. I do think staying home is great. That is why I do it. Why should I pretend that it sucks? If you prefer working, fine by me.

Does your husband ever get jealous of all your free time?

Mine does not. He’s very career focused and loves his work and his contribution there. I did not. I went the college-career route and was miserable. He is not. I didn’t feel I was contributing to anything other than my unhappiness when I was working. I’m very happy and fulfilled now, and my husband is very happy and fulfilled now. It works for us now.

You're happy being married to a man whose main focus in life is work?

DP, but it sounds like the main focus in life for many women on this thread is work. Don't you think it's kind of sexist to imply men's main focus shouldn't be work?

I don't think anyone's focus in life should be work. I think both parents should be actively involved in parenting, and neither parent should leave the breadwinning entirely to the other parent.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The implication in this thread is that staying at home is preferable to working and the women posting that they aren’t bored seem to be gloating about it. So that is what is bringing out the venom from the working moms. Maybe I should start a thread about how great it is to be a working mom and see how the SAHMs respond.

Go ahead. I do think staying home is great. That is why I do it. Why should I pretend that it sucks? If you prefer working, fine by me.

Does your husband ever get jealous of all your free time?

Mine does not. He’s very career focused and loves his work and his contribution there. I did not. I went the college-career route and was miserable. He is not. I didn’t feel I was contributing to anything other than my unhappiness when I was working. I’m very happy and fulfilled now, and my husband is very happy and fulfilled now. It works for us now.

You're happy being married to a man whose main focus in life is work?

Where did I ever say that?

But since you asked if I’m happy, yes, I’m honestly happy. He’s a wonderfully involved husband and father in the evenings and weekends. He sees his clients M-Th and puts in 12-14 hours a day and then we spend all day together fridays, and then have the weekends as a family. I have never been happier. But yes, we do have a mutual agreement that during the workweek, he is mostly focused on his work, and I am focused on things at home, so that he can get everything work related done before Th night, and we can then spend the weekend together.

Okay. What do you do for adult companionship M- Th?

I visit with my parents and sister (retired, and also SAH), I visit with a neighbor (we have coffee weekly), I run with a friend once a week (she works nights), my child plays at the playground after school while the moms chat (for about an hour almost daily, I volunteer at the school with another mom making copies and other tasks twice a month, I also socialize at sporting events.

Why is there this idea and misconception that women who stay home are completely isolated from adult contact?

Because I was too tired while on maternity leave to go out of the house much, and I have no local family, and I never SAH past the first 12 weeks of maternity leave.

Those first 12 weeks are all-consuming. It gets so much better and more fun when the baby is a little older and you can go out and do things.

Doing things with baby two days out of seven was enough for me.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don't get the confusion at what someone does all day. I go once or twice a week to visit my MIL in a nursing home and deal with her stuff. Its 45 minutes away so it takes most of the day. One day grocery shop and another day errands. Lunch with one of my parents (separate) or friends. Clean the house, pay bills, do house repairs, etc. and sometimes a nice nap.

I do a week's worth of laundry and the week's grocery shopping in 4-5 hours on one weekend day. No elder care demands. I outsource house cleaning and repairs, and I pay most of our bills online. I can't really see one whole day for grocery shopping and another whole day for errands.

You must teach One-Upmanship 101! You're so good at it. I'm sure there are plenty of things you do that we "can't really see" the need for.

I understand it must be hard to realize other women are so much more efficient at life tasks. I'm sorry you have to fill up your time with a whole day of grocery shopping. Really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Newsflash: Raising kids is a contribution to society.

Newsflash: you can raise kids, plus have a career.

I spent 30 plus years as working mom. Then I got laid off and now I work part time while staying at home. I'm not bored. I realize that I was way overextended while trying to raise kids and work full time and that it almost ruined my mental health for good. The expectation that women can take on full time jobs while still performing most of their traditional roles is, in my view, nothing short of abuse. You can say that men should take on half of the home roles but that doesn't work for most of us. Meanwhile, men have come to expect women who can "do it all" and still be hot in the bedroom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes it's okay to be bored. Beats the hell out of stressing.

I never had time to be bored. Kids, husband, cooking, cleaning, shopping, running here and there, hobbies, lunches. I never knew true and complete serenity until the kids left home.

When someone asks what I do all day I say whatever I want. I LOVE MY LIFE. MY BORING LIFE.

Hi, PP! You are me in 17 years. Wish me luck!

And congrats to you. Enjoy your well-earned boredom.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:The implication in this thread is that staying at home is preferable to working and the women posting that they aren’t bored seem to be gloating about it. So that is what is bringing out the venom from the working moms. Maybe I should start a thread about how great it is to be a working mom and see how the SAHMs respond.

I can’t image very many would respond at all. I have lots of friends who WOH. I’m amazed at their ability to juggle so much.

The only time I judge a WOHM is when she she spends 50+ hours a week away from her kids. I would say the same about a SAHM who was never with her kids. And I will admit to feeling strongly that babies and young children need to be with their mothers. When men carry a baby for nine months and are able to breastfeed, I’ll feel differently. Everything about the way we are designed makes it clear that it is not natural or healthy for a mother to spend hours and hours away from her baby.

I had 50 hours of childcare per week for more than 10 years. I used about 47 of them regularly. When you don't have any family to give you a break and have a demanding career, it's necessary. My relationships with my now teens is just fine, and unlike you, didn't feel that I needed to cut back on my career.

The only appropriate response to this is: Holy shit.

Different
Why? I am raising wonderful children and we are a close family. Plus both of us parents managed to maintain our careers full steam. To me, that's success.

And yet you are too close minded to understand and accept that different people define success differently. Makes me wonder how “successful” you actually are. Your posts make you sound like a self absorbed narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just as a word of advice to some of the PPs, the SAHM/WOHM debate is stupid and generally short-lived. When the kids get older, other moms don’t care anymore. If some moms did care, you have the benefit of not giving a good god damn what someone else thinks about your parenting choices.

Don’t waste energy on these silly mommy-wars.

As a mom to an 18 and 16 year old, I totally agree on the short-lived comment. There are pluses and minuses to both, and your choice does affect how your life plays out, but you can raise healthy, happy kids by WOH, WAH or SAH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really think early feminists, like Friedan, did a huge disservice to SAHMs with their books about how bored and unfulfilled they were.
Anyone who is doing a good job as a SAHM is not likely to be bored. There's a lot of work involved in shopping, cooking, laundry, cleaning, kids activities....
Too many women are totally stressed and worn out by doing a second shift.

It doesn't take an advanced degree to shop and do all that. That was Friedan's point. Women should be able to use their brainpower and energy for paid work, not just drudgery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Newsflash: Raising kids is a contribution to society.

Newsflash: you can raise kids, plus have a career.

You can. Or you can stay home. Or you can work for part of their lives and stay home for part. We all get to decide. Life is crazy like that.

I agree, but anyone can contribute to society by raising kids. Some of us ask ourselves if that is enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the confusion at what someone does all day. I go once or twice a week to visit my MIL in a nursing home and deal with her stuff. Its 45 minutes away so it takes most of the day. One day grocery shop and another day errands. Lunch with one of my parents (separate) or friends. Clean the house, pay bills, do house repairs, etc. and sometimes a nice nap.

I do a week's worth of laundry and the week's grocery shopping in 4-5 hours on one weekend day. No elder care demands. I outsource house cleaning and repairs, and I pay most of our bills online. I can't really see one whole day for grocery shopping and another whole day for errands.

You must teach One-Upmanship 101! You're so good at it. I'm sure there are plenty of things you do that we "can't really see" the need for.

I understand it must be hard to realize other women are so much more efficient at life tasks. I'm sorry you have to fill up your time with a whole day of grocery shopping. Really.

It must be hard to realize that you have a personality disorder that causes you to prattle on endlessly about how wonderful you are. It’s Trumpian, surprised you haven't yet told us your IQ or SAT score.

—Another working mom who doesn’t think like feel life is a zero sum competition.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would be so bored. I wish that weren't the case, but it is. I'm easily able to manage the household with my husband AND work. We purposely bought a house that is small (requires less work) and is a short commute to our jobs. The person that sacrifices the most so I can work is my husband. He is required to do an equal share at home. If I stayed at home I'd basically just turn into unpaid help and childcare. I'm contributing a good 50k towards retirement each year and we are able to live off my salary. As long as I'm happy and my kids and husband are happy I will continue working.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just don't feel comfortable knowing that my life is made entirely possible by someone else's largesse. I've always felt this way, even as a child when I realized some moms don't work outside the home. It's an uncomfortable feeling.

I've been married 30 years and have been at home all but about six of them. DH and I are both 50. I feel 100% comfortable knowing my life is made entirely possible by my DH's income. He would tell you that his life is made 100% possible by me managing our home. So it works out well in our family.

But if it gives you an uncomfortable feeling, you should definitely continue working.

Fantastic answer and 100% true. I worked for 11 years and have been fortunate enough to be home for 12. I just laugh at the simpletons who can't grasp that marriage is a team effort, not an exercise in bean counting. My husband is my biggest champion, and I am his - no matter which way our "division of duties" is divvied up.

MY marriage is not a team effort, it's an exercise in bean counting, which is why we both work full time. Not ideal, but yeah, it is, so neither of us would ever let the other SAH. In fact, we both make roughly the same amount (in 2016, I made 55% of the HHI).

That is pretty pathetic that you even admit yours is a marriage based on bean counting. And that neither of you would "ever let the other SAH." Wow. How awful, to compete not only at work, but also in your marriage. Sad for your kids, too.

At least I'm not in denial. Many SAHMs think they are equal partners, when really, their husbands pick the vacation destination or the next car, and let their wives worry about the details. What can a SAHM do if her husband decides to stay for a couple of days of vacation after a business trip?

I don't really know people like this. For our vacations, I tell my husband to block off certain days and I schedule everything. I pick my own car. He does his. I handle all of the money. In fact, he just called me because he wants to make a pretty big charitable donation and wanted to see if that was ok with me and where to get the money from.

Not all marriages are built on an uneven foundation. Mine wasn't when I worked and it isn't now that I don't. If it was, I agree that one should always work. But it is kind of sad if that is the state of your marriage.

Sad to you. Works for us.