Defaulted into main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't know if you're still reading, but I think what you resent is the loss of attention from your wife on you and the things that made life worthwhile for you: more free time, a pleasant house with pleasant dinners, etc. It's a very common complaint among new fathers and one which should not elicit such deep resentment on your part.

Perhaps the trick is to try and understand the value of what your wife does currently with your children, and her future as their principal caregiver. There is great potential there!

An involved, educated and sensible parent will trump a daycare any day, and organize playdates, outings, activities. A SAHM parent can pick up the children from school and do enrichment, help with homework, drive them to activities, etc, all before dinner and a reasonable bedtime. It makes life so much less stressful! For the children's wellbeing, money is not everything.

Do you realize that most elementary-school children I know have concomitantly one sport, one musical instrument and one language to learn after school, in addition to their homework? Do you want to pay a nanny to drive them around and "help" them with their homework? Or will you or your wife be able to find a part-time or flexible job that will allow one of you to do this?

I understand she is not keeping the house or taking care of you as you would wish right now. Remember these skills may develop themselves in a few years, when the babies don't need her round the clock. The mental sharpness and lively dinner conversations will come back, but not now - she's deep in the trenches.

I was your wife years ago: I stopped working because my job was too stressful - I was totally focused on my children for the first 2 years. I will remember that precious time as long as I live, and the fact that the house was messy and dinners sometimes forgotten is really completely unimportant compared to the extraordinary bond I developed with my children. It made me so happy and fulfilled. My husband, though lamenting that he wasn't getting as much TLC as before, was happy that I was happy (much better than a grouchy, super-stressed wife that won't make dinner anyway!).

Also keep in mind that having two working parents with young children is very stressful! It won't be same as before, when you had no kids, one just one kid in daycare.

It's normal not to see the benefits of a stay at home parent right away, OP, since your children can't hold intellectual conversations and show off what they've leaned right now. But you'll get there and be glad your children had that luxury.

THIS.

[Anonymous]

OP, shut your pie hole and get back to work.

[Anonymous]

If you're going to be a SAHM. you need to be the BEST SAHM you can be. Clean house, cook, keep yourself at least halfway decent looking. By that I mean fix your hair, wash your face, put on deodorant, no sloppy clothes.

Yeah, it sounds 50ish but damn, being home full time IS LIVING THE DREAM. Don't be that nightmare wife. Or you'll be reading about yourself on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you're going to be a SAHM. you need to be the BEST SAHM you can be. Clean house, cook, keep yourself at least halfway decent looking. By that I mean fix your hair, wash your face, put on deodorant, no sloppy clothes.

Yeah, it sounds 50ish but damn, being home full time IS LIVING THE DREAM. Don't be that nightmare wife. Or you'll be reading about yourself on here.

Don't be that idiotic regressive husband. Or you'll find yourself reading about yourself on here. And promise- the DCUMs will bash an entitled selfish cunt of a husband a lot more than a mom who is focused on her kids over her looks or keeping the house perfect looking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've only read the first and last pages of this thread, but you sound like you need some perspective. The fact that your wife organizes and does crafts with your kids is infinitely more important than a load of laundry getting done and the floor being scrubbed. This comes from a person whose mother never spent any time with her because she was too busy cooking and cleaning. I would've appreciated delivery and an hour to actually talk with my mother over her being "good" at being a SAHM.

And I grew up in a very messy house with a crafting SAHM and it had long-lasting negative consequences.

Also, OP, I really appreciate my dad. I saw how hard he worked. He did what you do, coming home and cleaning after a very long day at work. Your kids will know and appreciate what you do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't know if you're still reading, but I think what you resent is the loss of attention from your wife on you and the things that made life worthwhile for you: more free time, a pleasant house with pleasant dinners, etc. It's a very common complaint among new fathers and one which should not elicit such deep resentment on your part.

Perhaps the trick is to try and understand the value of what your wife does currently with your children, and her future as their principal caregiver. There is great potential there!

An involved, educated and sensible parent will trump a daycare any day, and organize playdates, outings, activities. A SAHM parent can pick up the children from school and do enrichment, help with homework, drive them to activities, etc, all before dinner and a reasonable bedtime. It makes life so much less stressful! For the children's wellbeing, money is not everything.

Do you realize that most elementary-school children I know have concomitantly one sport, one musical instrument and one language to learn after school, in addition to their homework? Do you want to pay a nanny to drive them around and "help" them with their homework? Or will you or your wife be able to find a part-time or flexible job that will allow one of you to do this?

I understand she is not keeping the house or taking care of you as you would wish right now. Remember these skills may develop themselves in a few years, when the babies don't need her round the clock. The mental sharpness and lively dinner conversations will come back, but not now - she's deep in the trenches.

I was your wife years ago: I stopped working because my job was too stressful - I was totally focused on my children for the first 2 years. I will remember that precious time as long as I live, and the fact that the house was messy and dinners sometimes forgotten is really completely unimportant compared to the extraordinary bond I developed with my children. It made me so happy and fulfilled. My husband, though lamenting that he wasn't getting as much TLC as before, was happy that I was happy (much better than a grouchy, super-stressed wife that won't make dinner anyway!).

Also keep in mind that having two working parents with young children is very stressful! It won't be same as before, when you had no kids, one just one kid in daycare.

It's normal not to see the benefits of a stay at home parent right away, OP, since your children can't hold intellectual conversations and show off what they've leaned right now. But you'll get there and be glad your children had that luxury.

So you stopped working because it was too stressful but now if your spouse's job is too stressful your spouse has to endure it no matter what. You not working adds stress to your spouse's life. Sorry to break it to you but plenty of kids who are in daycare are thriving with financially secure parents. You do have a point about it being nice to be able able to do enrichment with your elementary kids after school. However, it doesn't mean you have to stay home and wait around, you can just work part time or shift your hours so that one parent goes in to work early so he or she can leave early. Why should you get to have leisure time for 7 hours a day while the kids are in school?

[Anonymous]

Priceless maternal bond with your kids at the expense of your husband's desire to be able to do the same.

One shouldn't get ones hearts desire at the cost of another's heart.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

I don't know if you're still reading, but I think what you resent is the loss of attention from your wife on you and the things that made life worthwhile for you: more free time, a pleasant house with pleasant dinners, etc. It's a very common complaint among new fathers and one which should not elicit such deep resentment on your part.

Perhaps the trick is to try and understand the value of what your wife does currently with your children, and her future as their principal caregiver. There is great potential there!

An involved, educated and sensible parent will trump a daycare any day, and organize playdates, outings, activities. A SAHM parent can pick up the children from school and do enrichment, help with homework, drive them to activities, etc, all before dinner and a reasonable bedtime. It makes life so much less stressful! For the children's wellbeing, money is not everything.

Do you realize that most elementary-school children I know have concomitantly one sport, one musical instrument and one language to learn after school, in addition to their homework? Do you want to pay a nanny to drive them around and "help" them with their homework? Or will you or your wife be able to find a part-time or flexible job that will allow one of you to do this?

I understand she is not keeping the house or taking care of you as you would wish right now. Remember these skills may develop themselves in a few years, when the babies don't need her round the clock. The mental sharpness and lively dinner conversations will come back, but not now - she's deep in the trenches.

I was your wife years ago: I stopped working because my job was too stressful - I was totally focused on my children for the first 2 years. I will remember that precious time as long as I live, and the fact that the house was messy and dinners sometimes forgotten is really completely unimportant compared to the extraordinary bond I developed with my children. It made me so happy and fulfilled. My husband, though lamenting that he wasn't getting as much TLC as before, was happy that I was happy (much better than a grouchy, super-stressed wife that won't make dinner anyway!).

Also keep in mind that having two working parents with young children is very stressful! It won't be same as before, when you had no kids, one just one kid in daycare.

It's normal not to see the benefits of a stay at home parent right away, OP, since your children can't hold intellectual conversations and show off what they've leaned right now. But you'll get there and be glad your children had that luxury.

Right now OP is seeing:
1) A wife that cares more about Pinterest shit than in well, making him dinner, which is kind of one of the primary things a SAHM ought to be doing.
2) A wife that cries whenever she hears anything she doesn't want to hear (and I suspect it happens more often than in discussions about her going back to work, but I could be wrong).
3) A wife that doesn't even seem to try to keep a clean house (granted, this could be him being overly fussy, maybe there's room for him to let things go a bit here).
4) A wife that doesn't seem happy as a stay at home wife/mother.

Just because YOU did things as a SAHM that made you happier doesn't mean OP's wife is doing these things, or that OP wants the same things as your husband.

[Anonymous]

OP here. This entire thing has been food for thought. I didn't want to set of a mine field, but I really needed a space to vent and just take some perspective after a difficult month.

I really have made some peace with what happened because the alternative is just to dig in, be resentful for the passive decision to stop working my wife made without openly discussing it with me, and to accept that things are just the way they are and the cost of getting my wife's strengths as a SAHM is to accept the things she just doesn't do that well. I also know we're in the trenches and our kids are small and things will change despite my wife's reluctance to move on from the baby phase. Maybe not as quickly as I'd like. But things change.

I also made a real calculated decision. I love my wife. And while I'm not crazy about who is she right now, I love her as a person and am committed to sharing our journey together (even through a period of time where I'm not thrilled with the balance of our relationship).

The alternative is basically to get divorced. And if all I wanted was her to work, that's probably what I'd pursue. We'd sell our home, move into town houses and I'd get the exact opposite of what I truly want: more time with my family and a wife who is happy and fulfilled and loves me.

So, that isn't what I want. I want her to be fulfilled and happy and loved and right now the only thing I can do is the latter. So, I chose love. And I chose my marriage. Even if that means I have to work more now, I am choosing to have faith that my wife will step up in other ways and at other times when I can't handle things. I am choosing to forgive and let go of the resentment, and be grateful we have the means to hire a house cleaner and pay for preschool and pay for our home and student loans and all of that.

And I am choosing to write there here because I am going to waver on this at times. And when I do, I am going to Google this to remind myself that I made this choice. I didn't get to make the choice about my wife's decision to stay home, and I am accepting her decision despite it not being one I'd choose.

That actually feels good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This entire thing has been food for thought. I didn't want to set of a mine field, but I really needed a space to vent and just take some perspective after a difficult month.

I really have made some peace with what happened because the alternative is just to dig in, be resentful for the passive decision to stop working my wife made without openly discussing it with me, and to accept that things are just the way they are and the cost of getting my wife's strengths as a SAHM is to accept the things she just doesn't do that well. I also know we're in the trenches and our kids are small and things will change despite my wife's reluctance to move on from the baby phase. Maybe not as quickly as I'd like. But things change.

I also made a real calculated decision. I love my wife. And while I'm not crazy about who is she right now, I love her as a person and am committed to sharing our journey together (even through a period of time where I'm not thrilled with the balance of our relationship).

The alternative is basically to get divorced. And if all I wanted was her to work, that's probably what I'd pursue. We'd sell our home, move into town houses and I'd get the exact opposite of what I truly want: more time with my family and a wife who is happy and fulfilled and loves me.

So, that isn't what I want. I want her to be fulfilled and happy and loved and right now the only thing I can do is the latter. So, I chose love. And I chose my marriage. Even if that means I have to work more now, I am choosing to have faith that my wife will step up in other ways and at other times when I can't handle things. I am choosing to forgive and let go of the resentment, and be grateful we have the means to hire a house cleaner and pay for preschool and pay for our home and student loans and all of that.

And I am choosing to write there here because I am going to waver on this at times. And when I do, I am going to Google this to remind myself that I made this choice. I didn't get to make the choice about my wife's decision to stay home, and I am accepting her decision despite it not being one I'd choose.

That actually feels good.

Beautiful and brave decision. Way to go OP.

[Anonymous]

This literally never happens here. I think this should go into a sticky or something because there are already two threads complaining about spouses that could really use some of the levity OP has. Impressive, dude.

[Anonymous]

Congratulations OP, wishing you and dw many years of happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. A lot of it is that my DW made a lot of decisions in a very passive way without my input. She stopped job hunting after leaving a job she didn't like. She just felt it was impossible to get hired pregnant. And with daycare cost, it was a wash. So, she just made the decision to stop working or looking and that was that. There are jobs she'd be qualified for but she just isn't willing to do the work to hustle for them like she used to.

But I really liked our daycare. Our older thrived and our younger one really would benefit from being in a more structured environment. I actually would have been happier taking a small loss and having the kids go because our time together would be quality time and our time apart would be spent furthering ourselves professionally as adults. And truthfully, the wear and tear on home would be so much less because we'd all be gone for large parts of the day. I can tell you right now the house is a mess and will be until this weekend when I will spend it doing a deep cleaning.

I just think that the decision was a bad one and when I try to bring it up, I get tears, demands that she needs a break and wants to just be a mom as her job (I just point our being a parent isn't a job so much as a role in a family. You don't stop being a mom just because you work). Financially, it's stupid for us to not both be working. We aren't saving for retirement beyond my 401k and we aren't saving for the kids' college or anything beyond a few months of emergency saving. That stresses me out.

I actually started therapy to deal with my resentment. It helped but the therapist mentioned that this might just be a phase. So I wanted to see if anyone else went through this...

So, with just one kid in daycare, her working would have been a wash. With one kid in preschool and one kid in daycare, it will be an ever bigger loss of income. So you will have even less to save for retirement, etc.....wouldn't that stress you out even more? It sounds like your family is better off with her being a SAHM until both your kids are in public school, and then hopefully she can go back to work. Have you actually talked to her about it, and if so, what did she say?

[Anonymous]

PP, he's over it. In kind of a spectacular way. I don't think going into the nuts and bolts of things is really that useful.

[Anonymous]

OP here. This entire thing has been food for thought. I didn't want to set of a mine field, but I really needed a space to vent and just take some perspective after a difficult month.

I really have made some peace with what happened because the alternative is just to dig in, be resentful for the passive decision to stop working my wife made without openly discussing it with me, and to accept that things are just the way they are and the cost of getting my wife's strengths as a SAHM is to accept the things she just doesn't do that well. I also know we're in the trenches and our kids are small and things will change despite my wife's reluctance to move on from the baby phase. Maybe not as quickly as I'd like. But things change.

I also made a real calculated decision. I love my wife. And while I'm not crazy about who is she right now, I love her as a person and am committed to sharing our journey together (even through a period of time where I'm not thrilled with the balance of our relationship).

The alternative is basically to get divorced. And if all I wanted was her to work, that's probably what I'd pursue. We'd sell our home, move into town houses and I'd get the exact opposite of what I truly want: more time with my family and a wife who is happy and fulfilled and loves me.

So, that isn't what I want. I want her to be fulfilled and happy and loved and right now the only thing I can do is the latter. So, I chose love. And I chose my marriage. Even if that means I have to work more now, I am choosing to have faith that my wife will step up in other ways and at other times when I can't handle things. I am choosing to forgive and let go of the resentment, and be grateful we have the means to hire a house cleaner and pay for preschool and pay for our home and student loans and all of that.

And I am choosing to write there here because I am going to waver on this at times. And when I do, I am going to Google this to remind myself that I made this choice. I didn't get to make the choice about my wife's decision to stay home, and I am accepting her decision despite it not being one I'd choose.

That actually feels good.

Applause.