Defaulted into main breadwinner

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I actually felt tmy marriage was stronger when we both worked and both parented together. Everything is just so lopsided right now. That's the best way I can describe it.

OP, mommy wars aside, this is your problem. How are you going to fix this?

Hey he should quit too! Then they'll both be SAH and it won't be lopsided!

[Anonymous]

OP here. This entire thing has been food for thought. I didn't want to set of a mine field, but I really needed a space to vent and just take some perspective after a difficult month.

I really have made some peace with what happened because the alternative is just to dig in, be resentful for the passive decision to stop working my wife made without openly discussing it with me, and to accept that things are just the way they are and the cost of getting my wife's strengths as a SAHM is to accept the things she just doesn't do that well. I also know we're in the trenches and our kids are small and things will change despite my wife's reluctance to move on from the baby phase. Maybe not as quickly as I'd like. But things change.

I also made a real calculated decision. I love my wife. And while I'm not crazy about who is she right now, I love her as a person and am committed to sharing our journey together (even through a period of time where I'm not thrilled with the balance of our relationship).

The alternative is basically to get divorced. And if all I wanted was her to work, that's probably what I'd pursue. We'd sell our home, move into town houses and I'd get the exact opposite of what I truly want: more time with my family and a wife who is happy and fulfilled and loves me.

So, that isn't what I want. I want her to be fulfilled and happy and loved and right now the only thing I can do is the latter. So, I chose love. And I chose my marriage. Even if that means I have to work more now, I am choosing to have faith that my wife will step up in other ways and at other times when I can't handle things. I am choosing to forgive and let go of the resentment, and be grateful we have the means to hire a house cleaner and pay for preschool and pay for our home and student loans and all of that.

And I am choosing to write there here because I am going to waver on this at times. And when I do, I am going to Google this to remind myself that I made this choice. I didn't get to make the choice about my wife's decision to stay home, and I am accepting her decision despite it not being one I'd choose.

That actually feels good.

That's how he fixed it. It was probably the most healthy thread I've seen on DCUM notwithstanding the mommy war bashing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I've only read the first and last pages of this thread, but you sound like you need some perspective. The fact that your wife organizes and does crafts with your kids is infinitely more important than a load of laundry getting done and the floor being scrubbed. This comes from a person whose mother never spent any time with her because she was too busy cooking and cleaning. I would've appreciated delivery and an hour to actually talk with my mother over her being "good" at being a SAHM.

Absolutely. Take this to heart op.

Why can't there be a happy medium? I spend time with my kids, yet we don't live in a pigsty. And I work full time, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This entire thing has been food for thought. I didn't want to set of a mine field, but I really needed a space to vent and just take some perspective after a difficult month.

I really have made some peace with what happened because the alternative is just to dig in, be resentful for the passive decision to stop working my wife made without openly discussing it with me, and to accept that things are just the way they are and the cost of getting my wife's strengths as a SAHM is to accept the things she just doesn't do that well. I also know we're in the trenches and our kids are small and things will change despite my wife's reluctance to move on from the baby phase. Maybe not as quickly as I'd like. But things change.

I also made a real calculated decision. I love my wife. And while I'm not crazy about who is she right now, I love her as a person and am committed to sharing our journey together (even through a period of time where I'm not thrilled with the balance of our relationship).

The alternative is basically to get divorced. And if all I wanted was her to work, that's probably what I'd pursue. We'd sell our home, move into town houses and I'd get the exact opposite of what I truly want: more time with my family and a wife who is happy and fulfilled and loves me.

So, that isn't what I want. I want her to be fulfilled and happy and loved and right now the only thing I can do is the latter. So, I chose love. And I chose my marriage. Even if that means I have to work more now, I am choosing to have faith that my wife will step up in other ways and at other times when I can't handle things. I am choosing to forgive and let go of the resentment, and be grateful we have the means to hire a house cleaner and pay for preschool and pay for our home and student loans and all of that.

And I am choosing to write there here because I am going to waver on this at times. And when I do, I am going to Google this to remind myself that I made this choice. I didn't get to make the choice about my wife's decision to stay home, and I am accepting her decision despite it not being one I'd choose.

That actually feels good.

OK, OP, but PLEASE use birth control. No more kids with your wife!!

[Anonymous]

OK, OP, but PLEASE use birth control. No more kids with your wife!!

Why do you think having any more or not having any more would make a difference. The issue wasn't even the kids. It was that the DW made a family decision without telling her DH and left him with the fallout of that decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

OK, OP, but PLEASE use birth control. No more kids with your wife!!

Why do you think having any more or not having any more would make a difference. The issue wasn't even the kids. It was that the DW made a family decision without telling her DH and left him with the fallout of that decision.

Because the sooner they stop having kids, the sooner they'll grow up.

[Anonymous]

OP here. This entire thing has been food for thought. I didn't want to set of a mine field, but I really needed a space to vent and just take some perspective after a difficult month.

I really have made some peace with what happened because the alternative is just to dig in, be resentful for the passive decision to stop working my wife made without openly discussing it with me, and to accept that things are just the way they are and the cost of getting my wife's strengths as a SAHM is to accept the things she just doesn't do that well. I also know we're in the trenches and our kids are small and things will change despite my wife's reluctance to move on from the baby phase. Maybe not as quickly as I'd like. But things change.

I also made a real calculated decision. I love my wife. And while I'm not crazy about who is she right now, I love her as a person and am committed to sharing our journey together (even through a period of time where I'm not thrilled with the balance of our relationship).

The alternative is basically to get divorced. And if all I wanted was her to work, that's probably what I'd pursue. We'd sell our home, move into town houses and I'd get the exact opposite of what I truly want: more time with my family and a wife who is happy and fulfilled and loves me.

So, that isn't what I want. I want her to be fulfilled and happy and loved and right now the only thing I can do is the latter. So, I chose love. And I chose my marriage. Even if that means I have to work more now, I am choosing to have faith that my wife will step up in other ways and at other times when I can't handle things. I am choosing to forgive and let go of the resentment, and be grateful we have the means to hire a house cleaner and pay for preschool and pay for our home and student loans and all of that.

And I am choosing to write there here because I am going to waver on this at times. And when I do, I am going to Google this to remind myself that I made this choice. I didn't get to make the choice about my wife's decision to stay home, and I am accepting her decision despite it not being one I'd choose.

That actually feels good.

I am sitting in my cubicle, trying not to cry. What a nice thing to see on a crappy Friday morning. That is awesome, OP. GL to you and yours.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
First of all, daycare is an expense counted against BOTH parents' salaries. Not hers, not his, BOTH. So it's not "her" salary paying daycare costs; it is the household income paying those costs.

Second: Working is about more than today's take-home pay. It is about retirement benefits, healthcare, an investment in one's career (which pays off in higher earnings as time goes by). The list goes on. And daycare is a short-term proposition, relative to one's career. Yes, it is expensive and eats into income - we were in the red for several years when we had both a nanny and part-time preschool - but that is only for a few years. In the longer run, that becomes negligible vis-a-vis the income that a parent who continues to work earns compared to what s/he would have earned had s/he left the workforce.

This is such a hugely important point, and one that I think people gloss over frequently. Continuing to work is never a wash, unless the job is one with no promotion potential, no benefits, and offers no opportunity to learn portable skills that can lead to a more lucrative (or satisfying) career. The day care and preschool years don't last long at all, and the infant years are the most expensive. If the OPs wife's salary was sufficient to cover two infants plus health care costs and retirement benefits, she was doing very well indeed.

Like others, I've really enjoyed this thread. OP--I'm glad you took the time to post and respond. I admire you for your self-awareness and the work you are putting into trying to find a way to make sure your marriage and your family are strong and healthy. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

That's awesome, OP. I would sit down with your wife and tell her your thoughts on feeling "forced" into working, and explain how you feel there should have been a conversation. Don't be passive aggressive or dramatic. I would also really carefully think through what you want. As you said, wanting your wife to work although there is no financial benefit right now simply because you find it more attractive and you feel your kids need more structure may be entirely outweighed by the happiness of your wife and children. You also can't make unilateral decisions about what is best for the kids, it needs to be a discussion. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm OP. A lot of it is that my DW made a lot of decisions in a very passive way without my input. She stopped job hunting after leaving a job she didn't like. She just felt it was impossible to get hired pregnant. And with daycare cost, it was a wash. So, she just made the decision to stop working or looking and that was that. There are jobs she'd be qualified for but she just isn't willing to do the work to hustle for them like she used to.

But I really liked our daycare. Our older thrived and our younger one really would benefit from being in a more structured environment. I actually would have been happier taking a small loss and having the kids go because our time together would be quality time and our time apart would be spent furthering ourselves professionally as adults. And truthfully, the wear and tear on home would be so much less because we'd all be gone for large parts of the day. I can tell you right now the house is a mess and will be until this weekend when I will spend it doing a deep cleaning.

I just think that the decision was a bad one and when I try to bring it up, I get tears, demands that she needs a break and wants to just be a mom as her job (I just point our being a parent isn't a job so much as a role in a family. You don't stop being a mom just because you work). Financially, it's stupid for us to not both be working. We aren't saving for retirement beyond my 401k and we aren't saving for the kids' college or anything beyond a few months of emergency saving. That stresses me out.

I actually started therapy to deal with my resentment. It helped but the therapist mentioned that this might just be a phase. So I wanted to see if anyone else went through this...

So, with just one kid in daycare, her working would have been a wash. With one kid in preschool and one kid in daycare, it will be an ever bigger loss of income. So you will have even less to save for retirement, etc.....wouldn't that stress you out even more? It sounds like your family is better off with her being a SAHM until both your kids are in public school, and then hopefully she can go back to work. Have you actually talked to her about it, and if so, what did she say?

She's not going back to work. I'd bet money she will bring up having another baby once the second approaches school age.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Previous poster, we are way, way too old for more kids. Pushing 40. I don't see any others sneaking in considering I had a vasectomy as well.

Thanks to the other PP. The last few days have been incredibly helpful in sorting out my feelings about everything.

[Anonymous]

OP here. This entire thing has been food for thought. I didn't want to set of a mine field, but I really needed a space to vent and just take some perspective after a difficult month.

I really have made some peace with what happened because the alternative is just to dig in, be resentful for the passive decision to stop working my wife made without openly discussing it with me, and to accept that things are just the way they are and the cost of getting my wife's strengths as a SAHM is to accept the things she just doesn't do that well. I also know we're in the trenches and our kids are small and things will change despite my wife's reluctance to move on from the baby phase. Maybe not as quickly as I'd like. But things change.

I also made a real calculated decision. I love my wife. And while I'm not crazy about who is she right now, I love her as a person and am committed to sharing our journey together (even through a period of time where I'm not thrilled with the balance of our relationship).

The alternative is basically to get divorced. And if all I wanted was her to work, that's probably what I'd pursue. We'd sell our home, move into town houses and I'd get the exact opposite of what I truly want: more time with my family and a wife who is happy and fulfilled and loves me.

So, that isn't what I want. I want her to be fulfilled and happy and loved and right now the only thing I can do is the latter. So, I chose love. And I chose my marriage. Even if that means I have to work more now, I am choosing to have faith that my wife will step up in other ways and at other times when I can't handle things. I am choosing to forgive and let go of the resentment, and be grateful we have the means to hire a house cleaner and pay for preschool and pay for our home and student loans and all of that.

And I am choosing to write there here because I am going to waver on this at times. And when I do, I am going to Google this to remind myself that I made this choice. I didn't get to make the choice about my wife's decision to stay home, and I am accepting her decision despite it not being one I'd choose.

That actually feels good.

Just read this entire thread on a flight. Wowzers. GL OP.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP. I think my own dad made a similar sacrifice at one point. I admire and love him for it. But even as a kid, I worried about how hard he was working, I didn't know the details but I knew something was up. I think how you are handling it is admirable, but this is not something your kids will be blind to.

Also, none of my siblings or us have SAHPs now, by choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. This entire thing has been food for thought. I didn't want to set of a mine field, but I really needed a space to vent and just take some perspective after a difficult month.

I really have made some peace with what happened because the alternative is just to dig in, be resentful for the passive decision to stop working my wife made without openly discussing it with me, and to accept that things are just the way they are and the cost of getting my wife's strengths as a SAHM is to accept the things she just doesn't do that well. I also know we're in the trenches and our kids are small and things will change despite my wife's reluctance to move on from the baby phase. Maybe not as quickly as I'd like. But things change.

I also made a real calculated decision. I love my wife. And while I'm not crazy about who is she right now, I love her as a person and am committed to sharing our journey together (even through a period of time where I'm not thrilled with the balance of our relationship).

The alternative is basically to get divorced. And if all I wanted was her to work, that's probably what I'd pursue. We'd sell our home, move into town houses and I'd get the exact opposite of what I truly want: more time with my family and a wife who is happy and fulfilled and loves me.

So, that isn't what I want. I want her to be fulfilled and happy and loved and right now the only thing I can do is the latter. So, I chose love. And I chose my marriage. Even if that means I have to work more now, I am choosing to have faith that my wife will step up in other ways and at other times when I can't handle things. I am choosing to forgive and let go of the resentment, and be grateful we have the means to hire a house cleaner and pay for preschool and pay for our home and student loans and all of that.

And I am choosing to write there here because I am going to waver on this at times. And when I do, I am going to Google this to remind myself that I made this choice. I didn't get to make the choice about my wife's decision to stay home, and I am accepting her decision despite it not being one I'd choose.

That actually feels good.

Regardless of what this feels like to you right now, know that you've just taught your wife that the price of getting her way to is to just do whatever she wants and cry a lot and consistently when questioned. This lesson should help you with raising your children. Don't know about grown adults, though.

[Anonymous]

Regardless of what this feels like to you right now, know that you've just taught your wife that the price of getting her way to is to just do whatever she wants and cry a lot and consistently when questioned. This lesson should help you with raising your children. Don't know about grown adults, though.

Honestly, what else can OP do? Yeah, he could bitch and demand that the wifey goes back to the mines, but she's going to be pissed and it will either implode or just be a nasty cycle of people being angry about what they want or don't want. I don't think that's any way to live.

OP, you are doing the right thing. I read the entire thread and it's pretty obvious your wife is kind of mixed up professionally and is taking a break, and focusing on her kids even though the drudgery of being a stay at home mom isn't her cup of tea. Good on you for supporting her, she's lucky. I hope she realizes it and makes the most of the opportunity and figures out why things went badly at her last job and why or what she wants to do with the rest of her life.